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“My teeth are whiter than yours, bitch. And I wrote this article! No I don't have Ass Burgers! Baba booey!”
“I WILL find you, and when I do, I will kill you.”
“Room for a quote from me?”
“Fuck you then.”
Seth MacFarlane (born October 26, 1973) is an American cartoonist, singer, writer, producer, voice actor, Hollywood liberal and director best known for creating the animated sitcoms Family Guy, Family Guy Lite and Family Guy Dark. Seth is famous for his bizarrely deep voice, fondness for hair gel, and his unique blend of humor, in which the use of jokes is eschewed in exchange for numerous cut-away gags. Like that time I locked Nicholas Cage in a cage!
Nicholas Cage (Voiced by Seth): Dude! Let me out of this friggin cage!
Peter: Nuh-uh! not until, you get your face off of my big hairy nut sack
Nicholas Cage: What? That was just a movie! Bruckheimer wrote it and asked me to star in it!
Peter: Do it or so help me god, I WILL LEAVE YOU HERE FOREVER! MUAHAHAHAA!
Nicholas: Alright, alright.
[Nicholas pulls his face off, revealing John Travolta.]
John Travolta (Voiced by Seth): Hey, what's happenin', Peter?
MacFarlane, was born on October 26, 1973, in Kent, Connecticut. He was the bastard child of some white guy and a Vietnamese prostitute, which resembles the way Gilbert Gottfried came into this world. Shortly after birth, his father placed Seth near the Housatonic River before it flooded, expecting Seth's death to ensue. However, several miles down, MacFarlane was picked up by a wolf mother who had recently lost her cubs. MacFarlane was raised to maturity and learned everything he knew about comedy from this wolf mother. We really know nothing about this wolf mother. It sounds like another generic story of every major Hollywood star with an Oedipal complex. It's either that, or his parents placed him in front of the TV since he was one.
MacFarlane began smoking cigarettes as a small child, so that his deep voice would disguise the fact that he was born without testicles like most Asian men. Like many illiterate, anti-social children, Seth was drawn to cartooning, and when he was 8 years old he began illustrating his own cartoon strip Relative Dude which starred a middle-aged, foolish New England man, and an intellectual dog. Due to a bizarre baking accident, this idea was literally burned into McFarlane's brain, and he was unable, or at least couldn't be bothered, to come up with another idea for the rest of his life. Like that time I did heroin with Short Round from Indiana Jones!
Peter: Ok, it's my turn to shoot.
Short Round (voiced by Seth): Hey! Hey! No Mistah Gwiffin, dis is my turn to shoot up! You big fat Liah!
Peter: Hey take it easy little fellah.
Short Round: No! No! Dis is bulls***!
Peter: Hey, don't you take that tone with me young man!
Short Round: Hey I f*** you up big time man!
(Short Round leaves)
Peter: Well, I guess that was a short round Hahahahahahahahaha.
Opinions and Stances, by Cartman of South Park
Seth is an active supporter of MacFarlanism, which is the belief that God doesn't exist and if you believe otherwise, you deserve to be crucified, or at least exiled to Las Vegas to fight in a deathmatch with Jesus freaks. According to the scriptures of MacFarlanism, the only person who should be worshiped is Seth MacFarlane, since (as he claims) he is ruler of all that exists which revolve around the center of his universe.
Seth also believes his "amazing talent to do anything" makes him incomparable to other human beings. Since he is almighty and everlasting he sees no point in "socializing with puny mortals." As he has stated on many occasions, "If I could have sex with myself, I would." This has led many to believe he doesn't like anybody if they aren't Seth MacFarlane.
His enormous dislike for conservatives, black people, poor people, middle-class people, upper-class people, fat people, skinny people, anybody who isn't as rich as him, puppies, innocence, anybody who isn't him, babies, kittens, reality, Christians, mortals, and so on makes him the most hateful "all-powerful force" on the face of the planet, or at least, a Hollywood atheist.
His die-hard liberal beliefs make him the "ultimate Democrat." This position of power gives him the authority to kill Republicans or anybody with any kind of conservative beliefs by any means he wishes (though his favorite way of killing is by eating his victims alive). As an active supporter of Obama, he has set out to "remove" anybody who didn't vote for him. His opinions of Obama now are, as he states, "So what if he hasn't done anything he promised to do and the only things he has done play significant roles into the deconstruction of the United States? Like most other Democrats, I hate America and I would suicide-bomb the living crap out of anyone who thinks differently! God damn capitalists, they deserve to die!"
Like most Democrats in Hollywood, he preaches tolerance, open-mindedness, and acceptance; but when it comes to people who don't believe everything he does he shows absolute hatred towards them for being "insignificant imbeciles." When asked about the hypocrisy in his messages Seth angrily replied, "Fuck your mother!" and then stormed off and masturbated to pictures of himself in his dressing room.
After qualifying from the Rhode Island School of Design, Seth went on to work for Cartoon Network, where he created a pilot episode for his very own cartoon. It was considered too shit for mainstream television and Seth was forced to spend the next few years locked in a tiny hot room, drawing individual frames for Johnny Bravo at Hanna-Barbara. Like that time he included that unnecessary big band song for no reason other than to show off on his own television special about himself, and not Family Guy:
Hey - look - it's - me, - Seth McFarley!
I've - got - a - brilliant - voice! - Yeah!
So, - you've - really - got - no - choice! Yeah!
But - to - admi-i-i-i-i-re!
My Brilliant' (Brilliant)
Bri-i-i-i-i-i--i-i-liant vooiiicee, YEAH!
Seth left Cartoon Network after he discovered that infants were far too intelligent to enjoy his work. Fox however were very impressed by his cut-away dynamic. The show featured a middle aged, foolish New England man, and an intellectual dog. Seth threw in a bunch of other characters, like a talking baby named Stewie. It was canceled twelve times before finally ending in 2003.
Two years later, Family Guy was brought back, and there was much rejoicing...until people witnesses the new episodes and believed the show had gone downhill. However, many fail to realize that Family Guy was always a patchwork of cultural references appealing to frat boys who are indeed aware of the 1980s transpiring in some way, just like Saturday Night Live does to your brain.
That didn't stop it from pulling in ratings, making Seth billions, and paving the way for a Family Guy soundtrack, and multiple Family Guy movies, like that one where Peter discovers the lost city of Atlantis...
Peter: So, this is Atlantis, huh?
Brian: Yep, this is it!
Peter: Are there any black people to rape?
Brian: Peter, I... What?
Peter: Look out! A monkey!
A monkey jumps out of a tree and beats Brian with a stick
So far, there have been only three Family Guy movies. The first movie is about Stewie going into the future to learn that he's gay. The second movie was a carbon copy of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The third film is a carbon copy of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. MacFarlane plans on making a carbon copy of the sixth movie, all the Indiana Jones films, and a movie about abortion, but says that he simply doesn't have the time at the moment, considering he has to swim through piles of money ever day, like Scrooge McDuck.
A theatrical Family Guy film is planned for sometime in the near future, which will be followed by Family Guy On Ice. Seth is also planning to film a documentary on himself to showcase the tools that work for him and help to stroke his over-inflated ego on a daily basis, and help to raise awareness on vocal yeast infections when brushing teeth with Vagisil due to all of the queefing that takes place inside of his mouth. One can only wait and hope that these new upcoming projects will contain his rarely used references to the 1980's.
After Family Guy was canceled, Fox realizing they made a huge mistake, called Seth up and offered him a buttload of money in exchange for a new show. Seth agreed and quickly
ripped off Family Guy created a brand new show based on his old one. However, Fox decided to renew Family Guy as well. At this point Seth started focusing all his energy strictly on Family Guy, while leaving the show in the hands of a bunch of amateur fanfic writers. Eventually he stopped showing up for work at all, which strangely enough, lead to an increase in the overall quality of American Dad.
Seth went to Fox executives and said "I want another show." Because of the odd success of Family Guy and American Dad, Fox told him "As long as it's nothing new, or original." Then he told them "Don't worry. It'll be a carbon-copy of Family Guy - but with a bunch of black people." So then Fox execs commenced licking the inside of his rectum and greenlit him for two seasons.
Untitled Fourth Show
Seth MacFarlane went to Fox one day and told them, "Hey, you douches, I heard that The Simpsons is still on. You'd better give me a new show or I'll bother you all day by doing my Robin Williams impression!" Fox agreed and greenlit another new show.
This one however is going to be completely different than his last three shows. This one will star a family, and pets (which will most likely talk), but instead of a dumb dad being the main character, it's going to be a dumb woman! The show is set to use the same animation style as Family Guy, as well as have a similar sense of humor to it which mean it will have no humor whatsoever.
The Winner was a live action comedy. Though MacFarlane didn't create it,
he pretty much took credit for everything that went right with it (and shifted the blame to the show's creator and Family Guy writer, Ricky Blitt).
The show's premise was taken directly from the movie The Forty Year Old Virgin, except that it took place in 1994, so that the characters could make a bunch of '90s jokes, instead of '80s ones. The show suffered from negative reviews, with some reviewers stating the show was; "dreadful", "obnoxious", "less fun to watch than a cat being strangled." Seth MacFarlane responded to the negative reviews by claiming the "[Critics] are worse than Hitler! They're literally terrible human beings!"
Seth was later heard saying, "I think we might actually make it past six episodes!" until it was cancelled post haste.
Seth and Alex's Almost Funny Comedy Show
Up Late With Stewie and Brian
Stewie has his own talk show, and guess who's coming! That's right, it's that guy no-one knows from that Seth MacFarlane show that bombed worse than Hiroshima (Oh, come on, you just know that's a joke Seth would make)! The show lasted only one episode, and was made using Flash animation, which is ironic considering Seth's view on Flash in general. Like that time I tried to get Avril Lavigne to explain her lyrics to me.
Avril Lavigne (voiced by Seth): He was a boy, she was a girl, can I get any more obvious?
Peter: Umm, yeah, actually I think you could.
Peter: Still not quite sure what you're trying to say here.
Avril Lavigne: He wanted to bone her . . . she wanted to bang him?
Peter: Oh. I think I get what you're saying there.
Avril Lavigne: He was a punk, she did ballet, what more can I say?
Peter: See, I think you could say a lot more. You lost me again.
Avril Lavigne: Seriously?
Peter: Yeah. These lyrics are pretty vague.
Seth MacFarlane's first film is a $65 million production, about a man, and his talking teddy bear! The movie is going to be "hard R", and is being produced by Universal Studios,
because let's face it... even Fox wasn't stupid enough to spend sixty five million dollars on Chipmunks for Grownups.
Seth will be writing, directing, and to no one's surprise... starring in it. Seth will be playing Ted, the talking teddy bear, who will be brought to life using CGI technology... yeah. According to Seth, there has never, ever, been anything like it.
Seth already has plans for a sequel, simply entitled: Ted 2: I Can't Bearlieve It's The Sequel!.
- ↑ Redneck interpretation of events more paranoid than Alex Jones on Xanax
- ↑ Hollywood-speak for "unfunny shit, needs more preppy douchebags from Harvard Lampoon to write your bits"
- ↑ Seth's new show!
- ↑ Seth MacFarlane thinks his show looks good, and Flash is ugly!
- ↑ Get it? Ted! 'Cause he's a Teddy Bear! HAHAHA! God, I'm so clever!
- ↑ Completely Original.
- ↑ Yep, completely original...