From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Out of all the strange,sick and nicely perverted things I have seen, Elmo is by far the most retarded of them all. He could be classified as Syphillis, the best of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases”
Sesame Street, originally conceived by Chris Rock and Ice Cube in collaboration with The Notorius B.I.G as N.W.P. (Niggaz With Puppets) and stolen by PBS, is the unofficial name for the South Eastern Slum Amelioration and Migration Initiative (SESAMI), a public housing project initiated by the City of Detroit. Following its inception in 1969, SESAMI degenerated into dangerous neighbourhood backwater. Today it is a notorious haunt of weapons salesmen, drug pushers and ice cream trucks who -- despite public outrage -- have managed to export their filth through a PBS television program by disguising themselves as horrible monsters who frequent whorehouses, crackhouses and children's daytime schools.
A Brief Explanation of "Elmo"
Elmo, (not to be confused with Elko, Hellmo & Dolph Ziggler), originally named Elmore J. Hitler, was raised in this Atlantic North-east by a wealthy family of rabid politicians in suites. After completing high school, Elmore left home to attend the University of Psychadelics in Brooklyn. Elmore showed an early aptitude for learning, and he began to truly come into his own intellectually in college. Unfortunately, college also opened Elmore's eyes to the dark nature of reality, and he became cold, stupid, and cynical. He began to slowly grow hateful and withdrawn, and turned to the natural escapes of the oppressed mind; opiates, and in their most sythesized form. He eventually gave up all hope on life, and attempted to go the way of the great artists, and die by his own hand. In his failure, he realized that he need help, and he enrolled himself in mental study facility. This place turned out to be a top secret government testing facility hidden in the middle of Detriot, known by the code name "Sesame Street". Through arduous years of genetic mutations and governmental "reprogramming" so to speak , Elmore was turned into "Elmo", a smiling simpleton and a form of Emo, subsisting only to aid the cause. Also Elmo's fur was originly white but it wasn't until after he went to a Slayer court where it Rained people's blood. People that had committed suicide. This stained Elmo for life. It scarred him too, but it stained Elmo more. It was from this he started up the band "Staind" (Note: Elmo can't spell). "Saint" Elmo needs to be put on FIRE.
After a brief stay as the lead guitarist for "Staind" Elmo had a legendary fight with fellow band member, and lead vocalist for "Staind," Helen Keller in which an affair between the two was released to the public. Keller's finalized the argument with a final stab at Elmo. She is quoted as trying to say, "I faked everyone one." Elmo retorted with, "I didn't even know when you did have one you maoning bitch."
Shortly after the feud Keller released a sex tape which is still poular today, in which Elmo can be seen giving "Colonel Angus"a visit.(If you catch my drift) Keller was seen on the receiving end moaning with her left hand. Elmo departed back into an apartment in New York City after the release of the video and denied to give a comment to the press. His life was in ruins and no company would hire him after his fiasco with helen Keller and his blood ath murders.Elmo began to study Time Travel on Wikipedia and soon befreinded fellow scientist Oscar Wilde whom, along with Elmo, invented a Time Machine. Elmo was the first semi-intelligent being to travel through time. His destination, the Old South. Elmo returned to some undetermined year in the Southern portion of the young United States. After staying there for what he claimed to have been two years, Elmo returned in the Time Machine with which he had gone to the Old South to five secondsafter his departure time. Wilde, at first, thought the expirement had failed, but upon questioning Elmo procured this story and published it on Wikipedia. wikipedia. In the article Wilde tells of Elmo's journey and describes the plantation that Elmo had established. It had become the largest cotton producing Plantation in the South.
On a side note: Some speculators speculate that Elmo was the inventor of the Cotton Gin and that is why his plantation was the most productive. Because of this it is believed that Elmo traveled to the 1790's and Eli Whitney is believed to be a freed slave of Elmo's who stole the invention and procured it as his own.
After returning to the present day, Elmo sought out help from long time companion and sub Ernie. The flaming homo-sexual was not the person Elmo originally inteded to bring back to the 1790's, Elmo's original choice was Richard Simmons, but the flaming homosexuality of Ernie was a close second. Elmo returned to his southern plantation with Ernie, and therehe subjugated him to hard labor and, some speculate, as his personal Sex slave. It is unknown whetere Elmo was gay, but there is an old photograph of what is believed to be Elmo "riding" Ernie.(RIGHT) The Picture is from an old Southern encyclopedia trying to explain slavery.
Elmo's sexuality has always been in question. After his heterosexual fling with Helen Keller Elmo seems to have become homosexual or at least bisexual. He never gain had a femal sex partner after Keller and one of his most infamous sex partners after her was Ernie. Bert was furious.
It was rumored that Elmo left a message for Gonzo saying that "Elmo is going to fucking kill you, bitch!"
Sesame Street on MTV
The idea for the PBS television program "Sesame Street" was born in 1968 when a number of residents of SESAMI bought a street in New York City and began to siphon funds from a local grocery store known only as "Mr. Hooper's Grocery Store" (by then already a front for the distribution of illegal Hawaiian Dutch pizza, which they relocated to the New York City street). The perpetrators of the theft were all Muppets (also known as "Felties"). A modern incarnation of "Felties" can be seen as the Russian Mafia.
The Felties had intended to use the stolen monies to finance the import of crack, vitamins, water and kittens from Wahiawa in Hawaii, through King-pin Jessica F. aka luv. But it was not to be. Jessica F., the mysterious and beautiful King-pin, announced that the funds would be diverted to two new projects, one aimed to corrupt the minds of the young innocents who watched television in diapers everywhere and the other, to fund a trip to New Zealand to see Ryan. Some Felties protested - those that did were instantly killed. In the ensuing power struggle Small Bird, Jango Fett (Hired by Small Bird as a mercenary), The Cyanide-Cookie Monster and Kevlar the Grouch were murdered and replaced with Felties loyal to the cause, some replacements were Roundhouse Kid, Black Munky, DCYT and Ginga Fury (All these were muppets left out during the original auditions for Sesame Street roles). Hence, "Sesame Street" was born, where only the strong survive and the rest grow up into depressed and suicidal adolescents.
New Look Sesame Street
After the producers discovered that the programme was not moving with modern day New York, they decided to go more realistic and urban. Urban language came in to being and the lovable puppets are even involved in gang wars. Also, the Cookie Monster was now fond of disco biscuits instead of cookies. Elmo was a pimp and Big Bird was an addicted heroin addict while dealing on the streets. The rest of the cast take part in these acts. Here is the last scene from the tragic final episode.
- Big Bird: Yo, wazzup mutha fucker.
- Cookie Monster: Got me my disco biscuits bitch?.
- Big Bird: Na, I ain't into disco biscuits nigga. I'm a hard core coke addict.
- Elmo: Yo Niggas, anyone seen my bitch lately.
- Big Bird: Aw man, I forgot to tell you, she's fuckin that Kermit cunt.
- Elmo: Wait till I get my hands on that fuckin whore! Anyway, Yo seen those faggots Bert and Ernie. They owe me drugs money da bastards!
- Big Bird: Oh those mutha fuckers went into town earlier. Yo hear that they got a job working together as gay porn stars. Both bummin each other for the camera! Oh Shit Mutha Fuckin Cunts, it's a drive by!
(Bullets ricochet everywhere targeting the characters. Cookie Monster takes cover by hiding in his bin and Elmo jumps out of harms way. Fatally though, Big Bird gets a blow to the head and brain tissue splatters everywhere. Falls to a heap on the floor never to recover. Camera backs off. Credits role without theme music.)
Cast of Misanthropes
- Bert and Ernie: This depraved gay couple co-habit on Sesame Street. Known to argue about Rubber Ducky, the street name for cocaine-laced RU486. See also Evil Bert. It is also known that the cookie monster had an affair with Bert, which is why we always find cookie crumbs in his bed. Bert just says that it is crap from him. Ernie though, has other ideas. Bert's distant cousins are Bart Simpson and O.J. Simpson.
- Pastor of Muppets: The pastor of the Sesame Street Church/Monastery, he did everything in his power to help change the ways of the Sesame Street Gang; for this he was awarded the Nobel Priest Prize in 2008.
- The Cookie Monster: This hardcore chip sniffer will stop at nothing for another hit of sweet, sweet "cookies".
- Big Bird: A loner, somewhat alienated. Is one of the few decent yet smart people in Sesame Street. Lives by the teachings of Confucius and tries not to become too involved in his fellows depraved affairs. If anyone was seen being happy in Sesame Street, then he would use his famous quote as proud as a paedophile in a pre school! Shocked the world after recently announcing that he had bird flu. He said he would keep fighting the terrible disease but didn't know if he'd make it through the next year.
- Grover: The "King of Crack". Sells everything from Special The Letter K to pixie dust.
- Kermit the Frog: Investigative reporter and part-time drug trafficker. Has attempted to reveal the corruption in his town, particularly the activities of Bert. Sadly, it is shown that he himself was into the fruits of corruption himself (there was even a video of him with a sock puppet that would come back to haunt him.
- Jessica F: Original Producer of Sesame Street, working in co-ordinated effort with director Ryan C. to create the hooligan that is Sesame Street. Both enjoyed listening to Ill Nino, Hatebreed and Slipknot and hence inverted subliminal messages of hatred and destruction into the 'innocent' TV plots of the Sesame Street show. For Example, Big Bird is a symbol of The American Capitalist System and the Cookie Monster symbolises the Bourgeoisie of the system, who desires to 'consume' the ideals, profits and commodities of the Proletariats ( The Working Class that is exploited under Capitalism) through the innocent metaphor of cookies. The Count symbolises the Revisionist System under Weber, and is ridiculed as 'uncivilised' through his shocking Transylvanian accent and large, uncooth teeth. Kermit the Frog symbolises the Homosexuals of the Capitalist System (he is left-handed - This is confirmed). The derogatory term "Frog" also insulting and degrading Homosexuals to the level of Frenchies. The fact that Kermit the Frog engages in 'dancing' and 'singing' reinforces this symbolism.
- Aloysius Snuffleupagus: Snuffleupagus is currently in his 17th stint in rehab for his career cocaine snorting habit. He released this statement upon entering, "I just feel really good to be going back home, and uhh... I think that 17th times a charm. I know I said that, uh.. about the 3rd time, the 7th time, and when I first hit double digits, but I can smell it this time. Wish me the best, guysssssss."
- The Count: A victim of obessive compulsive sydrome but don't let yourself be charmed by his miscellaneous accent. Eg vil og ha Sesampoteter This guy's bloodthirsty reputation and OCD ensure that he always does things by the numbers.
- The Letter E: Available inside virtually every coat on Sesame Street. Not to be confused with €, sales of "E" continue to sponsor the show.
- The letters S & M: The other letters initially respected the diversity of this couple; that all changed when they were found to have a perverse fetish for the letter P.
- Oscar the Grouch: A pimp. He lives in a trash can with his immense drug stockpile (primarily New York white because Sesame Street's in New York), accountants, pet worm, shed dog hair collection, and NASA satellite technicians.
- Linda: One of Oscar's accountants. Known for spreading ebola.
- Slimey: Oscar's "friend" kept tucked away unless he is alone.
- Elmo: Local celebrity, Elmo is a fluffer in the industry.
- Cookie Monster
- Big Bird
- UnNews:Survey: The Sexiest Children's Television Stars
|Best Thing in Existence|