Sermon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 06:01, January 13, 2011 by The 888th Avatar (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Jesusroadsign evil


edit The Book of St. Randomus

Zoidberg jesus

"Thou shalt see my back parts."

  • See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand! [Galatians 6:11]
    Good for youuu!
  • when he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. [Revelations 8:1]
  • The lookout reported, "He has reached them, but he isn't coming back either. The driving is like that of Jehu son of Nimshi--he drives like a madman. [2 Kings 9:20]
    I didn't expect a quote from Taxi to be in the bible.
  • He asked me, "What do you see?" I answered, "I see a flying scroll, thirty feet long and fifteen feet wide." [Zechariah 5:1-3]
  • God says to Moses, And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts. [Exodus 33:23]
    That's the part where God moons Moses 'And all rejoiced.'
  • "...And [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts: he put them to a perpetual reproach." [Psalms 78:66]
  • And the Lord was with Judah; and he drove out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. [Judges 1:19]
    Well, you can't blame God. Could YOU take on iron chariots, you slob?
  • ...And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter. [Revelation 10:9-10]

edit The Book of St. Adviseus

Jesus-annoyed

"Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes."

  • He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. [Proverbs 27:14]
  • Do not eat anything you find already dead. You may give it to an alien living in any of your towns and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner... [Deuteronomy 14:21]
  • Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. [Proverbs 15:17]
  • A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands. [Proverbs 27:15-16]
  • As Paul spoke on and on, a young man named Eutychus, sitting on the windowsill, became very drowsy. Finally, he fell sound asleep and dropped three stories to his death below. [Acts 20:9]
  • The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adultress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes. [Hosea 3:1]
  • Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun- all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. [Ecclesiastes 9:9]
  • And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee. [Deuteronomy 23:13]
  • If you find honey, eat just enough- too much of it, and you will vomit. [Proverbs 25:16]
  • Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious! [Proverbs 23:17]
  • No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. If he does, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. [Mark 2:21]
  • Wine cheereth God and man. [Judges 9:13]

edit The Book of St. Animalus

Jesus on raptor

"Should I give up my oil, with which I hold sway over the trees?"

  • Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." [Revelation 4:7-9]
  • When the powerful horses went out, they were straining to go throughout the earth. And he said, "Go throughout the earth!" So they went throughout the earth. [Zechariah 6:7]
  • But the olive tree answered, "Should I give up my oil, by which both gods and men are honoured, to hold sway over the trees?" [Judges 9:9]
    This section of the bible was written after a little too much "olive oil", if you know what I mean. ...I mean shrooms.
  • They hatch the eggs of vipers and spin a spider's web. Whoever eats their eggs will die, and when one is broken, an adder is hatched. [Isaiah 59:5]
  • Then the LORD opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now." [Numbers 22:21-29]
  • Then the king and all the people offered sacrifices before the lord. And King Solomon offered a sacrifice of twenty-two thousand head of cattle and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep and goats. So the king and all the people dedicated the temple of God. [2 Chronicles 7:4-5]
    God takes animal sacrifices as payment.
  • All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you. [Leviticus 11:19-21]
    What about the ones that walk on all sixes?
  • In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. [Revelation 4:6-8]
  • As I watched, I heard an eagle that was flying in midair call out in a loud voice: "Woe! Woe! Woe to the inhabitants of the earth, because of the trumpet blasts about to be sounded by the other three angels!" [Revelation 8:12-13]

edit The Book of St. Ooohlalaus

  • Be merciful to me, O God, for men hotly pursue me; all day long they press their attack. [Psalms 56:1]
  • Surely I come quickly, thus saith the Lord. [Revelations 22: 20]
  • That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. [Genesis 19:32-36]
  • Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, as a long hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times. [Proverbs 5:18-19]
  • "Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, 'I will climb the palm tree. I will take hold of its fruit stalks.' Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine and the fragrance of your breath like apples." [Song of Solomon 7:7-8]
  • Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions. [Ezekiel 23:19-20]
    O____O
  • ...so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and that they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning...[Judges 19:25]
    AVN Award Winner
  • Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.[Numbers 31:17-18]
    Child Pr0n

edit The Book of St. Tshirtsloganus

  • I am an object of mockery to people everywhere; when they see me, they shake their heads. [Psalm 109:25]
  • A man's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating. [Proverbs 18:6]
  • I am weary of holding it in--indeed I cannot. [Jeremiah 20:9b]
  • If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom. [Job 13:5]
  • Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish. [Proverbs 31:6]
  • As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. [Proverbs 26:11]
    As a dog returns to its folly, so a fool repeats his vomit. Nah, yours is better.
  • Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. [Proverbs 21:9]
  • ...But David said, "What have I done now?" [I Sam 17:29]

edit The Book of St. Scareus

Evil face jesus

"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces."

  • With the reward he got for his wickedness, Judas bought a field; There he fell headlong, his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out. [Acts 1:18]
  • Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks! [Psalm 137:9]
  • From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. [2 Kings 2:23-24]
  • If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, ...Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. [Deuteronomy 21:18-21]
  • "And all flesh that moved on the earth perished, birds and cattle and beasts and every swarming thing that swarmed upon the earth, and all mankind; of all that was on the dry land, all in whose nostrils was the breath of the spirit of life, died. Thus He blotted out every living thing that was upon the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky, and they were blotted out from the earth..." [Genesis 7:21-23]
  • The people rise like a lioness; they rouse themselves like a lion that does not rest till he devours his prey and drinks the blood of his victims. [Numbers 23:23-25]
  • The Spirit of the lord came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done. [Judges 14:5-7]
  • When Pharaoh stubbornly refused to let us go, the LORD killed every firstborn in Egypt, both man and animal. [Exodus 13:14-16]
  • Saul replied, "Say to David, The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies." [1 Samuel 18:25-27]
  • But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched {Moses'} feet with it. "Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me," she said. [Exodus 4:24-26]
  • Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. [Malachi 2:3.]
    I get to have Jesus's dung on my face!
  • "...And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." [Levitcus 26:29.]
  • Christ demanded: "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." [Luke 19:27.]
    Jesus demands a cage match!
  • "Think not that I [Jesus] have come to send peace on earth: I come not to send peace, but a sword." [Matthew 10:34]
  • While the Israelites were in the desert, a man was found gathering wood on the Sabbath day. Those who found him gathering wood brought him to Moses and Aaron and the whole assembly, and they kept him in custody, because it was not clear what should be done to him. Then the LORD said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." So the assembly took him outside the camp and stoned him to death, as the LORD commanded Moses. [Numbers 15:32-36]
  • And he (David) brought out the people that were in it and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon.[1 Chronicles 20:3]
    Ammon Chainsaw Massacre
  • Therefore thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle. [2 Kings 21:12]
    God is so evil that my fuckin' ears are tingling.

edit The Book of St. Crazyruleus

MichaelSatanMonkeyDarwin

"Behold, I am against your pillows."

  • No knife fight victims: No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD. [Deuteronomy 23:1]
  • No wrongful parental units: No one born of a forbidden marriage nor any of his descendants may enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation. [Deuteronomy 23:2]
  • No cooking on Sunday: Moses: "...Whoever does any work on the Sabbath must be put to death. Do not light a fire in any of your dwellings on the Sabbath day." [Exodus 35:1-3]
  • No Bestiality: Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion. [Leviticus 18:23]
  • Rules of selling your daughter as a slave: If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do. [Exodus 21:7]
  • Slaves? Sure! 1 The LORD said to Moses on Mount Sinai, 2 "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: '... 44 Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. 45 You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. 46 You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life...'" [Leviticus 25:1-46]
  • Marry your rapist: If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives. [Deuteronomy 22:28-29]
  • Pi=3: He made the Sea of cast metal, circular in shape, measuring ten cubits from rim to rim and five cubits high. It took a line of thirty cubits to measure around it. [2 Chronicles 4:2]
  • No talking in church, ladies: Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says. [1 Corinthians 14:34]
  • Wear burkas: Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering. [1 Corinthians 11:13-15]
  • No Wine: Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. [Ephesians 5:18]
  • No Crushed Testicles: No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord. [Deuteronomy 23:1]
  • 'No Men's Hatwear: A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God. [1 Corinthians 11:7]
  • No Genital Grabbing: If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity. [Deuteronomy 25:11-12]
  • Take a bath after *AHEM*: When a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his whole body with water, and he will be unclean till evening. When a man lies with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both must bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. [Leviticus 15:15-19]
  • No Pillows:Thus saith the Lord God, Woe to the women that sew pillows.... Behold, I am against your pillows. [Ezekiel 13:18-20]
Personal tools
projects