Serious Sam

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Serious Sam SeriousSam
Date of Birth Unknown
Date of Death Sam never dies!
Occupation Lumberjack and ass-kicking-machine
Arch nemesis and father Mental
Sam's notable achievements
Traveled Space and Time
Killed thousands of Gnaar with his bare Chainsaw
Almost saved the world
Wielded a mini 'The Hell Outta Here'
Stole TWO alien spacecraft single handedly (Both are now MIA)


“<Sniff> <Sniff> I smell a trap!”
~ Serious Sam on confirming the Admiral's hunches
“Seriously, is that the best you can do?”
~ Serious Sam on the author of this article
“Look at the size of that thing!”
~ Serious Sam on the resolutions supported by Serious Sam HD
“He's a lumberjack and he's OK!”
~ Captain Obvious on Serious Sam being a lumberjack
“Why so Serious?”
~ The Joker on Serious Sam


Sam Serious Stone, or as some refer to him Sam the Serious Stoner, is the most badass first-person-shooter super hero that ever lived. Some claim the Duke of Nukem is the king of first person shooters but this of course is a lie; the Duke is simply not serious enough to be the king.

Sam likes to spend his time killing off his father's minions, cutting down trees, blowing up statues or simply drinking booze, eeerhm I mean drinking health potions!

edit Serious Sam and Mental

Chaad Sheen, or as humans call him Notorious Mental, or perhaps simply Mental is an ancient immortal God who just happens to have a thing for destroying intelligent life forms. On the bright side this leaves You pretty much safe.

Mental also happens to be Sam's archenemy and some say even father. This would mean that Sam himself is a less ancient immortal God going through his teenage phase in which he, as any other teenager, rebells against his parents. However being the serious badass that he is, Sam chooses to rebel by killing off thousands upon thousands of Mental's troops.


edit Serious Sam and NETRICSA

NETRICSA is some high-tech nano-encyclopedia-device implanted in Sam's brain. NETRICSA contains information about the various items and beings Sam encounters in his journey. Some of the more notable entries are:

edit Kleer

The Kleer are the skeletal remains of the actors that starred in Clerks. The Kleer are Sam's closest companions and they follow him around wherever he goes and aid him in any way they can.

edit Gnaar

The Gnaar are vicious one-eyed monsters who have a single purpose: To bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite, bite and bite everything they encounter. Oh and did I mention they love to bite?

edit Werebull

The Werebull is Sam's trusted steed. Sam can always count on his trusted Werebull to be there wether he needs to travel countless miles or ride into battle.

edit Reptiloids

Reptiloids are 4-armed crack addicts that give hand jobs for a fix. Due to their many hands they are quite efficient at what they do.

Ugh-Zan-p

Ugh-Zan The Vicious Warlock-Pimp shaking his fists of fury!

edit Ugh-Zan III

The Vicious Warlock-Pimp - Just as his name suggests Ugh-Zan is a Vicious Warlock-Pimp. He comes from the planet of Pimp-Zania and like the reptiloids he as well has four arms. However Ugh-Zan uses his hands for more important business's, like slapping his biatches or driving his pimped-out alien ride. He carries a gun in each hand like a boss.

edit Biomechanoids

One of Sam's many enemies, they're heads on legs that come in two variants: blue laser shooting ones and red missile shooting ones. The blue ones attempted in 1982 to sue Mental for racial discrimination, but Mental quickly had his vicious pimp (see above) keep them in line.

edit Headless-zombie-freaks

Last but not least the headless zombie freaks are Sam's most feared enemy. A single stare from their headless heads eyes can turn a man to stone! Luckily Sam is already Stone and thus immune, however they still carry deadly weapons that would intimidate even a Grue.

edit Serious Sam's Encounters

So far Sam has had plenty of first degree encounter with Mental's forces...

edit The First Encounter

Serious Sam is sent back in time to save humanity from Mental's wrath by killing him in the past. Sam arrives in ancient Egypt where Hatshepsut informs him that he must rescue the innocent sexy Harpie-Bitches who are being abused by their unruly pimp Ugh-Zan III - The Vicious Warlock-Pimp. Coincidentally Ugh-Zan is also Mental's first lieutenant.

Ramses the Third helps Sam get to a weapon stash in Memphis. Armed to the teeth Sam blazes through the desert spreading shotgun-justice left and right. After slaying countless foes Sam eventually reaches Thebes where he rescues the Harpie-Witches. After getting his well deserved reward from the Harpies Sam marches onward towards Ugh-Zan's lair.

The epic showdown takes place at the Great Pyramid where Sam and Ugh-Zan have a serious Pimp-off. Sam is brutally defeated by Ugh-Zan but, as any brave hero would, Sam cheats and kills Ugh-Zan with a mini The Hell Outta Here! Sam and the Harpie-Witches steal Ugh-Zan's pimped-out ride and live happily ever-after; or something along those lines.

edit The Second Encounter

The Second Encounter starts right where The First Encounter left off. Sam is flying in Ugh-Zan's ride but his Harpie-Slave-Witches betray him and crash the ride. Sam finds himself trapped somewhere in the Mayan empire. Sam wanders around aimlessly until he finds a Chainsaw and becomes a Lumberjack.

Sam goes on a quest to cut down countless trees and also find himself another ride. In his holy quest Sam encounters and befriends a group of Kleer that help him locate the new ride. Sam blazes through Mesoamerica and Mesopotamia swinging his chainsaw left and right.

Sam eventually arrives at some Grand Cathedral where some guy known as Mordekai The Summoner keeps his kick ass ride. Sam makes short work of the fool and proceeds to cut down his trees. Oh yea and also steals his ride.

edit Serious Sam 2

Serious Sam 2 picks up shortly after the end of the Second Encounter...

Sam is summoned by the great Sirian Council to be awarded a medal of awesomeness for slaughtering Mental's forces. The Sirians are alien people who have absolutely no connection to the spaceship-rides Sam has been stealing so far.

Unfortunately for Sam the medal is split in five and is scattered across five planets. Sam travels to these planets and does not harm whatever hostile forces that stand in his way. However little does Sam know that the Medal of Awesomeness is actually an Ancient Medalion that has the power of weakening Mental. Also little did the Sirians know that Sam was actually planning to kill Mental himself so there was no need to have lied to him in the first place.

After Sam and the Sirians resolve the misunderstandings Sam is sent to destroy Mental. Sam storms Mental's fortress which incidentally is called the "Mental Institution". Here Mental reveals to Sam that he is Sam's father, which kind of explains why Sam is so damn awesome...

edit Serious Sam 3: BFE

The recently released Serious Sam 3: BFE or 'Big Fucking Elasticity' is one of the wackiest games yet, deviating from Serious Sam 2's ultra realism setting. The game sets you off Modern Warfare style in a helicopter that Sam goofily falls out of. Upon finding the 'Rubber Mallet of Destiny' he continues to kick ass throughout Egypt, so much so that he even scares off one of Mental's hilarious purple spaceships with a pistol. Sam also steals some bling from a corpse.

He begins to power mystical alien shit up with his bling and makes his way to a blue portal (where some human chick is) so he can fuck shit up in The First Encounter (He travels time both ingame AND this world!). After nearly being eaten by a Deathworm, he beats up Ugh-Zan's abusive spider dad/son/time agent with some metal poles and Zeus. The self proclaimed Ugh-Zan II/VI, in an attempt by Croteam at wackiness, only has FOUR legs. You can't have a spider with only FOUR legs can you? He's promptly devoured by the Deathworm.

In a poor taste of comedy, Mental moon's the planet with his creepy goatse ass, causing it to self-implode. Sam enters the blue portal just in time to fuck more shit up, IN THE PAST! Oh, Sam also get's a jetpack, making realism plummet to depths only previously seen in Duke Nukem Forever.

edit The First Encounter HD

Serious Sam is sent back in time to save humanity from Mental's shiny wrath by killing him in the bloom enabled past. Sam arrives in ancient Egypt where Hatshepsut informs him that he must rescue the innocent jiggleboned sexy Harpie-Bitches who are being abused by their unruly 3D pimp Ugh-Zan III - The Vicious Warlock-Pimp. Coincidentally Ugh-Zan is... wait, we were just here a minute ago.

CURSE YOU TIME TRAVEL!!!

At least this one has some sort of graphics.

edit Serious Sam and the Joker

Serious Sam is know to have had altercations with a fellow known as 'The Joker'. Apparently this Joker individual doesn't take kindly to serious people and likes to have philosophical discussions with them. Upon meeting Sam, The Joker asked him "Why so Serious?". To this day it is not known what Sam answered to The Joker, but it is said that if one ever hears or reads the answer their brain implodes out of sheer amazement (Though you need to have a brain in the first place).

edit Trivia

  • Sam has traveled space and time! All though unlike Benjamin Linus who also traveled space and time Serious Sam doesn't have a secret room inside a secret room in a regular house in a secret town on a secret island.
  • Sam hates secrets so much that he has dedicated most of his life uncovering secrets.
  • Sam has slain countless of foes with his bare knife!
  • Sam is also a lumberjack, and he's okay!
  • Sam can hold a mini-gun with only his thumb and pinky.
  • Feasts on what can only be described as female ejaculations and Russians.

edit Unrelated things to read to wipe this sorry excuse for an article from your mind


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