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Stagecoach robbery 03

September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts

  • 13 CE - Jesus becomes the first atheist, killing God after being told that Santa isn't real.
  • 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays a dirty trick on Poland.
  • 1982 - Lovers of chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate Related Disease fatalities increase.
  • 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket...
  • 1989 - Wendy's begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly deemed to be 'too salty' and discontinued.
  • 1990 - The single light bulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
  • 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era is played: the England Patriots at the the Dubai Colts (attendance: 111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all American sports teams left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
  • 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
  • 1995 - You kill a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas, laughing uncontrollably. How dare you.
  • 1995 - A midget is stolen from the North Pole and will eventually be raised as an Australian.
  • 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five. He is quickly hired as a stock brokerage consultant.
  • 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
  • 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the study report got used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.


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10PM-GMT

09/02/2004 --- 10:33:14 PM - - - - - I no love you no more!.

September 2: Me Love You Long Time Day

  • 2004 10:32 PM GMT -- Me start to love you.
  • 2004 10:33 PM GMT -- Me stop lovin' you.
  • 2004 10:34 PM GMT -- Me say, "OK, maybe I no love long time after all."
  • 2005 10:35 AM GMT -- Me say, "I never really loved you to begin with."
  • 2008 12:69 PM GMT -- Children's entertainer and all round purple dinosaur, Barney, provoked into fight with a Spanish tortoise on live children's television. Barney's public statement read, "I love you. You love me...Ahh f**k it! That stupid green C**T slept with my wife!". Tortoise Talkative Eric later charged with being totally freaking awesome, an all round green reptilian.

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Cow tongue

September 3: International Festival of Frowning at Cows (Saskatchewan)

  • 447 BCE - The word "fabulous" is invented by Plato.
  • 1189 - Richard the Lionheart is crowned King of England at Westminster, followed by a successful reign consisting chiefly of lazing in the sun and ridding the British Isles of zebras.
  • 1783 - The American Revolutionary War comes to an end with the Treaty of Paris. While America wins, it concedes that Britain is still better than France.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler embarks on his global tour, performing to a sold-out crowd in Warsaw.
  • 1945 - Spoons were acquired by the known company, Tupperware.
  • 1974 - William Shatner discovers the world's largest known deposits of tiberium in his back garden.
  • 2005 - Bob sits down for dinner, frowns at his overcooked steak.

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Pete Burns

September 4: Unnecessary Surgery Day

  • 30 CE - The Original Artists release their album 20/20: The 20 Greatest Hits from the 20's.
  • 1427 - Katie Price is formed by sending an electric current through plastic. This is generally seen to be a lousy idea.
  • 2003 - Al Gore has an additional nose surgically attached to his back, thus letting him smell his own farts.
  • 1834 - Vlad Drakul cancels his newspaper subscription after being spoofed on April Fool's Day and finding out that beheading people with a rubber spatula is really, really hard.
  • 1952 - Colonel Potter tries to take out cpl. Radar O'Reilly's appendix, only to discover after making an incision that it's already out.
  • 1954 - In the only such instance in recorded history, your mom loses weight. This because she loses 11 stone (154 lbs.) of ugly fat when you move out.
  • 1971 - Elvis gets a paper cut, is sued by the Memphis Board of Surgeons for practising medicine without a licence.
  • 1972 - Elvis gets a paper clip.
  • 1975 - A distant relative of a famous musician accidentally stumbles in front of an oncoming taxi cab, but the car stops, and he survives. Ironically, he was on his way to a clinic to be euthanized.
  • 1983 - Michael Jackson nearly dies of food poisoning after eating 12-year-old nuts.
  • 1984 - Pop star Prince has a second penis surgically attached. Millions think he's a gimp. Millions more just think it is so he can go and fuck himself. A recent internet video proves this.
  • 1985 - Cary Grant finds his bedside table has a small crack on one of the legs.
  • 1994 - Another Ace of Base song is released. The subsequent decontamination process will take 15 years to complete.
  • 1996 - Pop star Prince (or whatever the fuck he's called now) has a third penis surgically attached.
  • 1997 - Prince successfully sues his surgeon for giving him the penis of an impotent man, claiming it has given his other two penises 'performance anxiety'. Nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. Again.
  • 2005 - Steve Irwin kills a stingray in a boating accident while 5 times over the drink drive limit.
  • 2006 - Steve Irwin is killed by a stingray that was drink driving. Police say it is an accident and the stingray isn't charged.
  • 2050 - Australians finally stop referring to Steve Irwin as a great bloke/battler/fighter/true Aussie and generally agree he was a bit stupid.

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Spacechickens

September 5: National Dance the Funky Chicken Day (Moldova)

  • 1698 - In an effort to move his people away from archaic customs, Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on women and children with beards.
  • 1836 - Sam Houston's version of the Funky Chicken is chosen as the official dance of the Republic of Texas.
  • 1917 - Rufus Thomas is born, promptly dances his diaper off.
  • 1969 - Foghorn Leghorn takes some LSD, gets down but not funky.
  • 1983 - King Kong's daughter, Stella Kovalski McKong is born. Stella quickly learns the Funky Chicken from hens at a local farm.
  • 1984 - Prime Minister Bakka-Lakka Da'kka declares the People's Republic of Jerkmenistan free from Morongolian rule.
  • 1985 - Chickens go to a local disco dance party and gain popularity with their chicken dance. They are described as being poultry in motion.
  • 1992 - A vacationing group of retirees are attacked by flock of angry chickens while dancing the Macarena.
  • 2006 - The First Annual International Day to Talk Like an 80's Metal Singer is celebrated in Henton, Illinois. Millions attempting to imitate Ozzy Osbourne are instantly shot. Twice.
  • 2007 - In a bid to improve the aerodynamic characteristics of his body, Asafa Powell amputates his nipples. Wikia admins heartily approve, but chickens are confused.

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Trump drinks something

September 6: Let's Enjoy a Glass of Blue Lemonade Day

  • 394 CE - The Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills the pagan usurper Eugenius at the Battle of the Frigidaire for drinking all of his sanctified Blue Lemonade.
  • 1939 - South Africa declares war against Germany because it seemed to be what to do because of the King thing.
  • 1976 - The lemon becomes extinct.
  • 1978 - Blue Lemonade becomes extremely popular, replacing lit petrol as the beverage of choice.
  • 1982 - Blue Lemonade is found to cause cancer in blue rats.
  • 1983 - The government apologises for the cancer scare, saying that Blue Lemonade does, in actual fact, cause tuberculosis and not cancer.
  • 1999 - Study attributes large penis size in black men to intake of Blue Lemonade. Blue lemonade sales increase 300%.
  • 2000 - Study determined to be only a sales tactic as black men only consume orange drink.
  • 2002 - Monsanto claims intellectual property rights over Blue Lemonade. Third World Blue Lemonade producers are taken out of business.
  • 2004 - Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes the first known human being to pee Blue Lemonade.
  • 2006 - The infamous flying horse Pegasus is arrested and brought to jail on counts of theft of Blue Lemonade from Hoffman and arson.
  • 9785 - Blue Lemonade allies with the Pope to destroy the universe. Earth catches fire. Someone sends this message into the past in the form of an insane baby. No-one listens.
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CRT

I'm gonna' hit that shit all day long, son!

September 7: Electric Bong Day (Poland), Invade Stuff Just for the Hell of It Day (Germany, Britain, America, Spain, Japan)

  • 10,000 BCE - Armed with sticks, rocks, and clods of dirt, the first primitive Germanic people invade France. 15 minutes later, the white flag is invented.
  • 355 CE - Claudius Silvanus, Roman usurper dies. No more usurping from that guy.
  • 1911 - The first bean bag chair goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1914 - Germany invades Austria, Belgium, France, Serbia, Armenia, Norway, Zaire, South Dakota.
  • 1940 - The Blitz: the German Luftwaffe begins to rain bombs down on London. The Blitz is followed by the Blintz, where pastries are dropped on London, including the deadly Luftwaffle.
  • 1945 - Winston Churchill takes his first holiday after victory in Europe, snow boarding in Palestine.
  • 1960 - Strange spikes in household electricity use are observed throughout California.
  • 1980 - Mr. Spears invades Mrs. Spears' pants; finds more than he expected.
  • 1992 - Princess Anne is released back into the wild in Africa from captivity.
  • 1996 - Tupac is assassinated by that punkass, Biggie Fats. Country music fans rejoice.
  • 2001 - Luxembourg floated on the New York Stock Exchange. Germany attempts a hostile takeover.
  • 2003 - Parents send their children to invade Michael Jackson's bed, later Sue. And Jane also.
  • 2015 - US invades itself claiming the existence of weapons of mass destruction.

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Pi egg

September 8: International Precision Day

  • Sometime - Someone invents like counting or something.
  • 4200 BCE - Climate control is invented when someone leans against a wall and creates the first window.
  • 1 CE - 2:05:32 PM: Counting is invented by a female human named Digits Counting, 1.745 meters tall, after 4 hours, 8 minutes and 16 seconds of thinking about the problem of shortening sales reports.
  • 70 - 6:12:55 AM - 11:03:44 PM Roman legions under the command of Titus sack Jerusalem.
  • 653 - The VCR is invented; for what reason we do not know but it's usually something to do with porn.
  • 1930 - 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape, which sells better than Scotch transparent crayon.
  • 1962 - Segregation is repealed. Discrimination comes into vogue.
  • 1986 - Plurals Plural banned in the Netherland (formerly known as the Netherlands).
  • 2002 - Dark clouds of quaggas hang ominously over Belgium.
  • 2014 - The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is declared illegal in 3 countries exactly at the same time.

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Not a triffid

September 9: Day of the Truffles Triffids a.k.a. The Strongest Day

  • 9 CE Cirno is born.
  • 1000 - During the Battle of Svolder, King Olaf I of Norway falls overboard and disappears into the Baltic Sea. He is not seen again until Olaf II: Electric Boogaloo is released on video later that year.
  • 1087 - William the Conqueror dies. About time, too.
  • 1312 - Paracelsus invents redundancy.
  • 1313 - Paracelsus invents redundancy. Again.
  • 1828 - Leo Tolstoy is born. How boring is that? Not as much as the birth of Clinton Fisk.
  • 1839 - John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Later photographs are of a glass cup, glass saucer, and a glass eye.
  • 1850 - California is admitted into the USA, admittedly.
  • 1944 - Bulgaria is occupied liberated by Soviet troops.
  • 1962 - Triffids land in Cornwall. Their penchant for BDSM quickly earns them elevation to the peerage as they eat their way through Wales and the West Country.
  • 1967 - The spork is invented. Clueless types starve by the thousands trying to use it as a knife.
  • 1971 - Triffids help to elect a giant gherkin as prime minister; it will stand over and oversee London forever.
  • 1976 - Mao Tse Tung passes away; sadly his dream of murdering more of his own people than Stalin is left unrealized.
  • 1988 - In the most intense fighting of the GI Joe-Transformers War, the Autobot-Joe Alliance and Union of Decepticon and Cobra Forces see heavy casualties in the Battle of the Backyard.
  • 2009 - Being the 9/9/09, and upside down Satan appeared, only to shortly die of spinal injuries.
  • 2999 - Cirno reaches full power to become the strongest of all gensokyo. Not even Suika, the underage drinking oni, can beat her.

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Kumquat kicking

September 10: Kumquat Kicking Festival (Pakistan), International Hypocrisy Day

  • Time Before Time - Death is born in a small town in Kansas, NASCAR becomes marginally interesting.
  • 541 BCE - Greek philosopher Hypocrites invents hypocrisy.
  • 540 BCE - Hypocrisy condemned as immoral by Hypocrites.
  • 30 CE - Asked whether one should pay taxes, Jesus says, "Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but then cheats on his income tax.
  • 1092 - Tap dancing invented.
  • 1093 - Ground opens up under inventor of tap dancing who is then dragged down to Hell.
  • 1892 - Oscar Wilde arrives in America, claiming at customs "I have nothing to declare but my genius". Actually he has some fruit and Cuban cigars.
  • 1897 - Lattimer Massacre: a sheriff's posse kills twenty unarmed immigrant miners in Pennsylvania. Up until the massacre, the mine wasn't very productive.
  • 1913 - First fully-carpeted coast-to-coast ferret-run opens in the USA.
  • 1939 - Canada declares war on Nazi Germany; German army takes the afternoon off.
  • 1960 - American baseball player Mickey Mantle kicks a kumquat an estimated 643 feet.
  • 1967 - Supreme Court hands down landmark decision in Pot v. Kettle which legalizes hypocrisy.
  • 1982 - The following people are born: 2,394 Jameses, 9887 Johns, 1 Satayanarayan Ranganathan Rama Appuswami Ganapathy, Jr.
  • 2000 - Millions board planes with shoes, liquids, and food. Angered by this, George Bush goes into seclusion to come up with a way to stop this. It takes roughly one year and a few phone calls to his friends in the Middle East.
  • 2001 - Billions and billions of Americans go to bed early in order to be well-rested for the September 11 terrorist attacks the next day.
  • 2008 - The Large Hadron Collider is switched on and nothing happens. Swiss scientists decide to cut their losses and turn it into a badass thrill ride.
  • 2009 - Office of the White House announces low-altitude American Airlines 767 fly-over for 9/11 8th year memorial services at ground zero in New York City, on September 11. Flight is officially named AA Flight 175 in honor of the brave civilians who didn't know any better that morning. Plane expected to be supplied with full complement of fuel as a safety precaution, and to fly over Shanksville, PA, and the Pentagon. Five 20 to 30-year-old Arabs scheduled to take part in flight as show of peace to the Middle Eastern nations. These proud five men will be given boxcutters and a fake bomb in order for the US Air Force to simulate realistic crisis scenarios. Flight 175 "Resurrected," as it has been dubbed by President Obama, will have a pig in the cockpit, for security reasons. Scheduled to fly over WTC site at 9:03 AM.
  • 2012 - The Large Hadron Collider Thrill Ride turns into a supermassive black hole and turns the Earth into something the size of a small pea.

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Mullet family

September 11: International Worst Inventions Ever Day

  • 13,800,000,000 BCE Universe invented. Previous universe wiped out due to Large Hadron Collider collision.
  • 3000 BCE - Egyptians invent papyrus. Moments later, the paper cut is invented. Still some moments later, some pretty expressive swear words are invented.
  • 33 CE - Judas invents the noose while just hanging around.
  • 100 CE - Romans invent the wedgie to torment Christians.
  • 911 - Nostradamus, having predicted 9/11, invents the telephone number 911.
  • 1176 - Iron false teeth invented.
  • 1628 - Glass false teeth invented.
  • 1753 - An Oxford University student invents the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
  • 1883 - The Worst Invention of the Year is a tossup between Islamic Fundamentalism (Middle East) and Christian Fundamentalism (United States).
  • 1934 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky invents the helicopter ejection seat.
  • 1939 - Inspired by an awful experience at summer camp, Hitler invents his own franchise of camps.
  • 1945 - Morning After Pill not yet invented; George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush invent George W.
  • 1961 - Hair scientists invent the mullet (pictured). The nesting bird population increases dramatically.
  • 1968 - The internet is developed.
  • 1972 - Construction of the Trans-Amazonian Highway is completed.
  • 1973 - The cubicle is invented.
  • 1981 - Road rage is invented when the Trans-Amazonian Highway is extended through your cubicle.
  • 1986 - Fox Network is invented. Cancellation is invented by Fox.
  • 2000 - Emperor Bush invents "The Decider".
  • 2001 - An aircraft magnet is accidently turned on in the Pentagon.
  • 2001 - Osama Bin Laden invents the world's first airplane/building hybrid
  • 2002 - Emo movement is saddened but remains vaguely hopeful when it is invented.
  • 2002 - White House invents WMD.
  • 2006 - Antigovernment father spends the day without turning on TV or radio, insisting that he doesn't want to hear about what happened five years ago, but in truth, hasn't paid the electricity bill.

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Holy Picard

September 12: Captain Picard Appreciation Day

  • 14,000 BCE - Q sends the crew of the USS Enterprise-E back in time to the country of France. Spitting in the face of the Prime Directive once again, Picard teaches the cavemen how to paint on the walls, a trait still exhibited in toddlers.
  • 490 BCE - A Greek guy runs 42.195 km from Marathon to Athens, announcing the Persian defeat and survival of Western civilization. Unfortunately, he is overtaken in the last leg by the team from Kenya and has a heart attack.
  • 22 CE - Museum of Ancient Geese opens.
  • 1609 - Mark Smith discovers the Hudson River. Shortly after the discovery, Henry Hudson stabs him and claims it for himself. This is generally considered the fifth greatest coincidence of all time.
  • 1683 - Battle of Vienna: several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire and their allies, the Sultanate of Sofa.
  • 1818 - Richard Gatling, inventor of the Gatling gun, is born. By six he has invented a rapid-fire slingshot and by ten, a BB gun featuring a rotating array of twelve barrels.
  • 1940 - Q sends a young Jean-Luc Picard and three of his high school peeps back in time to this date. The group discovers the Lascaux cave paintings.
  • 1951 - Anti-rioting technology goes on display in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1984 - Leonard Bernstein dies for the second time.
  • 1990 - East and West Germany share a tearful reunion but still attempt to invade each other.
  • 1991 - The Cold War ends, and many people are left thinking, "it wasn't that cold". It was that cold in Russia.
  • 2001 - Amnesiacs International select the World Trade Center in New York City as the site of their 2002 convention.
  • 2003 - Johnny Cash passes away. But first he shoots a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
  • 2005 - England regain the Ashes, only to realise the next day the whole series was just a dream.

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French maid dingo

September 13: Secondary Bastille Day (France), Dress as a French Maid Day, New Jewish Year

  • 5768 BCE - God creates Jews as the world's first practical joke then sets them on fire and extinguishes them via urination.
  • 1768 - Mme. Bastille opens an eponymously named cake shop in Paris. The first signs of a confusion which will shape a nation come when the postman accidentally delivers 12 gallons of milk and eight pounds of flour to the Bastille prison, and 7 condemned enemies of the state to Mme. Bastille. According to historical records she made them a cup of tea and then forced them to ice cakes for Louis XVI. She was fine 2 francs for forced labour and clashing icing color combinations.
  • 1787 - Mme. Bastille nearly goes bankrupt having wrongly anticipating a surge in demand due to the peasants actually going out and eating cake. She sacks Marie Antoinette as a strategy consultant.
  • 1789 - French revolutionaries storm the other Bastille. You know, the other one. It's just up the street from the first one, the one that we stormed already. No, not the tobacconist, next to that. Do I have to draw you a map?
  • 1789 - Wedding cake figurines cause confusion in the dark among overexcited revolutionaries and the battle to take the Bastille cake shop rages for 3 days as a result.
  • 1811 - Napoleon makes Secondary Bastille Day a pubic holiday throughout French-occupied Europe. The British respond with well-bred disdain.
  • 1815 - A somewhat confused British man dies from keeping a stiff lower lip while eating cake.
  • 1889 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was one.
  • 1910 - The Grinch steals Christmas from a clan of pot smoking little people.
  • 1940 - A platoon of German soldiers is sent to occupy the Secondary Bastille. They are discovered ragged, starving and lost in 1952.
  • 1994 - President Bill Clinton initiates Dress Like a French Maid Day.
  • 1997 - Tupac Shakur dies six days after being shot in Las Vegas. Witnesses described the assailant as being dressed like a French maid.
  • 1999 - Lunar Bastille is blown out of orbit by a massive explosion at a waste storage complex overloaded with cake, camembert cheese rinds, croissants, and taunted English kanigguts.
  • 2000 - Al Qaeda decides that "9/11" is catchier than "9/13." Plans are postponed almost a full year.
  • 2001 - To honor the victims of 9/11, Dick Cheney dresses like a French maid.
  • 2009 - Kanye West is sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME, DOG.
  • 2010 - Taylor Swift wins at the VMA's again, except this time when Kanye West tries to bring his drunken ass up, she punches him in the nose, where he then falls on Beyoncé, who is so surprised, she screams. This alerts her bodyguards, who then tackle Kanye West and beat the crap out of him. That night he succumbs to his injuries, and Taylor Swift goes back up to the microphone. "I'm sorry, y'all, but Michael Jackson had one of the best deaths of all time! Of all time!"

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Umie the Umlaut

September 14: Struggle Day (Australia), Gřáťúïťõùš Üšę öf Ðîåçřïťíćãľ Mâřkš Ďàý (Everywhere else)

  • 1234 - The Duke of Umlaut invents the umlaut, becomes first Düke of Ümlaüt. He is later slain in a duel with Barón vön Accént Márk.
  • 1814 - Francis Scott Key writes The Star-Spangled Banner. He later retitles it The Stär Spänglèd Bäññër to make it more rockin'.
  • 1969 - Björk is björn in a lönely fjörd in Nörth Ïceláãnd.
  • 1970 - The metal band Blue Öyster Cult is förmed.
  • 1975 - The metal band Motörhead förms.
  • 1981 - The metal band Ümlåüt forms.
  • 1982 - Styx plăŷş "Mr. Roboto" for the first time. Pëóplè hate it. Al Gore then gets the ideä to enslave the robot populätion in a fjörd in Østlandet.
  • 1983 - The metal bänd Gřåťüïťöüs Díåçřïtíćäľ Mäřk forms.
  • 1985 - Hâägén-Dáãzs introduces their latest flavor: Döúblé Chérrÿ Crémë dé Chöcølãté Súprëmé. Prìntïng øf thè cartøns crëates hôles ïn thë pàckaging for some rëason, cäusing the contènts tö lëäk.
  • 2003 - In a referendum, Sweden rejects ädopting the Euro, unless it is renämed the Eüro.
  • 2004 - ä přêśćhööl têäćhěř is sůêd før têłľing a fäiry täłê tø hêr ćläss. Ťhé fäther øf ønê øf ťhé kids säid thát bý têłľíňg fäiřy tälêš, šhě wäs ůńdêrmińińg thêir äthêistic møräl välúês óf løgić äńd rêäśøn.
  • 2005 - The metäl band Thîs Rûňńîñg Jøkê ïs Wêäríñg Öút îtš Wëlcømê forms.
  • 2007 - Some guy has a bit of a struggle.
  • 2008 - Ůñçŷçłöpęđįă.ốřg õffīĉįäłłŷ bêċømêş mőŕē ŗêľïåb+ľē ťĥáŋ Ŵįķīpęďǐã.

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Nick Flynn trips

September 15: World Lame Excuse Day

  • A long time ago - God creates the Earth: "At the time, it seemed like a good idea."
  • 201 million years BCE - The Triassic-Jurassic extinction event occurs, killing most every animal except dinosaurs. While scientists argue about the cause, everyone else knows damn well it was due to dinosaurs playing with matches.
  • 1804 - Aaron Burr kills Alexander Hamilton in a duel and causes an uproar: "I didn't know the gun was loaded."
  • 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
  • 1939 - Germany invades France claiming they "should have made a left at Albuquerque."
  • 1989 - Billy Joel says that he didn't start the fire and takes a ridiculous amount of time to explain.
  • 2000 - Exotic dancer accidentally shits on a patron during a lap dance: "No extra charge."
  • 2015 - Disneycorp. releases Star Wars: The Force Awakens basically with the same plot repeated from earlier Star Wars movies: "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

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Big-e-981217-N-8492C-015-2

USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) no bloody A, B, C, or D!

September 16: Talk Like Scotty From Star Trek Day

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Hornytoad

September 17: Horny Toad and Human Day, Hypnotic Sex Change Day

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This God person

September 18: God's Birthday. Happy birthday, God!

  • Infinity BCE - God is born.
  • 13 trillion BCE - God receives the universe as a birthday present and breaks it six days later.
  • 3200 BCE - S'dhkai, a Canaanite, is struck down by lightning when he forgets God's birthday.
  • 2500 KFC - Israelites hold a birthday party for God, mistake him for a gold cow.
  • 1 CE - God has His first child... with hilarious results!
  • 1000 - God is scheduled to make a special birthday speech to the world, but cancels at the last minute.
  • 1609 - Gordon Edgeway and George Bennett are fused together in a nuclear fusion reaction; the resulting matter is named Gordon Bennett.
  • 1873 - The Panic of 1873 begins.
  • 1874 - The Drinking Binge of 1874 begins.
  • 1875 - The Mother of All Headaches begins.
  • 1997 - National referendum in Wales - an overwhelming majority (87.13%) vote yes on a motion to send out for pizza.
  • 1998 - Jenna Jameson beats off stiff competition to take an Oscar for her part in 7-Up.
  • 2000 - God is scheduled to make a special birthday speech to the world from Paris, but cancels at the last minute again. Rioting ensues.
  • 2001 - God gets drunk at His birthday party and passes out in Buddha's bathroom.

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1cheneypirate

September 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day

  • The Beginning - The Great FSM creates all that is, including his chosen people, the Pirates. According to Foodism, Chuck Norris fought with Super Fertile Man, the man with infinite balls and Chuck Norris's only true rival, both in martial artsy-fartsy and in bed. the massive amounts of cum sprayed to try to destroy each other and the massive amount of energy from the orgasms combine to create the universe. The first beings to come from the new universe's giant vagina, impregnated by her fathers, are the gods. This is in the R-rated version of Foodism, not the one commonly worshiped. For the record, the writer is the founder of Foodism. If you wish to discuss it, don't contact me at all. You may not make an article about Foodism, only I can. You can convert to Foodism and be baptised in a giant pool of food and drink, and sacrifice your first born child to the food gods (do not take this part seriously, the part about the giant pool).
  • 1588 - The Dread Pirate Wesley singlehandedly defeats the entire Spanish Armada in single combat.
  • 1778 - The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
  • 1796 - George Washington makes his farewell address, saying, "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
  • 1957 - First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 km (300 mi) away.
  • 1959 - After Nikita Khrushchev is barred from visiting Disneyland, he threatens to keelhaul a man dressed in a Goofy suit.
  • 1970 - Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme!
  • 1982 - Feared corsair Patch-Eyed Pete posts first recorded instance of an emoticon, P-) to an online bulletin board.
  • 1985- First pirate movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
  • 1989- Pirate_radio goes on the air and is fined for gratuitous use of the words "scalliwag" and "booty."
  • 1995 - First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
  • 2006 - With the War on Terror becoming increasingly bogged down in Iraq and Afghanistan, President Bush considers shifting focus to a War on Pirates.
  • 2006- Patch-Eyed Pete is fined $100,000 for using a pirated emoticon in 1982.
  • 2008- Due to the unpopularity of his administration, George W. Bush is forced to walk the plank. The outraged Right Wing Naval Forces (RWNF) stage an attack on the District of Columbia from their base in Wasila, Alaska, resulting in the Battle of Stupid Pirate Catchphrases.

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Landlubber

September 20: Sexual Innuendo Day, Sophia's Birthday, International Talk Like a Landlubber Day

  • 20,000,000 BCE Formation of the Amazon rainforest, a warm, wet, lush, dripping virgin jungle.
  • 19,999,999 BCE Amazon Rainforest loses its virginity.
  • 30,000 BCE Oonak of the Tribe of the Wolf tells Nooma of the People of the Lake that he's got a big, thick woody club back in his cave that he'd love to show her, inventing sexual innuendo.
  • 1187 - Saladin begins a siege on Jerusalem, hoping he can create a crevice in the walls and then forcefully insert his troops.
  • 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda on a long, hard, drawn out expedition to circumnavigate the globe, with about 270 seamen.
  • 1815 - First railroad tunnel finishes construction. It is tested by running a train in and out of it repeatedly.
  • 1837 - Rugby is invented. It is a game played by burly men with odd-shaped balls.
  • 1920 - Strawberry ice cream invented. Strong sales are seen for this soft, wet, pink dessert.
  • 1930 - Workers struggle to erect the mighty tower of the Empire State Building.
  • 1934 - Sophia Loren born. Assume the Position of Reverence by kneeling and lowering your eyes.
  • 1939 - Second World War declared. Churchill states in his first War-time speech: "We're going to be up against stiff opposition, and what we as a nation will experience in the coming months is going to be long and hard."
  • 1940 - First printing of "Biggles Goes Down".
  • 1940 - Allies get access to Japanese military intelligence after the Japanese "Purple" code is decrypted by Genevieve Grotjan, a cunning linguist.
  • 1941 - After two years of war, the British Royal Air Force choose between naming their planes the "spit-fire" or the "swallow-water."
  • 1942 - Werner Von Braun continues work perfecting the V-2 rocket. The V-2 is designed to burn ethanol and liquid oxygen, causing exhaust to spurt out of the nozzle, generating prolonged, forceful thrust.
  • 1957 - Popsicles, lollipops, bananas and cucumbers are invented.
  • 1960 - Oil mining in Alberta, Canada goes wrong, causing the rig to get stuck pumping farther and farther into the hole while the rich liquid spews out.
  • 1965 - Wham-O's Superball is introduced and becomes a runaway hit, because people love to play with balls.
  • 1993 - Foundations laid for the Three Gorges Dam.
  • 2005 - Israel pulls out of Palestine.
  • 2006 - Work continues on the Tautona gold mine in South Africa. Extending three miles underground, this mine holds the record for the world's longest shaft. Plans are being drawn up to plunge the shaft still deeper into the womb of the Earth.
  • 2006 - President Bush's attempts to quell the violence in Iraq prove impotent, making his presidency look increasingly limp and flaccid. He insists this is the "first time this has happened to me".

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Colawar

September 21: Cola Wars Armistice Day, International Sweat Like a Rapist Day

  • 454 - Roman Emperor Valentinian III assassinates his general Aëtius after a dispute over the merits of Coke and Pepsi.
  • 1066 - King Harold Godwinson is disgusted to find he has got sweat patches on his favourite armour. As he is changing behind a tree, a stealth agent shoots him in the eye.
  • 1780 - American Revolutionary War: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point and the secret formula to Coke.
  • 1828 - That Guy, not This Guy is born in Lower Throat-Warbling, Kent.
  • 1918 - Treaty of Cadbury-Schwepps marks the cessation of violence in the first Cola War.
  • 1947 - The Coke plan is set up to aid falling Coca Cola sales in Europe. Pepsi will have none of this, condemning it as cola sales imperialism.
  • 1952 - Pepsi introduces the 'So much better than Coke that it makes me feel sick' plan, and sets up 'Pepsicon'. Coca Cola is banned from the USSR. This triggers the Cold Cola War.
  • 1972 - Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos issues Proclamation No. 1081 placing the country under martial law and making Pepsi the official drink of the Phillipines.
  • 1978 - Earth, Wind, and Fire remember the 21st night of September. They then proceed to drink Coke.
  • 1983 - Ferdinand Marcos directs a confused man to the local garage to purchase Pepsi.
  • 1985 - Coca Cola invents Mountain Dew, infringing on Pepsi's trademark, starting Cola War II.
  • 1986 - Colonel Sanders surrenders his forces to PepsiCo at the Battle of Kentucky; Chicken Little announces that "the sky is falling!"
  • 1987 - Hershey's mediates a treaty between Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, ending Cola War II after much bloodshed in Central American plantations.
  • 1992 - Coca Cola creates Dr. Pepper, in a retaliation to Pepsi's root beer creation. The war continues with much hard-earned, rapist-like sweat.
  • 1998 - 7-Up is nominated for an Oscar.
  • 1999 - The impending Millennium celebrations force Royal Crown Cola to formulate a strategy to take down its opposition.
  • 2006 - Royal Crown Cola declares war on Pepsi Cola and Coca Cola, proclaiming 'Death to the American Capitalist Swine'.
  • 2007 - The day Tetris broke. Anti-Bullying Day occurs, the masses dress in pink after Pepto Bismol drips to death; pink unicycle spotted on national television.
  • 2009 - Rola Cola assassinates Royal Crown Cola, Coca Cola and Pepsi, in that order. They never stood a chance.
  • 2010 - Highly anticipated racing game, Test Drive Unlimited 2, scheduled for release, but is postponed due to turbulent Coca Cola-Pepsi relations.

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Autumnal Unquinox

September 22: Autumnal Unquinox, Annual Shout at the Elderly Day

  • 66 CE - Emperor Nero creates the Legion Italica, who wrote in all italics.
  • 1465 - Aztec tourists discover autumn in the resort town of Equinox, Vermont, a town named for an Aroostook chief who tended to fall off his horse. The first day of autumn was named after the town.
  • 1742 - Instead of the sun, a giant inflatable Wario head rises in the east followed by an encore of Bowser's Castle music for the entire morning. This would be heard and seen all over the globe.
  • 1785 - Britain fails to recognise autumn any longer, after realising that "the weather's always crap, every bloody day!"
  • 1816 - Autumn was cancelled after the Year Without a Summer.
  • 1827 - Some guy invents Mormonism.
  • 1867 - New England businessmen and scientists announce they genetically modified trees to change colors in autumn, as part of a plan to lure Southern tourists back North after the Civil War. The plan fails when the first Southern tourists complain about the integration of colored trees with non-colored trees.
  • 1898 - Toast is invented by Cthulu.
  • 1939 - America is yet to join World War II; Roosevelt requires more persuasion.
  • 1960 - Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham is first published, provoking the law that Best Before Date stickers are to be put on all eggs and ham. This law was later extended to include all perishable food items and Michael Jackson's career.
  • 2001 - The Federal Communications Commission places a largely ignored ban on the use of fall as a synonym for autumn, citing complaints by family members of September 11 victims.
  • 2003 - Plans to change winter to "Gets-back-up-again" are shelved, because it is "stupid".
  • 2004 - The countdown timer in Lost secretly goes below zero and counts down to minus 108, before displaying a picture of the Rosetta Stone and then a large Wikipedia logo. On a completely unrelated note, a plane crashes on the island and the first series of Lost begins.
  • 2009 - The renown special forces operative, marine and space cosmonaut, Master Chief, is found dead with his life partner Arby laying over him weeping. When consoled, he gives an account of their first sexual encounter since their relationship began. Arby states that his species has to wipe out the lint in their bladder everyday or it is projected out at near FTL speeds from one of their sexual organs, usually the phallus. Arby forgot.

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September 23: Take a Venomous Animal to Work Day, National Australian Pavlova Is Ours Day

  • 1143 - Pope Innocent II rejoins God after taking his wife to work.
  • 1554 - Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, Spanish explorer, dies after taking a rattlesnake to work.
  • 1774 - Pope Clement XIV (b. 1705) expires after taking a lionfish to work.
  • 1949 - Bruce Springsteen is born in the USA as a baby; his disappointed parents were hoping for a pony.
  • 1972 - The French word "capitulate" is added to the OED (the French themselves have been using the word since 600 BC).
  • 1974 - Two whole words, both alike in dignity, "Capulet" and "Montague", are added to the OED.
  • 1979 - Olympics held in Wigan for the second time.
  • 1986 - Ozzy "Ozzy" Osbourne catches a crazy train. Is late for work.
  • 1989 - Songwriter Irving Berlin dies when the platypus he brings to work strikes him with its venomous leg spines.
  • 1990 - First "cow catapult" launch observed in controversial computer game "Nuclear War".
  • 2002 - Revolution in Webbrowserland leads to crowning of Phoenix I by Mozilla rebels. This ignites the FireFox War, version 1.0.
  • 2006 - A homeless man in Australia is beaten senseless by a giant used tampon. Police reports show that the tampon was 'Carefree'.
  • 2007 - Rhys Jones is caught in a drive-by on the way to a Used concert. His collapse to the ground causes the biggest earthquake on human record which in turn brings on (doomsday).
  • 2008 - Australia freaks out due to apocalypse, but then realises that it is only a duststorm.
  • 2009 - Australia rejoices as government scientists prove that New Zealand forged the pavlova recipe, meaning that Australians now have another reason to mock their cousins across the Tasman.

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Weasel Stomping Day

September 24: Mudkip Appreciation Day

  • 3000 BCE - Greek philosopher Atheises founds the Order of Dyslexic Atheists and declares as its motto "Thert isi thaer no doG!".
  • 322 BCE - Isocrates teaches that the Mudkip is the key to all understanding. Violent disagreement follows with Aristotle taking his Jigglypuff home in disgust.
  • 1336 - Austrian troops invading Switzerland find pots of fondue set out for them along with plastic sporks. Thousand of soldiers die from third-degree burns from stringy melted cheese and melted plastic. Switzerland agrees to limit the use of fondue in the Treaty of Lausanne.
  • 1541 - Paracelsus, Swiss alchemist, passes away after being drained by a bitter rivalry with the alchemist Parafahrenheit.
  • 1612 - After a massive invasion of the Netherlands, Spain realizes they already own the place. They redouble their destructive efforts as punishment for the Dutch not telling them this.
  • 1789 - United States History: the position of Attorney General is established, to act as general over the army of attorneys raised during the Revolutionary War.
  • 1906 - U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower the nation's first National Monument after obsessively sculpting the rock formation in mashed potatoes.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler gets into a hedge dispute with his Polish neighbour.
  • 1991 - Jesus found alive and well in a Manchester crackhouse.
  • 1993 - Karl Marx personal diaries discovered, Marxism apparently was just a wind up to bug the Americans.
  • 2003 - George Bush declares war on Legoland.
  • 2004 - Thought to be driven to extinction by heavy distribution in a McDonald's giveaway, a surviving colony of Mudkips are found in the Malaysian jungle. The group of scientists discovering them are found dead inside their own Pokéballs.
  • 2006 - Michael Jackson sues himself for sexual assault and wins. He celebrates by sexually assaulting himself again.
  • 2007 - The last day of Adventalo, the gathering of millions of nerds awaiting the coming of the chiefus christ.
  • 2008 - War veteran Big Bird commits suicide after receiving hate mail for accidentally sinking China when he flushed the toilet.
  • 2009 - All 8 followers of the new-found religion Walmartism are sentenced to death after reports of attacks on rival gang The "Food Lion Elite".

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Drunk

Rare image of the invention of alcohol.

September 25: Pastafarian New Year's Eve

  • 10,000 BCE - Alcohol invented in Ireland.
  • 75 BCE - Julius Caesar assembles a small army to punish the prophet Mosey for ransoming him at too low a cost.
  • 20 CE - God invents Grues to punish Jews who persecuted Jesus.
  • 879 - Vikings find the word "Viking" offensive. Change name to Berserkers.
  • 1833 - Meteor shower destroys Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1936 - The great prophet Barry Foster is killed by an unplugged electric model tram whilst convening a Burns supper; he is subsequently devoured by his guests as part of the main course.
  • 1992 - 10am - A young Tony Blair meets a one eyed Scotsmen and falls in love.
  • 1992 - 1pm - Tony realizes he's a dick and begins an elaborate 14 year plan to screw him and the country over when he leaves.
  • 1999 - Britain's Millenium Dome is voted 'most useable structure' for the new millennium.
  • 2002 - Some girl in Kentucky is raped after a terrible accident by a guy with a triple B; pregnancy ensues.
  • 2006 - You log on and view Uncyclopedia; millions die.
  • 2007 - Large dome shaped roof for sale,little used, one careless owner, offers invited.
  • 2009 - Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' head declared useless dome, sold at auction for $12.53 (US) (€ 9,000,402) for cookie fundraiser for new pool table.
  • 2017 - Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron loses landslide to newly formed Conehead Party. Liberal Democrats enter into Liberal Conehead coalition government.
  • 2017 about 2 minutes later - David Cameron and Nick Clegg announce that they will divorce, as Nick "has a new bloke, and he is a Conehead!", a teary Cameron said.
  • 2018 - Tony Blair and Gordon Brown announce that they will organize benefit conference for one eyed hot Scotsmen. Action heavily criticized by newly elected Conehead Party/Liberal Democrat coalition government.
  • 2020 - Nick Clegg spontaneously explodes during debate on debating debates. No one in coalition notices. Clegg named a master debater.

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Noodledoodle bg3

Behold his Divine Noodliness!

September 26: Happy Pastafarian New Year!

  • 13,775,000,001 BC - The Flying Spaghetti Monster creates the Universe, then quickly retreats back into his dishy domain until the time is right.
  • 75 BC - Julius Caesar finally catches up with the prophet Mosey along the shores of the Mediterranean and crucifies him, along with his closest friends; they then dismantle his ship, the Lasagne, and sell it for scrap, ushering in the start of the Pastafarian calendar.
  • 1403 - Alfredo de Spag-Hetti, a merchant from Parma, begins his attempt of translating copies of the sacred texts of Pastafarianism, first given to him by an Arab trader, on this day.
  • 1708 - Blackbeard is finally killed by the South Carolina militia.
  • 1796 - Robert Burns convenes his first (and only) Burns supper; he dies in the middle of it and is devoured as part of the pasta course.
  • 1837 - Humpty Dumpty converts to Pastafarianism, is tossed off a wall for it.
  • 1922 - The Flying Spaghetti Monster curses President Warren G. Harding for being so corrupt; he falls ill and dies over the next year.
  • 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to pasta stocks going through the roof.
  • 1957 - British television viewers are informed of the dire plight of the Swiss spaghetti crop on the BBC's Panorama.
  • 1971 - Flying Spaghetti Monster moves into the Vatican, the rivers run red with pasta sauce.
  • 2005 - Bobby Henderson announces his rediscovery of the Flying Spaghetti Monster on this day.

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419

September 27: Being Fooled by Nigerian Scammers Day

  • 1932 BC: The Queen of Sheba gives half of King Solomon's vast fortunes to Nigerians posing as lepers.
  • 535: Pope Agapetus I sends half of all Vatican treasures to Nigerian princes in exchange for promises of ivory and tasty monkeys.
  • 1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. It begins, "Dear Sir, I am the cousin of the former finance minister of Nigeria, a Mr. Azikiwe..."
  • 1882: Oscar Wilde is notified that he has been selected to receive £24.9 million from persecuted Nigerian businessman Chief MKO Abiola! All he has to do is telegraph his checking account number!
  • 1905: Albert Einstein publishes the paper "Does the Inertia of a Body Depend Upon Its Energy Content?" in Annalen der Physik. This paper describes the relationship between energy and mass according to the equation E=MC2, where E is energy, M represents mass, and C is the number of Nigerian emails circling the internet at any given point.
  • 1942: Adolf Hitler gets scammed out of all of Nazi Germany's tank anti-freeze budget by a Nigerian claiming to need a small sum of money to export his emu stock and giant vast fortunes.
  • 2005: George W. Bush announces a 10,000,000 USD injection into the US economy, after receiving an email from "Dr. Shehu Shagari" who has all this money from some American guy's Nigerian bank account, who died in a plane crash with the rest of his family.
  • 2010: You go on to Uncyclopedia and check what anniversary it is after you paid a Nigerian $500 because he claimed to know the secret of life and that it was on this website.
  • 2043: You are trying to research the lost Egyptian eggplant known as, 'The Interwebz.'

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Brickwall

Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun.

September 28: Brick Wall Commemoration Day

  • [1102]] - First all-brick room construction is done by an unknown bricklayer who also invents the oubliette at the same time.
  • 1200 - Roger Waters places first brick in The Wall.
  • 1207 - The first brick wall crumbles. 491 years of darkness ensues.
  • 1698 - Brick reinvented by Kevin Costner as a flotation device. Costner decrees that any major milestone of the brick must henceforth occur on September 26.
  • 1699 - Roger Waters put another brick in The Wall. Masons remain unmoved.
  • 1704 - First 'stack of bricks' discovered at the bottom of Lake Superior, along with Ricki Lake.
  • 1837 - Humpty Dumpty trades in brick wall for something a lot more stable.
  • 1839 - Mister Angry Waters throw a lot of bricks in The Wall again and again.
  • 1917 - All in all, Roger Waters puts another fuckin' brick in The Wall.
  • 1923 - The Wailing Wall collapses after major flooding caused by millions of pilgrims.
  • 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to mortar stocks going through the roof.
  • 1989 - Berlin Wall breaks up after discovering their cover version of Canadian Idiot is not popular in America.
  • 1997 - Prof. M. Brick invents the 'new' brick wall to commemorate the 299th anniversary of the brick.
  • 1998 - Vin Diesel records a special commemorative cover of Brick House, titled Brick Shithouse.
  • 1999 - WLCP's Another Brick in the Eye reaches number 72 in the Billboard Charts.

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Adamandevewoodcut

September 29th: International Talk Like a 12th Century Finnish Cobbler Day

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Drunken knife fight

September 30: Lol-iday (Italy, formerly), Get in a Drunken Knife Fight Day

  • 903 BCE - The Game spins itself into existence and makes you LOSE!
  • 1399 - Burt Lancaster deposes Richard Burton to become Henry IV, King of England.
  • 1452 - First printed book, the Johann Gutenberg Bible is followed closely by The Girls of Gutenberg Press and The Gutenberg Bible, Lingerie Edition.
  • 1677 - Lol-iday is first proclaimed on the planet of Italy by Holy Roman Emperor Palpatine.
  • 1679 - The last occurance of Lol-iday, due to the forced slavery of the Umpalumpanians by Caesar.
  • 1813 - Battle of Bárbula: Simón Bolívar defeats Santiago Bobadilla in a drunken knife fight.
  • 1924 - World Snooker Championship played in New York for the first time. Americans fail to understand the game; stock market crashes afterward.
  • 1925 - Ski-jumping is born in Lithuania. Advocates of downhill skiing and assisted suicide are pleased.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin get caught in a Chinese thumb-trap. They reconsider global strategy and make pact of non-aggression accordingly.
  • 1941 - Adolf and Joe free themselves from the thumb-trap after exactly two years. They decide ass-kicking is in the cards again.
  • 1947 - The World Series, featuring the New York Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers, is televised for the first time. Baseball fans who hate both teams discover there is a world of reality outside of college football.
  • 1949 - The Berlin Airlift ends after millions of cubic feet of air were successfully transported to Berlin.
  • 1955 - James Dean gets drunk, tries to get in a knife fight with oncoming car.
  • 1984 - After Earth's transit of Mars, the African Republic of Upper Volta changes its name to Mars Volta.
  • 2013 - Charlie Sheen gets in a drunken knife fight with himself, wins.

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