From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.|
“Because of you I never streak too far up the sidewalk”
“Footballers are slaves. I know this from the personal experience of being a footballer.”
“Football is a game that needs to be beneficial for everyone. I have benefited through the numerous bribes I have taken.”
“Perhaps we could revisit the issue of World Cup Host selection for 2018/2022 as some countries feel, and we did say, they are more suitable. Russia was the only high risk location for 2018 and racial chanting is rife there but a Mr. R. Abramovich paid a significant fee to fund the voting proceedings and, not to be discriminatory, we would have to see the same thing from any England/Spain representatives wishing to have another vote.”
“We are happy at the victory for common sense!”
Sepp Bellend Blatter (b. 24 Septemuary 1932 BC), also known as Septic Bladder, is the lead singer of the failing band FIFA. He is known to occasionally make nonsensical utterings on-stage regarding performances of football referees, particularly during the 2006 FIFA World Cup, sponsored by an organisation of the same name as his band. His propensity to consume red wine during on-stage performances has seen protest letters being sent by, most notably, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Vladimir Putin, and David Hasselhoff. He has promised much but delivered little, his pledge to sing for hungry African children, or grant Oceania an automatic World Cup qualification spot, were largely unfulfilled.
Blatter was educated at St. Albans Church School, Limerick, until the age of 13, when he stated his desire to become a gay pimp. Subsequently he won scholarships to highly prestigious universities, such as the University of Wooloomoolloo, to which he eventually applied. There he studied Strayanism (study of Australian culture); but one night, fuelled by excessive Tooheys New, he was overcame with the burning ambition to start a queer band. With the help of illustrious artists like Pablo Picasso and Leonardo da Vinci, he appeared on Australian Idol, and was given a TOUCHDOWN! by judge Mark "I really love Ford" Holden for his rendition of I'm Every Woman. Eventually, he narrowly missed out on a finals berth because of a contentious refereeing decision which saw him dismissed for challenging Kate DeAraugo from behind. Blatter claimed it was a cucumber.
Despite the setback, Blatter found fame by appearing alongside Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in the Kelly Clarkson MTV clip, "Beware of You", playing a little girl abandoned by her Trekkie-father because she watches too much Star Wars. He was immediately snapped up by OMG Music Label, who put him together with Guy Sebastian and Justin Guarini to form the band FIFA. It was quickly revealed that Sebastian and Studdard are male-bots designed to kill Austen Powers, but mistook Blatter for Powers because of similarities of their chest-hairs. The two male-bots disintegrated and released two highly radioactive elements, "Angelsbroughtmehereium" (symbol Agm) and "Fromjustintokellyium" (symbol sh*thole). The deleterious effects of those chemicals can still be felt in remote parts of Australia, mostly inhibited by goats (such as Queensland).
To date, Blatter has added to the band FIFA, adding Michel Steakplatter. However, his most recent negotiation to perform live at Madison Square Gardens with Tom Cruise was turned down. His attempts to lure Cruise's favourite Couch to be his bass player was also turned down. With little financial support and Blatter's own endless meddling with his strings, the future of FIFA appears doomed. It's now up to Steakplatter to try and sort out the future.
In his spare time, It has been discovered that he likes to whore himself around for money. His recent accomplishments include whoring himself to South Africa for a 4 week period in 2010. Recently, it has been found that for an incredible sum of money, he is willing to whore himself to Russia in 2018 for 4 weeks and Qatar for a 4 week period in 2022.
Away from his whoring duties, he has been known to dress up as a women and going searching for men, who he then fleeces for money, whilst leaving them with blueballs. His future work includes selling children into slavery, taunting the old and stealing from the poor and spreading AIDS with as many people as possible by whoring himself out to as many nations as possible.
A few stupid quotes from blatter include; "I don't want goal line technology, because referees have to make bad decisions, and if there was goal line technology it would make it difficult to fixed matches." "I hate England." "I can do whatever I like, I am the most powerful man in the world". "FIFA is not corrupt". "I love Swiss cheese
Poppies On England Shirt Debacle
Septic Bladder took the decision to ban England from wearing Rememrance Poppies versus Spain. He cited the reason of "Unlike me, England have class and are able to stand up for themselves, whereas I'm just an old man whore who likes cock up my arse from richer, foreign men, for 4 weeks every 4 years". The Prime Minister apparently responded by writing an open letter calling him a "Cunt", "Knobhead" and a "Manwhore" and threatened him with an invasion with the British Armed Forces, but Bladder refused to change his mind. Upon the arrival of the British troops, who claimed to be from the EDL, Bladder and the FA reached an agreement to let Engerland wear Poppies on their black armbands. Lest We Forget. We Will Remember Them.
It is well known in the game that Bladder is gayer than Elton John. It is reported that Bladder has got a Range Rover tattoed on his dick as he needs it to get through all the dirt tracks he travels up. It is also well known that Septic Bladder is a complete cunt and he disrepects the war dead.
Allegedly Taking Bribes
It was alleged that Septic Bladder and his wrinkley cronies took bribes to allow Russia the right to host the 2018 World Cup, along with Qatar in 2022. The alleged bribes that occured, were as follows; Vladamir Putin gave him a reach around, Roman Abromavich gave him a blowjob and the Secretery of State for Communismm and Prostitution had to stick his face up Bladder's arse and lick it clean. Regarding 2022 they were; Sheikh Theni Or Something Like That gave him deep anal sex backstage for 2 hours up until the votes were cast to ensure the votes were cast in Qatar's favour. This sex was so good only one bribe was needed.
Blatter Funny Jokes
- The President of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, has come under more criticism about goal-line technology, this time from his wife.
She said, "It doesn't surprise me, I've been asking him for years whether it was in or not."
- He's fat, he's Swiss, his press conference took the piss. Sepp Blatter, Sepp Blatter.
- How do you make a Swiss roll? Give him some Qatari oil money and ask him to
- Mohammed Bin Hamann: Sepp Blatter is a dictator. I think you've added 2 too many syllables there mate.
Summary of Work
- FIFA World Cup 2010 Africa Edition
- FIFA World Cup 2006
- FIFA World Cup 2002
- FIFA World Cup 1998
Top 10 Hits
- Incompetent Referees
- Feed Tom's Couch
- Send 'em all off, you mongrels
- Down Under (note: pending outcome of copyright violation lawsuits)
- No one in England knows what 6+5 is
- Give Me Money And I Will Give You The World Cup
- It Was Over, No It Wasn't (accompanied by Jorge Larrionda and Mauricio Espinosa on bass guitar and tambourine respectively, performed in South Africa for charity in 2010)