Seitan

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Seitan is an abomination cruelly made to superficially resemble chicken meat. It was recently added to the Chemical Weapons Convention list of banned substances, and has been widely cited as the reason the terrorists hate our freedoms.

edit History

Seitan was first developed by a secret US government laboratory located in Area 51 in the late 1970s, and named after its creator. Although its origins are relatively well known by food historians, its intended purpose is the subject of much speculation and debate, especially on the topic of whether it was ever meant for human consumption. Some contend that it was the result of a government project meant to dispose of toxic waste by convincing vegetarians to eat it; others claim that it was the result of a failed experiment meant to find a food so awful that even the vegetarians would stay away from it.

Shortly after its creation, its potential for military application was recognized, and secret large-scale tests were approved by the Pentagon. Unsuspecting victims at cafeterias nationwide were tricked into consuming small portions of it, believing that they had loaded up their trays with chicken. Although these subjects only ingested trace amounts of the substance due to its immediate and devastating physiological effects, it was deemed effective enough to go into mass production. However, in 1997 the Chemical Weapons Convention banned the production and use of Seitan, bringing the US military production effort to a halt; nevertheless, the testing program continued unabated, while foreign nations developed their own variants of the substance. In September of 2013, Syria agreed to surrender its significant stockpile to the United Nations for destruction.

edit Chemistry

Testing has shown Seitan to have varying levels of radiation, as consistent with the theory that it was invented as a means of toxic waste disposal. However, its toxic effects have been very well studied. Seitan is known to utilize an obscure neural pathway from the taste buds directly to the brain, causing severe convulsions within seconds of ingestion; if not treated, it then causes uncontrollable retching followed by unconsciousness and sometimes death. The only known antidote to its effects is the application of actual meat directly to the tastebuds, which counteracts the effect and allows the victim to survive, although lasting neurological damage is inevitable.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that some people have developed a remarkable immunity to Seitan, likely the result of eating similarly awful food for many years.

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