From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“He was cool, but not too bright. Seemed like he was always distracted, always focused on something else. I mean, his mind was so one-track he didn't even laugh at my priceless quotes. Come on.”
“He likes the SEGA Saturn.”Segata Sanshiro was the founder of Sega and the Greater Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere. Akira Kurosawa based a judo master character on him, named Sugata Sanshiro, as a parody. Segata retaliated by having Akira eaten by Godzilla. Segata famously does not have a sense of humour, he is in fact the only person to have never laughed at a single Oscar Wilde quote, not even a teensy-weensy one, not even if it was wafer thin. Segata is a great combat fighter, being the first person to become a 1 millionth Dan Judo black belt. Sanshiro is a serious man with a firm sense of duty, who believes that playing video games is one of the most treasured activities in life.
edit Early Life
Segata had a difficult childhood. It was during the Sega Saturn famine of 1566, where nothing would grow except for Sega Saturns. Many days he would have to survive on nothing but boiled water with a Sega Saturn in it. Because Japan lives on a faultline, Segata's house was destroyed and he was forced to make a house entirely out of Sega Saturns. His family was too poor to afford to send him to school, and he was forced to work in the dangerous Sega Saturn mines with his family. The only thing his measly allowance of three Sega Saturns could afford was Judo lessons. All he ever wanted during his childhood was to play video games. Often he would see forunate children who would choose to spend their time outside enjoying the sunshine and getting a bit of exercise. At times like these he would be overcome by an horrificly violent anger, he promised his Sega Saturns that if he ever had the money he would like to spend his life forcing people to play video games.
Segata being a good Japanese son studied hard rising through the ranks of the Judo world quickly. He eventually won an internship at JUDO ltd., the leading Judo provider in Asia. This was lucky because nine months earlier he had accidentally got his Sega Saturn girlfriend pregnant and she had dumped a half Japanese-half Sega Saturn newborn in his lap, and walked off.
edit Time at JUDO ltd.
Segata took an internship at JUDO ltd. thinking they would provide him an allowance for him and his young son to live off. Segata struggled to fulfill the commitments of his internship and earn enough money on the side to support his son. Unbeknowst to his coworkers Segata and his son had been kicked out of their apartment for not being able to pay the rent. He and his son spent time sleeping wherever they could sometimes at work, sometimes in public bathrooms. Segata eventually became a full time employee of JUDO ltd. and his son and himself relished in their newfound prosperity.
When he was not working at JUDO ltd. Segata was practising his Judo skills on an oversized Sega Saturn. It was at this point that Mario, Sonic and later Crash Bandicoot of the Cerberus Group asked him to support them in their bid to enslave adolescents to gaming. This was exactly what Segata had desired all his life. He donated all his current life savings to this business venture with his partners his buddy Sega Saturn also helped with the initial amount of capital.
Segata's business venture paid off big time he was now a multi-billionaire. But he was not one to forget his roots, he recalled his time as a child when he had to work in the mines instead of play video games, while he watched other fortunate children frolicking outside instead of sitting inside a dark closed room playing video games. The memory still angered him. Often he would wake up at nights, screaming, thinking of the millions of children squandering their time outside playing ball games.
Sanshiro retired from his job, said goodbye to his worldly possessions, and decided to live as a hermit high on a mountain, devoting his life to intensive Sega Saturn training. He trained physically every day by carrying around a giant Sega Saturn on his back and punching buttons on its giant controller, as well as mentally by breaking piles of bricks with his head. Until he eventually became a 1 millionth Dan Black Belt in Judo, making him so powerful that simply the touch of his little finger can throw people over his back scoring him a perfect 2 point throw. He began to frequently visit the city to seek out people who were not playing the Sega Saturn, and harshly teach them a lesson.
He first sought out all the children who had squandered their free time in front of him. They now had big important jobs and were too busy to play video games. Segata Sanshiro quickly defeated them breaking many bones. He soon conquered all of Japan, the next step was Asia. He invaded Manchuria and decimated all of their track and field stars. He then invaded all of China, he pushed southwards taking over Indochina, he knocked over famed busy city Singapore with surprising ease. He eventually conquered all of the Asia-Pacific region single-handedly. While this was going on his business partners in Cerberus had taken over the rest of the world. Together they formed the all-powerful Axis of Video Gaming.
edit Present Activities
In between hospitalising children that don't play video games and training, Segata often does consulting work helping important people make others do what they want. He has also found time to write his biography, The Pursuit of Sega Saturnness, which was later turned into a major motion picture. He made note when he tried his hand at music composition, penning the hit single "Sega Saturn Shiro".
edit Segata's song
Translated from the Japanese:
Sega Saturn Shiro! by Segata Sanshiro The solitary man who devoted his soul to the way of games Today, he comes again He will punish those who do not play seriously Their battered bodies will never forget! [chorus] Segata Sanshiro, Segata Sanshiro! Sega Saturn... shiro! They play tennis, sing karaoke, flirt around in clubs... Are there not more serious tasks to be done? Those who cannot have fun outside of groups He questions them deep inside their hearts Segata Sanshiro, Segata Sanshiro! Sega Saturn... shiro! (voice of Segata) Youngsters... is there something in your life you are completely devoted to? Something you sink into so deeply you put your life on the line? You must play Sega Saturn! Play... until your fingers break! Until your fingers break! Even if they chase after sex, that petty pleasure They're only spending years of emptiness Those who do not immerse themselves to the extreme in gaming He will tear them apart! Segata Sanshiro, Segata Sanshiro! Sega Saturn... shiro! The white clouds floating on the great blue sky And the boiling red bloodshed in fierce gaming Those who give up halfway through Their battered bodies will never forget! Segata Sanshiro, Segata Sanshiro! Sega Saturn... shiro! Segata Sanshiro, Segata Sanshiro! Sega Saturn... shiro!