Sega CD

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(Sega Tower of Babel; Sonic CD's not FMV; unlike Double Switch with Corey Haim.)
 
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{{Q|Just plug it into your Genesis!|Black guy|Sega Genesis and Sega CD doing it}}
 
{{Q|My dick won't fit in the hole!|Basement nerd|A copy of Sonic VHS}}
 
{{Q|In Soviet Russia, CD plays you!|Russians|The tiny CDs}}
 
 
{{Uncyc-Infobox|
 
{{Uncyc-Infobox|
 
Title=Sega Micro CD|
 
Title=Sega Micro CD|
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Data2=[[Disney|Intel]] Octomom 4 1.39-bit 3.14159... Core Processor @ 1985GHz
 
Data2=[[Disney|Intel]] Octomom 4 1.39-bit 3.14159... Core Processor @ 1985GHz
 
500KB of GOAT<br>
 
500KB of GOAT<br>
0.27GHz [[SonylPhony]] designed custom Graphics Food Processor/Liquefier<br>
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0.27GHz custom Graphics Food Processor/Liquefier<br>
 
WiFi, YooHoo, Ethernet, Potionnet, telegraph, phonograph, barstool, restroom, 3 bedroom, 3 bath and Can-and-String Communication|
 
WiFi, YooHoo, Ethernet, Potionnet, telegraph, phonograph, barstool, restroom, 3 bedroom, 3 bath and Can-and-String Communication|
 
Data3Head=Obscure Games|
 
Data3Head=Obscure Games|
Data3=[[Cold War|Hotel Mario]], [[Legend of Zelda|Sonic SD Card]], [[Pac Man 4D|Crac-Man 57D]], [[Your Mom]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]|
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Data3=[[Cold War|Hotel Mario]], [[Legend of Zelda|Sonic SD Card]], [[Your Mom]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog]]|
Footnotes=}}
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Footnotes=
The Segay (Short for "Sega is hardgay") Micro CD is another one of the shitty add-ons made for the [[Mega Drive|Mega Drive your skull into The Wall In Torment.]] The system was noted for its
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}}
god awful FMV based games such as [[Night Trap|Whore Trap]], [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Gay Little Hedgehog collects Rings and
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The '''Sega CD''' was the second story of Sega Tower of Babel, a series of ambitious, but unsuccessful add-ons to the [[Mega Drive|Sega Genesis]] gaming console. However, like the Star Wars prequels and the children of famous people, the Sega CD turned out to be a disappointment. The system was noted for its God-awful FMV based games like Night Trap and Double Switch (with Corey Haim!).
kills Scientist in Robot Cars]], and the ever weird [[Mario|Hotel Mario]]. In fact, sales for Hotel Mario were so bad it's
 
the reason Microsoft made the Xbox. Nice Job, bastards. Tht includes you, {{USERNAME|You}}.
 
   
==How The Hell Did It Start?==
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When the [[Mega Drive|Sega Genesis]] was starting to get popular, it met the Turbografx CD at a Slayer concert and the pair had just a few too many beers. It ended in a one-night stand, but the Turbo CD wound up being pregnant. A couple of months later, the Sega CD was born, and it got dumped in a fried chicken bucket at the doorstep of the Genesis' house. It wouldn't be until '92 when it finally got done with [[college]] and was told to get a job. With high hopes, the Sega CD looked for work in the emerging video game industry, but before long, it made horrible mistake number one: sign a contract with Marky mark and the Funky Bunch. When it launched in '92, all the Sega CD had was shit for games. Yet Sega fanboys bought it up thinking that Full Motion Seizure meant "OMG REAL LIFENESS GAMEZ!". Unfortunately, Sega's most faithful were disappointed when they realized that all the games were really just about clicking buttons to make some idiot dance or something.
It all started when the [[Mega Drive|Sega Genesis]] was starting to get sales popularity. It was at a rally where it met the Turbografx CD. And it ended in a one night stand, and the Turbo CD was pregnant. A couple of months later, the Sega CD was born, and it got dumped in a fried chicken bucket at the doorstep of the Genesis' house. It wouldn't be until '92 when it got done with college and tried to prove itself. And it made horrible mistake number one: sign a contract with Marky mark and the Funky Bunch. When it launched in '92 or '93, all it had was shit for games. Yet the [[Retard|idiots]] bought it up thinking Full Motion Seizure meant "OMG REAL LIFENESS GAMEZ!". Unfortunately, all it was was really bad games where all it was about was clicking buttons to make some idiot dance or something. The only one people actually bought was Night Trap because it was about vampires trying to rape a bunch of teenage girls, which secured its place in the porn market. The system stayed the course of crap after crap until the eventful release of the now classic [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic Laserdisc]], which was about collecting rocks of crack and defeating Wilford Brimley in a hoverchair. Take that, Liberty Medical! Where's your diabeetus now?
 
   
  +
==Rise to Infamy==
  +
Fresh out of school and hungry for glory, the CD attempted to prove itself as an edgy and trendy game console. The result was the controversial murder-porn known as ''Night Trap''. The game was about vampires trying to rape a bunch of teenage girls, which secured its place in the [[porn]] market. Night Trap appealed to [[idiots|edgy teenagers who didn't know any better]], but the game caused the Sega CD to be ostracized by the rest of society. While the world was perfectly used to murder-porn, the public was mortified by Night Trap's profanely bad story-telling. As a result, a bunch of [[Christian|uber-Christian]] mothers with nothing better to do started raising a shitstorm. This magnified the controversy, which not only damaged the public image of Sega, but also caused enormous backlash against the entire video game industry. Soon, many parents began to believe that their kids' time would be better spent going outside or making friends. Worldwide, video game sales plummeted, and it wasn't long before the Sega CD's tattered reputation made it the [[Nickelback]] of the gaming world.
  +
  +
On the bright side, Night Trap did contribute to a statistical decrease in violent crime. Thousands of would-be murderers played the game, and thought to themselves 'Wow, if killing people is ''this'' boring, I should probably find something better to do with my free time'. However, this decrease in crime was counter-acted by the release of Grand Theft Auto just a few years later.
  +
  +
[[Image:Liqlunch2.jpg|right|thumb|200px|A home remedy for bad games.]]
 
==The Badness Gets a Facelift==
 
==The Badness Gets a Facelift==
After a year, the Sega CD got tired of its weight, which he blamed on 3 chicken buckets a day, not to mention the Seizure Videos. And then it happened- the Mega Screwdriver turned into a square. And that's when the CD turned even uglier- It became an ugly gigantic rectangle with a flip lid, not to mention it plays "Never Gonna Give You Up" when there's no CD instead of "Foxy Lady". And then the CDs got smaller, which turned away the nerd division of the porn market.
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Over the next year, the Sega CD squatted over the video game industry and squeezed out a long line of genuinely smelly games. In fact, many of the games were so terrible, that after playing such ridiculously-named titles as 'Sewer Shark' and 'Bug Blaster', many [[gamers]] suffered from traumatic stress. In order to cope with these horrible experiences, many gamers mentally repressed any [[memory]] of the games. Others turned to [[alcoholism]]. Those who were desperate enough even resorted to getting [[jobs]]. Nevertheless, the system stayed the course of [[crap]] after crap until the eventful release of the now classic [[Sonic the Hedgehog]], which was about collecting rocks of crack and defeating [[Wilford Brimley]] in a hover-chair.
[[Image:Cdrom.jpg|right|thumb|This is what Sega fans see when they try to smoke one of those 32X CD games.]]
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[[Image:Cdrom.jpg|left|thumb|200px|This is what Sega fans see when they try to smoke one of those 32X CD games.]]
 
==CD Does Drugs==
 
==CD Does Drugs==
After a while, the disuse of the Sega CD brought it into a bad crowd. But it was responsible for creating one of the greatest drugs of the 90s while drinking Sprite and vodka- 32X. The final product looked like a black tumor or a mushroom and makes you think you're [[Doom (1993 video game)|fighting zombies and demons on Mars]] or [[Knuckles|Getting stuck with a lizard in an amusement park.]] And after a while, nobody liked 32X anymore due to in killing [[Tupac Shakur]], and because everybody like the new kid on the block, the Saturn, which also lost to the [[Playstation|unspeakable horror]]. Nowadays, the Sega CD is in the Marines, gunning down terrorists and [[North Korea|Robot Bitches]] left and right, trying to prove it's not a total piece of Full Seizure crap.
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After a while, the disuse of the Sega CD brought it into a bad crowd. But it was responsible for creating one of the greatest [[drugs]] of the 90s while drinking Sprite and [[Vodka]]- The Sega 32X. The final product looked like a black tumor or a mushroom that causes you to have violent hallucinations. People playing the 32X reported seeing themselves [[Doom (1993 video game)|fighting zombies and demons on Mars]] or being in a [[Boretal Kombat|death match with ninjas]]. However, after a while, nobody liked 32X anymore due to its involvement in the killing of [[Tupac Shakur]], and because everybody liked the new kid on the block, the Saturn, which also lost to the [[Playstation|unspeakable horror]].
==The Specs==
 
*Discs with a center hole too tiny for even a nerd's dick *cough*{{USERNAME|You}}*cough*
 
*Full Seizure Video contained in a box the size of an ant
 
*Only, like, 3 good games
 
*Uses 3 processors designed to produce unoriginality and retardedness
 
*A CD+G player (The G stands for G-strap, as in the belt used to run the 8 in. floppy drive)
 
==Some of those only good Games==
 
*Sonic Telegrammaphone (1993)
 
*Lunar Silver Mercades (2002)
 
*Hooker Trap (4321)
 
*Mario Paint (AB2C)
 
*Link: The Feces of Evil (Wait, that's Nintendo!!)
 
*{{USERNAME|You}} the Homo fucks the World Up! (AACE)
 
*WATCH OUT HMOIE! (WTF?)
 
*IMMALET YOU FINISH, BUT MARIO IS THE BETTER GAME GUY (West)
 
   
==Le Video==
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==Bad Times Get Worse==
<center><youtube>vHBTVrZF-qo&hl=en&fs=1&</youtube></center>
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Around 1996, the Sega CD's rampant drug habits negatively affected its already poor game sales. Eventually the CD started showing up to work drunk and stoned, and it wasn't long before it received a pink-slip in the mail. Sega's reason for firing the Sega CD from video game industry was because things "just weren't working out." A couple of weeks later, CD was evicted from its apartment because it couldn't pay the rent. Newly homeless, the Sega CD relied on unemployment checks to fuel its continuing drug addiction. At that point, the CD began hanging out with other hapless and drugged-up consoles like the [[Atari Jaguar]] and the [[Philips CD-i]].
   
  +
In CD's place, Sega hired the Saturn, which was a whole new console with a clean background check and a degree from a prestigious school. Sega's hope was that the new guy would actually manage to produce something good. However, after the CD had botched the market, the new guy wouldn't last very long either. In fact, the Saturn never even managed to get its own game featuring [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic]], which was the one game series that had made Sega popular in the first place. The [[Dreamcast]] wouldn't last very long either and after three unsuccessful consoles, Sega eventually went under. As the company packed up its belongings and somberly moved out of the office, the Sega CD watched, laughing drunkenly from the street corner.
   
<center>This is a nerd's drug trip.</center>
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Since then, nobody knows where the Sega CD went. Some say that he got boxed up and was chucked into the back of a dark closet, never to be seen again. Others say that he was thrown into the garbage and now resides in a landfill. There are even rumors that he moved to South America and made a fortune as a masked wrestler. Whatever happened to him, the Sega CD is out there somewhere, drunkenly plotting their revenge.
   
==See Also==
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==See also==
 
*[[Sega Genesis]]
 
*[[Sega Genesis]]
 
*[[Sega]]
 
*[[Sega]]
*[[Your Mom]]
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*[[Gamers]]
*[[Mario|Communist Plumbers From Outer Space]]
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*[[Sonic the Hedgehog]]
   
 
{{Game Consoles}}
 
{{Game Consoles}}

Latest revision as of 20:04, January 8, 2016

Sega Micro CD
Sega Elvis CD
This is supposed to be cutting edge?
Units Sold: 230 Microvision Universally-Wide
Specifications: Intel Octomom 4 1.39-bit 3.14159... Core Processor @ 1985GHz

500KB of GOAT
0.27GHz custom Graphics Food Processor/Liquefier
WiFi, YooHoo, Ethernet, Potionnet, telegraph, phonograph, barstool, restroom, 3 bedroom, 3 bath and Can-and-String Communication

Obscure Games: Hotel Mario, Sonic SD Card, Your Mom, Sonic the Hedgehog

The Sega CD was the second story of Sega Tower of Babel, a series of ambitious, but unsuccessful add-ons to the Sega Genesis gaming console. However, like the Star Wars prequels and the children of famous people, the Sega CD turned out to be a disappointment. The system was noted for its God-awful FMV based games like Night Trap and Double Switch (with Corey Haim!).

When the Sega Genesis was starting to get popular, it met the Turbografx CD at a Slayer concert and the pair had just a few too many beers. It ended in a one-night stand, but the Turbo CD wound up being pregnant. A couple of months later, the Sega CD was born, and it got dumped in a fried chicken bucket at the doorstep of the Genesis' house. It wouldn't be until '92 when it finally got done with college and was told to get a job. With high hopes, the Sega CD looked for work in the emerging video game industry, but before long, it made horrible mistake number one: sign a contract with Marky mark and the Funky Bunch. When it launched in '92, all the Sega CD had was shit for games. Yet Sega fanboys bought it up thinking that Full Motion Seizure meant "OMG REAL LIFENESS GAMEZ!". Unfortunately, Sega's most faithful were disappointed when they realized that all the games were really just about clicking buttons to make some idiot dance or something.

edit Rise to Infamy

Fresh out of school and hungry for glory, the CD attempted to prove itself as an edgy and trendy game console. The result was the controversial murder-porn known as Night Trap. The game was about vampires trying to rape a bunch of teenage girls, which secured its place in the porn market. Night Trap appealed to edgy teenagers who didn't know any better, but the game caused the Sega CD to be ostracized by the rest of society. While the world was perfectly used to murder-porn, the public was mortified by Night Trap's profanely bad story-telling. As a result, a bunch of uber-Christian mothers with nothing better to do started raising a shitstorm. This magnified the controversy, which not only damaged the public image of Sega, but also caused enormous backlash against the entire video game industry. Soon, many parents began to believe that their kids' time would be better spent going outside or making friends. Worldwide, video game sales plummeted, and it wasn't long before the Sega CD's tattered reputation made it the Nickelback of the gaming world.

On the bright side, Night Trap did contribute to a statistical decrease in violent crime. Thousands of would-be murderers played the game, and thought to themselves 'Wow, if killing people is this boring, I should probably find something better to do with my free time'. However, this decrease in crime was counter-acted by the release of Grand Theft Auto just a few years later.

Liqlunch2

A home remedy for bad games.

edit The Badness Gets a Facelift

Over the next year, the Sega CD squatted over the video game industry and squeezed out a long line of genuinely smelly games. In fact, many of the games were so terrible, that after playing such ridiculously-named titles as 'Sewer Shark' and 'Bug Blaster', many gamers suffered from traumatic stress. In order to cope with these horrible experiences, many gamers mentally repressed any memory of the games. Others turned to alcoholism. Those who were desperate enough even resorted to getting jobs. Nevertheless, the system stayed the course of crap after crap until the eventful release of the now classic Sonic the Hedgehog, which was about collecting rocks of crack and defeating Wilford Brimley in a hover-chair.

Cdrom

This is what Sega fans see when they try to smoke one of those 32X CD games.

edit CD Does Drugs

After a while, the disuse of the Sega CD brought it into a bad crowd. But it was responsible for creating one of the greatest drugs of the 90s while drinking Sprite and Vodka- The Sega 32X. The final product looked like a black tumor or a mushroom that causes you to have violent hallucinations. People playing the 32X reported seeing themselves fighting zombies and demons on Mars or being in a death match with ninjas. However, after a while, nobody liked 32X anymore due to its involvement in the killing of Tupac Shakur, and because everybody liked the new kid on the block, the Saturn, which also lost to the unspeakable horror.

edit Bad Times Get Worse

Around 1996, the Sega CD's rampant drug habits negatively affected its already poor game sales. Eventually the CD started showing up to work drunk and stoned, and it wasn't long before it received a pink-slip in the mail. Sega's reason for firing the Sega CD from video game industry was because things "just weren't working out." A couple of weeks later, CD was evicted from its apartment because it couldn't pay the rent. Newly homeless, the Sega CD relied on unemployment checks to fuel its continuing drug addiction. At that point, the CD began hanging out with other hapless and drugged-up consoles like the Atari Jaguar and the Philips CD-i.

In CD's place, Sega hired the Saturn, which was a whole new console with a clean background check and a degree from a prestigious school. Sega's hope was that the new guy would actually manage to produce something good. However, after the CD had botched the market, the new guy wouldn't last very long either. In fact, the Saturn never even managed to get its own game featuring Sonic, which was the one game series that had made Sega popular in the first place. The Dreamcast wouldn't last very long either and after three unsuccessful consoles, Sega eventually went under. As the company packed up its belongings and somberly moved out of the office, the Sega CD watched, laughing drunkenly from the street corner.

Since then, nobody knows where the Sega CD went. Some say that he got boxed up and was chucked into the back of a dark closet, never to be seen again. Others say that he was thrown into the garbage and now resides in a landfill. There are even rumors that he moved to South America and made a fortune as a masked wrestler. Whatever happened to him, the Sega CD is out there somewhere, drunkenly plotting their revenge.

edit See also

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