“I have a Dreamcast!”
“This article is about a company called sega.”
$EG@ (pronounced "dead"), portmaneau of Racial Segregation and Games, was part of Segata Sanshiro's master plan for the enslavement of adolescents. He hated how children would go and spend their time outside playing sports or games (interbreeding as a result of this) instead of locked away in a dark room playing video games. He decided to start a company that would promote video gaming, while he would punish those who squandered their time frolicking in the sun and fresh air (by sterilizing them).
After Segata Sanshiro retired to the mountains, only to come out and punish children for not playing video games, he left the day-to-day management of Sega to a board consisting of R. Kelly, Bugs Bunny, America Junior, and your mom. There is a rumor that Oprah, Your sister, and Lesbian teenagers own the majority of stock, which has notable feminist influences in recent Sonic games, such as "Sonic Respects Women Whilst Collecting Rings". William Jefferson Clinton is routinely seen in a vulgar sonic the hedgehog costume "prancing about" (quote unreferenced) in the Sega boardroom. It is because of such shenanigans that furry art exists on the internet today.
Sammy was the son of Segata Sanshiro (as seen in the biopic of his life The Pursuit of Sega Saturnness), he had plans to take over his father's company and rule the international market of paper bags. He was later foiled in 1998 when he discovered neither he, nor his company were able to produce paper bags and he had been leading the company to ruins.
He would soon start on a product worthy of release, which he dubbed the "Dreammachine", released in Europe as the Probotronic due to censoring. All humans were replaced with robotic puppies, named AIBO and all gunfire was replaced with spray cheese from a can. Sammy later managed to physically merge with the company and took over part of China, which he called "Taiwan" after his great-great grandfather and inspiration.
(Side Note:) Gamers have considered Sammy a hero. This is commemorated on the 31st of November by one man who can't read a calander.
In 1991, Sonic the Hedgehog, started his mission on Earth. Through the prophet Yuji Naka, he was able to take Sega and do as he wished. If anyone said otherwise they were smited by God, comprende? Sonic created the Holy Sega Genesis and released his story onto the consle. Sega became the top holy consle and Nintendo was doomed. However, after Sonic's untimely death at the hands of Marv Albert, Bugs Bunny took over and ballsed up. Sega lost its holy status forever. Warning, over exposure may cause the result of the following equation: sega x viewing= ass, sega x viewing -ass=0 (nes) sega -ass/ viewing -nes = 0, sega- ass= 0, -sega= -ass, sega = ass
Sega are renowned for many a console that has changed the course of history. These consoles include-
- M4st3r N00b-pwning Syst3m
- Saturn Sega (Known By Your mom as Sega Saturn)
- Paul's letter to the Thessalonians
- Mega Drive
- Game Gear (known in Russia as the GEAR GAME YOU!)
- Dreamcast (Known by n00bs as "Dreamblast")
- Sega Xbox
- Nintendo Wii (it's all really a facade - Nintendo was bought out by Sega in 2005, after the dismal failure of the Gamecube).
- Atari Jaguar (Sega have revoked all knowledge in the funding of this console)
- Sega Pluto - discontinued when it was deemed to no longer be a console.
According to Video Game Variety weekly magazine available only at your closest Sega retailer it clearly states "Sega has the largest range of a variety of games available for everyone. There is no repetitive titles compared to Nintendo's favor of Mario with a stammering 5 games. We find that the system is very popular with the characters of Pikachu and Donkey Kong which are sold separately on eBay with bids starting at $50trillion USD as gorillas aren't allowed as pets and the costs are to cover all legal costs and because Australia will not allow a new species of anything without going through quarantine. Sales have increased dramatically with the Playstation 3 being in favor and minus 50 billions purchases of any sega product. We are on the lead of something new."
Sonic Rush is most renowned of their games, but that is because it was secretly made by Shigeru Miyamoto, and everything that Shigeru Miyamoto touches is inherently the best thing ever. Luckily, it was released into the human world. The games plot deals with Sonic attempting to teach people the ways of the Cult of Sonic, but he is foiled by Dr. Eggman and Eggman's bastard son, Eggman Nega. Luckily for Sonic, he is helped out by his new co-star/furry sex symbol Blaze the Cat, who is good enough to be Sonic's sex slave because she is blazing hot, get it?
It is rumored that Sega, to date, has continued manufacturing new generations of video game systems. Sega is rumored to have gone so far as to have third party developers subsidized by the millions with Sega's play money to develop $200 million dollar blockbusters for the 512-bit Saturncast Dreamtard Extreme Portable. When asked by IGN as to why none of this development had made it to market, Hiato Morimatsuki said "What? Profit? Market? Promote? Balderdash! Hogwash!" and so on.
None other than the Sega Nomad shows Sega's idiocy. The Nomad, released in 1995, is on the same level of failure as the Virtual Boy or the game.com. Sega, in a last-ditch attempt to compete with the Pokemon playing machine, released the Nomad as a standalone portable console, taking significant liberties with the word "portable." Instead of playing downsized or "dumbed down" games like a traditional console, the Sega Nomad plays full-sized Genesis games. Yes, this actually happened. One literally sticks a Genesis game and plays it. Internally, it is a model 2 Sega Genesis. Aesthetically, it is a deformed brick that is no more pleasing, and even heavier than their first effort, the Game Gear. In fact, it's basically a Game Gear with 6 extra buttons and Genesis hardware inside. Set at a retail price of $180, ($750 adjusted for inflation) the Sega Nomad was destined to failure, and as a result of the ludicrous idea of stuffing a Genesis in a huge brick, Sega lost more money. Duracell was also furious over failure of their deal with Sega, which was dependent on the success of the Nomad.
- ↑ However, losing money is what Sega does best!