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“Oops, I beeped, I must be stealing. I'll have to be frisked by that fat man with the long baton.”
“I'm just trying to do my job here sir.”
“Could you just come with me for a second. Right this way.”
Security Guard (Latin name: Securus dooshius) often known colloquially as Is that guy following me?, is a species of human being which is world famous for its stalking and predatory nature, amazing talent for apprehending completely innocent people and its lack of actual knowledge about vital areas of its occupation, including:
Security Guards were invented by The Man around 12 A.D. They soon spread to every corner of the globe and began populating malls, supermarkets and anywhere else relatively worthless crap is sold. They are distantly related to other humans in the genus Securus such as - Police Officers, Nightclub Bouncers and small children dressed in police costumes holding walkie talkies and batons. They spend most of their time eating, talking amongst themselves, watching women undress, putting security tags on 66 cent plumbing supplies and frisking suspected criminals.
Origins and History
Jerusalem: 2,000 Years AgoThe oldest Security Guard fossils appears to date back to just under 2,000 years ago. From the dating of these fossils archaeologists theorise that security guards were created by The Man to stop Jesus and his gang of meddling kids from stealing bread, cigarettes and packets of gum from the various food convenience stalls he owned around Jerusalem. This new species of human was such a success that many more were bred to fight the growing number of petty thieves and their thieving monkeys in the Middle East.
Italy: 600 years ago
The next major leap for the the security guard happened in the Italian Renaissance. However, they still didn't realize their buddy was being thrown off a wall or stabbed and thrown in a pile of hay when it happened right in front of them. An Italian renaissance-era security guard was an ancestor of Captain Oblivious.
As of the 21st century, the security guards primary method of transportation is a Segway. However, in areas where there is a Segway shortage, they still get along by walking (but generally cannot be bothered to run). Modern hobbies of the security guard involve watching shoppers pick their nose or scratch their buttocks on security cameras. But they continue to watch the cameras hoping something more interesting will happen.
Anatomy and Physiology
Scientists have been debating whether or not security guards can truly be considered human over the last two millenia. While they look to the untrained observer to be fully human, truly skilled observers will quickly note several differences, which help to distinguish the security guard, (Securis dooshius), from true humans. Security guards are known to be larger than true humans, with a body mass index score of ZOMG. Security guards, unlike most true humans, have an affinity for standing in one place staring into a corner. Security guards are known for their uncontrollable sobbing at the sound of a shop alarm.
It is also generally noted that security guards have no penises, a genetic mutation obtained by spending so much of their time being pussies. Conversely, in the rare "female" instance of the species, the penis can in fact be found somewhere under the folds of belly fat just above the kidneys.
Some researchers believe that these genetic differences stem from a missing chromosome, sort of like Downs Syndrome, but more retarded, less funny and with less of a propensity to randomly hug you when you walk past them.