Secret Santa
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“Oh great, a giftset from Bath & Body Works--my Secret Santa knows me so well!”
~ Oscar Wilde on a typical Secret Santa gift.
Secret Santa is the bastard younger brother of Santa Claus. He was kept in the attic of the Claus home by his parents, Ike and Mamie Eisenhower, for most of his life, venturing out only for the occasional snack or prostitute. For Christmas, throughout his miserable life, he received only one present each year, from an anonymous member of his family. For this reason, we exchange presents every year anonymously with people from work or school that we really don't like, just because it's "that time of the year."
[edit] Timeline
- December 26, 1972: Secret Santa Claus is born.
- February 19, 1982: Secret Santa is allowed out of the attic for the first time in his life, though he quickly returns because it was just so damned cold outside.
- March 10, 1985: He walks to 7-11 to buy a 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew and three packs of orange-flavored Pop Rocks.
- May 30, 1994: He earns a bachelor's degree in hospitality management from the University of Central Florida.
- January 4, 2000: Busted for insider trading and poaching the endangered white elephant.
- November 7, 2000: Kept from voting for himself in the 2000 presidential election since he was a felon.
[edit] Sightings
As little photographic proof does exist, there are other alleged sittings of Secret santa.
