Secret Invasion

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“It's no longer a secret”
~ Captain Obvious on Secret Invasion
“It's still a secret”
~ Super Gay Fag on Still Completly Secret Invasion

Secret Invasion is a comic book series by Marvel Comics that tries to top the Infinite Crisis series by DC because Civil War didn't do so well. Rather than retcon comic book history as DC did, Marvel decided to say that certain history was done by Skrull impostors and the real super heroes were held hostage on some Skrull planet for the past 30 years or so while they were replaced with shapeshifting Skrulls. Strangely enough, no big time heroes are revealed to be skrulls, so this crossover is another waste of time. Gee, thanks, Marvel.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Secret Invasion.

edit Background

Going as far back as Fantastic Four #2 people on Earth were replaced with Skrulls that could shift shape to look and sound like them and duplicate their powers if they had any. This happened in the 1960's as a backstory by Stan Lee but he got distracted and created the X-Men and Spider-Man and Avengers comic books and forgot about it. Then in the 1990's Stan Lee was fired by Marvel Comics and he went independent and tried creating his own comic book companies with new characters. Forming a company with a man named Peter Paul who got support and money from Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton Stan Lee created a new company only to find out that the Clintons would screw Stan and Peter later even though Stan Lee swears that Hillary Clinton was involved with his company the Clintons deny knowledge of Peter Paul or Stan Lee's company or the fact that they ruined that company politically and financially. Frustrated, Stan Lee accused the Clintons of being Skrulls, but that gave Brian Michael Bendis an idea for a new comic book series with Marvel, Secret Invasion in which super heroes and even political leaders got replaced with Skrulls. Bendis started with reading the Skrull/Kree war and found the various clues that Stan Lee had planted but never developed on with a crossover miniseries yet. So the New Avengers title and other titles like the New Avengers Illuminati title planted the seeds for a Skrully Secret Invasion to take place. First came House of M, and then No More Mutants, and then Civil War, and then finally Secret Invasion.

edit The Story


Tony Stark got pwned by his butler Jarvis who is a skrull


Modern 21st century superheroes meet the 1970's superheroes, but which of them are skrulls?

Heroes from the 1970's and 1980's came out of a Skrull transport ship after crash landing on Earth in the savage land in Antarctica. The New Avengers and Iron Man's Avengers went there to investigate it. They get into a fight, but then Luke Cage opens up the ship door and sets off a trigger alarm. Dum Dum Dunagan of SHIELD sets off booby traps on the SWORD Station, Tony Stark's butler Jarvis uploads an alien virus to Tony Stark's Iron Man armor, Stark Industries world wide locations, the SHIELD Helicarrier, and many prisons holding super powered heroes and villains, Captain Mar-Vell attacks the Thunderbolt's base, The Invisible Woman walks into the Baxter Building and sets off the Negative Zone portal and sucks most of the building into it, and Reed Richard's Mr. Fantastic and Hank Pym Yellowjacket are examining the body of a Skrull that posed as Elektra but got killed and reverted back to Skrull form, and Hank shoots Reed with a gun that twists Reed's face into many parts. All of which say "He loves you!" before acting out. But out of the Skrull ship come the super heroes that went to investigate the crashed ship, but who is who and who are the skrulls pretending to be superheroes? Following the attacks are an armada of Skrull ships ready for battle and thus the secret invasion starts.

A lot of hero kids are killed at the end of issue 2 and Avenger Hawkeye sees his wife is on the dropped ship of heroes, and says she is the real one, she knows something from his past, but in issue 3, Nick Fury pops out of hiding with a lot of kids, and frees the people that were killed last issue. Surprise, they aren't dead at all! Issue 3 has Spider-Woman, a superheroine that was liked in the 70s and even had her own cartoon, but faded to obscurity and was brought back to immense popularity, revealed to be a skrull. She tells Iron Man he's always been a skrull, also. Black Widow, a spy that is not a skrull but still has green eyes, finds her and Iron Man. Spider-WomanSkrull jumps away after Black Widow Buddha-Buddhas her away with a machine gun, but Wolverine walks in. Widow asks the hirsute X-Man what a silly codeword is and he knows it. Somehow this codeword is a-okay, even though in issue 4 Mr. Fantastic is freed and builds a huge gun that can shoot skrull-revealing rays and not kill anyone. All of the crashed heroes are revealed to be skurlls, not a change in Marvel's poor characterization after all, including Hawkeye's wife. Widow gives him a gun and he shoots her and then he says, hey, come on, let's kill all those skrulls!

edit The List of known Skrulls


Hank Pym was a Skrull, he used a Skrull gun on Reed Richards and messed him up.

Hank Pym aka Yellowjacket actually had died in the Initiative but was replaced with a Skrull known as the Hulkling, but then replaced with another Skrull. This Skrull was initially a female named Criti-Noll who posed as a young coed. Giving into his carnal inhibitions, Pym was about to fuck the Skrull doggystyle but instead was flattened when he accidentally ticked the Skrull off. This infiltrated the Avengers and was responsible for starting the 50 State Initiative. It was recently revealed the Noll is actually replaced by a Skrull every time Pym's human personality becomes more dominant and takes over which in turns jeopardizes the Skrull invasion. The first female Skrull to replace Pym was eventually replaced by a male replacement. This assures us that Tigra is not a lesbian and did not have sex with a female alien when "Pym" was having a relationship with her, thus ensuring her 100% heterosexuality. Whether or not she still has sex parties with other superheroines is another issue for a different article. The Skrull military uses it as a safety precaution to control its sleeper agents and preventing them from going rogue. Dum Dum Dunagan was killed and replaced with a Skrull. A Skrull had been impersonating Ms. Marvel but the real Ms. Marvel found out about it, only to see a 1970's Ms. Marvel walk off a Skrull ship, not sure which one is a Skrull yet. Elektra was a Skrull because when Echo killed her she reverted to Skrull form but was actually a male skrull locked in female form when it shapeshifted. This skrull, Pagon, was actually the lover of the Skrull Queen Veranke who was impersonating Jessica Drew/Spider-Woman and they shared a psuedo-lesbian moment when the two kissed while disguised in their human forms as Elektra and Jessica Drew. Somehow the Invisible Woman was replaced with a Skrull. A Captain Mar-Vell Skrull attacks the Thunderbolts. Jarvis the butler of the Avengers was replaced with a Skrull and nobody noticed. Dr. Doom was replaced with a Skrull in Marvel Adventures. Spider-Woman at least one of them, is the Skrull Empress. Igloo was replaced by a skrull at an unknown time supposedly before he join the 'Gulf Coast Avengers'.

Later it was revealed that George W. Bush and the entire Bush family, Tony Blair, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Ron Paul, and others were Skrulls. Saddam Hussein was not a Skrull but was eliminated because he was about to reveal the secret of the Skrulls and had nothing to do with 911 or had any WMDs.

It is believed that the "he loves you" slogan that Skrulls say before they turn on people is an actual reference to their leader, Oscar Wilde as the real Oscar Wilde had died and was replaced with a Skrull, and since Skrulls live 250+ years that explains how Oscar Wilde could live so long. It seems as if Uncyclopedia was created to distract people so they wouldn't figure out about the Skrull invasion. Captain Obvious was quoted as saying "Look to the left of you, now look to the right of you, two of you are Skrulls and one of you isn't." to Uncyclopedia users, in trying to reveal more spoilers and secrets, as well that <insert name here> is a Skrull as well and that is very obvious to everyone.

edit The ramifications


Nick Fury in cloaked mode using a Skrull detector and translator, ready to kick some Skrull butt

Some organizations and agencies will no longer exist after Secret Invasion. A possible list of them are as follows, the X-Men, the Avengers, Stark Technologies, SHIELD, SWORD, The Fantastic Four, X-Factor, X-Calibur, X-Force, The Defenders, and the Thunderbolts. Many super heroes will be killed, replaced, lose their powers, or be forever changed in some way.

Nick Fury returns, the real Nick Fury is not the Skrull pretending to be Nick Fury since the 1960's. The real Nick Fury ends up looking like Samuel L. Jackson with an eye patch, because he can't have a publicly known face, and kept himself young since World War II by using the Infinity Formula so he looks like he is in his early twenties. Since the real Nick Fury was replaced,Tony Stark took over S.H.I.E.L.D. and converted everything to Microsoft Windows, which the Skrulls infected with a virus and the Iron Man armor. Captain America Nick's favorite friend and poker partner, got killed, and then replaced with a brainwashed version of Bucky, Capt's sidekick, and a clone that Red Skull made of Steve Roger's DNA to tarnish his image. Nick Fury teams up with the Young Avengers, who nobody cares about, so he knows no Skrull would replace them, and kicks Tony Stark's butt for drinking the last Pepsi and farting in Nick's chair and getting Captain American killed on his watch and getting all important systems infected with a Skrull Virus (Nick says to Tony, he should have used Macs or Linux). Then Nick Fury uses his cloaking device in his watch to Spy on Skrulls and use a high tech Skrull detector, disguised as a Palm Pilot that can translate their language to figure out who is a Skrull and take them out, free up the human prisoners, and set things right in the world.

Anyway Nick Fury said "Infinite Crisis? What Infinite Crisis? I went out to buy a new box of cigars and some Skrull takes over for me, then even worse, Tony Stark takes over and does more damage than the Skrull did." Then after kicking everyone's butt, Nick Fury lights up a cigar, and tells everyone that he is in charge, and will be approving people for new super teams, and all old super teams are now null and void. The new teams will be Black Moon, MARS (Mutants Armaments Research and Security), NF Inc. (Nick Fury, Inc.), The Council of the Twelve, The Elected Ones, The Protectors, The Psiwrens, and The Rejects lead by Captain Obvious that nobody else wants on their team. No more X-Men, Avengers, Defenders, Fantastic Four, S.H.I.E.L.D., etc. If anyone doesn't like that, they can report to Captain Obvious in The Rejects and be his comic relief sidekick.

At the conclusion of the event, Tony Stark runs away and Harry Osborn, alias Green Goblin or to put it bluntly the guy responsible for the godawful Spiderman Clone Saga, who saves the current President of the United States at the time (George W. Bush)from the Skrull invasion. Bush balks at Stark's cowardice, removes from Tony Stark's position as Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and rewards Osborn with the title of new agency director in one of the most asinine and damaging moves in the last days of his Presidency. Osborn's reign as director is informally referred to as a "Dark Reign" to you the reader of this article and hundreds of thousands of Marvel Zombies that actually religiously buy their comics instead of downloading them for free on the Internet. However the denizens of the Marvel Universe don't know that because it would be an example of breaking the fourth wall and only Wade Wilson alias Deadpool(TM) can break the Fourth Wall (TM) bitch. Osborn declares the Thunderbolts Initiative to replace the Avengers Initiative and creates a brand new related organization called H.A.M.M.E.R. He reforms the Thunderbolts with a brand new team and using his Green Goblin persona hunts newly elected President of the Marvel Universe Barrack Obama after he takes over the Oval Office. He recruits his own secret cabal of super-villains (and villainesses) consisting of Vincent Von Doom alias the Doctor, Namor alias The Submariner, Emma Frost alias The White Queen, god/goddess Loki alias the Transexual She-Male, and Parker Robbins alias The Hood. He also abolishes the Mighty Avengers team as the official government sponsored group of Avengers informally known as the "Dark Avengers" consisting of Marvel Boy, The Sentry, a Hawkeye impersonator, a Wolverine impersonator, a Ms. Marvel impersonator, a Spider-Man impersonator, the god Ares, and a mysterious character costumed in Startech Armor only known as the Iron Patriot. All of this has been personally approved by Editor in Chief Joe Quesada after constant bitching and moaning from creator Brian Michael Bendis who is a big spoiled baby and gets to write 3 brand new titles in the 616 Marvel Universe creatively stifling the rest of the company's employed artists, writers, and editors with his Iron facistic rule as the New England Iron Patriot.

edit See Also

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