The Second Coming Project
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Part of a series of articles on|
“What do I care? I'm Jewish!”
“Hey! When Confucius turn?”
“Wait... Aren't I your God?”
edit The Second Coming Project
For two-thousand years now, followers of Jesus Christ have patiently awaited the fabled 'Second Coming.' However, one elite group has stopped just waiting around, and taken the course of history into their own hands.
edit Formation and Early Years
In 1964, a Harvard Scientist named Jason Britman, after a careful reading of the New Testament, reached the conclusion that the Lord helps they who help themselves. He decided that Jesus' second coming would not come to pass without a human catalyst of some sort. He spent the next seven years writing his book on the subject, "Jesus Reborn," in which he chronicled efforts of mankind that led to Jesus' birth, and admonishing that the second coming could never occur until the righteous faithful made it occur. He advocated the use of the new technology of cloning, which he called 'God's gift to mankind that he may be reborn, just as God gave mankind sex to promote his lineage in the first place.' The book met with scathing reviews in the Christian community, and Britman was denounced as a heretic. Even so, he developed quite a following, and in 1973, The Second Coming Project was formed. Top Britmanist scientists extracted what they were 'just positive' was Christ's DNA from the Shroud of Turin, and the long process began. For years they struggled, but the closest they ever got was a guy named James Critio, who, while a skilled carpenter, was lacking in the soul-saving department. The initial Second Coming Project was disbanded in 1986 after Britman's death from a Tomahawk wound.
edit First Reinventions
Flash forward four more years. While Britman's original dream had fizzled, his ideology lived on, and the Second Second Coming Project was formed. The 'NeoBritmanists,' as they were called, decided that cloning was too insecure a science, and relied instead on the magic of robotics. The Second Second Coming Project led to the activation of Robot Jesus, but the NeoBritmanists rejected him when he proved only interested in saving the souls of other robots. The Third Second Coming Project, in 1992, tried to integrate the technologies of the previous two attempts and created Cyborg Jesus, but his radical teachings of 'Convert or Be Assimilated' never really caught on. After only three months, Cyborg Jesus accidentally crucified himself by his own robotic framework. According to his own prophesies, he is due for resurrection sometime in 2024.
edit Later Reinventions
Four more Second Coming Projects were started throughout the 90's:
The Fourth Second Coming Project (1993): Lizard Jesus
The Fifth Second Coming Project (1995): Marshmallow Jesus
The Sixth Second Coming Project (1997): 007 Jesus
The Seventh Second Coming Project (1999): Computer Program Jesus
The last four Jesii decided they should collaborate their teachings, and currently operate their joint 'NeoneoneoneoBritmanist through NeoneoneoneoneoneoneoBritmanist' religion out of an office in Los Angeles. In 2001, the Eighth Second Coming Project decided to take a different route, and began to work on bringing about the second coming of Mohammed. They did this by praying really hard that Mohammed would come back. Apparently, Allah really heard them, because the prophet himself stood among them within twelve seconds, making this to date the shortest Second Coming Project ever. Mohammed dwelt with us for only a few days, however, returning again to heaven after leaving us with a commandment to form the Ninth Second Coming Project, the result of which was Robot Buddha.
edit Non-official Spinoffs
In 1973, a group calling themselves the 'Second Coming through Necromancy Project' tried to use their Satanic powers to create Zombie Jesus. Satan was not amused. Because of their Satanic affiliations and lack of ties to Britman, they are not considered part of the official Second Coming Project.