Sebastian Vettel

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Sebastian in action at the 2012 German Grand Prix.

Sebastian Vettel (born 3 July 1987) is a famous F1 driver who is currently world champion. He races for the Red Bull team and drinks a lot of fizzy drink to pump himself full of gas for every race. Despite looking 19, Vettel is in fact 15.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sebastian Vettel.

Known to everyone in the motor racing world as 'the AcneNoid' for his youthful and robotic method of winning races, the German-born Vettel is said to be a natural joker. That is why he is driving for teams that flog expensively priced bubbles to petrol heads who want to 'drink what he's having'.

edit Talent Spotted

Sebastian's capacity for a lot of Coca-Cola got him a drive with the Red Bull's Italian nursery outfit Toro Rosso. The young Vettel looked so young that he was often prevented from racing until he could produce his birth certificate and demonstrate that he was wearing underwear rather than a nappy. This didn't faze Vettel and he went on to win a Grand Prix with them in Italy. Vettel's unexpected win at the 2008 Italian Grand Prix led the media to dub him the "Baby Justin Bieber", "Run Lola Run", but Vettel played down the comparison stating he wanted to be the "New Four Gay driver" (possibly a mistranslation when he meant 4G Phone user). Vettel also likes to give his cars names. So over the years he has driven in the Justin (2008), Kool Kaffeine (2009), Fernando Alonso's Dirty Sister (2010), Lady Gaga's Bra (2011) and Nikki Sixx (2012). For 2013 Sebastian is hoping to drive in the Gigalo (2013), more a statement of intent than physically likely.

edit Champion 2010-2011-2012

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Justin Vettel and Sebastian Bieber...er..wait...

Vettel is on course to beat Michael Schumacher's record. He won the World Champion title three times in succession and is now the richest German kid in history. Sebastian is still hopeless with women. Trying to use his racing style (flat out and no pit stops) hasn't brought him success with any glamour puss so far. Vettel's rival Lewis Hamilton has a Pussycat Doll but Sebastian may have to stick with the kind of girl you need to pump up in a garage with a hose to satisfy off-circuit necessities.

On the race track Sebastian Vettel has been involved in various incidents. He has a communication problem with his co-driver Mark Webber but then so does everyone else when the Aussie goes into full Bondi Beach Surfer mode. The Red Bull team principal Christian Horner has had to find novel ways of keeping his number one driver fully focused. He keeps Vettel tied up in the back of the garage on race days and only lets him out when it is time to join the grid.

edit Future

Since the idea of one driver winning everything tends to lose audiences overtime, for the 2013 Formula One season, Sebastian Vettel will be contractually obliged to start in the pit lane with a ten second penalty. He will also have to drive on a set of used tyres and sit in a seat designed for a much taller driver. With those handicaps, the Formula One bosses hope to even up the odds for everyone else. He'll still fucking win, though.

edit See Also

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