Seattle Seahawks

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The Seattle Seahawks' Current Logo

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Seattle Seahawks.

The Seattle Seahawks are a professional American football team based somewhere in the nether regions of the United States. They are currently members of the Western Division of the National Football Conference (NFC) in the National Football League (NFL). They were relevant at one point in time, but they have since faded away into the depths of obscurity (read mediocrity).

edit Conception

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Seventies' Seattle not caring about the Seahawks

One day in the seventies, the NFL decided that it was lacking in teams. Their remedy to the predicament was to create two new teams. Instead of placing these teams in relevant cities, they decided to award the cities of Seattle and Tampa Bay with them. Out of this decision, the Seattle Seahawks and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came into existence in 1976. The cities' people did not care.

edit Early History

Due to the citizens' not caring, the Seattle Seahawks were irrelevant for nearly thirty years. The only notable happening in the franchise's early years was Steve Largent, notable for being the only talented white wide receiver post-civil rights movement. He has since entered the Hall of Fame, and provides white people hope to this day.

edit Their One Successful Year

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The Walrus at a press conference

The Seattle Seahawks finally decided to be significant in 2005, the year in which they made their first and only Super Bowl appearance. They won thirteen games, and managed to set the record for most points scored in a single season (a record that now belongs to the New England Patriots). They also set a team record: they hired their first walrus at head coach. Their key players were running back Shaun Alexander, and a bald guy at quarterback. Under theirs and the walrus's leadership, they reached Super Bowl XL.

edit Super Bowl XL

They faced the combined forces of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the NFL Zebras in Super Bowl XL. Despite the fact that the Seahawks initially won the game, an anomaly brought about by the Zebras led to a Steelers victory. Somehow the aforementioned anomaly provided the Zebras with magical powers, with which they turned a goal-line stand into a Steelers' touchdown. Furthermore, they used their arcane ability to perform a vanishing act on a Seahawks' touchdown. Footage even shows them summoning phantom pass interference calls against the Seahawks. The final score was 21-10 Steelers/Zebras.


edit Super Bowl XLVIII

The Seattle Seahawks decided to be significant again in 2013. They faced Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos. Peyton had yet another choke, fumbling within just 12 seconds of kickoff. The Seahawks actually won, and it counted in the standings. The NFL Zebras were actually correct for the first time ever (gasp!).

edit 2014 Season

After the Seahawks gained tons of "fans", they came out in 2014 looking to win the Super Bowl again. They shut down the other offenses en route to a 12-4 record and the #1 seed in the NFC. After beating Carolina in their 1st playoff game, the Fudge Packers came to town. They beat up on the Seahawks, as the Seahawks were shut out at halftime. But, somehow, the Seahawks won. The Packers kicked an onside kick, and it was recovered by Brandon "Butterfingers" Bostick. Butterfingers did his favorite move, which was to fumble the football. That set up a Seahawks win, and they went to Super Bowl XLIX.

edit Super Bowl XLIX

The Seahawks faced off against the New England Deflators. The Patriots took an early lead. Then the Seahawks came alive in the 2nd quarter, tying the score at 14 at halftime. The Seahawks shut out the Patriots in the 3rd quarter, while making the score 24-14. The score remained the same until Tom Brady threw a touchdown to Julian Edelman, making the score 24-21 Seahawks. WR Doug Baldwin also mooned the crowd after his touchdown catch to make the score 24-14. The Patriots later took the lead when Brady threw another touchdown to make the score 28-24 Patriots. The Patriots kicked off, and Seattle got it at the 20. The Seahawks drove down to the 1, partially due to an awesome play by WR Jermaine Kearse which put the Seahawks at the Patriots 5 with 65 seconds left in regulation. Marshawn Lynch ran it down to the Patriots 1. On 2nd and Goal, Darnell "Braindead" Bevell decided to make Russell Wilson throw the ball to WR Richardo Lockette instead of handing it off to All-Pro RB Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch. CB Malcolm Brown decided to drive the Northwest (and one kid who had a massive bet in Central Ohio) insane by picking off Russell Wilson. Some crazy Seahawks fan destroyed his TV, and it went viral. Lesser known, a kid in Central Ohio had to ask out his French teacher, putting him in a state of depression.

edit See also


 National Football League 
AFC East North South West
Buffalo Bills Baltimore Ravens Houston TexansHouston Texans Denver Broncos
Miami DolphinsMiami Dolphins Cincinnati Bengals Indianapolis Colts Kansas City ChiefsKansas City Chiefs
New England Patriots Cleveland Browns Jacksonville JaguarsJacksonville Jaguars Oakland RaidersOakland Raiders
New York Jets Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee TitansTennessee Titans San Diego ChargersSan Diego Chargers
NFC East North South West
Dallas Cowboys Chicago Bears Atlanta FalconsAtlanta Falcons Arizona Cardinals
New York GiantsNew York Giants Detroit Lions Carolina PanthersCarolina Panthers St. Louis RamsSt. Louis Rams
Philadelphia Eagles Green Bay Packers New Orleans SaintsNew Orleans Saints San Francisco 49ersSan Francisco 49ers
Washington RedskinsWashington Redskins Minnesota Vikings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Seattle Seahawks
Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher
Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football
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