Seattle Seahawks

The Seattle Seahawks' Current Logo

The Seattle Seahawks are a professional American football team based somewhere in the nether regions of the United States. They are currently members of the Western Division of the National Football Conference (NFC) in the National Football League (NFL). They were relevant at one point in time, but they have since faded away into the depths of obscurity (read mediocrity).

Conception

Seventies' Seattle not caring about the Seahawks

One day in the seventies, the NFL decided that it was lacking in teams. Their remedy to the predicament was to create two new teams. Instead of placing these teams in relevant cities, they decided to award the cities of Seattle and Tampa Bay with them. Out of this decision, the Seattle Seahawks and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came into existence in 1976. The cities' people did not care.

Early History

Due to the citizens' not caring, the Seattle Seahawks were irrelevant for nearly thirty years. The only notable happening in the franchise's early years was Steve Largent, notable for being the only talented white wide receiver post-civil rights movement. He has since entered the Hall of Fame, and provides white people hope to this day.

Their One Successful Year

The Walrus at a press conference

The Seattle Seahawks finally decided to be significant in 2005, the year in which they made their first and only Super Bowl appearance. They won thirteen games, and managed to set the record for most points scored in a single season (a record that now belongs to the New England Patriots). They also set a team record: they hired their first walrus at head coach. Their key players were running back Shaun Alexander, and a bald guy at quarterback. Under theirs and the walrus's leadership, they reached Super Bowl XL.

Super Bowl XL

They faced the combined forces of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the NFL Zebras in Super Bowl XL. Despite the fact that the Seahawks initially won the game, an anomaly brought about by the Zebras led to a Steelers victory. Somehow the aforementioned anomaly provided the Zebras with magical powers, with which they turned a goal-line stand into a Steelers' touchdown. Furthermore, they used their arcane ability to perform a vanishing act on a Seahawks' touchdown. Footage even shows them summoning phantom pass interference calls against the Seahawks. The final score was 21-10 Steelers/Zebras.

Current Team

The Walrus and the bald guy have since left the Seahawks. These departures ultimately led to the team's hiatus in 2010. A mysterious team bearing their name, apparently a Division III college team, has taken their place in the NFL. The date of the real team's return is uncertain, as they have pinned their hopes on fad quarterback Russell Wilson and a read-option offense that every defensive coordinator will figure out before the 2013 regular season begins.

The "Twelfth Man"

Most of the Seahaws' 12 fans are inbred residents of area trailer parks. They, and their collective 12 teeth, are referred to as the team's "Twelfth Man." While Seattle prides itself on having a 12th man, the team plays with 10.5 men, as Richard Sherman is half man and half coke-addled muppet.

Tarvaris Jackson

The hiatus was originally unannounced, and fans knew nothing about it until 2011. However, fans noticed a slight peculiarity about the quarterback -- he had hair. Recently found evidence claims that his name is Tarvaris Jackson, and that he was mistaken for an NFL quarterback by the new team's management. He was released in June of 2012 and the the Buffalo Losers signed him.

See also

• Football
• Mediocracy
• The Walrus