Washington State
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Washington: The Evergreen State | |
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| State Flower: | Evergreen Tree, Mildew |
| Official Languages: | English, Canadian |
| State Bird: | American Goldfinch |
| State Fish: | Salmon |
| State Motto: | "We have Starbucks!" |
| Nickname: | Oregon's cousin |
| Currency: | Coffee beans |
| Principal Imports: | Coffee |
| Principal Exports: | Asians |
| Climate: | Humid, cold and rain to arid, hot and dead |
| AKA: | The only state in the U.S. that has the word "state" in the title because people are too stupid to call Washington D.C. Washington D.C. or just D.C. |
 This Article Is Endorsed By Marlon BrandoI may be called biggus twaticus, but I know what I like, and I like this ~ Marlon
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“Damn, people in Washington look like Washington!”
~ New Yorker on people in Washington
“No, the tourists look like Washington - Washington dollars that is!”
~ people in Washington on the above remark
“Coffee, rain, and hippies. This must be Western Washington.”
~ Oscar Wilde on crashing his spaceship in seattle
“In Western Washington, coolness is determined by how much coffee jargon you know. Who cares what "venti" means.”
~ George Washington on Washington
The state of Washington (also known as "Rainland") is home to many creatures, not limited to the yuppie, Teh Metal, and the dead possum. The yuppie's natural habitat is the main streets of the city of Seattle, which is also known to contain the second largest homosexual population in the entire United States, surpassed only by San Francisco. It has been determined that Washington is the only state in the union that smells like Penny Royal tea. As a result, the entire population is made up of pig eaters. Washington is reputed to constitute that feeling in between happiness and nervousness, perhaps due to the excessive consumption of Starbucks Coffee.
Due to the state's name, which suggests that a ton of washing occurs there, Washington has an exaggerated perception of excessive cleanliness. However, scientific reports are yet to verify this fact. Several studies report findings of actual mud, grime, and smog in Washington State, but only in the wealthy neighborhoods. Everywhere else, the rule of "Wash behind your ears!" is still closely observed... or so the children claim.
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[edit] Geography
Washington is an amazing state, which is rainy 100% of the year in the west and 0% in the east, which may not appeal to most tourists, but has ensured it as a music mecca and a hippie haven. Unfortunately, Washington is right on the edge of the United States and is slowly sinking into the mud and will be, by the year 2068, completely submerged. Basically Washington rocks hardcore.
[edit] Mt. Rainier
That tall white thing. Governor Edward (Curly-haired mushmouth)Vedder resides and makes sacrifices on Mt. Rainier. A few years ago, he made a helicopter fall out of the sky while trying to loudly recall the Fable of Jeremy to his mountain goat companions. The crash killed a few hikers, but this has not deterred people from hiking. According to a 2004 report, there are still about eight million hikers in the state of Washington.
[edit] Starbucks
[edit] Tully's
Also originating from Washington, Tully's is drank by no one because Starbucks took over Washington.
[edit] Government
The capitol of Washington is located in the city of Buzzoville. The state is led by the benevolent king Buzzo, an insane Night Goat whose sole purpose is to make money and enslave humanity. As of April of 2007, Buzzo (also known as Billy Fish) has forced all humans to leave their homes and start new lives in (A) Senile Animal County. This was done to make room for more Night Goats to begin living in the rest of the state, so they can code new versions of awesomeness.
[edit] Seattle
The city of Seattle consists almost entirely of coffee shops, yuppies, and techies. Tagging road signs is a popular sport among teens. There are a large variety of species in the Coffee shop family, of which the most thriving and dominate is Starbuckius Coffeeshoppian, the common name of "Starbucks." There are a number of other attractions in Seattle, including Jedis, Krispy Kreme Donuts and Dingoes, not to mention the occasional Asian. A significant landmark is the Space Needle, but nobody ever goes there due to fear of heights.
[edit] South Seattle
This is the bad side of Seattle. East LA. Gangsta's took over this region in 1987 and it is commonly known as Washinton's Compton. The 32 Zombie War was fought here in 2002. Chuck Norris was namned general of the Washington Army and he counter attacked the Zombies. Once he killed them all, he ate them for breakfeast and then Chuck Norris got Abducted by aliens.
[edit] Seattle's East Side - Mercer Island, Issaquah and Kirkland
On the eastern shore of Lake Boeing (formerly Lake Jar of Flies) resides the independent Kingdom of the East Side. Kirkland is the capitol with Bellevue (sorta turned into Everett in 2028 after the Bellevue Square Mall closed) and Mercer Island as the outlying areas. The East Side is the only place in the state that has not been overtaken by dictator Bill Gates. In the Paul Allen vs. Microsoft War of 2021 Paul Allen, the Seahawks and whatever the fuck else he owns were driven across the lake to Seattle's east side. In a defiant last stand, Paul Allen stole the Space Needle and brought it to Kirkland. This damaged Seattle by taking it off those quirky little tourist maps that show shit like the St. Louis Arch and the Statue of the French Feeling Guilty so Here's a Present.
The hover bridges (which replaced the 520 and I-90 floating bridges in 2017 when Boeing declared itself the Washington State Department of Transportation) were ordered to be destroyed immediately by dictator Bill Gates. This cut off the East Side from Seattle's trendy co-ops. So Paul searched high and low for an even more trendy version of a co-op. This came in the form of a Whole Foods market. Unfortunately, the side affect to the extreme trendyness was the prices and it soon shot the East Side into the economic recession of 2024. Paul quickly found a solution by farming students at the University of Washington which applied for ivy league status in 2010.
Today the East Side is a near utopia. Tax breaks are given for those who buy houses in housing developments where houses start at 1.5 million for a view of a Fred Meyers and 1.8 million for a view of a boutique shopping mall. Tax breaks are also given to those who drive their kids to soccer or lacrosse practice (football and baseball not being nearly trendy enough) in a Lexus or Infiniti. In the year 2063, people started moving away from the East Side to Issaquah because the socialist regime of the band MODEST MOUSE promised a new Starbucks superstore. This resulted in the severe depopulation of the East Side.
Paul (now half cyborg) launched an invasion of Issaquah. Issaquah fell quickly but Modest Mouse's imperial guard fled to the shitty ski area known as Snoqualmie Pass. There an epic battle took place, but luckily Paul ordered his pet lake monster to kill shit and they won. With the victory of the Issaquah Salmon Days War as it later became known, the East Side annexed Issaquah and Snoqualmie pass. Today the East Side is extremely peace-loving and still a near utopian society. Unfortunately, today Bill Gates the fifth is still upholding the embargo on the east side JFK-style. Therefore, no other Washingtonians will be able to see this wonderful society.
[edit] Smaller (and Unimportant) Cities
[edit] Battleground
Battleground is a city in southern Washington that is best known for pit bull fights, meth labs and gangs. Ironically, no battle ever took place in Battleground, unless you count the daily battle between its residents and their soul-crushing depression of living there. Battleground is a popular destination for people from Portland, who wish to go slumming for a day or enjoy an underground pit bull fight. Battleground is also a popular place for local news programs looking to spice up their late-night broadcast. Nothing gets the ratings like "double homicide uncovers meth lab that results in a four alarm fire; middle schools are still being screened for suspects." The city of Battleground used to be known as "Yakima". On July 3, the FBI found a hole bunch of automatic guns from a meth bust in this region
[edit] Yakima
Yakima is home to the Yaks and is commonly known as the Battleground. Some may argue that the battleground is in Vancouver Washington not to be confused with the Canadian version of Vancouver.
[edit] Duvall (Does It Exist?)
Sure, you hear the local news talk about the city, but have you ever been there? Everybody hears about Duvall, but there is no first-hand experience of seeing it. The truth is that it is all a government conspiracy. Congress and former Washington governor Gary Locke are trying to hide the truth. What is the truth? Teams of investigators still have not discovered it. If friends have been trying to convince you that it exists with pictures and stories of relatives, do not trust them! They were brainwashed by the government! You can believe what you want to believe, but there is no Duvall. It is just a cooperation between the Soviet government and Planet X to conduct testing on Asian tourists.
[edit] Puyallup
This town has the distinction of being the location of one of the biggest events in the state - the September Fairgrounds. People line up in their cars, waiting 4 hours in traffic jams and 2 hours in line for tickets just to enter. The roller coaster ride is not as large as those in California or Florida, but it suits the residents of Washington State just fine. Senior citizens who dislike roller coasters, and children under the height limit, love wandering through buildings to see the rabbits, quilting and fruit exhibits. Adults and teens alike find this the perfect place to waste hard-earned money on tacky souvenirs, stuffed toys and/or junk food, and to blow their eardrums out at rock concerts held at the grandstand. If you are especially lucky, you may find yourself with an allergic reaction after wandering through one of the animal barns or while attending a rodeo. The skyride, which lifts you from one end of the fair to the other, is especially recommended to those with fear of heights. The most fun part of the fair is finding your way back to your vehicle to go home, wandering through rows and rows of cars, SUVs, and Minivans... wouldn't you know it, your little mini-compact happened to be located between 2 SUVs. Real easy to spot that way. Now wasn't that fun.... let's do it again next year and blow another full paycheck.
[edit] Sequim
Sequim is a little farm town in northern Washington that is permanently perfumed with the overpowering scent of lavender. All the residents there are also lavender-scented. They make money off unsuspecting tourists by selling products like lavender soap, lavender bath salts, lavender hand and body lotion, lavender honey, lavender sugar, lavender incense, lavender baskets, lavender pillows, lavender paper, lavender powder, and more lavender. During the off-season, the residents gather lavender and go crab fishing. Yeah, the city should probably be renamed.
[edit] Port Townsend
Port Townsend is a small victorian seaport town with too many cops on the Olympic Peninsula that was once a chaotic maelstrom of sailors, prostitution and debauchery. PT was actually the designated location for what became Seattle, but the men in charge were scared off by the crazed alcoholic injun chief Chetzamoka, who then built a park in his own honor and set a curse on all white men who came across the town to be trapped there indefinately. The Moldy Peaches have since been the only ones unaffected by it, probably due to Kimya's racial makeup. Today the town is a strange, stagnant brew of retirees, retarded jumprope craftsmen, hippies, general oddfolk and members of Modest Mouse spread out amongst the victorian houses and art galleries. Locals are known to assault would-be tourists with locally grown produce, exept in the outlying rural areas, where they are generally shot by tweakers. Three forts are constructed around the bay to take out cruise liners. The town gets most of its revenue from the spoils gathered from the said slain tourists.
[edit] Spokane
The city of Spokane (Russian Споканск, Spokansk), is a typical dingy Eastern European city with ugly retro-modern buildings, a whole lot of whites, drug addicts, hair tacos, bums with long hair and guitars, rundown infrastructure, gang activity, and a booming economy. Chuck Norris also owns a house in Spokane, which he claims to be his favorite due Mr. T's inability to access this primarily white city. Most Spokane citizens hate Starbucks, because Starbucks stole the fame away from eastern Washington. It is widely reported that many Spokane citizens have nuclear weapons which they may or may not use to attack Starbucks.
[edit] Tacoma
Tacoma was founded in 1880, simply because it happen to be the end of a railroad. As a result, the city was largely settled by hobos and hookers. After a few decades of enduring the horribly high brain-stunting pollution levels, most of the citizens who weren't retarded left. Shortly thereafter, Tacoma was revered as the state's most popular dump site, causing it to rival only Paris in stench. In recent years it has been said that the "Tacoma Aroma" not only smells like a mixture of burning rubber and Mexican body odor, but can cause advanced cases of colon cancer and rabies. This wasteland also has the largest cranes in western North America, primarily used for importing the vast amount of garbage it receives from China and Seattle. Never, under any condition, should one visit this city, for a crazed union of smelly bums and unscrupulous women tend to sodomize trespassers on sight. If you happen to find yourself in or around the area of Tacoma, please contact 1-800-HOW-TO-COPE-WITH-DEATH and have a nice chat before you expire painfully. It should be noted, however, that all the hobos and hookers in Tacoma are actually wannabe hobos and wannabe hookers that have been transferred from Seattle, because Seattle only accepts the real stuff. Also, almost 95% of the pollution in Tacoma is from Seattle because they LOVE dumping shit on Tacoma. Literally.
[edit] Walla Walla
Walla Walla sits at the southeastern tip of Washington Washington and is separated from the rest of society society on farmland farmland no one else likes to touch. This is why the state of Washington Washington sends all of its murderers, rapists, and pedophiles to the state penitentiary penitentiary, where some of them even meet their fate on the gurney gurney or in the gallows gallows. Another reason people never want to come here is because of the putrid onion onion smells that contaminate the air. Their wine wine also tastes like crap crap, assuming that people would have an idea of what crap tastes like.
[edit] Barely Notable and Very Unimportant Cities
[edit] Soap Lake
Soap Lake is the ultimate hick Eastern European town in Eastern Washington. It has a population of 30 illiterate people, and many visitors from Ukraine and Russia who know everything, and don't believe you know anything. They will teach and preach to you. Watch out for proselytizing pentecostal tracts, you'll get a few. There is one resident who single-handedly runs the school, inn, motel, library and post office. And there is another one who cooks for all the restaurants, acts, works ticket stands, and bags groceries at the Russian store. However, there is no one to run the police department; it is run by a puppet inside of a police car. It would give out parking tickets, if there was still room on your dashboard collection of pentecostal tracts, to place one.
[edit] Ephrata
A mere 20 minutes away from Soap Lake is Ephrata, the next step up from a hick town. They have a Walmart, which is situated next to a Dollar Store (one of two in the town). They also have a Mexican restaruant painted pink as a metaphor for the peptobismal you'll have to use after eating there. Ephrata's best kept secret is their airport, not that anyone would want to go there anyways. The main tourist attraction in Ephrata is the pawn shop. You can find loads of CDs, comics, movies, and swords. I bought Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back for $2.00!
[edit] Moses Lake
Moses Lake is the New York of Central Washington. It was named after a Native American Chief named Moses, who wasn't actually named Moses. However, White people can't pronounce Native American names, and one of them must have been Jewish, so they named him Moses. The main attractions of Moses Lake are a fountain, a Taco Bell (everyone loves tacos), another pawn shop, a movie theater (that no one goes to), a business that only sells blueberries, and a place where they might train pilots, but then again, no one gives a fuck about whether that's true.
[edit] Ellensburg
Ellensburg thinks it is the "Palm Springs" of Washington, when all actuality it is Yakima, Washington. Recently, libelous posts on Satanist website forums purport that Dan Haseltine, lead singer of Christian Pop Superstars Jars of Clay is from Ellensburg. Further, these lie-filled tirades maintain that Haseltine met pianist Charlie Lowell at a Trent Reznor and the Nine Inch Nails Columbia Gorge concert. These accusations have been firmly denied by both Washington authorities and band management.
[edit] Edmonds
Edmonds is the name of a large senior center just north of Seattle. It makes up most of Washington's old people and home schoolers. It was originally a gas dock for ships who forgot to buy fuel in Seattle, but is now mainly a workplace for seafood fry cooks and social security agents. Residents are known to fly off to Europe in search of their prophet Rick Steeves, known to regularly appear on their TV's and showing much better places to live.
[edit] Port Orchard
Across a small body of water which hosts the Pig Sound Ships, Port Orchard was declared a city in 1888 thanks to its over-abundance of T-1 ports and apple orchards. It is home to several amazing sights, including Olallaland, Man's Chest Hair (from which you can see the Space Needle), and the Hi-Joy. The Hi-Joy is used as a Bowling alley, restaurant, arcade, poker room, insane asylum, a theater (which only shows re-runs of Teletubbies and the Terminator), and a large sinkhole (thanks to your mom sitting in the enormous parking lot). It is rumored that a ghost named "Schmitty" lives there. He once bowled a 254 in 1995, according to a worker named Cheryl. Various people enter the building, but mostly everybody is from the Old Folks Home. The Hi-Joy is considered by locals to be the center of the gossip mill. Then there's the high school, where a policy of teachers molesting students once every one to three years is strictly enforced. [[1]] [[2]] There's also a pathetic excuse of a mall that hasn't had a customer in six years.
[edit] Notable (But Unimportant) Counties
[edit] Grays Harbor County
Grays Harbor county is well known for being one of the happiest regions in the hemisphere. Initially abandoned by the indigenous tribes due to the intense vortex of all habitable surroundings, they sold the region to the whites for a sum totaling in several billions of dollars. The white man in his superior happiness-cultivating skill reformed the area from a pristine but savage rain forest into several industrious and civilized logging mills, meth labs and other per capita income lowering institutions.
The town currently undergoing the most growth and urban renewal is the town of Aberdeen, home of child star Kurt Cobain and ruler of most of the 6th quadrant of the galaxy, Bryan Danielson (who also happens to be the best, but ugliest professional wrestler to have ever existed). The city council of Aberdeen recently revised their vote mandating the official count of teeth required to achieve 'sexy bitch status' be a maximum total of six, causing uproar among the neighboring towns. Westport has threatened a class action lawsuit and Montesano is currently considering sending in the national guard to quell an uprising from Aberdeen, fearing Aberdeen will soon attempt to steal the coveted position of county seat from them.
[edit] Island County
Island County consists of Whidbey Island, Camano Island, and Vancouver Island. The county is known for its unusually high population of Wookiees, especially on Whidbey Island where 1200 Wookiees are believed to reside. The county government is constantly struggling with local drug lords, who wish to sell meth and Coke and want to outlaw Pepsi. In order to maintain control of these drug lords, the county has increased control of the spaceship industry. Rumor even has it that they are now employing a certain Italian Mafia sect to help maintain control.
Along with its domestic trouble, Island County is currently attempting to form an alliance with Russia to take over the islands of San Juan County. This takeover would enable Island County to increase its total production levels and give it world-wide acclaim with what would be the greatest spaceship building industry.
A large majority of the industry is being completed on Vancouver Island. This island, once part of the Canadian Empire, is now controlled by Island County as a result of a short war. This war was started by a large rebellion of the citizens of Vancouver. The Island County Commissioner, McDowell, quickly called in the U.S. military to sever the Canadian Empire's supply lines. And with use of the U.S. naval air station on Whidbey Island, Canada's communications were disrupted, as well. Thus, Canada lost control of Vancouver, and Island County became part of Washington.
[edit] Tourism
People in Hanford are generally considered to be friendly, which combined with their pleasant green glow makes that city a popular spot for tourists and terrorists. There is an annual festival held every four months in Hanford that celebrates the city's usage of Microsoft Errrect1on as its official operating system. Other notable tourist spots are Battleground, Puyallup, and Sequim.
