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“In Soviet Russia, YOU change seasons!!”
“Winter is cold”
Winter, also known as Russia, or "SNOW TIME", occurs once a year, more often than not between autumn and spring. Although many people believe it is a secret weapon used by Nunavuttites to make the rest of the world as cold as it is, this theory usually is completely wrong and anyone who says this should be banished.
It is actually caused when Beth Ditto gets up to make her annual trip to the toilet. It takes almost 6 whole months fo her to get back into her appropriate orbit.
In various nordic regions of the planet, like Canada, Finland, Russia and Sweden, small white objects have the annoying tendency to fall from the sky, in replacement of rain. Many scientists have wondered if this rain-like substance is in any way related to the canadian rapper Snow. This affiliation has not yet been proven.
Facts About Winter
- Winter happens between November and February, not between December and February as some people like to think.
- Winter was also a part of the Winter War between Finland and Winter.
- Also infamous for the "New" all your base routine.
- It's a marshmallow world in the winter, when people build snowmen and go skiing for their recreation.
- Winter is considered the best season by majority of children. This is the time when they have snowball fights and go skiing.
Spring is named after the Roman god Springish, who was the god of rubber bands. Spring is the season directly in between Nut and Bolt, which of course span the months Marchuary and Septemberuary. Spring is known for its long, dreary, cloudy days in which everybody must wear hats and dance the mambo just to cheer themselves up. Most people don't like the month of Marchuary because they don't like dancing for entire days on end without rest.
Important fact: the height of Velociraptor attacks is during spring.
There are several very important holidays in Spring, with the most important being Feaster. For this holiday, everybody in the entire world must not only dance the Mambo and wear hats, but must also drink tea and listen to very loud music while trying to read an important document. If they fail, they will be persecuted and forced to light their pants on fire while screaming: "I'm an idiot!" If they continue to refuse, they are forced to stand on one foot, hold a glass of chocolate milk on their head and sing their home country's national anthem. If they are not patriotic towards their country, they must sing a 1980s power ballad or Michael Jackson's un-beloved "Beat It," all while boiling eggs.
The primary export of Spring is spring water, and springs. (Contrary to popular belief, Spring Rolls do not come from Spring, but from Spring)
It is often said that you can tell it is Spring when you find a turtle the size of your house lying on it's back trying to bite your toes off.
Spring is also the national season in which the effects of 18th century square dancing on the modern economy is discussed, most often by dapper men with top hats sitting in their homes.
But if these people are caught not dancing they will be put in the center of the town where they will be brutaly stoned to death. The towns people then dance around in a large circle and chant gibberish until nightfall.
Ah, Summer. It varies all across the globe; In the Pacific Northwest, it gives a break from the intense rain in favor of insane humidity (where is feels like °200 degrees even though it's barely °70), and in Hawaii it doesn't make a damn difference!
- Australia - Summer is not celebrated every July 1, as that's the middle of winter. Try Canada instead.
- El Salvador - signals when to migrate north to Mexico until the winter.
- England - identified by London weather changing from snow to rain, with no effect on fog levels. Officially obsolete since 1976
- Estonia - something that should be between spring and autumn but is never there.
- Finland - time to stop drinking beer in overcoats and start drinking beer in shorts.
- France - German soldiers are free to march in Bermuda shorts instead of arcticwear.
- Greece - Swedish wife hunting season
- Philippines - smoothies and cola floats.
- Spain - period of forest fires and flooding of the coast by tourists.
- Svalbard - the day when the sun doesn't go down, someetimes this day is missed because of inability to notice sunshine.
- Sweden - the warmest day of the year. Although many Swedes define it more as the least cold day of the year.
- Switzerland - some of the snow melts letting their Cheese and Chocolate Factories emerge from their long hibernation.
- Turkey - The season when you have to listen to that year's Eurovision winner's song over and over and over again. (with a bunch of crappy Turkish pop songs of course.)
- Vatican City - no religious holidays to celebrate during summer so they stay home and plan on ways to get rid of Robert Langdon.
Autumn is a very common season which often comes after Summer, before Winter and both before and after Spring. It could be seen as coming before Summer, if "Autumn" refers to this year and Summer to the next. In the same way, "Autumn" can come after Winter if Winter refers to this year and "Autumn" to the next.
It has been proven statistically that approximately 25% of a year could be regarded as "Autumn".
Many who are not aware of the wider pane of existence commonly known as reality panic upon becoming aware of the effects of autumn. The days become shorter, it gets cold, and the leaves on the trees turn a blood red and fall to the ground. Truly the end of days is nigh. While these people start out as simply ignorant, autumn pushes them to become bat fuck insane which has some unintended positive consequences. The demand for things like sandwich boards, on which to advertise the coming apocalypse, skyrockets. The rise in the number of "crazies" also creates new demand for "anti-bat fuck insane" medications, keeping many prescription drug companies afloat. Overall, the effects of autumn on the economy are generally considered to be positive...though only for the economy...because man, there's A LOT of ignorant people and they all go off the deep end in autumn, generally delaying the rest of us as we walk through downtown to work with their cries of pending doom.
Autumn as a name
- Please note the article submitter has been smoking crack and therefore this article may be unreliable.
Autumn is a real name, given to real people of proven brilliance. People who own this name always turn out to be the best people in the universe. If you know some one who owns this name, you should give them a green jellybean. The name Autumn is famous in the scientific world, einstien having made the calculation autumn and it is known that most autumn's are sexy, in that way that only being named after a season can happen!
'Fall' v. 'Autumn'
It is a common mistake to believe that American 'Fall' and the English 'Autumn' are equivalent. However:
- In America, Fall begins with the Autumnal Equinox (around 23rd September), whereas
- The English Autumn is defined as starting 17 days after the beginning of Eton College's Winter (sic) Term (starts 23rd September). In the old days, this enabled the posh kids to have their valet collect enough conkers ahead of the townies.
- Stupid Americans can't cope with words with more than one syllable so they have to use fall instead of autumn
- In Australia, It is Spring, so it doesn't matter.