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Sean Stalinovitch Penn (born August 17, 1960) is a marginally talented actor and tedious Hollywood liberal. He formerly provided some entertainment value when he smacked around photographers (and Madonna), but has since transitioned into the groan-worthy career of political activist.
edit Early life
Penn was born to Martha and Ed Lindwell of Carpenteria, California, who deliberately switched him at the hospital with a more attractive baby born to alcoholic actress Eileen Ryan and pinko director Leo Penn. Although originally given the middle name Justin, Penn later adopted Stalinovitch at the age of eighteen. This Russian patronymic translates to "son of Stalin", which Fox News bigoted-facist Bill O'Reilly claims he is.
Naturally, his new parents soon realized he was a dangerous, arrogant, deranged sociopath, so they gave him a camera for his seventh birthday, knowing he had all the traits needed to become a filmmaker someday. He began making short films with some of his childhood friends, including Emilio Estevez and future tiger blood-inhaler Charlie Sheen, who lived in the neighborhood.
Penn graduated from Santa Monica High School and then went to Hollywood, where he got his big break as an actor. He also has been known to direct films; typically producing over-blown, one-sided, melodramas to be released only in art houses. Case and point: sappy drama The Indian Has the Runs, which none of the former cast-members will discuss; all have taken a vow of silence.
Aside from acting in more similarly-themed movies about disturbed, needy addicts with identity issues, Penn has announced he will once again be returning to his director's chair, which is of course, shaped like a high-heeled shoe and upholstered with raw meat.
Disturbingly, Penn has recently announced he is crafting the script to a documentary on Stalinist Russia due out in 2015. The project is said to be financed by Vladimir Putin, the puppet-premiere of Ukraine (yes, he's really a puppet), and The Concerto Writer's of The Republic of Georgia. Additionally, the dubious project is co-financed by Putin's usual cronies; all of whom coldly hate Penn, but need money. The co-financiers (in no order) are: The Perverted Estonian Bus Driver's Federation, The National Board of Fraudulent Finnish Alcoholics, Auditors and Accountants, The Romanian King of The Gypsies, and all of Greater Latvia. Angry citizens and rational people in these countries--who would rather spit vomit in Penn's face than watch his movies--have already begun to protest. Although the rest of the world is hoping this is just hype, and that the film is never made.
edit Personal life
In order to cultivate his media hog status, Penn married uber-publicity hog Madonna on August 16, 1985. Due to a mix-up at City Hall, however, he accidentally was married to a plaster statue of the Virgin Mary. He subsequently married the incredibly hot Robin Wright Penn, which demonstrates the woman must have quite a few beans missing from her bushel to have married the likes of him.
edit Paternity scandal
In 2010, in the midst of divorce, Penn revealed that he had in fact, not fathered Robin Wright's children, and thus did not owe Wright any additional support. Their father is in fact debonair artist/social sex-bomb, and total pothead, Viggo Mortensen, with whom Wright and Penn had several threesomes with during the course of their horrible marriage. Mortensen had starred in one of Penn's indie flicks, but was so drunk he no longer remembers agreeing to the pointless nude scenes, which Penn himself filmed.
Penn has been involved in many activist groups, including Intemperate Actors Opposed to Nearly Everything, Hollywood Elites United, the I Don't Support the Troops Group, and the Des Moines Stamp Collectors Club. He also has a tattoo of Che Guevara on his inner arm.
To add to his resume of ill-informed, pseudo-political activism, Sean Penn briefly got involved in the recent Falklands debate between Sarah Palin's Hispanic (and arguably more talented) long-lost twin sister whore, the Fuhrer of Argentina Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and the equally loathsome Britfag Prime minister David Cameron. Kirchner claimed that the Argentinians were still butthurt 30 years after the British crushed their useless attempt to invade the Falklands and subsequently reduce the size of the British Empire by a few square miles. Claiming the "Malvinas" Islands to be their own, the Argentinians kicked up enough fuss to attract the attention of a few small South American countries who no one really gives a shit about, but most importantly, Sean Penn. After sleeping with Kirchner (whose plastic surgery was so extensive that her vagina was completely concealed, thus making her ideal dick-plowing material in his eyes), Penn decided that, for some inexplicable reason aside from his irrational hate of Western culture, that the British were being mean, colonialist pigs for retaining the Falkland Islands, and that they should immediately bow to the Fourth Reich of Argentina. He did not realize however the fundamental problem with Argentina's pledge to rule the islands; it was BOLLOCKS! This was partly because the sheep which currently populate the islands have more military training between them than the entire Argentine military combined and partly because after 17 minutes of support, Penn realized the sheer stupidity and hypocrisy in Argentina's claim of "rightful ownership" over the islands, since they had never actually owned them in the first place. Feeling a little stupid, Penn took out his anger by killing Kirchner (mainly after discovering that she was, in fact, a woman), sacrificing all the first borns of Argentina to Allah and then returning to writing gay love letters to Osama Bin Laden.