From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Sean Stalinovitch Penn (born August 17, 1960; first nocturnal emission August 23, 1973) is a marginally talented actor and tedious media hog who formerly provided some entertainment value when he smacked around photographers (and Madonna). Known to be a traitor to the United States and rumored to be the gay lover of Osama bin Laden. He has also admitted to being the lover of Hugo Chávez. His relationship with James Franco is less publicized, but rumored to be the cause of his breakup with his faux wife, Robin Wright.
Penn was born to Martha and Ed Lindwell of Carpenteria, California, who deliberately switched him at the hospital with a more attractive baby born to alcoholic actress Eileen Ryan and pinko director Leo Penn. Although originally given the middle name Justin, Penn later adopted Stalinovitch at the age of eighteen. This Russian patronymic translates to 'son of Stalin', which Fox News bigoted-facist, Bill O'Reilly, claims he is.
Naturally, his new parents soon realized he was a dangerous, arrogant, deranged sociopath so they threw him into the Guatemala sewer system. From there he made friends with logs of fecal matter and ate rats, but when he was at the age of 12 a few construction workers found him and they shipped him to Japan. They claimed they did so because he was annoying them with his "holier-than-thou" attitude, and his nonsensical carbon-copy democratic beliefs that he felt he needed to repeatedly talk about.
The Japanese repaired his brain by feeding him ground dolphin meat mixed with microchips, but little did they know he would transform into Godzilla, wreaking havoc on Tokyo, the Japanese then deployed Mecha-Godzilla to kill him, unfortunately for Japan Penn/Godzilla raped Mecha-Godzilla to death, but Japanese Spiderman saved the day. It was in Japan that he learned the ancient art of kicking "paparazzi-ass" from the Kung-Fu legend: Master Ki Cara Tzi.
Penn returned to his "normal" human state (shortly before learning his fighting abilities) and swam across the Pacific to go to Hollywood. Once there he got a job at McDonald's selling crack whores to the customers, but then he got his big break as an actor. Sadly, this is his current profession. He also has been known to direct films; typically producing over-blown, one-sided, melodramas to be released only in art houses. Case and point: Sappy emo-drama, The Indian has the Runs, which none of the former cast-members will discuss; all have taken a vow of silence.
edit Upcoming Projects
Aside from acting in more similarly-themed movies about disturbed, needy addicts with identity issues, Penn has announced he will once again be returning to his director's chair, which is of course, shaped like a high-heeled shoe and upholstered with raw meat.
Disturbingly, Penn has recently announced he is crafting the script to a documentary on Stalinist Russia due out in 2015. The project is said to be financed by Vladimir Putin, the puppet-premiere of Ukraine (yes, he's really a puppet), and The Concerto Writer's of The Republic of Georgia. Additionally, the dubious project is co-financed by Putin's usual cronies; all of whom coldly hate Penn, but need money. The co-financiers (in no order) are: The Perverted Estonian Bus Driver's Federation, The National Board of Fraudulent Finnish Alcoholics, Auditors and Accountants, The Romanian King of The Gypsies, and all of Greater Latvia. Angry citizens and rational people in these countries--who would rather spit vomit in Penn's face than watch his movies--have already begun to protest. Although the rest of the world is hoping this is just hype, and that the film is never made.
edit Marriage to Madonna
In order to cultivate his media hog status, Penn married uber-publicity hog Madonna on August 16, 1985. Due to a mix-up at City Hall, however, he accidentally was married to a plaster statue of the Virgin Mary. He subsequently married the incredibly hot Robin Wright Penn, which demonstrates the woman must have quite a few beans missing from her bushel to have married the likes of him.
edit Paternity Scandal
In 2010, in the midst of divorce, Penn revealed that he had in fact, not fathered Robin Wright's children, and thus did not owe Wright any additional support. Their father is in fact debonair artist/social sex-bomb, and total pothead, Viggo Mortensen, with whom Wright and Penn had several threesomes with during the course of their horrible marriage. Mortensen had starred in one of Penn's indie flicks, but was so drunk he no longer remembers agreeing to the pointless nude scenes, which Penn himself filmed.
Penn has been involved in many activist groups, including "Very Annoying Actors Opposed to Nearly Everything","Arrogant Actors of America United","Commies Out to Destroy America","Liberals 4 Brainwashing","Intemperate Idiots Opposed to Happiness",the "I Don't Support The Troops Group","Jihad Supporters of the USA" and the "Des Moines Stamp Collectors Club". He also has a tattoo of the face of Josef Stalin on his inner arm.
Penn has said that his hatred of America (and women) started at an early age when he was kicked out of ballet school, and his aloof mother refused to send him to Soviet Children's camp. Thus, he evolved into the angry, irrational, politically immobile, biased, pseudo-political activist he is today.
As a full supporter of Terrorism, he offered to participate in 9/11. The terrorists claimed that they would have used Penn, but they "didn't want anybody to think they liked him," which they admittedly don't.
To add to his resume of ill-informed, pseudo-political activism, Sean Penn briefly got involved in the recent Falklands debate between Sarah Palin's Hispanic (and arguably more talented) long-lost twin sister whore, the Fuhrer of Argentina Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner and the equally loathsome Britfag Prime minister David Cameron. Kirchner claimed that the Argentinians were still butthurt 30 years after the British crushed their useless attempt to invade the Falklands and subsequently reduce the size of the British Empire by a few square miles. Claiming the "Malvinas" Islands to be their own, the Argentinians kicked up enough fuss to attract the attention of a few small South American countries who no one really gives a shit about, but most importantly, Sean Penn. After sleeping with Kirchner (whose plastic surgery was so extensive that her vagina was completely concealed, thus making her ideal dick-plowing material in his eyes), Penn decided that, for some inexplicable reason aside from his irrational hate of Western culture, that the British were being mean, colonialist pigs for retaining the Falkland Islands, and that they should immediately bow to the Fourth Reich of Argentina. He did not realize however the fundamental problem with Argentina's pledge to rule the islands; it was BOLLOCKS! This was partly because the sheep which currently populate the islands have more military training between them than the entire Argentine military combined and partly because after 17 minutes of support, Penn realized the sheer stupidity and hypocrisy in Argentina's claim of "rightful ownership" over the islands, since they had never actually owned them in the first place. Feeling a little stupid, Penn took out his anger by killing Kirchner (mainly after discovering that she was, in fact, a woman), sacrificing all the first borns of Argentina to Allah and then returning to writing gay love letters to Osama Bin Laden.
edit Sunken boat in New Orleans
edit Harry Kewell Controversy
Sean Penn murdered every inch of Harry Kewell's face in 2005. This is why Kewell's face has been described as "slanty" and "trauma ridden" in recent years. Kewell reacted by telling celebrity magazine THAT'S WHAT I CALL MINDLESS TRIVIA that Sean Penn "fucking did sink that boat in Norlins". As of 2045 they had reportedly "squashed the beef"..and numerous other dicks and food products due to their inability to digest solid foods.
edit Real Marriage
Sean Penn proposed to Hugo Chavez in early 2008, and they were married in the Netherlands in August 2008. However, his rumored affair with Osama bin Laden has supposedly been causing the rift between the two. Penn and Chavez still claimed to love each other and that they would do everything together the rest of their lives.
The annoying lovebirds were apparently working on a plan to blow up the entire United States within the next six months, and then Penn would continue making awful movies about "fags and retards"--as Chavez called them. Penn pouted, saying he enjoyed both roles.
Fortunately, Chavez developed cancer before the plan to destroy America could be executed, and Penn took on a new role as a drag queen in, "This Must be Really Gay", due in low budget theaters next year; the project monopolized Penn's time and slowed his quest to ruin his least favorite place on earth, while sparing San Fransico, Province Town, and Jack Nicholson's house.
edit Relationship Dramas
As of early August, 2011, shortly after completing chemo-therapy, Penn's 'changed' husband, Hugo Chavez received a shocking blow to their union. Apparently, while he was fighting for his life and true freedom for Venezuela, Penn had apparently rekindled his very obvious fling with former Milk co-star James Franco. Penn spotted the down-on -his -luck, and out of a job stoner, mowing the law of the Universal Studios Corporate headquarters in 2006. Stunned by such muscular thighs, and an obvious judge of talent, he knew Franco deserved a career and the role of his on-screen boytoy, should the opportunity arise. The two quickly became friends, getting high and making out at inappropriate times, something which both bin Laden and Chavez chose to ignore. In a recent interview with pro-communist Russian trash magazine, UuberQueerskyy, Penn admitted that his time working on the set of Milk and his scenes with Franco amounted to the best professional experience of his life. "He has cast-iron legs, and a velvet..."
Suffice it to say, Chavez promptly moved out of their condo, and filed for divorce.
A few moths prior, bin Laden had taken the easy way out, dying at the hands of Navy Seals. Penn has recently purchased a cottage in Puget Sound--with ample security to keep out failed actress, physco stalker, and ultra fat-ass Scarlett Johansson. They met in the line at Krispy Kreme, Chavez's favorite restaurant.
Penn rebuffed reporters' criticisms, stating that the fact that he and Franco are living together is just a "friendly, scantly clad, coincidence for movie research..." He continued to beg Chavez for a seventeenth chance at their relationship--sending roses, negligee, gourmet chocolate, and low grade marijuana. Chavez used the leaves as toilet paper, mailed them back to Penn, and issued himself a bi-hemisphere-wide restraining order.
Currently, Penn and Franco are wide eyed and giggly, working on a screenplay to produce a movie of homoerotic proportions--worse than anything before in the history of indie cinema, which is bad enough already. No marriage plans, once the ink dries on his divorce papers, have been announced. Both Penn and Franco maintain pay-as- you- go girlfriends to keep up appearances.