Sean Hannity

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“Thank God for Germany!”

~ Sean Hannity on the Jews

“Who is This Douche?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sean Hannity

“Sean Hannity is certainly an accomplished man.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Douchebags

“Hello, my name is Sean Hannity. I'm whiter than John McCain's electoral base. I matter less than John McCain at a planned parenthood meeting. I flip-flop faster than the cooks at 'John McCain's P.O.W. Maverickpancake Shack'. Liking all these McCain jokes?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sean Hannity

“PS: I'll waterboard myself for charity. And film it!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sean Hannity

Sean has written over 300 books in crayon, almost five of which are in legible English.

Sean "The Insanity" Hannity a.k.a. "That hypocritical douche-bag" (hatched December 30, 1971), who is not gay he was only cavity searching that poolboy because he thought he was a terrorist, is a master satirist and joke writer for numerous comedy television programmes. He is often mistaken for a political commentator, due in part to his uniquely dry and oblique sense of humor. He has written jokes for over thirty thousand different clients, most of which were so obscure that they were not recognized as jokes at all by the vast majority of viewers. He has been described as just about everything you can possibly imagine at one point or another, except a comedy writer, a fact which vexes him greatly.

Despite his hairstyle, Sean is not a homosexual. The twinkle in his eye, the bulge in his pocket and the blush on his cheeks that viewers see when Hannity interviews President George W. Bush are optical illusions caused by poor studio lighting and faulty camera equipment. Sean has kids, so he cannot be gay (see Michael Jackson). His biography was the inspiration for the novel and movie Brokeback Mountain. Experts at Fox News point out that Hannity's license plate reads "NOTGAY", proving that Sean cannot be gay.

He is the product of a genetic experiment conducted using the DNA of Ann Coulter. We know this because 'Sean Hannity' is an anagram of 'He's a tiny Ann'. Standing at a proud 1' he and his life partner Tom Cruise both fight for little peoples rights in their spare time, while trying to brainwash anyone who is willing to listen to their propaganda.

Contents 1 Life as an Altar Boy 2 Rise to the Top 3 Hannity's dialectical chops 4 The menace of "these people" 4.1 And how we can protect our business interests from them, while still having time for golf. 5 Now, more than ever, we must work together to move forward for a better tomorrow 5.1 By which time, it will be then, more than now, at which point we will have to move backward to a better yesterday! 6 Tilted Head 7 Defintion in Websters 8 Published works

[edit] Life as an Altar Boy

“Oh father, forgive you, you have sinned.”

~ Sean Hannity on after having sex with priest, 1974

Sean came into existence through a botched attempt by US military doctors to create a suitable mate for Condoleezza Rice by inseminating Ann Coulter with sperm from a cockroach. After eighteen months' gestation, Ann Coulter's skin burst open to reveal a pulsating, sluglike hellspawn. It devoured its creators and then entered its pupal form, where it began to undergo a metamorphosis. Sometime in the late 1970's Sean emerged as we know him today, and shouted his very first words.

A devout Catholic, Sean spent most of his childhood as an altar boy at St. Paul's Cathedral in New York. It was while there at the age of 7, Sean lost his virginity to the high priest. The torrid affair continued until Sean was 14 and became "too old" for the job. Sean gladly recalls those days as "the best days of my life," and insists that as the the priest did all the cocksucking, and Sean closed his eyes and thought of Liza Minelli, he remains staunchly heterosexual.

"Kids these days are always having babies at a young age," said Sean in 2001, "That kind of thing never happened in my day, especially not in my religious family." Added Hannity, "I'm not gay. Not even a little."

He also appeared in some amateur German scat movies while dressed in a leather nazi outfit. He did this to earn extra cash when he got expelled from NYU for beating up a lesbian who chose to have an abortion after she got raped. Sean Hannity told the disciplinary review board that he was acting for god because god hated dykes and abortion. There was also some speculation that he was exchanging sexual favors with a male professor to earn a C- in a science class.

[edit] Rise to the Top

Hannity graduated in 1980 from St. Pius X Preparatory Seminary high school, located in Uniondale, New York. Hannity dropped out of New York University and Adelphi University. He later decided to pursue a radio career. Although every radio station across America turned him down because he "didn't know what he was talking about", he was able to shout at an unplugged microphone until it was broadcast across the world. Sean's initial broadcast insulted only liberals, gays, Jews, Muslims, people with consciences, black people, and rock musicians. Hannity would later resolve to expand the number of people he could insult feeling he was only hitting a small number of the current possible demographic.

[edit] Hannity's dialectical chops

“If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.”

~ Yogi Berra on Sean Hannity

Hannity's fame and fortune increased dramatically when he devised an unbeatable and universal retort, which is capable of stripping away the disguise of all sniveling, back-stabbing, terrorist-appeasing, Osama-sucking collaborators who dare step into the debating circle with him. Delivered at any point during a debate (or ideally, after the debate has ended), Hannity will loosen the belt, cock a leg, and let it fly: "Why Do You Hate America?^TM" BAM! Big-L Liberals instantly catch fire, and Socrates himself is spontaneously resurrected just to shit his pants in awe. In fact, since Socrates is a liberal, his shit also turns into a smoldering ball of flame as well. The Centers for Disease Control has classified this so-called "Hannity Steamer" as a Class 4 Bio-Hazard, a designation previously only obtained by the putrid jockstrap where Rush Limbaugh hid his Oxycontin.

Artie Lange once attempted to reply with, "I love America, it's you I hate, you stupid Nazi!" However, this only resulted in half of Lange's leg being blown off. Hannity then brought out a homeless man with HIV who then had hot gay unprotected ass sex with Hannity's tight, unfunny rectum. The homeless man then licked Lange's wounds, thus healing them. This has been called the "The Miracle of the Homeless Dude Who Fucked Hannity's Tight Unfunny Rectum."

Hannity has claimed in the past that he is not gay, even though one of his books features a detailed explanation of fisting ^[1] and even though pictures recently obtained but withheld from print by the Weekly World News allegedly revealed gerbils emerging from behind his scrotum. Hannity claims that he was just doing his part for PITA by providing some poor, homeless rodents a place to live, but an anonymous source quoted in the article said Hannity told him, "the gerbils embolden [my] rectal cavity so puppet masters like Mark Levine may slide their forearms in and puppet me with their Nazi political dribble. It's a whole lot easier than reading from tele-prompters."

Hannity is married so people don't dare call him queer even though his closet-busting is coming and will be celebrated by many of his contemporaries who have a contemptuous opinion of him. The short list to the party is reported to include DICK Cheney, Mouth Latrine, Glen Peckerhead (peck), Flush Limpwrist and some other insignificants.

[edit] The menace of "these people"

[edit] And how we can protect our business interests from them, while still having time for golf.

Hannity has been known to dispel the myths of liberal agenda by bringing Ann Coulter on his show and making racial slurs for separate ten minute segments. Because of reality's liberal bias Sean Hannity was always at a disadvantage even on his own show where high profile Democrats like Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Bill O'Reilly constantly challenge his ideals.

[edit] Now, more than ever, we must work together to move forward for a better tomorrow

[edit] By which time, it will be then, more than now, at which point we will have to move backward to a better yesterday!

“When will then be now?”

~ Dark Helmet on the starship Spaceball One

Hannity's signature catch phrases such as "You have to understand that these people can't be understood!", "I am the most humble man there is!", "Can I please get someone to violate my hilarious, tight rectum?" and "The most comprehensive coverage on your radio dial!" have entertained hundreds and baffled thousands more with their self-contradicting nature. Some other famous quotes are listed below.

• If these people had their way, we'd all be speaking Iraqi by now!
• It's this attitude of appeasement and capitulation which enabled North Vietnam to conquer California!
• Surrender is not a defense strategy, especially when you're surrendering to unarmed refugees!
• I think it's awful that in this country, any young woman can just accuse any sports hero she feels like of rape without suffering any consequences! I think she wanted to be raped!
• People talk about "hate crimes," but what about the Bush Haters? I mean, what kind of anti-American wacko would hate such a defenseless, mildly retarded, and completely powerless child??
• The richest 1% of the population pays almost 2% of the taxes! That's twice as much as the other 99%!!
• Cindy Sheehan participates in "Bukkaki Gay porn Chat rooms"
• "I'm not gay. I just look that way!"
• " You people need to get real! Just because a man likes a thick phallus in his rectum doesnt make him a homosexual! Nor does his Judy Garland record collection or his affinity for wearing leather assless chaps to night clubs!"

[edit] Tilted Head

Hannity suffers from a very rare bone disorder (known as Spinal Retardiconservitalism) that tilts his head to the right and often completely horizontal. Often only seen off camera, the disorder has caused Hannity's view points and words to be skewed and fall off the right side of his face. On the book cover above, the image was flipped to show that Hannity still has no support for the smarter half of the political sphere. Having his head tilted to one direction has often sparked some critics to call him "Slanthead".

[edit] Defintion in Websters

Sean Hannity v. The act of inserting ones fist into a Fox News viewer's rectum without the benefit of crisco. synonymous with fisting see Urban Dictionary. Used in a sentence. Sean Hannity likes to get sean hannitied by Sara Palin while singing "Let Freedom Ring".

  Sean Hannity     n.  A term bestowed on others of the conservative faith describing a relation to one of their deities, usually one who has opened his mouth and allowed rancid, Katrina-like sewage to issue forth. Usage: Didja heer what that man said? Musta writ one of the scriptures! He is a true Sean Hannity!---Usage caution: Applying this term to a mere mortal may be construed as blasphemy unless the man using the term has actually had sex with Mr./Mrs. Hannity.

[edit] Published works

• Deliver Us From High Prices: These People's War on High Volume Department Stores
• Traitors, Tramps, and Thieves: How the Media Screwed your Daughter Last Night
• Hogwash: How the Media Eats Babies
• How to Rape Like a Pro: A How-To Book on Raping with the Best of Them.
• Truths, and the Honest Truth-telling True People who Tell Them
• I Am NOT A Part of the Media: How the Media Makes you Think I Work For Them
• Answer The Goddamn Question: You People! I Swear!
• Ode to the White Sheet I Wear Everyday
• Hannity's Guide to Sodomy.
• Notes I Stole from Rush Limbaugh
• More Notes I Stole from Rush Limbaugh
• Mein Kampf: A Love Story
• So You Want to Rape Children and Minorities? A Connoisseurs Guide.
• Hitler- Misunderstood man
• Sean Hannity: Why I'm the best and why I hate the Jews.
• CNN: A network for gay-loving, pussy terrorists who hate America
• Boners for Bones; The Porn Career of Ann Coulter
• Hell Bent for Leather: My Life Before Becoming Rupert Murdoch's Bitch.

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