Sean Hannity

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Sean has written over 300 books in crayon, almost five of which are in legible English.

Sean "The Insanity" Hannity a.k.a. "That hypocritical douche-bag" or "The Wall Banger" (hatched December 30, 1971), is a fat-necked conservative. Hannity is the product of a recombinant genetic experiment conducted using the DNA of [[Ann Coulter], Rush Limbaugh and that guy that hangs out by Exit 14 on the Long Island Expressway wearing a sandwich board and preaching that the end-times are near. Indeed, 'Sean Hannity' is an anagram of 'He's a tiny Ann'.

Sometime in the late 1970's Sean emerged as we know him today, and shouted his very first words.

During the early 2000's that there were two Sean Hannity’s. However, Stephen Hawking proved that it is impossible for the universe to contain two closet cases of the same density and bullshit.

Sean isn't a journalist, he just plays one on T.V. He is a New York Times best selling author, which is god damn astounding considering his devout followers are completely illiterate.

edit Life as an Altar Boy

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Sean Hannity.
“Oh father, forgive you, you have sinned.”
~ Sean Hannity on after having sex with priest, 1974

A devout Catholic, Sean spent most of his childhood as an altar boy at St. Paul's Cathedral in New York. It was while there at the age of 7, Sean lost his virginity to the shemale nun. The torrid affair continued until Sean was 14 and became "too old" for the job. Sean gladly recalls those days as "the best days of my life," and insists that he did all the cocksucking, and the tranny nun closed his eyes and thought of Liza Minelli, he remains staunchly heterosexual.

"Kids these days are always having babies at a young age," said Sean in 2001, "That kind of thing never happened in my day, especially not in my religious family." Added Hannity, "I'm not gay. Not even a little."

He also appeared in some amateur German scat movies while dressed in a leather nazi outfit. He did this to earn extra cash when he got expelled from NYU for beating up a lesbian who chose to have an abortion after she got raped. Sean Hannity told the disciplinary review board that he was acting for the god, Xenu, because god hated dykes and abortion. There was also some speculation that he was exchanging sexual favors with a male professor to earn a C- in a science class. Hannity acknowledges this allegation, stating numerous times that the rumor is "entirely plausible; in fact, absolutely true."

edit Rise to the Top

Hannity graduated in 1980 from St. Pius X Preparatory Seminary high school, located in Uniondale, New York. Hannity dropped out of New York University and Adelphi University. He later decided to pursue a radio career.

Although every radio station across America turned him down because he "didn't know what the hell he was talking about", he was able to shout at an unplugged microphone until it was broadcast across the world. Sean's initial broadcast insulted only liberals, gays, Jews, Muslims, minorities, people with consciences, people who use logic, the literate, black people, and rock musicians. Hannity would later resolve to expand the number of people he could insult feeling he was only hitting a small number of the current possible demographic.

edit Hannity's dialectical chops

“If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.”
~ Yogi Berra on Sean Hannity
Sean with Headphones black polo

Hannity's fame and fortune increased dramatically when he devised an unbeatable and universal retort, which is capable of stripping away the disguise of all sniveling, back-stabbing, terrorist-appeasing, Osama-sucking collaborators who dare step into the debating circle with him. Delivered at any point during a debate (or ideally, after the debate has ended), Hannity will loosen the belt, cock a leg, and let it fly: "Why Do You Hate America?TM" BAM! Big-L Liberals instantly catch fire, and Socrates himself is spontaneously resurrected just to shit his pants in awe. In fact, since Socrates is a liberal, his shit also turns into a smoldering ball of flame as well. The Centers for Disease Control has classified this so-called "Hannity Steamer" as a Class 4 Bio-Hazard, a designation previously only obtained by the putrid jockstrap where Rush Limbaugh hid his Oxycontin.

Hannity has claimed in the past that he is not gay, even though one of his books features a detailed explanation of fisting and even though pictures recently obtained but withheld from print by the Weekly World News allegedly revealed gerbils emerging from behind his scrotum. Hannity claims that he was just doing his part for PITA by providing some poor, homeless rodents a place to live, but an anonymous source quoted in the article said Hannity told him, "the gerbils embolden [my] rectal cavity so puppet masters like Mark Levine may slide their forearms in and puppet me with their Nazi political dribble. It's a whole lot easier than reading from tele-prompters."

Hannity is married so people don't dare call him queer even though his closet-busting is coming and will be celebrated by many of his contemporaries who have a contemptuous opinion of him.

edit The menace of "these people]]

edit And how we can protect our business interests from them, while still having time for golf.

Hannity has been known to dispel the myths of liberal agenda by bringing Ann Coulter on his show and making racial slurs for separate ten minute segments. Because of reality's liberal bias Sean Hannity was always at a disadvantage even on his own show where high profile Democrats like Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Bill O'Reilly constantly challenge his ideals.


Scene from Hannity's infamous "Bush: Warlord Of Space" sketch on Saturday Night Live.

“When will then be now?”
~ Dark Helmet on the starship Spaceball One

Hannity's signature catch phrases such as "You have to understand that these people can't be understood!" have entertained hundreds and baffled thousands more with their self-contradicting nature.

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