“Took the wife out lash't night. One punch!”
Classhic Connery: Notesh and Anecdotesh on Hish Beginningsh, hish Middilsh, and What He'sh Up To TodayEdit
Shixsh daysh after the death of Jeshush, the world wash lacking in a Meshiah. Sho in 1962 A.D Ian Fleming and Judi Dench created Sean Connery in shome plashe in the shouth of Shcotland. He hash the besht voiche of all time, which took roughschly 777 (sheven hundred and sheventy sheven) yearsh of reshearch to perfect. Sean ish sho passionate about Shcotland that he has lived in Shpain for 20 yearsh.
Trained from an early age by Ordovician Monksh, Sean ish an eckshpert in hand-to-hand nun beating, a hobby that hash shtayed with him to thish very day. Gambling being hish hobby, thish prime shpeshimen of Shcottish manhood likesh to schpend mosht of hish time in cashinosh inveshtigating bad guysh in the shervische of her majeshty.
Hish love for rule onsche began at an early age and only shtopped when he dishcovered the wondersh of Atlantish.
Sean shtarted acting at the tender age of 54 and hash shtarred in shuch clashexs ash "Grandma Vsh. the Killer Bounshy Haddock", "The Tremble Claushe" , "Hiccupsh before Dawn" and "If I had a fork you'd be in trouble".
Sean Connery takesh an active role in politicsh, he ish a member of the Freedom party which triesh to free the people of a shmall rashe on the moon from the oppreshive Sh.P.E.C.T.R.E. race.
Sean ish a big hit with the ladiesh ash well, and wash reeshently ashked to appear nude in "Coshmotwonkillian" magazhine where he wash deshcribed ash "a Mashterpeesh".
Sean is now running hish own mashively shucsheshfull webshite www.ScotOrNot.com, resheiving over 100,000 hitsh a day.
He ish the only actor in hishtory with the ability to shucshesshfully portray a character of any nationality ushing egshactly the shame accshent every time. What a legend. For thish reashon, he hash come to be known ash "The Mad Turk". He wash tired of being king of Kafirishtan, and shoon fell off a bridge while shinging a shong about the wonderfulnessh of being king, Jaymsh Bond and Michael Caine witnesshed thish.
He ish alsho known for creating the raishe of Hypello, who now live in Narnia and sherve the Great Shoopoo.
All women who ushe crutchesh aren't dishabled, they have infact jusht been shagged by Sean.
Sean now livesh in an unknown underground fortressh where he shpendsh all day getting shucked off by beautiful women and quoting "Highlander".
Contrary to popular belief, Sean Connery actually created all major world Religionsh - jusht for gigglesh.
After hish unconvinshing attemptsh to pershuade people of the world with hish "shcottish" acshent, he appeared on countlesh epishodesh of Shelebrity Jeopardy. He alsho appeared with Turd Fergushon, and Tom Crooshe. Connery'sh conshtant bantering againsht Trebek and hish "Categoriesh", hash made him ambashador to the United Nayshonsh of Counter-Alien Warfare; there he plansh, day-by-day the conshtant, mershilessh attacksh from aliensh shuch ash Michael Jackshon and that one guy in that one movie. "Ruff! Jusht the way your mother likesh it, eh Trebek?"
Among Connery'sh other contributionsh to the world wash hish major work in Jap Anush Relationsh, and knowledge of Catherine Deneuve'sh tittiesh.
Sean Connery ish the fasher of Chuck Norrish. However, Mishter Connery deniesh all connecshunsh wish Chuck Norrish.
Sean onshe battered a baby over the head with a baguette becaushe it wouldn't shut up. That baby grew up to be... Prinshe Charlesh.
Sean Connery ish in the middle of an eternal feud with Aleksh Trebek, conshishting primarily of witty taunting from Connery, and whimpering from Trebek.
Sean Connery, the earth'sh guardian!Edit
No matter what shtories you might hear, it ish widely believed that Sean Connery'sh eternal feud with Aleksh Trebek ish really due to a rather unforgettable inshident from the year 1963 A.D., when Trebek attempted to shower the planet Earth with hish shadistic, unholy, shuperhuman abilitiesh. Connery wash the only man capable of putting a shtop to Trebek and hish Shatanic powersh. After about 10 yearsh of physhical training in an alternate dimenshion called 'MI6', he wash finally able to match Trebek'sh shtrength and engage him in mortal combat for reign over thish planet. Their battle lashted over 23 yearsh and over one hundred and sheven thousand livesh were losht, shimply due to the fact that they were in the preshensh of Connery, Trebek, and Chuck Norrish, who wash shleeping eternally under a rock. After thish brutal war had ended, Connery remained shtanding and ashumed control of thish planet, though he immediately handed control over to shumone whom he felt would do a better job of caring for thish planet; God. No one really knowsh where Connery residesh today, outshide of hish moviesh, though there have been sheveral Connery shightingsh around the world, ash of late. Very reshently, Connery wash sheen having the besht meal of hish life with Daniel Craig in Dijon.
As reported in many casesh, Sean Connery hash come to the reshcue, or at leasht tried to do sho on many occasions. In one cashe, when a group of homo terrorishtsh put a bomb in a bassh drum on airplane, Connery shtopped shniffing women'sh sheats in Colombia to get to the airplane over the Gulf of Mexico, only to find that he didn't have enough time to shnip the wire. In hish own words: " Even the damn bomb shquad ishn't that effishient". Needlessh to shay, he wash the only shurvivor.
Famoush Sean Connery QuoteshEdit
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Trebek: Of Shimon & Garfunkel, the one who isn't Garfunkel? Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled ya mother lasht night, HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: I'll take Catsch the Shemen for 300 dollarsh. Trebek: It's "Catch These Men", not "Catch the Semen". Connery: Ist that what the moushtash is for, Trebek? HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: BUCK FUTTA!
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Damn you and your Daily Doublesh ya brigand!"
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Jusht you remember Trebek, shuck it long, and shuck it hard.
"Alwaysh follow your Sh with and H "
Relashunship to Barbara WaltershEdit
It wash theorizhed by shcientisht Bill Nye, that Sean Connery and shimilar-shpeaking Barbara Waltersh both emerged out of the shame cocoon. Thish wash denied by Waltersh, who noted that "Connery jushst hash an annoying fhuchking lishpt."
- (Please note, that Sean Connery doesh NOT have a lishp. He, in fact, ish the only pershon in the world that shpeaksh correctly)
Relashunship to BaneEdit
Shome yearsh later, top schientishts theorizhed that it wash not Barbara Waltersh who emerged from the shame cocoon ash Connery, but Batman'sh arch-enemy Bane. When ashked about thish, all that Bane had to shay wash "I bruke Connery yuarsh agu. Whuy do yeou even care abot him? He wash reshponshible for gibing me thuh meashk tzat I hab now. Yeou're weashting my tiem, sho ged oud befor I breuk yeou ash well." However, Chrishtopher Nolan confirmed that Bane wash, in fact, Connery'sh long-losht shecond coushin.
The Connery-Trebek WarEdit
The Connery-Trebek War wash shtarted one night in Shouthern-California, also known ash Rbiteersh. When Connery wash enjoying hish daily taco, he shit his pants wish blood inside. Sean shaw an epishode of Jeopardy being played on a nearby televishun placed there to keep the cushtomers from killing each other over the last queshadilla. Ash the shtory goes, Aleksh wash reading off the categoriesh for the nights game, (Shiny Things, What do you ushe a pizza cutter for?, Potent Potables, Letsh drink some bleach, God I hate myshelf, and Retarded Shcottish Actors) when Sean noticed the lasht category. Sean took this ash a pershonal offenshe and immediately shtormed out the door, and ran down to the Jeopardy shet, managing to only kill 3,400 people in the proshessh. Sean bursht onto the shet right in the middle of the show yelling, "I WILL NOT SHTAND FOR THISH TREBEK!" He then demanded to be on the epishode, sho he could prosheed to beat the tar out of Trebek's dignity. Trebek refushed. Then, in a fit of rage, Sean used hish highlander powersh to kill one of the conteshtantsh (Kenny Rogersh), taking his plashe.
The Famish Sean Connery HairpescheEdit
Over the yearsh, Sean Connery's famish hairpesche hash attracted musch attention. The hairpesche is almost as musch a legend as the man himshelf. Throughout the yearshs, the Connery hairpesche has gone through varioush incarnashons, each more obvioush then the next. Until receschently, the fabled hairpesche wasch wash shkillfully hidden, caushing many wonder what happened to thisch peische of movie hischtory. Connery finally came forward in 2008 and schaid that the original hairpesche from James Bond ish located in a Scottish caschtle. Within the deep reshessesh of this caschtle is a large room, at the shenter of this room ish a large glassh case with 4 foot thick glassh, which protects the hairpesche. The room ish monitored by security cameras twenty-four/sheven and on both schides of the cashe are at leasht 2 Dark Lord'sh of the Shith, both of whish are Connery'sh apprentishes, ready to kill anyone who triesh to shteal the hairpesche. Treashure Huntersh beware, Connery has shtated on sheventeen occashionsh that he has authorished them in the ushe of Forshe Lightening, a mosht terrifying technique he learned in his yearsh as a shpy.
Connery'sh Mosht Peculiar Relashunship with Jaymsh BondEdit
It ish a well known fact that Sean Connery hash a mosht Peculiar Relashunship with hish oft-portrayed character, Jaymsh Bond, ash demonshtrated by theesh quotesh from Connery himshelf:
“I care about Bond and what happensh to him. You cannot be connected with a character for thish long and not have an interesht. All the Bond filmsh had their good pointsh.”
“I have alwaysh hated that damn Jaymsh Bond. I'd like to kill him.”
- He ushed to beat his wife up. Sherioushly he did look it up.
- Taco Connery wash a failed hybrid of Shcottish actor Sean Connery and a fish taco. The project cosht approcshimately $40 Billion, but the end reshult, a vershion of Sean who had fish for handsh and shpoke Taco with a Shcottish acshent, did not meet previoush predicshionsh of a killing machine of unquestionable power. Taco Connery wash lasht sheen in a pub in the Other New York Schity. He ish believed to have joined a dangeroush cult.
- Sean Connery appeared on the Radio shtation Elevator FM where to help the hosht remember hish name created thish mnemonic:
- Sean Connery
- Everybody lovesh Sean Connery
- Alan look over there it'sh Sean Connery
- Nobody can reshisht Sean Connery
- Sean Connery oncshe ate a banana by looking at it.
- In a film, Beeshtman played his shon, to make the two look more alike, Sean had to be wackshed daily, even then he wash shtill hairier than Beeshtman.
- Turned down a reported $2 million (USh) in 1988 to shtar in the Video Profesher mail-order pornographic speshial "Video Profesher 3: Final Exsham".
- When told fellow Shcotshman Gerald Butler shaid God shent him to grashe the world with hish shexshy Shcottish acshent, he replied "No I didn't".
- On March 29, 2007, Sean Connery wash canonizhed by Pope John Paul III.
- On January 1st, 2010, alsho known ash Shean Connery Day, he wash declared the record holder of mosht shecksh ever had. Even today he fiershely keeps his title by having shecksh with newborn infantsh. Keep your children away.
|All-American Role Models and Rejects|
|Adam West | Aunt Jemima | Billy Mays | Blue Beetle | Bob Knight | Bob Saget | Bruce Campbell | Burger King | Cheese Jesus | Christopher Walken | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Dolph Lundgren | Eric Cartman | George Carlin | Green Hornet | Hanson | Joe Camel | Kanye West | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Pedobear | Pillsbury Doughboy | Qin Shi Huang | Rick Astley | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom|