Sean Connery
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| The shubject of thish article ish old. Itsh content might be unknown shince it took plashe before the |
“I wash on the phone wunsh, but thee osher guy hung up, sho I shmacked a chineshe guy.”
~ Connery Canard on phones
Sixsh daysh after the death of Jeshush, the world wash lacking in a Meshiah. Sho in 1962 A.D Ian Fleming and Judi Dench created Shemen "Sean" Connery in Hairytown, Iran. He hash the besht voiche of all time, which took roughschly 777 (Sheven hundred and sheventy sheven) yearsh of reshearch to perfect.
Trained from an early age by Ordovician Monksh, Sean ish an ecshpert in hand-to-hand nun beating, a hobby that hash shtayed with him to thish very day. Gambling being hish hobby, thish shtud likes to schpend mosht of hish time in cashinos inveshtigating bad guys in the shervische of her majeshty.
Hish love for rule one began at an early age and only shtopped when he dishcovered the wondersh of atlantish.
Sean shtarted acting at the tender age of 54 and hash shtarred in shuch classics ash "Grandma Vsh. the Killer Bounshy Haddock", "The Tremble Claushe" , "Hiccupsh before Dawn" and "If I had a fork you'd be in trouble".
Sean Connery takesh an active role in politicsh, he ish a member of the Freedom party which triesh to free the people of a shmall rashe on the moon from the oppreshive S.P.E.C.T.R.E. race.
Sean ish a big hit with the ladiesh ash well, and wash reeshently ashked to appear nude in "Coshmotwonkillian" magazhine where he wash deshcribed ash "a Mashterpeesh".
Sean is now running hish own mashively shucsheshfull website www.ScotOrNot.com, receiving over 100,000 hitsh a day.
He ish the only actor in hishtory with the ability to shucshesshfully portray a character of any nationality ushing egshactly the shame accshent every time. What a legend. For thish reashon, he hash come to be known ash "The Mad Turk". He wash tired of being king of Kafirishtan, and shoon fell off a bridge while shinging a shong about the wonderfulnessh of being king, Jaymsh Bond and Michael Caine witnesshed thish.
He ish alsho known for creating the raishe of Hypello, who now live in Narnia and sherve the Great Shoopoo.
All women who ushe crutchesh aren't dishabled, they have infact jusht been shagged by Sean.
Sean now livesh in an unknown underground fortressh where he shpendsh all day getting shucked off by beautiful women and quoting "Highlander".
Contrary to popular belief, Sean Connery actually created all major world Religionsh - jusht for gigglesh.
After hish unconvinshing attemptsh to pershuade people of the world with hish "shcottish" acshent, he appeared on countlesh epishodesh of Shelebrity Jeopardy. He alsho appeared with Turd Fergushon, and Tom Crooshe. Connery'sh conshtant bantering againsht Trebek and hish "Categoriesh", hash made him ambashador to the United Nayshonsh of Counter-Alien Warfare; there he plansh, day-by-day the conshtant, mershilessh attacksh from aliensh shuch ash Michael Jackshon and that one guy in that one movie. "Ruff! Jusht the way your mother likesh it, eh Trebek?"
Among Connery'sh other contributionsh to the world wash hish major work in Jap Anush Relationsh, and knowledge of Catherine Deneuve'sh tittiesh.
Sean Connery ish the fasher of Chuck Norrish. However, Mishter Connery denies all connestions with Chuck Norrish.
Sean onshe battered a baby over the head with a baguette becaushe it wouldn't shut up. That baby grew up to be... Prince Charlesh.
Sean Connery ish in the middle of an eternal feud with Aleksh Trebek, conshishting primarily of witty taunting from Connery, and whimpering from Trebek.
Sean Connery began hoshting the podcasht Rant Alashka after World War III. And you can see that, His glory days are gone with the wind. He often longs back to those golden prime years.
Contents |
[edit] Sean Connery, the earth'sh guardian!
No matter what shtories you might hear, it ish widely believed that Sean Connery'sh eternal feud with Alex Trebek ish really due to a rather unforgettable inshident from the year 1963 A.D., when Trebek attempted to shower the planet Earth with hish shadistic, unholy, shuperhuman abilitiesh. Connery wash the only man capable of putting a shtop to Trebek and hish Shatanic powersh. After about 10 yearsh of physhical training in an alternate dimenshion called 'MI6' he wash finally able to match Trebek'sh shtrength and engage him in mortal combat for reign over thish planet. Their battle lashted over 23 yearsh and 1000007 lievesh were losht, mainly due only to the fact that they were in the preshensh of Connery, Trebek, and Chuck Norrish, who wash shleeping eternally under a rock. After thish brutal war had ended, Connery remained shtanding and ashumed control of thish planet, though he immediately handed control over to shumone whom he felt would do a better job of caring for thish planet; God. No one really knowsh where Connery residesh today, outshide of hish moviesh, though there have been sheveral Connery shightingsh around the world, ash of late. Very reshently, Connery wash sheen having the besht meal of hish life with Daniel Craig in Dijon.
As reported in many cases, Sean Connery has come to the rescue, or at least tried to do so on many occasions. In one case, when a group of homo terrorists put a bomb in a bass drum on airplane, Connery stopped shniffing women'sh sheats in Colombia to get to the airplane over the Gulf of Mexico, only to find that he didn't have enough time to snip the wire. In his own words: " Even the damn bomb shquad ishn't that effishient". Needless to say, he was the only survivor.
[edit] Famoush Sean Connery Quotesh
Connery to his niece : "Yesh, feel free to shit on my lap."
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Well ya were wrong, ya mountebank. I poshe a conundrum to ya, a riddle if you will. What'sh the differensh between you and a mallard with a cold? One'sh a shick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but ya mother'sh a whore."
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Knock, knock. Whosh there? Me, the man who schlept with your mother lasht night!"
On the set of From Russia With Love: "Ya shee!? Fefty noesh and one yesh meansh YESH!! SHUCK MY CORN, YA FUCKIN' FAT FUCKHOLE BASHTARD!!!"
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Trebek: Of Simon & Garfunkel, the one who isn't Garfunkel? Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled ya Mother lasht night, HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR HOR!!!!
From his early movie Schtroker MacKnob, while trying to provoke a fight with a policeman: "I've eaten bigger thingsh than you, and fucked thingsh uglier. By the way, how ish your mother?"
From an interview: "I will shwallow you which meh sphincter, and schpit you out the other endish"
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Trebek: " A V, well unfortunately for you Connery a V is a roman numeral for five so you win, let's see what you wagered.. Connery: "Shuck it Trebek HO HO HO HO"
AS Jamesh Bond: "Ah Pusshy. I never knew you had it in you. You do now."
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: Animal Shounds for 500/Trebek: The sound a doggy makes/Connery: What ish...moo/Trebek:NO, i would have accepted bark or Ruff./Connery:AAAhhh ruff, Thatsh the way ya motha likes it trebek AR AHAR AHAR
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: Connery: BUCK FUTTA!
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Damn you and your Daily Doublesh ya brigand!"
From Shelebrity Jeopardy: "Jusht you remember Trebek, shuck it long, and shuck it hard."
As Jamesh Bond: "I'm not wearin' any pantiesh."
[edit] Relationship to Barbara Waltersh
It wash theorished by shcientisht Bill Nye that Sean Connery and shimilar-shpeaking Barbara Waltersh both emerged out of the shame cocoon. Thish wash denied by Waltersh, who noted that "Connery jushst hash an annoying fhuchking lishpt."
[edit] Invenshunsh
- the Hairpeesh (aka a Rug)
- the Rug Doctor
- Famoush Flicksh
- You're the Man Now dog!!
- The Anal Bum Cover (Attempted for sheveral yearsh, reported not completing it ash hish biggesht regret)
- Religion
- The Penish Mightier (After it wash mentioned by Aleksh Trebek)
- Shwordsh and The Rapishtsh
- Famoush Tittiesh
- Jap Anush Relationsh
[edit] The Connery-Trebek War
The Connery-Trebek War wash shtarted one night in a Shouthern-California also known as Rbiteers. When Connery wash enjoying hish daily taco he shit his pants wish blood inside. Sean shaw an epishode of Jeopardy being played on a nearby televishun placed there to keep the cushtomers from killing each other over the last queshadilla. As the shtory goes, Aleksh wash reading off the categoriesh for the nights game, (Shiny Things, What do you ushe a pizza cutter for?, Potent Potables, Lets drink some bleach, God I hate myself, and Retarded Scottish Actors) when Sean noticed the last category. "Sean took this as an offense and immediately stormed out the door, and ran down to the Jeopardy set, managing to only kill 3,400 people in the process. Sean burst onto the set right in the middle of the show yelling, "I WILL NOT SHTAND FOR THISH TREBEK!" He then demanded to be on the episode so he could proceed to beat the tar out of Trebek's dignity. Trebek refused, and then in a fit or rage Sean used his highlander powers to kill one of the contestants, and then took his place. (the contestant killed was Kenny Rogers)
[edit] The Famish Sean Connery Hairpesche
Over the yearshs Sean Connery's famish hairpesche hash attracted musch attention. The hairpesche is almost as musch a legend as the man himshelf. Throughout the yearshs the Connery hairpesche has gone through various incarnashons each more obvious then the next. Until receschently the fabled hairpesche wasch off limits to all eyes many wondering where thisch peische of movie hischtory is actually located. Connery finally came forward in 2008 and schaid that the orginal hairpesche from James Bond is located in a Scottish caschtle. Within the deep recesses of this caschtle is a large room, at the chenter of this room is a large gchlass case with 4 foot thick glass which protects the hairpesche. The room is monitored by security camreas 24/7 and on both schides of the case are at least 2 Dark Lord's of the Sith ready to kill any who try to steal the hairpesche.
[edit] Trivia
- Taco Connery wash a failed hybrid of Shcottish actor Sean Connery and a fish taco. The project cosht approcshimately $40 Billion, but the end reshult, a vershion of Sean who had fish for handsh and shpoke Taco with a Shcottish acshent, did not meet previoush predicshionsh of a killing machine of unquestionable power. Taco Connery wash lasht sheen in a pub in the Other New York #####. He ish believed to have joined a dangeroush cult.Sean Connery once ate a banana by looking at it.
- In a film, Beeshtman played his shon, to make the two look more alike, Sean had to be wackshed daily, even then he wash shtill hairier than Beeshtman.
- Turned down a reported $2 million (US) in 1988 to shtar in the Video Profesher mail-order pornographic speshial "Video Profesher 3: Final Exsham".
 |
 Connery hish a Thunderball. |
 Connery, assh James Bond, asshaulting a woman with a towel. |
 Connery preparish his harpoon. |
- On March 29, 2007, Sean Connery was canonized by Pope John Paul III.
[edit] Shee alsho
- Connery Canard
- The Day The Music Died
- Dr. No
- SuperTeamOfPower
- The James Bond gang
- Rant Alaska
- Indiana Jones
- Alex Trebek
- Han Solo
- YTMND His bastard child
[edit] Achievementsh
- Founded the Czech Republic
- Before he (and his speech impediment) became famous, people (Americansh anyway) pronounced Sean as Seen. Now people pronounce it Shaun so as not to offend Sir Connery.
 | All-American Role Models and Rejects |
| Aunt Jemima | Bob Saget | Cap'n Crunch | Carrot Top | Cheese Jesus | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Courtney Love | Eric Cartman | Hanson | Hillary Clinton | Joe Camel | John Travolta's Hair | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Paris Hilton | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rainbow Brite | Renaldo Lapuz | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sloth | Timmy Turner | Titshugger Penishead McFucknutter | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom |
