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The evil look in this seagull's eye is characteristic of one of these creatures looking for prey.

The Seagull is a horribly feared avian creature, who according to tabloids across the UK has a taste for the blood of children and babies. However, if it cannot find any stupid, fat enough children it will be happy with small dog brains.

edit Creation

Dr who

A typical Time Lord, the said creators of seagulls

It is said that the seagulls evolved from Time Lords in the dark days before Uncyclopedia, but nobody knows exactly where or what the came from. Some say they are like gods and were just naturally there for all time. Some say they appeared magically when Terry Pratchett accidently collided with Dolly Parton, creating a mind blowing vortex from which came seagulls, Michael Jackson, dragons and unicorns. Some even say the first seagull was born to a Vietnamese woman as a result of Agent Orange in 1969, and was abandoned to die on the dangerous streets of Birmingham. All we know is... well, nothing.

edit Habitat and diet

A seagull on the pier

A seagull busy giving a bollard a fresh coat of white paint

Seagulls are able to live anywhere, but prefer cold desolate places such as the Arctic, space or Glasgow. They will live anywhere as long as cannabis and buttsex is freely available. Basically, many seagulls live in the wild fields of Lithuania. They are opportunitists and will eat anything that comes their way, but prefer the soft tender parts of camels and donkeys when available. This has caused many to become employed as ball vets for animals, where they will nip the - ok, that's enough.

The seagull is one of the preferred foods of rabbits and horses, and will do anything in its large seagully power to stay as far away from them as possible. In the presence of a rabbit it will bury itself underneath the soft turf of the nearest cannabis patch, so the rabbit will be distracted by the drugs and not see the soft vulnerable seagull in amongst. It is also an unknown fact that rabbits are pretty crap at digging and just get toads to do it for them, whilst making it seem like they are doing it. To escape from a deadly horse, the seagull will take flight and drop numerous goat balls onto the horse's head to distract it. The horse will of course snap up the balls whilst running and hopefully the seagull will be high enough in the sky so the horse cannot jump and snatch it out of the air.

Seagulls will live as happily in the cities of the USA as in Lithuania. There is food in abundance in cities such as New York, LA and San Francisco, due to the extra layers of fat people grow as a protection from biting insects (and also for no reason). In these cities there is 1 plump kid for every 0.413 seagulls. That's a lot of childhood obesity, man.

edit Breeding habits


Seagull cubs playing piggyback rides in a playground

A seagull uses three different tactics to find a mate. The first one is randomly selecting a female from a flock of birds, the second is becoming a hot seagull underwear model and the third is speed dating. The third tactic is generally more successful, as very few seagulls become very famous in underwear modelling and relationships with random people/seagulls is generally a bad idea.

If it does work out however, the male of the pair may bend his seagully knee to his lady gull and ask The Big Question. She may say yes or no. If she says yes the elders of the seagull tribe will inspect the male and possibly ask some questions, and if they think he's ok for her they will throw a party in which everybody gets drunk and has masses of kinky sex. This is how the new generation of seagull cubs is always formed.

The young are reared in a large nest called school until they are big enough to count money and perform adequate striptease. Some cubs however may go into business or cookery and occasionally black magic or witchcraft.

edit Famous seagulls

  • All the members of the ocean band Fall Out Buoy
  • Carrie Fisher
  • Mi-shell Pfeiffer
  • Mussel Crow
  • Harry Shipman
  • Manta-Ray Toro
  • Rafael Nadal

edit See also

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