From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“"Truly, some of the gayest nights of my youth were spent in tents with the Scouts”
Scouting, also known as the Scout Movement, is a world-wide military organization, guild of assassins and are the shadow government in several nations, originally established by an officer in the Imperial Guard of the British Empire.
The Boy Scouts is the result of a bet between two military officers which took place in the early 1900s. Colonel Baden-Saunders wagered with his colleagues, General Sir Archibald Noddingturkey C.B.E, three guineas and a half-eaten Cornish Pasty that he could persuade parent's to let him take their children off to a deserted island and do whatever he wanted with them for a week. B-S was surprised that he was able to win this intial bet, which inspired him to see just how many boys he could gain control of, to develop as his own secret army.
Many people, like author Tim "I know more than you know about yourself" Jeal, have made a bucket-load of money by writing books that say that Baden-Saunders was just a closet gay who probably wanted to sleep with uniformed boys in cold, damp fields. Although there is not even the slightest evidence of this at all these comments prove popular, especially on some cheap website called Wikidpeadoia, because the American branch of Scouts is really, really homophobic and it winds them up no end.
In Europe many of the Scouts were later destroyed by Hitler and his legion of Nazi Zombies. Now the French, Belgian and Dutch Scouts are mainly homeless orphan children who scam food off the goverment by joining scouts camps. Packs of cannibalistic Scouts have been seen roaming the streets of Copenhagen, feeding on residents os Christainia and drunken Swedish tourists. In Canada a similar organisation exists, known as Scoots.
edit Girl Guides
Although B-S saw his secret army growing rapidly, he realised that there was the risk that his actions within the Empire may be discovered before he had enough Scouts for his planned coup. In order to increase the number of available Scouts he initiated a breeding programme. His original plan to allow girls to join the Scouts so that camps could become more (re)productive was thwarted by Edwardian British society's inabaility to accept that girls should be allowed out of the kitchen. In order to complete his plan, B-S started an all-girl section under the title of Girl Guides. This breeding programme proved effective at increasing the number of available Scouts, especially after the first joint Scout and Guide Jamboree. In America it was found that the title of Girl Guide was too confusing for the local population, so the original title of Girl Scout was employed.
edit Global Domination
Much to his surprise, B-S found that parents all over the world were willing to hand over their children to his organisation's officers and he soon had enough power to topple the British Empire, assuming total command of it through the use of his elite units of B-S Scouts.
After being declared Chief Scout of the Empire by his victorious forces, B-S chose to accept an apprentice known as the Chief Scout. From this time onwards it was decided that there would only ever be one master and one apprentice at any time.
In order to ensure total command of the world, B-S gained control of the "World Organisation of Sausage Manufacturers" (WOSM) and used their products to supply mind-controlling drugs to his Scouts through the establishment of strict camp fire rituals. He became concerned, however, that the elite B-S Scouts were too powerful a force within the Scout Empire, and arranged for their removal.
edit The Rebellion
The Chief Scout was able to enter the Hut of the B-S Scouts disguised as a Girl Guide selling cookies. The massacre that followed is too graphic to describe on open media, but is available, with illustrations, in all good book stores. The few B-S Scouts that survived the night's events - known to history by the three word order issued by B-S, "Annihalate, Purge, Remove" (APR) - scattered into well-hidden Groups throughout the Scout Empire.
B-S was furious with the failure of APR to destroy the B-S Scouts in the United Kingdom, and their Chief Scout was immediately executed. He was replaced by a young Arborian woodsman, who had survived both the sting of a Wood Beast and an assassination attempt by Prince Barin. In honour of his new apprentice, B-S decreed that all leaders in Scouts should undergo Wood Beast Training. More recently the role has been taken over by Bear Grylls, who had threatened to kill and eat the entire movement unless appointed.
The B-S Scouts continued to develop their traditional Scout arts, in the hope of overthrowing WOSM and restoring order to the Scout Empire, and are considered outlaws by those within the WOSM controlled movement.
edit Numbers Game
Due to the ongoing civil war, it became vital that numbers of available Scouts were increased by a factor not possible under the Girl Guide scheme alone. In order to rapidly boost numbers the Scouts introduced new areas as a response to losses in the APR rebellion, Girl Scouts and Beavers.
Although the war is ongoing, the Scouts have indicated that adding Girls Scouts and Beavers to the movement has been a great success.
Scouts are instructed according to The Scout Method. This is a training scheme by which large amounts of paperwork are collected by leaders, which is then mixed with wood recovered from local parks, gardens and unlocked houses. The resultant material is burnt in a ceremonial pyre, while strange ritual chants are recited by those present.
During the ceremony the flesh of a wide range of local animals is often cremated, the charred remains then being consumed by the Scouts as a test of manhood.
In the United States the Boy Scouts of America and Girl Scouts of the United States of America are kept apart from each other as much as possible to try to control numbers. Despite keeping the sexes apart they are terrified that homosexuals will invade their clubs and use magic turn them all gay. In Uganda, Scouts are encouraged to hunt and hang homosexuals. Oh wait, that last bit isn't a joke - it's Uganda that is.
edit Counter terrorism
Ironically, the United States of America have chosen to employ their Boy Scouts as a mercenary force. The US military, police and border control training them in the use of assault rifles and heavy machine guns that can be used to confront terrorists, immigrants, military veterans and for taking pot-shots over the Mexican border.
Shooting immigrants has become a popular passtime in the American Scouts, with a Girl Scout called Cathy stating, "I like shooting them. I like the sound they make. It gets me excited." To ensure that this is not seen as inappropriate, only 14 to 21 year old Scouts with a C average are allowed to engage in law enforcement.
Scouts have a long tradition of fundraising. A tradition in Britain is Bob-A-Job, where Scouts roam their local community, threatening to uproot gardens or scrape the paint off parked cars unless they are paid protection money. Another infamous threat carried out by Scouts is to force little old ladies into the public highway, allowing other members of their troop to raid cars trapped in the resulting chaos.
edit Other Scouts
The scouts have a nasty habit of turning up in different video games. The fist example of this is in the Suck-Graphic-But-Yet-A-Great-Game-Idea game called Age of Empires II where they play a horse with a guy on top that cant do a thing and is to weak to kill even a single citizen. Because of Microsoft's improved anti-hacking system, the scouts couldn't break into the third Age of Empires game.