Scottsdale, Arizona

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“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
“So where is this girl called Sedona?.”
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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Scottsdale, Arizona.

Scottsdale is a city in central Arizona, adjacent to Hell. Scottsdale has become internationally recognized as a premiere and posh tourist destination, a huge gathering place of rich, dumb blondes, divorcees who cashed in on a huge settlement, big tits, spoiled brats, and other people that didn't really earn their money. The city has perhaps best known by its nicknames, Snobsdale or Snotsdale.

edit Climate

C'mon people, it's a desert. Just like nearby Phoenix, the weather is hotter than the fire and brimstones of hell and paint has been known to literally melt off of your car. Despite this, the heat and lack of water in the area make it a perfect candidate for the town with the most golf courses per capita in the country, which it actually (SERIOUSLY) is. This is completely environmentally responsible, because "Lake Mead" is Spanish for "infinite water for the future Phoenix, LA, San Diego and Las Vegas metro areas taken from people in the Midwest by the Great Lakes who actually deserve their daily oxygen". Breathing the same air as the spoiled population is considered hazardous, as it might cause the tendency for you to splurge on unneeded luxuries and more useless crap. Smog from the rest of the metropolitan area makes for beautiful "desert" sunsets.

edit Economy

The city's economy is primarily dependent on tourism, most notably sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It's residents are usually restaurant employees, rich people, yuppies and white-collar criminals.

It needs the Canadian dollar, Mexican slave labor and some wealthy retired foreign ethnic types to survive.

Scottsdale Fascist Square is the most prestigious place to spend all of your money on useless crap. Kohl's, Old Navy, Stein Mart, and anything else not too corporate or "low-priced", believe me.

There's lots of restaurants in the city to make you fat. P.F. Chang's China Bistro is based here, as is Cold Stoned Ass Creamery, Peter Puller Pizza, and Kona Grill. A good place to eat the the Pink Taco, whose owner also owns Pink Taco Stadium.

A couple of high tech operations exist in town, like the Go Daddy and Yo Momma internet companies. Mayo Clinic also operates a two facilities in town, because regular hospitals aren't good enough for this population.

The city has its own airport (Scottsdale Municipal Airport), so the rich celebrity types can avoid the paparazzi at Sky Harbor International Airport when coming to town.

edit People

The demographics of Scottsdale are 90% Gringos (this is true, consult www.census.gov on this one) most of which look like they jumped out of a Dragonball Z cartoon and went straight to abercrombie and fitch, 9% Mexicans who came to work for them, 1% Injuns who are richer thanks to the Salt River Casino (alot of Oriental tourists will show up), a few Jews here and there; and 0.1% Grey aliens in their midst. The only black people in Scottsdale are in the movie Waiting to exhale, a Token Black Guy and Oprah Winfrey has a home there. And also Somkey is the best b-ball player in this nation.

edit Culture

There is no real culture here. There's lots of fake stuff, like golf courses in the middle of a desert, resort spas, and a couple of art galleries to throw more money at. But other than that, that's about it. On the bright side, there are a good deal of bars and nightclubs at which to either (a) get drunk, (b) get laid, or (c) both, so that's a plus.

The other side of this culture is what can be referred to as the "Scottsdale Gangster" seen mostly in the north to northeast regions of Scottsdale. Typically seen wearing G Unit, South Pole, and Big Black clothing items, with pants sagged to mid thigh. They seem to have been born with the ability to talk an ungodly amount of smack about people behind their backs, but will (literally) take off running back to their mommie's BMW and take off when "the shit goes down." The primary weapon of choice for these from-da-streetz kids is also very appropriately called the "Scottsdale Switchblade." This is a very sophisticated and high tech weapon. Usually produced by BMW, Mercedez Benz, and VW, these weapons double as spring loaded car keys that are deployed via a push button in the blink of an eye.

Scottsdale kidz

Scottsdale guys like dicks, not chicks.

edit Education

The people of Scottsdale like to consider themselves, "cultured," and, "educated," so they've built these really extravagant buildings that they refer to as schools. Supposedly, children learn stuff there, but mostly it's teachers babysitting the worst spoiled brats known to mankind for eight hours a day while their parents work real jobs to pay for their outrageously expensive lifestyles! It's kind of sad for the 1% of the kids there who actually do have a job, since they are deemed "uncool" for not being complete assholes.

The five major public high schools in Scottsdale are Arcadia High School, Whoreizon High School, Chaparral High School, Coronado High School, Desert Mountain High School, and Saguaro High School. Chaparral in particular shows symptoms of the "scottsdale syndrome," which includes whiny people with fake tits bitching about things that really don't matter while they dump their weekly boyfriend for someone sluttier.

For those who are too good for the public schools, Scottsdale offers an assortment of overpriced private schools for overprivileged spoiled brats who want an even newer BMW to replace their new one that they crashed into a cactus while texting their "BFFs" and "Frenemies".

The only "institution of higher education" in the city is Scottsdale Community College, whose athletic mascot is Artie the Artichoke (and that's not a joke!).

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