Scottish Sports

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“Modest...and so much to be modest about!”
~ Sean Connery on Scotland's contribution to Sports
“For those concerned about obscure sporting matters what could be better than a page about Scottish Sports, ever since Kaabadee was taken off Channel Four I've felt incomplete, now I don't becuse of this low quality Uncyclopedia page”
~ Oscar Wilde disscusing Sport with Chris Eubank
“CABER TOSSED!”
~ a random voice on scottish sports

edit Munro Shagging

The aim of the Scottish sport of Munro Shagging is to shag as many people in the Munro family as possible, most of whom are called Ben. It doesn't matter how enriching the experience of each shag is, just getting it done and ticked off is all that counts, and many shaggers will aim to shag several Munros in a single night. There are 283 Munros to be shagged, according to a list first published by a guy called Hugh, who had shagged almost all of them himself.

On the list there is someone called Munro the Unshaggable, who even Hugh himself was not able to shag. It is widely suspected that he tried but he just couldn't get up it it up. Some people have been known to charge shaggers money to help them shag Munro the Unshaggable, who they claim will generally prove to be shaggable if both people climb on together. But more likely they are just trying to get money out of people in time-honoured tradition.

edit Football

Not actually a recognised sport in Scotland, the game played is actually similar to the popular Scottish hobbie of 'Fitba', where the people of the two ends of Glasgow come together in one of two alternating stadia (Parkhead and Ibrox Stadium and have a go at each other. The national Fitba team play their home games at Hamburger Park, also in Glasgow, although as of April this year the official name of the stadium was changed to McDonalds™ Happy Meal™ Arena.

edit Fitba

Scotland are officially the unofficial FIFA World Champions, having beaten the legitimate holders of the World Cup numerous times. Once, when an 'ignorant' tourist from Danishland/Legoland/Denmark challenged Scotland's statements of footballing greatness, he was molested by angry Scots and then stoned to death with frozen pieces of haggis.Some sad fellows (probably lowlanders) calculated that the Scottish football team have had the longest period of time without being beaten after having beaten the world champions at that time themselves, giving them their status. This fact is clearly evident upon viewing a match between Stirling Albion and East Dunfermline Over 80s - it's classy stuff, especially when their players miss the goal on purpose out of pure modesty (in order, so it seems, to not make the rest of the world feel jealous).


Scotland themselves tried to claim that it was them that invented football and not the English. This may, on the other hand, be because they simply like to piss off the English. It can be said without doubt, though, that Scotland is the rightful home of Fitbaw. It can also be said without doubt that Scotland is the only place where Fitbaw is played. Properly....with sectarian racism and beatings intact Its simply a shame that after inventing the beautiful game they promptly forgot how to play for 10,000 years

Scottish Premier League, 2008-2009
Celtic · Rangers · Heart of Midlothian · Aberdeen FC · Inverness · Livingston · Bathgate · Norway · Falkirk FC · Hibs · AC Milan · Scotland · Yer Da · Dunfermline · Ayr United · Texas Rangers · Manchester United

edit Curling

  • 1998: Won the almost-Bronze women's medal at Winter Olympics. Later disqualified after it was discovered that one team member wasn't a lesbian, but were later re-presented with the almost Bronze after she was caught dogging, with blue skin and stinking of Pish. The Scottish are proud of their achievements in curling but no one knows what the sport actually is! It's typical for the Scots that they are shite at every popular sport but good at the shite sports.

edit Shinty (What the fuck is that?)

Scotland have been Shinty World Champions from 1765 to present day as they are, and always will be the only international Camanachd team on the planet. If they want to play anyone at shinty, the need to play an Irish select team of hurlers and change the rules halfway through the game so that both of them can have a shot at winning.

edit Formula One

Scotland have a proud record in F1 thanks to Jim Clark, the only decent Scotsman that ever lived. Many considered Jackie Stewart, but did anyone actually like him? Recent success in this sport has come through David Coulthard when he successfully beat the great Michael Schumacher in the 2001 season.... at the Brazilian Grand Prix. Scotland have also succeded in the IndyCar Series with Dario Franchitti but he is Scots-Italian so that doesn't count.

edit Elephant Polo

Scotland were crowned World Elephant Polo Champions in 2005. Unfortunately their team was later disbanded, after an argument between the manager and players over funding.

edit Feuds, Revenge, and Rivalries

See also: beatings from Welsh, English, Japanese, other Scots, Irish, everyone really...

edit Bloodbath

In 2008, the Scots qualified for the UEFA Bloodbath Euro for the first time since sometime in the 60'sish (it was so long ago, nobody in Scotland remembers it)...of course they only won one match (12-6 against Guernsey) and failed to make the quarterfinals, but we Scots are proud of the fact that we were actually good enough to qualify, considering that it hasn't happened since God knows when.

Although we suck in European play, we have qualified for each of the last 3 Bloodbath World Cups; 1998, 2002 and 2006. Of course in '98 we finished dead last in our group, only tying against Mexico and second to last in our group in '02 with only 2 points, but in '06 we took our group and made it all the way to the quaterfinals. Yes, I know, you're jealous of our skills, even if you're from the Vatican who won the cup in '06, your still jealous.

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