Scottish National Party

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Nicola sturgeon msp

Nicola Sturgeon cooing as she realises that she has worn a completely inappropriate Lego hair piece to a television interview.

“Wash your hands after touching that raw chicken my dear, otherwise you might catch Salmondella”
~ Delia Smith on sensible kitchen hygiene

The Scottish National Party (SNP; Scottish Gaelic: Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta na h-Alba; Scots: Scotch Naitional Pairtie) is a group of brutal tyrants that currently shares rule with London over Scotland. They were founded in 1938, temporarily deposed in 1942, and reinstated in 1950. The current dominant male is Mel Gibson.

edit Current Status and History

Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta poke-mà-hokis na h-Alba is a political party within Scotland. It promises to free the Scotland from the shackles binding it to the United Kingdom and allowing it to regain its Independence by waving ta-ta to one foreign country and replacing it with another foreign country. It's sole aim is to replace Scotland's London rule to Scotland's Brussels rule. The country will still have the Queen as Head of State, keep the pound as it's currency. It will have pretend military bases made out of chipboard, breeze block and cardboard where Scottish troops (SAPS - Salmond Army Protection Squad) will be armed with plastic bows & arrows with suckers on the end, paper origami darts and a selection of brightly coloured water bomb balloons.

edit About the Party

The SNP controls 2.32 of the 7.57 seats within the Scottish Parliament in Holyrood, Edinburgh and was founded at the Battle of Bannockburn near Stirling in 1314 when a couple of guys at the back of the infantry had finished playing their game of cards and finally put the whisky decanter down. Their idea to set a political party and set rules & regulations and party political manifestos was based solely on incoherent drunken ramblings and blaming someone else for their mistakes. (Nothing's changed I see!)

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Nowadays, the party has grown into a crack political team consisting of Alex 'Fat Boab' Salmond, John 'Hen Broon' Swinney, Keith 'did ye ken I was a marine' Brown, Stewart 'Beaker' Stevenson, Nicola 'Jimmy Krankie' Sturgeon, Michael 'Teenwolf' Russell, Fiona 'I've been minister for everything cos I cannae dae any of the jobs' Hyslop and Christina 'A havnae a clue whit am dain' McKelvie who all like to piss and moan at anything Labour suggest or anyone in Scotland with any kind of brain or forward thinking recommends. Anyone who has their own thoughts or who wishes to make a comment on anything the SNP do or say will have pointy fingers made towards them followed by shrill cries of "scaremongerer scaremongering!"

The SNP currently run Scotland using the following method of Government:

  • 1) SNP make suggestion in Parliament.
  • 2) Scottish Labour laugh at SNP and talk about how crap and stupid their idea is.
  • 3) Other parties all laugh simultaneously at SNP and talk about how crap and stupid their idea is.
  • 4) SNP go round Holyrood offices begging other political parties to help put their idea through.
  • 5) Other parties laugh at the SNP saying they will run an Independent Scotland but can't get silly and stupid ideas through presently.
  • 6) SNP give up crap and stupid idea and then blame Westminster.
  • 7) In more recent times, it is more important to promise independence from these paternalists in London. It is still immoral to tell Salmond the Hutt to give his people a ballot paper (on any issue that concerns Scotland).

edit The Leader

KingAlex

Lord High Protector of Caledonia, Alba, Scotia and Keeper of the Sacred Saltire Sporran Alex Salmond

The leader of this rag-tag band of morons is a strange man called Eck the fat Fish. Some take pity on the fat man- his inability to answer questions has lead to suggestions he is deaf, or perhaps stupid. Others with a reasonable amount of IQ realize that Unionists Jack McConnell, Annabel 'Jabba' Golding are much better. The SNP is a piss-your-vote-away party.

The name of "Salmond" is no coincidence. It is not well known, but Alex was actually the result of a breeding experiment gone badly wrong. Scientists tried to breed Sean Connery with a salmon, hoping to create a super-espionage fish to spy on the Russians with. However, the experiment backfired and the opposite happened. Instead of a super-fish, what we got was a man with a distinctly salmon-like face, large gut and podgy little fingers. This could also explain his obesity, but the most people think he just eats way too many custard pies, mince pies, sausage suppers, black pudding suppers, curries and strawberry tarts.

Obesity is no coincidence as Alex is usually found touring the Indian curry houses throughout Scotland whilst drawing love hearts and writing "A.S. loves S.T." on the pages of his Racing Post newspaper each day in in typically schoolboy admiration to musician Sandi Thom. Sean Connery is said to be deeply saddened and extremely broken hearted that Alex has cooled his romantic links with him now Sandi Thom has come on the scene. Alex always remains upbeat saying Sean shouldn't feel too sad and lonely as he'll never, ever forget his first real crush and still has a poster of Sean up in his office.

Alex is well known to be available for a photo opportunity whenever one should arise. He was photographed astride a bicycle decked out in saltire spandex and holding a saltire flag above his head as someone recently passed him on the steps of Hollyrood and shouted the words "Hoy you ya bam!" Mr Salmond took this to mean that he had just been mistaken for superfit gold medalist Chris Hoy and now eats a well known breakfast cereal to be just like Chris.

Alex Salmond's latest photo opportunity came in the shape of him unfurling a Saltire flag at Wimbledon when fellow Scotchman (now Minister for Tennis) won some game. Alex Salmond was quoted afterwards as saying "Aye, ah did huv ra flag in ma podgy hauns but ye ken it's aw' in a day's work fur yir lord hgh heid yin, ra people huv tae keep oan kennin wha ra boss is ye ken that's whay ma fat puss is oan ra telly aw ra time."

Salmond stepped down as party leader in October 2014 after losing his trews in betting the Scots would vote for independence. He has been replaced by Wee Nicola 'Krankie' Sturgeon as party leader and First Minister. Nicola does a good job for three reasons: Her name is not Salmond, her name is not Salmond, and it is also a fact that she is not Alex Salmond.

edit SNP Policy

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"They may take our lives but they'll never take our haggis suppers!"

  • Sell the Lowlands to China to make more money.
  • Sell the Highlands to China to make even more money.
  • Rebuild Hadrian's Wall... and make it taller.
  • It's Scotland's oil, let's burn it.
  • Complete outlawing of cricket or anything resembling it.
  • Borrow lots of money and then go independent so as not to pay it back, also called "the-one-night-stand" policy.
  • Make sure Scotland continue their tradition of not reaching major international football events.
  • Ban Morris Dancers in Scotland.
  • Ban all Alcohol not made in Scotland, expect Irish Whiskey. So no more Buckfast.
  • Turn Scotland into one big Braveheart themed funpark.
  • Replace the "welcome to Scotland" sign at the border between Scotland & England with one saying "Jings crivens yer noo in Scotland ye ken, aye braw Scotland ken"
  • Kidnapping Britney Spears and making her Queen of Scotland.
  • Make it law that every Scottish male has to wear a glengarry hat with an 18" feather or face deportation.
  • Bankrupt Scotland within three weeks of Independence and blame Westminster for allowing us.
  • Make everyone wear a piece of clothing daily with a Saltire flag on it.
  • Donald Trump to become an honorary Scot and become Minister of Golf & Toupees.

edit The Opposition

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Loch Ness Monster. Less endangered that Scottish Liberals.

The SNP's constantly impeded progress has been attributed by historians to whom the SNP have to share a parliament with.

Scottish Labour (London Labour) Want to keep Scotland dank, desolate and depressing.

Liberal Democrats (Hangers On) Want to take credit for everything while doing absolutely nothing.

Conservatives (Tories) Want to "conserve" Scotland by closing it down completely.

Scottish Greens (Hippies) Want everyone in Scotland to peddle a bike, wear beige corduroy fashion trousers and have a constant supply of candles for lighting purposes.

Scottish Socialists (Cubans) Want to recreate the country of Cuba in Scotland.

Solidarity (Jailbirds) Want to show solidarity by putting everyone in Scotland in jail alongside their leader and recreate the country Cuba behind bars.

edit The BBC

The BBC love the SNP with a vengeance, and its employees have been known to sacrifice children and create life-like Alex Salmond dolls to show how Pro-Scotland they are.

The BBC's adoration of the SNP can be summed up in their obsessive promotion of Scotland in general, they treat Scotland as if it was heaven, in which they only ever air pro-Scotch propaganda and football on the TV to keep the English subdued.

Recently the BBC were threatened with legal action by the SNP when they refused to screen a full weekend of "sheep watch". The SNP argued that every Scot should learn all about the sheep as it's their national animal. Rumours that a full weekend of "dry stane dyking for beginners" and "Gaelic fur yer wains" were postponed until further notice due to a supposed legal dispute, are yet to be confirmed.

The BBC and all other media organisations hailed the recent performance of the SNP in local elections as: "an historic victory", "genius" etc. because about one in five Scotch voted for the SNP.

On 6 May, 2011 the BBC were turned into Trump International Television Scotland. Alex Salmond will present the Scottish News in Gaelic, Scots Doric, Auld Scots, local dialect Weegie talk and local Embra talk.

After this section was written, Stewie Griffin told the BBC that it was written. More importantly: no one in Britain would think of these alegations as untrue, and someone needs to counter-act these impressions. To move away the BBC from these strange manners, the Chief Editor ordered the BBC to start up the ""BBC loves Scandinavia". Joanna Lumley was legally obliged to make a documentary on the Aurora Borealis. BBC loves Scotland was the BBC, now it is no more.

edit See also

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