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“WARNING! A huge not-officially-gay battleship SCOTT MILLS is approaching!”
Scott Mills (born 28 March 1974) is a British radio DJ, television presenter and occasional actor. He presents a daily show on BBC Radio 1. So he says, but i'm sure he served me in WHSmith the other day, he was very nice if I recall correctly. He is also the undisputed funniest man on the planet. No, really, he truly is. Look, shut up you don't know what you're talking about ok, he's hilarious. And if you're still not buying he's got a tonne of prank calls on cassette in his cupboard that will quite simply prove you wrong, my friend.
Mills was, in fact, assembled from a box of generic spare DJ parts, which the evil genius Paul Gambaccini found in an abandoned office at the BBC. Posessed of many superpowers, Mills is widely regarded as Gambaccini's finest work. He has 7 brothers: Tony, Dopey, Smackhead, George, Scott 2, Millsy, and Susan. Scott is sister of Beatle-Botherer Heather Mills and knows the location of her missing leg. Scott has been a member of So Solid Crew, Blazin' Squad and a member of Tim Westwood's Bow Down and Kiss The Ring Club... please note that no jewelery is to be worn at this club. Scott Mills was also involved in the saga involving his alledged affair with 'Chappers' his co-host on Radio 1.
- Scott can cure any illness because his blood is homeopathic
- He is immune to Fire based attacks, this is because he was born on Mercury. (this also gives him a healthy orange glow)
- A Scott Mills is very strong and can only be beaten by a level 57 Pikachu
- Women. Scott is partial to to a bit of hanky panky with wing from the radio 1 Big weekend, there are engaged and due to be married, which many believe to be a cover up for his love affair with the BBC commissioner.
- Scott can be weakened by constant use of the word 'PANTIES'. This word irritates him to the point of defeat.
- Creepily, Scott Mills worships people called Barry.
- Mills suffers from a rare speech impediment that makes it impossible for him to pronounce the word 'bloody' correctly; a condition that he, so far, remains unaware of. Every week, listeners make fun of this affliction by requesting he shout "it's only bloody Friday" for their own sick amusement.
Scott Mills likes to wear nurses uniforms and not just for Red Nose Day 07
Scott's long time life partner is his on-air sidekick Chappers. Despite their apparently open relationship, their on air relationship is known to be tempestuos with fights often breaking out over Chappers' affairs with Dave Vitty from The Chris Moyles Show. Chappers and Dave have their own show on Radio 1, mainly whilst other presenters like Zane Low and Sarah Cox are having babies and travelling to New Zealand respectively.
Speculation has abounded that Scott is infact the father of Jo Whiley's ridiculously named child India. This however is unlikely because Jo Whiley is a convicted lesbian.
Scott can often be found browsing websites looking for references to his hero David Hasslehoff and clenches his fists and vows revenge on anybody he finds to be derogatory about her. As yet he has only left a flaming dog shit on the doorstep of Jimmy Carr.
Scott can also often be found outside radio one towers on the "phone" with a fag in hand talking to his imaginary friend Belinda who he visits on Thursdays for their regular tanning sesions which last about two hours to get that perfect orange glow. You can also find out what Scott is up to on his official fan site scottmillsofficial.co.uk