Scott Brown

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Scott Brown

This "official portrait" of Scott Brown was taken using the notorious Cosmopolitan centerfold and Shooping the clothes back on him.

Scott Brown (born September 12, 1959) is a politician with a long and varied resumé. He represented Massachusetts for years in the state legislature, before getting a once-in-a-lifetime chance to go to the U.S. Senate. After suffering a reversal, he tried to make it twice-in-a-lifetime, by moving to New Hampshire. He also has definite political opinions, probably.

edit Early life

Brown traces his roots to England. Also the Dominican Republic, Panama, and anywhere else a lot of his constituents are from. He is the 9th generation of his family born in New England — specifically, at the Portsmouth, New Hampshire Naval Shipyard, which despite its name is over the border in Maine. However, when his mother got custody and moved to Massachusetts, he was driven through New Hampshire, the first part of the process that would establish him as a resident of that state despite all evidence to the contrary and decades of forgetting about it.

Brown had notable experiences in his youth:

  • Carrying campaign signs for his father — which, sadly, inspired him to become a candidate and not a beggar on the median strip, though those careers converged in the 2010s; and
  • Being diddled by a camp counselor at the age of 10, who threatened to kill him if he told anyone — which played no role in his life until he wrote an autobiography in 2011. This embarrassing revelation, at the time, was easier, and goosed book sales better, than if he were to claim he was a Kenyan.
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Scott Brown.

Wikipedia adds that, as a youth, he did a lot of shoplifting, in case that is useful for any future Democratic Party opponents.

Brown joined the National Guard when he was 19 and has been active for 35 years. The utility of military service will be obvious to the reader if he ever tried to talk some sense into a John McCain voter. In addition, it is enormously useful to portray a legislative junket to Afghanistan as "annual refresher Guard training," though he was as unlikely to come "under fire" as Hillary Clinton in Kosovo.

Brown remained "someone you'd like to diddle," however, and was voted "America's sexiest man" in 1982, entitling him to pose naked on Cosmopolitan and receive a $1000 modeling fee, which he "put to good uses." This began a "long, lucrative" catalog modeling career. Brown is one of the reasons the reader has all those pairs of slacks from Sears in the closet.

edit State political career

After serving in several offices in Wrentham, Mass., though always looking north to New Hampshire (as most of his constituents did too, but only when the liquor cabinet got sparse), Brown was elected to 6 years in the Massachusetts House of Representatives, then 6 years in the state Senate. He was the body's "expert" on Veterans' Affairs as well as on Catalog Models' Affairs, authoring a law making it easy for members of either group to self-identify with an income-tax check-off and be recruited for government benefits. He was one of five Republicans in the body and served a key role helping them beg the Leadership to stage roll call votes.

edit 2010 election


For Sen. Kennedy (right), dying was a "smart career move" (Peter Bogdanovich), but mainly for Brown.

“Technically, it isn't illegal to be illegal in Massachusetts.”
~ Martha Coakley on immigration reform

When Senator Teddy Kennedy died without enacting comprehensive health care, Brown threw his hat into the ring, and this was the least offensive thing any of the corpse's ex-confederates did with his apparel. The stars aligned, and his Democrat opponent was Attorney General Martha Coakley, who was too swell to stand in the rain outside Fenway Park to shake grimy hands.

The Republican Party was torn, as various columnists daintily said that Brown's politics "do not fall neatly along party lines," meaning he votes on a whim. Nevertheless, the majority decided that this was the best they were going to do in Massachusetts, and gave him "Teddy's seat" — which, surprisingly, did not burst into flames when sat in by a heathen.

Brown was the 40th Republican in the U.S. Senate, which meant that the Republicans were suddenly able to lock up debate and prevent the passage of Obama-care. Imagine Republican voters' surprise when they did not.

edit 2012 election

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren was Brown's opponent in 2012.

There were only two years left in Teddy's term, so Brown had to run again in 2012. Two years is a long time for loot to flow in from San Francisco, and this time, Brown faced a persuasive opponent, Elizabeth Warren. Her memorable quote was the slightly more memorable, "You didn't build that!" which asserted that every achiever owes his success to the nearest government pencil-pusher — and which neatly deflected attention away from a career built on a preposterous claim of being a Cherokee Indian. Brown brought to the race all the assets from a career of catalog modeling, failing to fall neatly along party lines, and utter inability to seize on any of his opponent's gaping vulnerabilities. That and a cup of coffee, in Massachusetts, will get you a cup of coffee.

Warren won the seat, and shell-shocked Massachusetts Republicans, more convinced than ever that they did not resemble Democrats closely enough, looked for their Holy Grail in future races: not just a child-abuse victim but a certifiably Gay Republican.

edit 2014 election

Jeanne Shaheen

Sen. Jeanne Shaheen was a victim of a horrible accident with a vat of chemicals, and of horrible coaching to gaze at the debate crowd and smile despite occasional direct hits by Brown.

“Hold your nose and vote for me!”
~ Scott Brown, the only Republican to say what all Republicans' backers say about them

Finding both Massachusetts Senate seats occupied in 2014, Brown suddenly remembered his hours-long New Hampshire heritage and the impression that that ride in the moving van from Maine to Massachusetts had left on his three-year-old mind. Doctrinaire Marxist Jeanne Shaheen's term from that state was ending, and it occurred to Brown that he had valuable recent experience running against such a moon-bat, though he drew a blank on the outcome of that experience. So he moved "back" to New Hampshire — coincidentally, one week before the campaign filing deadline. Though there are plenty of openings for mannequins in storefront windows, Brown again set his sights on the Senate.

Brown ably made the case against Shaheen, as did the State Committee, the NRA, and the Koch Brothers, in their signature daily mailings to preach to the choir — though all three forgot to make the case for Brown. And columnists like Ann Coulter argued that Shaheen was an ogre. Unfortunately, the state's other Senator had kicked off the Brown campaign saying Brown would help bridge the gap to the ogres. The debates clarified that it was between an ogre and...a clothing model that the voter probably would like to diddle. She was a gun-grabber while he...had a "door that is always open." Voters slammed it. Though 2014 was a wave election for Republicans, Brown waved from the outside. But he took heart in the fact that that left 48 states he could claim to perfectly represent.

edit Tools

It seems to be a requirement of a wiki article on a Republican politician to catalog all the tools available to Democrat opponents. So we would be remiss not to note that Brown has several daughters, each of whom inherited the gene for Person You'd Like to Diddle, and some of whom have names like Ayla that will appeal to African Americans. It is fair game for him to use them, such as jokingly trying to marry them off in a victory speech; also not fair game for anyone else to use them, such as in a blog trying to parlay Brown as a footsoldier in the Republican War On Women (when he is merely a Reservist). But if you do, he will react, and you can criticize him for that.

edit See also

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