Scotland

Traditionally, Scotland is to England (aka Britain) what Canada is to the US, only with fewer moose and bears. It is also as the appendix is to the human body - not strictly necessary but can get inflamed, causing severe irritation.

File:Jamaican coat of arms.jpg

The Royal Coat of Arms of Scotland was designed in 1314 by Mel Gibson. It is thought he may have been drinking at the time.

Current Political & Existential Situation

It was proposed in 1982 by the burgeoning psychopath Margaret Thatcher that Scotland does not, in fact, exist - that the nation is a mythical land dreamed up by travellers from England who'd been to Carlisle, got drunk, and thought they saw something moving about in the murk up the A74. However this theory was quickly contested by the Scottish Institute for Scotland, who insisted that they did so exist, and had strong evidence.

Brilliantly, Obersturmführer Thatcher simply did not respond to this assertion, and when asked for a response, said "What? What assertion? I didn't hear anything." This soon caught on as a tremendous wheeze among the assorted delegates of the Westminster Parliament, and ever since, whenever a Scottish person has said anything they've just said "Did you hear something? What was that faint whisper I heard there? Could it be the wind weeping in the trees?" (this is known as the West Lothian Question).

The Scots, unimpressed and secretly trying not to cry, took the only option open to them and set up their own parliament instead, at Holyrood in Edinburgh. However the Scottish parliament is bollocks, because years of being ruled and then generally faffed about with by the English parliament have taken their toll on Scots, 114% of whom still believe that they are required to pay one annual hogshead of ale to their feudal lords in York.

Conjectured routes for population of Europe by Scottish tramps within three weeks of the nation's establishment. (inset: worldwide four days later)

National Character

A study by the diminutive singing anthropologist Mickey Rooney has proven that for all their singing about battle, if left to themselves the Scots will not, in fact, beat up Englishmen. Instead they merely stand around looking blank, then begin a half-hearted game of football with the Englishman's schoolbag, before wandering off to throw things into the canal. This may have passed for a national backbone in the 1300s, but England has now got its big ugly step-child America to come and look threatening whenever anyone looks like getting uppity.

The Scottish flag is known as the bastard. (click here for detail of flag)
Official languages	Swearing (de facto), Shakespearian Drama, General Lowland Bollocks and Farting About
Capital	London, yeah, exactly
Largest City	Cowdenbeath
First Minister	Dead Donald Dewar MSP
Establishment	Mel Gibson, 1314
Currency	The Potato (P) (GBP)
National anthem	Get Tae Buggery (de facto)¹
(1) To date, Scotland does not officially recognise one single national anthem. Over the years, the role of the nation's anthem has been filled by various patriotic songs, including Get Tae Buggery, Fandabidosi and Theme From a Summer Place . In the 1990s, one of the country's leading tabloid newspapers conducted a poll to determine which song should be classed as Scotland's anthem. The majority of those questioned did not understand what was being asked of them, and responded "Get tae buggery." Consequently this has been taken as the de facto national anthem at international sporting events, although it doesn't have a tune as such, and the Scots merely chant it dully at one another for ten or fifteen minutes. What is quite good, however, is when the Queen has to sing it.

Cultural Contributions

Scotland has provided the world with many great inventions over the years, including the television and the sporran. The list of things invented by Scots grows directly in proportion to the amount of alcohol one feeds to the Scot who is reeling off the list. If they are allowed access to an ordinary supermarket wines & spirits aisle, the Scots will apparently have invented, in no particular order:

• bagpipes
• monkeys
• bosoms
• loon pants
• the idea for the Eurovision Song Contest
• Mr. T
• unemployment
• digging holes in the road and filling them in again
• Death of a Salesman
• the early years of Duran Duran, before Simon Le Bon went all fat
• the idea for Russia being really big
• repressed sexual tension
• grannies
• cholesterol
• acting like you're somebody's best mate when you're not really
• having ACTUAL OIL FIELDS and still paying the HIGHEST FUEL PRICES IN THE WORLD because some eejit gave it all away for a handful of magic beans
• Monopoly
• Haggis
• throwing things into canals
• The Cosby Show

Some famous Scots of recent years have included Christopher Lambert, Mel Gibson, Russ Abbot, the Duke of Edinburgh, and Michael Palin in a kilt.

Scotland's head-and-shoulders shot from its entry on the Adult Friend Finder website

Alliances

Scotland is not currently allied with anyone. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway's hair began to come out in clumps.

Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Most recently Scotland has left over fifty increasingly disturbing messages on Mediocre Britain's answer machine, asking if they'd like to be an ally, but they haven't returned the call yet.

Jokes About

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? Give up? One says "hey you get off my cloud" and the other one says "hey McCloud get off my Ewe."

See also

• Scots
• Things Invented By Scots (expanded list)