Scotch egg
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The Scotch egg is a weapon first used during the crusades. It consisted of an egg, soaked in scotch and then ignited. This would then be thrown at the marauding enemy causing them to catch alight and in many cases, catch salmonella. The problem with this weapon was that many users got burnt, many until dead due to the lack of a launching mechanism. Equally, as water had not been discovered yet they had no way of putting out the flames, as a result many people died of scotch egg related injuries during the crusades. King Arthur himself lost 3 testicles during the crusades.
The weapon was discovered in the year 860 BC, when one Brian of Yorick was attempting to fry an egg without actually breaking the shell. He soaked it in Scotch, attempted to light it with his flint and promptly died whilst being struck by lightning. His friend Brian of Davis sitting nearby saw the attempt at invention and went on to market it as a cure for Cheese Cancer. This however did not work, and it was eventually spotted by Captain Brian of Yorick (irony!) at the first ever Cheese Cancer Fayre in 865 BC. Captain Yorick killed Davis with a sharp blow to his head, delivered by a dead hedgehog.
The first recorded use of a scotch egg during a battle was in 1078 BC. It was used by a Jeremy Francis (the 17th incarnation of Dibnah). He killed 23 enemies with the explosion, and 132 through salmonella related injuries. This started a new era in warfare, with scotch eggs being used by both sides during the crusades.
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[edit] Modern Uses of The Scotch Egg
In the modern world people use the scotch egg for many things. Some people use it for killing off idiots who piss off people at really neat modding community sites like Deskalada or Archain.
[edit] Advances in Scotch Egg Technology
Since the crusades the scotch egg has evolved, with offer 5 variants around the world. The current major producer of scotch eggs is the isle of wight with over 3 million eggs produced each hour in sweat shops across the island. Still, accidents happen and there have been over 74,000 deaths due to scotch egg related accidents (outside of battle) in the last 5 years.
Recent developments in scotch egg technology include the use of larger eggs; the largest functional egg so far being the goose egg. However this requires an extremely controlled environment to produce and is about 30 times more explosive than traditional scotch eggs.
The German Scotch Egg project in Nazi Germany was informally known as the Eiverein (Egg Club) and it began in April 1939, shortly after the discovery that larger eggs could be combined with a higher percentage of scotch. This project resulted in the largest known scotch-egg related accident in history, as an ambitious nazi scientist decided an ostrich egg soaked in 75%vol. scotch would be a good idea. 7,937 people and three ostriches died when the egg ignited and blew up in the laboratory just north of Berlin on 9th September 1942. However, the explosion also marked the discovery that ostrich meat is edible and actually quite tasty, resulting in the first production of ostrich burgers by national hero German Hamilton Burger.
[edit] Scotch Eggs in Popular Culture
Steven Hawking is a well noted Scotch Egg enthusiast. He has devoted the majority of his free time to developing the "Scotch Egg to end all motherfucking Scotch Eggs" and "A real hardcore motherfucking Scotch Egg, with real depth of flavour and beautiful elegance that will show those assholes at Tesco how to make a REAL motherfucking Scotch Egg." Scotch Eggs are also the snack of choice of middle of the road R'n'B artist, R Kelly.
[edit] See also
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The Scotch egg is a weapon first used during the crusades. It consisted of an egg, soaked in scotch and then ignited. |
