Scorpion

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Ooooooooooooooooooh!!!!! im so fuckin scared

You probably won't understand this article unless you're familiar with Mortal Kombat. To barely pass for a Kombat player, click here.

Scorpion during his run for Governor of the Netherrealm. Look at me, im outta control and im a black like a nigga and i dont give a fucking if im racist or wear yellow.......

“How do they have sex?? I think it is pretty painful...”

~ scorpion on itself

“Part of me fell in love with him when he uppercutted me off the United Nations roof”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scorpion

“This bastard uppercutted a bloody homosexual unto the hood of my car!”

~ Kofi Annan on Scorpion

Scorpion is an influential 21st Century ninja, philosopher, archaeologist, murdererer, chef, sandwich, drummer, Grue Hunter and historian, it is widely believed that he can uppercut any being into a pool of acid.He is the son of 1000th U.S. president Franklin Pierce and first lady Florence Harding. He is also known to have been a distant relative of Bill Nye. This theory, known as the Superb! Theory has been proven on many occasions. He also employs a hard-hitting roundhouse kick, it is very doubtful anyone has a more devastating roundhouse kick. Yes, anyone ever. Yes, even Chuck Norris. No, just kidding. Or am I?!

[edit] Motivation

From what you can see in this picture, the well-known "harpoon-uppercut technique" (or "harpercut" for short), considered as being a cheat by some MK players, was the reason of Scorpion's popularity during the first, second, third and even fourth part, until Midway finally decided to create platform movement and cut off the opponent's "dizziness" after being harpooned, so now the harpercut sucks completely. A fact.

His family was murdered in mercilessly cold blood, his honor was besmirched, and he himself assassinated and banished to the deepest bowels of the Netherrealm to burn and suffer, destined to drown in his endless blistering hatred for all eternity. He is obviously back on Earthrealm for one reason:

to thank us. And to lend a helping hand. Overall, he just wants to spread hugs and smiles to all... or so we've heard.

For such a tough guy, he has a gay smile, and runs like your dad. (Very Homosexually)

People love him because he's so warm and friendly. (that is, until he puts a spike through your throat)

[edit] Warmth

Like I said, he's a warm, kindly and a freshly baked soul.

His warmth comes from the searing fires of hell deep within his body. His head is the place where the fire is most concentrated. This is because he once smiled so hard, his face erupted into giddy flames of happiness.

In a recent survey taken of -100 African American males between the ages of -12 and -40; Their opinion showed Scorpion's skull actually is twice as much on fire as Ghost Rider and at least -25% more on fire than Sweet Tooth's head.

[edit] Friendliness

The second quality about Scorpion that everybody loves is his overwhelming friendliness. He is so darn lovable (and handsome).

He loves reaching out, and touching people's hearts. He does this in three ways:

1. By punching them through the rib cage, ripping the heart out and crushing it in his iron-like claws.

OR

2. By harpooning them through the chest, pulling the victim towards himself and uppercutting them into a pit full of spikes. This allows Scorpion to come back later and pick the heart up at his leisure (Generally in a small chinese take-out carton).

OR

3. Sings a rap song about himself, saying how strong he/she is and make the other guy faint because of his beautiful voice. Usually by the time he finishes, there's about 200 dead bodies rotting before him During the latter procedure he often yells "Get over here, buddy!" or "Come here, pal!" with a big pokemon grin on his face. He is such a sport.

Not much is known about what he does with the hearts, though it is rumored he dumps them all into the furnaces which fuel the fires of hell. Ha ha! What a hoot that guy is, thats why we love him huh?

[edit] Theme Song

Wait, they parodied Spider-Man's song?

Scorpion, Scorpion.

Does whatever a Scorpion does.

Nails his Spear

Yells "C'mere"

And they all get over here

Hey there!

There goes the Scorpion!

Is he strong?

No, he ain't.

Just the sight of blood makes him faint.

But he sure hides it well

Down in the pits of hell.

Hey there!

There goes the Scorpion!

Many years ago, at the end of the day.

Quan Chi set him up to be killed by Lin Kuei.

Scorpion, Scorpion.

Undead spectre Scorpion.

Wealth and fame? He's ignored.

Vengeance is his reward.

To him, life is a great big roasty,

Wherever there's a toasty,

You'll find the Scorpion!

[edit] Community Service

"Scorps" as he is widely known by those he visits regularly, is often seen giving money and hugs to orphans and longer hugs to hot female co-volunteers. But some old guy approached him and said, "Gee fella, can I get a hug?". He was found in the gutter that night, with injuries typically associated with an uppercut.

[edit] The Shirai Ryu

Everybody do the Scorpion!

Sometime in the 1990s Scorpion got kicked out of the governing board for the Make-a-Wish Foundation for uppercutting the majority of the other members off a pier. This lead Scorpion to travel back in time, inventing the round-house kick, obviously leading up to him coming back to the present and setting up a mysterious ninja-themed charity called "Shirai Ryu". All ninjas of the Shirai Ryu wear yellow, this is because their outfits taste and smell like pee pee. Well... they used to wear yellow, but the "Deadly Alliance" of Shang Tsung and Raptor Jesus killed all of them, including Scorpion. This caused Scorpion to become the hell-spawned spectre he is today, as well as a multi-platinum rapper; whose work focuses on the struggles of the ninja youth growing up in tha inner cities of the Netherrealm. He recently founded his own recording label, Shirai Ryu Records and often records collaborations with his good friend Tupac Shakur. You know that thing Scorpion shoots out of his hand, it's a metal-tipped penis.

[edit] Serve as President

Scorpion won the presidential election 9 days after the death of President John F. Kennedy. Sub-zero who voted for Lyndon Johnson was executed for not voting for Scorpion. Scorpion then broadcast Sub-zero's execution on youtube. The same happened to former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein.

[edit] Assasination attempt

While at a tavern President Scorpion was targeted for assasination. while he was leaving a drunk gunman attempts to shoot Scorpion but fails because he has bad aim and ended up killing himself.

[edit] Filmography