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“Oh! The only scooter I've ever ridden on wasn't nearly as handsome as this!”
Scooter Lewis "Vespa" Libby Jr. (August 22, 1950-September 30, 2008) was Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff and the architect of Cheney's secret, heavily guarded Fortress of Undisclosed Location.
He was the first American presidential official to be indicted in over 129 years, and the only one named "Scooter" to suffer such a legal indignity. Scooter is known to close friends and associates as "Irve," displaying the traditional "nickname-as-official-name" trend begun over two hundred years ago by B. "Big Love" Franklin, the Lord Chancellor and Dirty Old Man at Large of the Washington Administration.
Libby's first name derives from his famed power scooter, equipped with a MkIII hyperspace- turbo- transwarp engine, which harnesses the antigravitational properites of domestic felines. In 1984, Libby jumped 47 parked AT-AT walkers on his power scooter, breaking the world record of 42 set in 1979 by an unknown midget whose tomb resides in Washington's National Cemetery.
The early days, full of Dick
It is important to note that like many politicians, Libby was not always indicted; political analysts agree that Scooter Libby was the current Vice-President Dick Cheney's right-hand man for over 50 years, completely indictment-free. When Cheney was ten in 1951, he took on the young Libby to serve as his charge-d'affairs in all matters, including bullying the other children at Cheney's school, torturing cats, and playing hooky. Libby, though unable to read or write at this age, was able to use his precocious charm and sharp pre-verbal wit to help the young Cheney succeed at his various monkeyshines. Neither was ever charged for a crime, although several cats that disappeared from Cheney's neighborhood were found buried years later in the Libby family's back yard.
After grade school
Young I. Lewis, as he preferred to be called, spent a carefree childhood pulling the intestines out of live cats and planning world domination. He was admitted to Yale as a favor to his father, and after decapitating two of his professors in his freshman year he was given consistently good grades even when not attending classes.
Libby then did many other things, like going to college, getting some jobs, and cleaning Cheney's shoes to a high spit-polish shine. He is also rumored to have helped Cheney through most of his thirteen heart attacks by performing CPR, acupuncture, and repeated Wet Willies to the ailing Almost-Commander-in-Chief.
In those years he was a registered Communist and had Stalin's portrait tattooed over his right nipple. As he later explained, "It was a ploy to keep from being sent to Vietnam. Who the hell in their right mind would actually sacrifice anything to serve their country? I mean, 'Ask not what you can do for your country, ask how you can screw your country.'"
It was a philosophy I. Lewis Libby would follow throughout his career.
Libby's first government job in the US White House was in the State Department under Ronald "The Mighty" Reagan. He drew on this experience to write his critically noticed novel The Apprentice, which deals with "...pedophilia, bestiality, rape, and incest."
While serving as a public official his achievements of record are:
As a lawyer he has defended notable tax evader Marc Rich, and found the time to co-author the United States' stunningly successful post-cold war policy of beating the crap out of any country with something it wants. The Pax Americana thus produced has been the bloodiest peace since Vietnam. It is thought that Libby's stunning grasp of history is part of the reason he knew that the people of Iraq would welcome the American occupation, and that occupying the country would be easy and painless.
But Lewis Libby, the shadow player, the Bushmaster's Toiletpaper, the "Muddy Brown Pucker" (as he was affectionately called by his tops, Paul Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney, Richard Perle, and Donald Rumsfeld), made a fatal misstep. He bit the genitals off two interns, raped the Presidential spaniel Spot (inflicting injuries which culminated in the death of "Spotty" in 2004), and dumped a log in Jenna Bush's underwear drawer.
None of that, however, got him into trouble with President "Droolie" Bush.
It was his indelicate remark to Laura Bush that got him into trouble. "Say, Mrs. First Lady", Cooter is alleged to have said, "How about them Astros huh?"
As soon as the national press got wind of Cooter's faux pas his cooter was cooked. I. Lewis Libby, his sphincter stretched to the size of a basketball hoop and his face resembling a half-digested prune, was indicted by a grand jury. The charges were not that he had misled the nation and gotten a couple of thousand good men killed; not that he had used the original Constitution from the National Archives to wipe his slack ass; not that he had, over the course of 40 years promulgated more malicious stupidity than David "Killniggers" Duke.
No, he was indicted for revealing the name of an undercover Texas girl's hockey team. The Astros, posing as baseball players, had been working for the National Middleschool Girl's Hockey Intelligence Agency. And Cooter Libby blew their cover.
He is expected to cop a plea, unless he is promised a cellmate with a real "man-sized" unit.
The relationship between Dick and Scooter has continued unabated until now, where it has surely and abruptly bated. Cheney is thought to have given Libby "the kiss of death," in addition to telling him in a raspy voice "you are dead to me now; dead, Scooter." Libby plans to defend himself vigorously in court during the day and cry himself to sleep whether or not he is drinking Wild Turkey.
He was, until two days before Halloween, 2005, Cheif of Staff for Dick "Head" Cheney, US President of Vice. He was instrumental in getting Iraqis to welcome the US occupation with flowers, toffee, and the confections known to the grateful troops as IEDs. Many a legless soldier wept with gratitude when meeting his benefactor, "Cooter" Libby.
In 2008, Scooter was beaten to death with a barbell by his cellmate, Jeffrey Dahmer.
- Scooter Libby is the 2nd cousin of famed Muppet go-fer Scooter, who is currently indicted himself for fraud and money laundering charges stemming from his stint as an employee of Muppet Theater.
- Some feel that both Scooter and Scooter bring shame to the community of Muppet-Americans, and they would be correct.