Scientists Run The Government Conspiracy Theory
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Forget about the military-industrial complex, the greedy Jewish bankers or those evil gremlins. The gremlins stemmed from that shit-quality pot you bought at a discount from your local crack whore, because you're too cheap to buy it from the hobo. Its those conniving scientists, who beat everyone to it, including the Non-Huffable Kitten, Black Jesus, and your mom.
"Them Nazis think they too hot for me, they think they all nice and tasty like dat brown sugar.
Weeeeell, if theeeeey cannot handle the Jew lovin' It's all good though, coz them Nazis goin' to pay,
they really goin' to pay, mah homies goin' kick their ass, out of the country, and take their nukes
(LORDY 'AVE MERCY)."
Einstein said this shortly before conquering America. It is rumored that Robert Mugabe is one of his lovechilds.
As promised, Einstein rounded up the homies to ass-whoop Hitler. He time travelled (ironically) and rounded up the best minds that ever existed, including Stephen Hawkings, Newton, Professor Oak, Professor Elm, Professor Rowan, Professor Birch, and Doctor Evil. They then made all of them high-fangled weapons, like those Flying Fortresses, those battleships, those nukes, those gameboys and gave them to morons who actually enjoyed piloting them and being killed. All this made Hitler so depressed that he dug to the center of the hollow earth, where he still resides today.
They have firmly been in power since then.
'Why', you may ask, do I ramble on about Einstein and the PokéProfessors without giving you, the reader, substantial evidence. There really is no need, you see. After all, if you use uncyclopedia, you are probably gullible enough to believe that your daughter is not a syphilis-ridden crack whore, or that the orange kittens can be huffed.Heck, if you are a Senator, you probably voted for and funded the War on Terra, just because Colin Powell waved that tiny vial of [[|anthrax|coke-stash]] in your face. Never mind all of that. You are probably a lot wiser now, like Hillary Clinton or something.
So here it is:
- Dubya (who is really a level XXIV scientist) passed the 'No Child Left Behind Act', which used scientifially based research strategies to enhance the quality of subjects taught, focusing especially on Science and Mathematics (a.k.a science's bitch). He might as well have assimilated the children Borg-style, the audacity! However, its nothing for you to worry about, since your daughter is a crack whore anyway, probably the same one you bought that shit-quality pot from.
- Not a single state has banned the teaching of Natural selection, which Darwin found in an LSD trip. Other rigorously tested and time-proven theories, proposed by non-scientists, like Creationism, Intelligent Design, Pokémon, and the Flying Spagetti Monster, are not taught at all.
- The critics of science, including gypsies, Hippies, and scientologists, are heavily repressed and ridiculed.
- The government has banned the use of Bhang, Ganja, and Charas: the only three Indian-made substances capable of arousing intelligence; intelligence which would reveal what a cash-hogging sham science really is. Sure, you could use any other opiate, but they don't give you the brains to write a billion-line poem on how monkeys defeated a ten-headed Zombie (they also hate monkeys).
- All of them say that your crack whore-daughter's Super AIDS is incurable. Actually, two aspirins taken thrice daily can cure anything. They wont tell you this because they created Super AIDS, and programmed it to attack non-scientists and sluts.
Only a few have been bold enough to openly attack science. All of them have been squashed like bugs or brutally eaten up like the pellets Pac man feasts upon C<.... . They are as follows (if they are not as follows, why do you care?):
- L Ron Hubbard (son of Old Mother Hubbard), was unfairly labeled as a cultist. Government lawyers then sued the pants off of him. To this day, Scientology boldly continues to fight the twin demons of science and psychology.
- The League of Nations was disbanded on Einstein's whim. Not only did they fail to stop that bad-ass Hitler, but also stuck Einstein and his homies up Shit Creek without a paddle after they declared that "The League" was just a bunch of hypocritical pansies, who didn't even have the balls to compose a slightly more threatening letter to the Fuhrer. They resented having to be anally raped by Superman and the rest. Poor ol' Stephen Hawkings never fully recovered.
- Jews. So what if Einstein was one. They have to be blamed. It's a time-honoured tradition that cannot be broken.
- You, because now you know everything. The men in army choppers will be coming soon!! QUICK!! RUN!! Tell the masses! Spread the word! They must know everything: the lies, the crimes, and that Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!
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|This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.|