From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A scientist is usually a follower of Scientology or a member of the Church of Maher, in which they worship Bill Maher and try to cover up the teachings of the great prophet Drinkus Alcoholicus. The word "scientist" is Latin for satanist. Many scientists practice their beliefs in a religious building known as a laboratory. In these places they perform many rituals and sacred arts to perfect their knowledge of the faith.
Scientists reproduce by replication, so killing many of them has no effect on the number remaining. This is proven repeatedly by action movies (such as James Bond) and the video games based on them.
Scientists love their specific field of expertise, especially Geologists who have a loving obsession with rocks. The Church of Scientology was founded in 1957 by Aristotle. His revelation went like this:
“ All these churches smell. I should start me own.”
“You could earn yo' ass some greens, bro”
Unfortunately, scientists are not all members of the Church of Scientology. However, recent polls confirm that no one cares. But they are incredibly full of themselves and if you criticize them in any way they will run to one of their members who had their brains replaced with law books and try to sue you. Fortunately, they're stupid and always lose due to excessive bitching, unless of course they're real lawyers, in which case they win due to excessive bitching.
Scientists use the analogy of the five legged tripod to explain the five basic beliefs of their religion:
- The human soul is the ghastly remains of an alien that was thrown into a volcano by a stereotypical bad-guy the pope. (disputed but may or may not be the actual truth.)
- Anyone who criticises you is evil. This includes your doctor and mother, (except if your mother is a doctor, then it cancels out).
- Anything said by a science-fiction writer, such as Charles Darwin, must be taken as dogma, or at least karma.
- There is no fourth belief. If there were, it would be copyrighted and I'd be frivolously sued and physically intimidated for revealing it (specifically, that while the human soul is indeed the ghastly remains of an alien, the human body evolved from clams.) But I ain't sayin' that, so back off already.
- The only way to assure life after death is to have a set of beliefs so idiotic that they make parody redundant. (See #5)
- The extra leg is about 5.4 kilometres long (0.4 miles). It has been traditionally used as a boring extra detail. Some argue that addition of the sixth leg is too complex to be a reasonable -- it is the straw that breaks the camel's back and renders scientology unbelievable in comparison to other more simple theories, such as cannibalism or jell-o-ism. In both cases, the sixth missing pedestal plays a crucial part.
- Fun is regulated by the Department of Scientologic Fun.
- [classified: to find out what this belief is, please send a payment of $1,200 to $enter For $alvation, P.O. 1701, Hollywood, CA 90210]
edit Mad scientists
Some scientists travel with ass pirates, and even take part in their so-called adventures. Only mad scientists refuse to do so. They disapprove of adventures in general. Except for those involving destroying the world and preferably the Whole Known Universe.
The exception was the famous pirate-scientist Walter Raleigh, inventor of the bicycle who became famous for his promoting the aids benefits of South American products such as the herbs tobacco, marihuana and the tomato.
Regular scientists do not laugh maniacally. Only mad scientists do.
edit How to Identify Scientists at a Party
- Those men and women standing on tables and taking their clothes off are not scientists. They are Real Estate Agents.
- Those men mixing the "fruit punch" and laughing maniacally while tipping in bottles of vodka and packets of illicit looking pills are, also surprisingly, not scientists, although they are 'close relatives'. They are Engineers.
- Those men and women dancing wildly around the centre of the room, knocking over the pot plants and treading on the dog's tail are not scientists. They are Lawyers. Some of them may also be Real Estate Agents part-time.
- Those men and women standing against the walls, holding their wine or beer and nervously stroking their beards (the women wear stick-on beards) and saying "Hmmmm!". They're the Scientists!
- To test if a person at a party is a scientist, try this joke on him (or her in disguise): Ask, "Can I get you another miscible solution of ethanol in dihydrogen monoxide?" If he laugh until tears come out of his eyes, he's a scientist. If he giggles nervously and moves away from you, he's an Artist (females artists also wear stick-on beards, but artists can usually be discerned from Scientists because the beards are goatee-style and they wear berets (Warning: Canadians pretending to be French may also wear berets and false goatee beards, but can be identified by the fact that the berets are made from beaver skin).
- Scientists are always hungry for cheese. If you see a scientist, quickly throw rocks at it. Nothing is more deadly than a rabid scientist!!!!! Note: if it's a geologist this will only make him stronger, you are better off throwing alcohol out the window, he will follow!
edit The Big Lies of Scientists
According to modern Professional Scientific Intellects:
- Science never searches for divisibility.
- Science never searches for comparability.
- Science never searches for connectivity.
- Science never searches for sensitivity.
- Science never searches for transformability.
- Science never searches for substitutability.
- Science never searches for satisfiability.
One should agree with these statements. Else, you would be branded as maniac! Am I right?
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about divisibility of atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities? Doesn’t mathematics teach you that everything is perfectly divisible by unity?
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about comparability of atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities? Doesn’t science teach you the methods of comparing and contrasting things?
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about connectivity of atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities? Anything which cannot be connected to your mind cannot be thought.
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about sensitivity of atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities? How can one assay the cause-effect if no thing has sensitivity?
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about transformability of atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities? Hasn’t science taught transformations of energy, matter, equations, sentences?
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about substitutability of atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities? No computer can be at work if does not have searched for substitutability. What is going to be in the place of what is present now? What is evolution?
- Doesn't science search, find and teach you about the conditions which could be satisfied satisfiability) by atoms, molecules, ions, numbers, equations, words, cells, tissues, organs, and other entities?
What would your knowledge be if no thing has divisibility, comparability, connectivity, sensitivity, transformability, substitutability and satisfiability?
edit Social stigmas
Scientists are often persecuted for their decision to classify the platypus as a mammal. The issue was brought to a genetic analyst to once and for all determine if the platypus is some weird-ass mammal that lays eggs and has a beak or some screwed up bird that has fur and walks on four limbs. The result of this test was inconclusive as the equipment used to analyze the DNA hadn’t work from the very moment it was created. The scientists wanted to pretend like they knew something about animals so they flipped a coin and adamantly declared that the platypus is indeed a mammal. Scientists continue to suffer to this day while the world remains unconvinced.