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“Robert Schumann; what can I say? very little.”
“I would rather paper-cut my own scrotum than listen to Schumann's music. ”
~ Tony Blair, 1997
“What sarcasm is to wit, Schumann is to music.”
“A little Schumann is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ”
“I guess I had more to say about Schumann than I first expected. ”

“For there's Basie, Miller, Sachimo And the king of all Schumann, And with a voice like Ella's ringing out

There's no way the band can lose. ”
“Brahms can feel her a-all o-o-over, Brahms can feel her a-all over yeah”
“Schumann is more boring than most people realise.”
~ Winston (Churchy) Churchill

This image shows Schumann during his 'Middle Period'. This image gave rise to the myth that Schumann was in fact a penguin. The quality of his composition supports this theory

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Schumann.

Robert Schumann was a person, and allegedly a penguin on occasion. He would have been more exciting if he had been a pink slug; but he wasn't. He wrote several very poor compositions for the alto recorder. In 1834 he was accused of plagiarizing the Family Guy theme tune in his dire composition 'Carnival for solo triangle'. The ensuing lawsuit resulted in Schumann paying a fee of one Hedgehog. This wasn't the end of his legal trouble, however. In 1066 he was accused of shooting 50 Cent in the eye. Schumann pleaded Not Guilty, citing that at the time he was eating a sandwich. Schumann also married the worst person in the world ever; Clara Schumann. Please view her uncyclopedia entry for more information on how she was the worst person in the world ever.

edit Schumann the pianist

Schumann's ability to play the piano was to become an important factor in the development of his compositional style. Firstly, he only had one finger on each hand, which many believe to be the reason why the only melodies Schumann could write were, in fact, scales. To try and help things along a bit he tried to surgically operate on his hand but only succeeded in sculpting himself into a pengiun. Many critics are of the opinion the the penguin version of Schumann was far superior to the human version at the piano.

edit Schumann the Rally Driver

Few people are aware that Schumann was world rally champion for 90 whole seconds. His career spanned the entire duration that Clara Schumann (his co-driver, fisherwoman, boredom co-ordinator, and wife) could stand being in the car with him before she decided that Brahms would be much more exciting. Because of this Schumann crashed his ford-bmw-skoda-sandwhich-mobile into the Steinway piano factory and inadvertantantly managed to compose the masterpiece for solo piano, 'Aufschwung' while careering through the showroom at the speed of a very fast car crashing through a piano showroom while composing aweful piano music.

edit The Symphonies

These are all really shit, except for No. 2, Op. 61, which contains the first example (second movement, the scherzo) of modern psychoneurotic panic, Schumann's answer to Pernicious Modern Wagnerism.

edit Brahmsgate

Recent research undertaken by 'yo mum' indicates that Brahms dedicated his life to stealing the heart of Schumanns wife, Clara. This obsession extended as far as getting two CIA agents to beak into the Viennagate hotel and electronically bug the Schumanns room when they were staying there. Unfortunately for Brahms, the CIA Agents were caught and he was forced to resign as President of the United States of America. He remains the only President in the Country's history who has had to suffer that indignity except for Friedrich Nichts. Despite this embarrassing episode (still not as embarrassing as Star Wars Episode 1), when Schumann popped his clogs, Brahms hopped right into bed with Clara.

edit Structure

Of all musical structures Schumanns favourite was the Rondo form (as represented below)

ABACA (etc)

This is because Schumann was a great champion of repeating the same music again and again and again and again and again and again and again. However Schumann altered the Rondo form so that it was more aligned with his compositional ideals. This altered Rondo was known as the 'A' form, and it can be represented as:


Due to this revolutionary structure Schumann could almost be thought of as a 'pre-minimalist'. The only exception to this is that instead of morphing music slowly of time, Schumann just repeats.

edit Opus 44

This Quintet for four fingers and a thumb illustrates repetitive 4/4 rhythm and two middle movements in almost ABACA form. The first movement starts off "Ro-bert Schu-mann Robertschumannrobertschumann Ro-bert Schu-mann Robertschumann Ro-bert..." and goes on from there. The second movement, which if it had been in Dvorak's Quintet op. 81 would have been named a Dumka, starts off very slow, "It's time... to play... Robert Schumann, Robert Schu... mann... today..."

The third movement scherzo is too fast for words, but the finale Op. 44 #4 Allegro non troppo goes, "Robert Schuh, Robert Schumann, Robert Schumann, Robert Schuh, Robert Schuh, Robert Schumann, Robert Schumann, Robert Schuh" etc.

This was written in 1842 when Brahms was only 9 years old so nobody can blame any of it on Brahms.

edit Death

Many scandalous stories have been circulated about Schumann's death, which is only to be expected in the intrigue of high society. The most interesting of these stories include the obscure fact that Schumann totally lost his mind and turned into a vegetable when he reached the age of 44 years minus 4 months. Some speculate it was tertiary syphilis which he might have picked up decades earlier during a faschingschwank in Wien, but then why didn't Clara or any of the 4 + 4 children get it?

edit List of Works

  • Oops I repeated the exposition again
  • Repeat that tune Baby one more time
  • Over-repeated
  • I've just begun (the 5th repeat of this melody)
  • Dribble Piano concerto in A minor
  • Flight of the Bumblebee
  • Mainfrank Uferture
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