Schoolean Algebra

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Here follows the official transcript from the 17th Annual IMC regarding the curious mathematical field of Schoolean Algebra, made available through the Mathematics; Just like football without the ball initiative. Rated N for nobody.
WARNING; Do not view while operating heavy machinery, operating "generously proportioned" machinery or trying to get laid.

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Compere -- Welcome ladies and gentleman to the 17th Annual International Mathematics convention, Bangkok. Thank you to King Adulyadej for allowing us to use this fine centre; may all his coups be successful to the 100%.

[King stands up and bows]

Yes everyone, inhale to the King... no? Tough crowd. Anyway, toilets are behind the giant supercomputer that does sudokus and the bar only serves non-alcoholic beverages before 7pm.

[Irish contingent promptly storms out]

So with no further ado I shall hand over to Professor Goldberg for a presentation on the little understood field of... *sigh* Schoolean Algebra.

edit Introduction

[collective sigh from audience as projector fires up.].

Not this.

Professor Goldberg -- Schoolean Algebra. We've all seen it. We've marveled over it on walls, desks and chairs. We've sworn over it on our brand new BMW. It is by far the most popular form of mathematics learned at modern schools... by far the only form of mathematics learned at modern schools. If recent indications are correct it is becoming clear that this angsty, overly self conscious field of mathematics will be the way of the future.

The mysterious Penn diagram...

They may appear simple but these little equations have long confounded the world of mathematics. For example;

Matt is a hottie XXOOXX

What defines the quantity Matt and why is it in the range of "hottie"? What is the meaning of the pro-numerals at the end? Could it have something to do with this curious constant?

Matts number = 98485773

There are so many examples I could put up there. How about the revolutionary Penn diagram; one of the most popular graphs used in Schoolean problems. Why nearly every second problem contains this perplexing diagram. Who knows what amazing applications it could be used for? Which problems could we stick this in and gain amazing results from? It may be long and hard to define but damned if we don't figure out what the hell it means.

There is just so much possibility that has been tossed aside by labeling them as silly little paradoxes, if we keep on ignoring Schoolean Algebra as "just a phase" we could effectively be staring at the Lucky 8 ball of time as it comes up Try Again; this time carry the one...

[Front row coughs nervously and hides crate of Calculus edition Lucky 8 balls.]

edit History

Schoolean Algebra (or more simply known as Abstract Algebraic Algorithmic Complex Combined Complete Concrete Discrete Fixed Fundamental Functional Geometric Nonlinear Partial Parabolic Polynomial Pythagorean Spherical Singular Statistical Theoretical Trigonometric Variable Zoological Algebra) is one of the oldest forms of mathematics known to man, just surpassed by counting-how-many-fingers-you-have-on-your-hand and beating out hey-I'm-sure-I-had-more-money-in-my-wallet by 200 years.

The earliest examples of Schoolean Algebra can be tracked back to the school halls of ancient Athens. Schoolean Algebra was fostered by such great scholars as Pythagoras and Euler to promote mathematical thinking amongst the youth of Athens, though mainly as a thinly vialed excuse to be alone with children. However they still managed to produce amazing work that is still being unearthed today, along with classical court transcripts.

As with everything the Romans copied the idea and ran with it, producing more spectacular examples, until the invasion of the Vandals with their more elaborate, single variable figures.

Even in the dark ages Schoolean Algebra was still practiced in small pockets, granting us such fantastic calculations as...


Luminaries such as Galileo, Copernicus and that annoying kid down the plaza helped bring the ancient study of Schoolean Algebra into the enlightenment. Even they were rather unsuccessful in understanding the inner workings of Schoolean Algebra.

Then came the 19th century. Rich industrialists built huge elaborate factories and school houses powered by thousands of orphans to finally figure out the inner workings of Schoolean Algebra. While they produced equations on huge quantities, none could decipher the inner workings of the Schoolean system and were promptly torn down in favor of safer investments such as snake oil plants and zeppelin factories. The sirs could not accept that they could not understand such simple looking equations... after all they had top hats and mutton chops, mutton chops! The equations were therefore wrong.

Schoolean Algebra has officially been banned from all respected text books since a 1963 International Bore Crimes Tribunal ruling declared they were, and I quote, "absolutely impossible to understand and best left treated with suitable contempt and snobbery given to other such conundrums as /fun/ and /wu̇-men/."

Since then practitioners of Schoolean algebra have been restricted to writing their calculations in the least enlightened places in our community - schools. Constantly under fear of persecution, they must act quickly lest they be sent to detention or, god forbid, given a lecture on keeping the town beautiful and paradox free.

[Short pause. Crowd looks underwhelmed]

But I have brought something, or more someone, who can finally break this longest running of enigmas.

[Long pause. Crowd looks overwhelmed]

Wise Guy -- Good joke... but I thought the clowns were supposed to be doing that tonight...

[Professor Goldberg turns on podium. Clowns storm out, telling crowd exactly where they can stick their triangle numbers.]

Professor Goldberg -- No joke.

[A teutonic professor in the audience stands up indignantly]

Teutonic professor, his mathematical ability is only matched by his facial hair.

Teutonic Professor -- But it iz hands down ze hardest field of mathematics bar nothing. In fact, scratch zhat. Bar negative one – it’z just zhat hard. Not even ze zuperest super computer can solve it, and it even makes ze icecubes!?

[A down-to-earth mathematician raises his hand.]

Down-to-earth Mathematician -- Many professors have spent countless nights struggling and straining over the aforementioned equations. Many more have failed, being driven to the point of wild haired, dead raising insanity. I lost 3 good friends that way. 3!? Look at what happened to Steven Hawkins when he studied it! It has to be a paradox, there is just no other explanation.

[Professor Goldberg's mouth turns to a smile, displaying 3 hitherto unknown kinds of smugness]

Professor Goldberg -- But that is where you are wrong! Maybe only the hormone driven brain of could possibly be stupid enough and easy to manipulate to understand these marvelous equations! After all a cage-full of rats proved 2 + 2 = 5...

[The crowd is by now in disarray, many have begun to leave muttering about "C-grade movie plots" and "I could get better maths from my son's cartoons... and better dialogue". Several inhalers are thrown on stage.]

And here she is!...

edit Breakdown

Teen girl, her mathematical ability is only matched by her sluttiness.

[A girl of about 16 steps on stage]

Professor Goldberg -- I am deeply honored to welcome a fellow thinker of such knowledge and industriousness to the stage; Professor eMilee PHD. WTF. OMG. LOL. 69. of the MSN. We have all seen your illustrious work on your well respected online journal, you even seem to actively discuss your findings with your peers it seems. We are supposing you have won hundreds of awards for your research.

[The girl responds with a stupefied expression as if "those" photos are all over the internet. Don't worry, we've all seen them.]

Girl -- Uh. I, like did get employee of the month at McDonalds once...

Professor Goldberg -- Well now you can finally showcase your astounding knowledge to the wider mathematical community.

[Projector flicks again]

Sally = total slut

Professor Goldberg -- Can you please explain to the audience why the integer "Sally" is apparently categorized as a total and/or complete "slut" number?

[The girl stands indignantly on stage, hands on hips]

Girl -- Duh-uh because she is always under Jason, and like Jason is like sooooo fugly.

[Crowd pauses. Silence.]

Professor Goldberg -- Wait, wait, wait; so you're saying placing Jason over an integer will result in the formation of a slut?

ie. \frac{Jason}{x} = slut ? Do you have a reasoned proof for this?

Girl -- Like yeah. She thinks she has the 7th hottest ass in the grade while it is really like 30-something-th, but like every English lesson she is still, like, all over Jason and it is so disgusting because Jason has like the biggest man-boobs ever. Like they are huge, not as big as Mr. Williams, but he is just freak who tries to stare down my bra like every lesson. Like he is so wrong, once he like asked me to pick up some paper and I was like "no way, whatever freak..." but like Sally picks it up anyway. Sally is like such a total slut.

[Crowd still paused. Several people faint. Bar runs out of those little cocktail umbrellas.]

The widely respected mathematical journal where most of Teen girl's mathematical findings are published. Tough place that, they received my calculations as "lol ghey".

[Projector flicks again]

Professor Goldberg -- Astounding. How about this confounding problem long considered the holy grail of Schoolean Algebra?

Matt is a hottie XXOOXX

Girl -- O M G. That is so easy, he has like the greatest 6-pack like ever.

Professor Goldberg -- So in other words what you are saying is...

6(Matt) > x

Girl -- Uhhhh?...

Professor Goldberg -- And does this correlate with your famed equation Matt <3 Emilee in any way?

Girl -- Well duh like me and Matt are like sooo hot together. Like on Monday he totally asked me for a root, he was all like "please stop sending me those pictures" and I was like OMG he so totally likes me - what a hottie. If it wasn't for a certain mum I know I so would have gone over to his place while his parent were out, like his parents have the biggest stash of beer ever.

[Professor Goldberg scribbles on white-board]

Professor Goldberg -- So, building upon what you are saying... Matt(u) = hottie?

[Crowd realizes that they have stumbled upon something amazing. Girl realizes that there probably was rohypnol in that water she just drank.]

Professor Goldberg -- Ok. Ok. This is amazing. Simply amazing. How about...

[Projector flicks again]


[Elderly doctor stands up eagerly.]

Elderly Doctor -- If your findings are to be correct, from my calculations, I hypoffesize it may mean somefing along the lines of *eager cough* Emily is a massive *eager cough* cunt to?

[Everyone turns to look at girl.]

Girl -- But I, like, thought it was that relativity thing that Einstein guy did.

Professor Goldberg -- Einstein?! That self obsessed naboob? Not in a 10ⁿ years. Anyway... there we go. Due entirely to my findings Schoolean Algebra can no longer be considered an impossibility. Who knows what amazing applications we can use these findings for; curing cancer, answering the unanswerable questions of the universe, building a better mouse trap, bad mouthing school kids... the possibilities are unending. Now... where is the queue for Nobel prizes?

[Standing ovation from audience, fireworks go off, the Irish contingent bursts in through the door bearing duty-free alcohol and various tropical STDs. The world is changed forever.]

Compare -- Astounding, simply astounding. Thank you Professor Goldberg for that absolutely amazing, paradigm shift in mathematical thinking. However I assure you this will pale in comparison to the revelation we have next - a dog that can bark up to seven! Seven![1]

[The end.]

[No wait.]

[Yeah it is.]

edit Notes

  1. No animals were harmed in the production of this educational transcript. Except that one dog we had for lunch with stir fry. Seriously it tasted like chicken. Those Thais really can cook can't they.

edit A message from our producer

This has been another educational production brought to you by UnEducational; That's government funding for you...

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