School
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
YYYEEESSS!!!!
“Manipulation and slavery merged together to make school!”
~ Student
“The public schools waste the money we give them. Pumping more money into them should fix it.”
~ The government on School
“They don't make 'em like they used to.”
~ The Demon Headmaster on School
“Pika Pika, pik pik, pika! Pikachu pik pika! Pika Pi.”
~ Pikachu
“Pikachu is saying that his trainer became a trainer at age ten so his
trainer is an absolute airhead. Haha, he's so smart. I agree.”
~ Ash
School is a system created by the American government to brainwash Americans and destroy all creativity. Since its establishment, it has succeeded in slowing civilization down to at least 7498436549743 quintillion years but on later realization found that the School system may have doomed us all as the calculations continue to increase by massive amounts every single second. School comes in four stages: elementary school, middle school, high school (pun intended), and sometimes college (only if your too smart or to brain dead to be brain washed and the governments have to go to the really advanced stages). Their uses are, respectively, Liberal brainwashing, storing kids until they develop an interest in reading literature, good house keeping, home economics, drugs, drug dealing, and finally extracting as much money from victims as possible. However, it usually doesn't work because all money has been spent on drugs in high school before it can be extracted in college. Despite obviously not working, the general public is confident that it shouldn't be fixed because it's "just the way things are".
Contents |
[edit] No History
The school system as seen today was derived from ancient educational systems. In response to the bleakness and sadness of Mars (note to the martians when they found that the earth tried to take over by sending robots to brainwash them they decided to do mass suicide lucky for them), the ancients invented a form of compulsory education that would require all children born at a very early age to attend a local "educational" establishment that would provide hope, color, happiness and love to all. The initial system was open to only some children, but later opened up to girls, diabetics, teenagers and emos. A shelf system was formed to help structure a dead person's educational progress, consisting of eighteen rungs formed out of French-made British stainless steel. It is also the breeding ground of many large, aquatic animals such as Fish and women.
[edit] Your Mom
OOOOOOOOH, GOT YOU GOOD! No, but seriously -- the "Your Mom" joke most likely originated from school, seeing as the children subject to the brainwashing preformed at schools need to find some way to distract themselves from the sad reality of the situation. The "Your Mom" joke can be quite funny if used in proper context. Here are some examples of the joke being used in the proper context:
(This section is a work in progress. For more information on when this section may be completed, see procrastination)
[edit] The difference between the local school and local prison
- The Address
- The tolerance of phone calls
- The quality of food and food choice (local prison being higher)
- Amount of time it takes for the subject to learn a lesson. Example:
“Wow...5 years in jail...maybe I shouldn't steal cars ever again!!!”
~ Subject In Jail
“Wow...13 years in school being taught the same thing over and over...and yet I still don't get it!”
~ Subject In School
“School??”
~ Nike Worker
“What's school?”
~ Subject In Mental Asylum
- The one who teaches the lesson(local prison being nicer)
[edit] First Day of School
After the man figured out that school was just another boring way to "educate" society, he developed a concept called teaching where teachers(Atma), as they were called back then, would come into class and molest children on their first day of school,after cussing out their soul mates on their cell phones. Parents want you out of the house so they can do perverted things.
[edit] Letter Grades
A system of grades (institutionalized turn-ons) exists to subjugate those brave enough to reject the teacher's sooth-sayings. To wit:
Note: there are also times when you get a check watch out because they have just selected that you are ready to be brain washed
- A - Ass Hole. These students are sickeningly smart, and wave it in front of all others faces. They will also be the first to die when brain washed humans from the government take over the world (the invasion has already started if you noticed the increasingly high death rates about 4 people every second (where do they all go?)). You also may cover the reverse side of the spectrum and be Academically challenged. (Obviously since I can use the word spectrum correctly in a sentence, I fall into the first category).
- B - Bastard. Assigned to those who try really hard to accept the lies but fail anyway.
- C - Cold. As a result of being a member of a clique, the student realizes that only uncool kids get bad grades.
- D - Deadly. Given to students who give other students rat poison.
- F- Fucking fantastic!!!!. Rarely given. Only for star students, i.e. those who will never go anywhere in the future, unless they want to become president.
- EF - Epic Failure. Students who receive this grade are immediately shot and cremated. Students are told that they moved to a different country. It is only rumored to exist because no one ever lives through it.
- G - GAY Students too gay to think about schoolwork get the grade of G because all they are thinking about is raping the guy next to them
- H - Hore These students are Hores because just like Gays, they can only think about fucking the guy/girl next to them
- I - Idiot Students who are dumb enough to fail gym-like Ashwin
- J - Jocks Those students who are built athletes are the jocks who can only think about the blondes and fucking them
- S - Shit Head
School, as we know it today, is divided into different levels which are given numbers in ascending order. These numbers serve a dual purpose: The first being a constant reminder of how many years have been stolen from you by the State. The second (and much more widely recognized and understood) is to give a false sense that you are accomplishing something as you move up the numerical scales when in fact, your life is being slowly and inexorably sucked from your left nostril.
The first stage, codenamed half-way house, taught young little bastards false lies, including suggestions that the earth was rectangular, the sky was red, and Miley Cyrus is a good singer.
The second stage, taught its inmates (who are typically between the ages of 11 and 14) that "Life is Fantastic" and "All your hopes will come true if you do the Right Thing". These statements are, of course, lies; life was fantastic up until 1913 at which point it degraded into being 'okay', but in 1951 took a massive nosedive and became 'Worthless.'
The third and for some, the final stage of School was codenamed "High" and promote drugs, alcohol, gay masturbation with men, lesbian females, and unprotected sex with fifty year old men. At this stage, most kids tend to become aware that they are being brainwashed and some try to assassinate the president. To counter this, many crack houses have placed machines that dispense coke, marijuana, heroin, LSD, and crystal meth.
In elementary school, (primary school for you Brits) school lunches generally consist of re-heated stuff from Mexico. However, if your school is one of those fancy prep schools, you are treated to one or more of the following:
- The contents of last week's school dinners
- The dust from the old stock cupboard
- Remains of former students
- Left-overs from 4 years ago
- The remains of the fat kid that went missing last week
- Bill Cosby's shit
[edit] Toilets
Walk into a school toilet and marvel at how the Black Death hasn't returned. Urinals are generally filled with various items, from cakes (actual cakes, not urinal cakes) to coats. Use a jar instead. Commonly used for spontaneous baptismal flushes. Toilets are a great source of information, drawn from the huge amount of graffiti found normally on the back of toilet doors. It is also the only place were children can get fresh water (when I say fresh water, I mean goat urine mixed with water). Whilst children are entering their years of puberty, it is most likely that a toilet is a sanctuary where they can 'jack-off'( Ex: Cody Adamson of SRHS). On occasions, when entering the toilet, you may be open to fire and hear a large array of groans and moans. As pleasurable as it sounds, one may take the time to join in. As well as being a sanctuary for personal pleasures, many use the toilet to take a large number of shits. Sometimes corny, runny or just fucking long, whatever the shape or size, the toilet is the place to drop the kids off at the pool. You have to prefare the floor than the toilet!!!!
[edit] Teachers
After the Student's Revolt of in 1956 or another, the Coalition of Old People (or COPs as they are affectionately known) became the Teachers' Union. Commonly known as "Satan´s Bitches", their purpose has remained secret for many years. Hence members are generally ignored, spat at, shot at, or cursed at. Some suspect that their pure existence is to drain the life out of the universe, child by child. "Teachers" as known are the worst enemies of students (prisoners) and must be killed.
Interestingly, it has been estimated that around 80% of school teachers posses repetitive flatulence disorder.
[edit] The stereotypes
[edit] Food
Food in some cafeterias may be infected with head lice, probably due to the cranky old lunch ladies that refuse to wear hair nets. On rare occasions (Mostly in Japan and Poland) There may be eyeballs or other putrid objects inside your food, but you don't know that, because all you are thinking about while in school is sex.
The poison is generally toilet water. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 102% pig fat, to ensure heart attacks at young ages.
School french fries do burn quite nicely, however. If you ever need a candle, then go ahead and light one of them on fire. Those things will burn for HOURS!
[edit] Assignments at schools
Children are assigned to write a lot of stuff, called term papers, essays, projects, etc. However, those projects may even be bloody, because “prisoners” are sent to special tasks, like James Bond had been sent. However, students are not equipped to survive these assignments, and many do not return, those who do have lost their virginity unwillingly. Teachers also assign students to do mathematics tasks, but there is no logic there. And everyone includes photos or posters into folders instead of any written task. That is severely punished but it hardly works, because prisoners have gradually developed immunity over assignments. Soylent green is a common ingredient in school food. One kid actually died by eating just an piece of a burger, SO NEVER! EAT THAT FOOD!!!!!!!
[edit] False Rumours
- There won't be any piles of shit (stacked atop another) in the toilets...ever.
- Recess is a break from work
- Huffing kittens is not better than going to school.
- There's a pool on the third floor right by the elevator.
- There is a third floor.
- There is an elevator.
- There is no cow level (diablo 2)
[edit] See also
- Stoner High School
- Dover Grammar School for Boys
- Phish
- Prison
- Homework
- Procrastination
- Schoolcruft
- Colegio San Agustin-Makati
- Hell
- Finals
| Actions of life and death |
|---|
| Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End |
