Schizophrenia

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“Hey, shutup! No, you shutup! No, you shutup! I didn't say anything!! Well you're the one talking! Look everybody, just shutup!”
“Sheep Cyclone bunk-yard Mephistopheles Height of a giant stair - NAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAH oooo oooo oooo oooo oooo - Trap Trap Trap Trap Trap Trap Trap Trap - AAAAAAAAAAAAA Fuuuu-uuuuu-uuuuu-uuuuu-uuuuu- You can't kill me, ahahahahahahaha Don't Kill me please plase don't kill me don't kill me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA - So once upon a time there was two kids laying on the grass aa aa aaa aaaa aaaa a a a a aaaa aaaaa aaaaa aaa aaa aaaa ....”
~ Schizophrenia patient on Electric chair

Schizophrenia doesn't really exist, you know. It was invented by psychiatrists to get me to take all those little colored pills. Actually, what they want to do is control my brain, so that I can't communicate with the aliens who are helping me to take over the world. But I'll show them. I'm hiding all the pills under my tongue and then feeding them to the squirrels outside my cell.

Once I've taken over the world, those psychiatrists are going to be in for a rude surprise. Not to mention the CIA, NASA, and my mother. What's that mother?! No, I didn't say anything; you know I would never harm you.

Damn her! Always listening to me, the hag.

Nothing, mother! You know I love you. (Bitch.)

The government is talking in my head.

Symptoms of Schizophrenia

  • Grammar: You seek to establish a plural form of the pronoun "I"
  • Paranoia: Paranoia is a constant state of fear and worry. You MUST avoid paranoia at ALL COSTS!!! Naruto is pretty much the definition of this disorder. Once you enter this state of constant fear, it is much, much easier for the CIA, the shadow government, the aliens, the "psychiatrists" and the mimes to control you. You don't want that to happen to you. Personally, I spend weeks and weeks anxious that I will become paranoid. In fact I have become so concerned about catching paranoia that I frequently spend days at a time hiding under my bed, armed with a spatula. People who suffer from paranoia tend to view coincidences as inexplicable links between occurrences and may believe that news stories and webpages are about them personally (like this one is about me). If you, <insert name here>, ever think in this way, you may have paranoid schizophrenia.
LochNessMonster

If you see a large purple Loch Ness Monster telling you to set fire to things, DON'T LISTEN: it's a delusion. However, you can go ahead and do whatever the green ones tell you.

  • Delusions: Perceptions of and belief in things which do not really exist. Delusions are broadcast by the CIA from a remote station in Antarctica and then relayed through your skull by satellites in geostationary orbit over Area 51, in Nevada. HOWEVER, a thin layer of aluminum foil is sufficient to deflect the government's delusion-waves. Be SURE to wear these at all times (I don't leave home without 'em). Delusions can also be spread by viruses and bacteria, which the Postal Service mixes into the glue in their stamps. When you lick them, you get the delusion-inducing bacteria. Think about it: how else could they possibly get so many people to vote George Bush?
  • Disorganized thinking: For instance, you might suffer from disorganized thinking if you could not follow the clearly laid out connection between the CIA controlling John F. Kennedy through implants in his head, which caused him to order NASA to fake the moon landings, which in turn resulted in his assassination by Fidel Castro because... um, well, anyhow, my point is it's all run by the Postmaster General. Anything anyone else tells you are lies made up from this disorganized thinking everyone else but me seem to have. (Isn't that right mother? Yes, that's right... Soon you'll get to use the McDonald burgers as weapons too.)
  • Hallucinations: These are really bad. Just ask the big green dragon in my closet. He gets some wacked-out hallucinations. More common are auditory hallucinations, such as hearing voices. (No, mother, for the fifth time, I will not set fire to my head right now, I am trying to write an article!)
  • Megalomania: This is thinking you are someone really, really important. It happens when you hangout with Teddy. He convinces you to raise your army against them, they want to hurt us. It's either they or we. We have no choice. This symptom is much less common than it used to be, because as the second coming of Jesus Christ, I have been using my touch to heal people.
  • Substance abuse: Schizomaphrenics often suffer from... shubshtance abush. Mother, you're the greatesh. I mean that mother. Your the besht mother I ever had. Dammit mother, I can drink whenever I want! Shhut up! Seriously mother, you're wonderful.
  • Catatonia: Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fridge. Not letting go of the Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffridge...
  • Depression: Another common symptom is a deep sadness, also known as deppression. I'd tell you more, but I have to stick this knife in my chest to get rid of this queasy feeling of mine.

How to tell if you have schizophrenia

If you see the devil on this computer screen next to this text
Happysatan

This is not here right now. If you believe it is, you might be schizophrenic. Are you schizophrenic? No? Good, then, this isn't here.

, you have schizophrenia. If you see Adolf Hitler in your backyard, you have schizophrenia. If you think you are Napoleon, you are probably just my friend Henry.

It is recommended that you look for further help if you believe in 1+1 equalling 3, until proven otherwise; good luck.

How do people get schizophrenia?

Masterplan

This is my illustration of the causes of schizophrenia. Don't you see? It all adds up! (Except for the existence of the platypus, I haven't managed to work that one in yet.)

Schizophrenia can be contracted by many different means. It can be contracted through irradiated mail, flouridated water, or alien mind control rays. The origins of the disease are now understood quite well. It goes something like this:

Freemasons => Nazis => Werner Von Braun => NASA => 1960's CIA mind control experiments with LSD => Scooby Doo => Casey Kasem => Central Intelligence Director William Casey => Coca Cola Corporation => Global Warming => Food and Drug Administration => "All Your Base Are Belong to Us" meme=> Celine Dion=> Schizophrenia

If You Are Schizophrenic Then The Following People or Groups Of People May Be Out To Get You

800px-ElectoralCollege1840-Large

This image is definitive proof that They are Out To Get You. Who? I can't tell you right now. They may be listening. But you can read it in my 300-page manuscript, it's all laid out

.

The FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the PTA, PETA, NASA, FEMA, NPR, the Military-Industrial Complex, the Freemasons, the mimes, the Sicilian Mafia, the Russian Mafia, the police, Sting and The Police, the Fashion police, the Basque separatists, Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Nabokov, Bjork, the Yakuza, the Colombian left-wing guerrillas, the Colombian right-wing paramilitaries, the mimes, Linus Torvalds, Big Tobacco, Microsoft, Apple, the gray aliens, the green aliens, the fuschia aliens, the plaid aliens, the mimes, me, that guy, the Beatles, the dead Beatles, Nurse Joy, George Dubya Bush, Osama bin Laden, Ricky Martin, the Coca-Cola company, Kevin Federline, Darth Vader, grues, Sailor scouts, Hitler, Emo Hitler, Jewish Hitler, the Israelis, the Jesuits, GEICO, the Amish, the Postmaster General, the Catholic Church, the Episcopalian Church, the Church of Scientology, Nobody,Bill O'Reilly, Somebody, Everybody, Big Bird, FOX News, your mom, Milli Vanilli, the mimes, Ted Koppel, Ted Koppel's hairdresser, Ted Koppel's hairdresser's ex-boyfriend, Ted Koppel's hairdresser's ex-boyfriend's second cousin twice removed, Subway's Jared, the mimes, Gary Coleman, the Peruvian finance minister, the Jamaican finance minister, Boy Scout Troop 95, me, the cast of "Cats", the entire population of Cleveland, Ohio, the squirrels outside my cell I give all my meds to, Rachel Manners, God, and the mimes.

Pay no attention to the man behind the (shower) curtain!

It is impossible to know which group is after you, so the best thing to do is to suspect them ALL. This list is NOT intended to be a complete list, and it is quite possible- indeed, more than likely- that other individuals and groups are out to get you. Furthermore, be wary of the duck-billed platypus (any animal which appears to be half bird and half mammal cannot be trusted). As a final note of caution, watch those mimes. They know more than they let on. MUCH more. Remember, those who say, don't know... and those who know, don't say. When's the last time you saw a mime say ANYTHING?!

Treatment

  • Lobotomy. The best treatment for schizophrenia is a lobotomy. A fully trained chicken slaughterhouse employee sticks a rusty iron bar up the patients nose and in to the frontal cortex. The brain is liquidised until either the patient says he feels better or he begins to dribble.
  • Medications. Treatment of schizophrenia is sometimes effectively DAMMIT CHARLES STOP HITTING ME treated through powerful medications THE MOON THE MOON THE MOON but only if the subject rigorously adheres OBEY THE VOICES AND GOD WILL OPEN ALL DOORS to a schedule of medications. Man, the squirrels outside my cell seem really, really calm today.
  • Electroshock. Thousands of volts to the head. Of limited use, but done properly, the patient will illuminate the room with a warm, comforting glow.
  • Therapy. Sit the patient down and let them talk, and talk, and talk; then charge them US$250 even though you didn't do anything. Repeat until the patient's bank account is exhausted.
  • Exorcism. Popular in the old days when schizophrenics were thought to be inhabited by demons; when it failed the schizophrenic was often burnt at the stake. Although exorcism has fallen out of favor, many insurance companies now promote burning at the stake as a treatment, because wood and gasoline are cheaper than either medications or therapy.
  • Follow the Patient Around. If the person is paranoid, follow them around everywhere, wearing dark glasses and a black suit. This doesn't actually do anything to help the patient, but it's a lot of fun.

Most common type of work

The main job for a schizophrenic is to scare people. A good schizophrenic never commits crime because the resulting straight jacket and padded cell would render him unable to scare the maximum number of people.

Examples of solid work:

  • Carrying replica swords in the shopping mall.
  • Stalking pregnant women.
  • Talking angrily to goblins on the train.
  • Starting a cult, like Mohammed or Jesus Christ.
  • Collecting guns, bonus points for having rocket launchers.
  • Telling ex-partners they possibly have AIDS.
  • Vice President of the USA.
  • Diplomat for earth.
  • Knitting sweaters for squirrels.
  • Heir to the Flying Spaghetti Monster's kingdom (that is, before they are horribly, horribly mauled and eaten by zombies).

Early death

Seclorum

The Flying Spaghetti Monster welcomes Schizophrenics to his kingdom with open arms!

So-called schizophrenics die on average about 10 years younger than the general population. This is because the FBI forces them to jump off bridges by convincing them that they can fly, or they foolishly stand in front of trains travelling at 100 m.p.h. and expect the train to stop when they say "halt". I've only seen that once.

Schizophrenics have also been known to be carried off by the Flying Spaghetti Monster so that they can go through a series of tests to become the next heir to the Flying Spaghetti Monster's kingdom and wage a war against the zombies.

Few schizophrenics survive these tests.

Schizophrenia on film

  • The Shining: Jack Nicholson plays a misunderstood writer.
  • Donnie Darko: Donnie has knives and hallucinates a giant rabbit. What more do you want?
  • A Beautiful Mind: An attempt to make people understand schizophrenia. Knives and giant rabbits are better.
  • Psycho: Demonstrates that bad mothering gives young people schizophrenia.
  • One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest: Nurse Ratched demonstrates that psychiatric nurses are more deranged than schizophrenics.
  • Pi: A guy who has a important life-changing number in his head and thinks people are out to get him. Or are they?

Anti-psychotic Medications

  • Risperidone/Risperidal: Guaranteed to make men lactate.
  • Chlorpromazine/Thorazine: Stare at the wall until it's time to start twitching uncontrollably again.
  • Haloperidol/Haldol: Likely to make you marry an asshole and completely forget your own name!

The Milkman

Have you seen the milkman?

  • Don't talk about the milkman. We must protect the milkman.
  • I am a grieving relative.
  • I am on the road crew I am repairing the road.
  • I am on the road crew.
  • I am on the road crew. This is my stop sign.
  • I like to shoot people. I am a ninja
  • Yes, we are on the road crew.

Have you seen the milkman? www.shopping-replica.com Again: Obi Wan says it's the Holosync guy. Its DHEA sex-steroids and will turn you into a psychodelic astronaut (Captain Obvious).

Spork This page was originally sporked from Inciclopedia.
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