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“I like good chicken curry, but I can’t eat it on Tuesdays”
“The biggest threat the world will ever face”
“I tried to fight him and stop him when he came into my universe, but he just kept on raping me. It was worse than Kryptonite. I just managed to get away by pointing at Invisible Woman”
Sayan (sometimes unwittingly pronounced Satan) is the most famous and active rapist (also the best mathematician, however he is now usually beaten by someone else) the world has ever known. He is especially feared for the fact that most of his victims die from their injuries immediately or soon after the process (although a few degenerates have been known to survive, see Martin Luther), and those that don't spend the rest of their lives dribbling and screaming in asylums. He has been on Earth through most of its history, and of anything as grown more powerful and evil over the years. Many rednecks in states like Alabama and Texas have been raped so many times that they can hardly function or speak properly (i.e. George W. Bush, although as you will read later on he was the result of mass rape), and have given the U.S a bad name. Sayan has had effects like this over the world, and started most wars for some reason or another. In this report I will go over Sayan's life and why he presents such a threat to the world today.
edit Sayan's Timeline
The origins of Sayan are unknown, but the generally accepted theory is that he was born in the fires of the Big Bang as an apparition of pure evil. Some extremists reject this theory, though, and said that he emerged from the ass of a giant galactic whore. However he was born, he still came to Earth in its early stages. The original copy of the Bible said that when he came to Earth, he roamed over the land until he came to the Garden of Eden and raped Adam and Eve, causing original sin. The shit about the fruit tree was put in later by embarassed priests who didn’t want the Holy book desecrated by that foul name.
Science tells us that Sayan came to Earth about one billion years ago, saw early life and fucked it. Animals evolved in hope that they could defeat Sayan, but he just went up to them and fucked them to death. Sayan slowed the progress of evolution in this way. When dinosaurs came along, Sayan was slightly irritated at their size, but then discovered his power of shape-changing and turned into one of his first and most horrible forms, a giant raping lizard. Many dinosaurs died from these disgusting attacks, and scientists were puzzled for years by a skeleton of a T-Rex with its tail broken off and the bones around its anus rubbed away until Sayan came to the museum with a tub of Vaseline and fucked it again, claiming it was for "good old times". Sayan experts have put forward theories that suggest that Sayan could have wiped out the last of the dinosaurs in this way. When they all were gone, Sayan was very sad and could only rape small rats.
When these rats evolved in the Ice Ages and turned into warm-blooded mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers, Sayan was very happy (note that Sayan only has two emotions: happiness due to rape and sadness because he has nothing to rape.). We're not sure of the shape that he took at this time, but some say it was a raping sloth or possibly a kangaroo. Sayan caused mass extinctions in this way, and it was a few million years later that humans came along and made their biggest mistake ever. They helped Sayan destroy the rest of these animals by hunting, and that was when Sayan turned his attention to us...
edit The Stone Age
Nobody can be sure what Sayan did in the Stone Age, but it can be almost certain that he slowed the advance of civilization by raping almost any human he saw. When pre-historic man discovered fire, they attempted to burn Sayan with it, but sadly as he was (and always will be) a world class rapist, he simply started to rape the fire and since it was hot he got even more excited, and the cave men who tried to burn him suffered a very horrible death, which is unspeakable and..and will not be described here or anywhere else. ANYWHERE ELSE, D'YOU HEAR ME? The reason why cave men carried big clubs and lived in caves was to hide and slow down Sayan, for when he started to rape a group the cave men would have pulled straws to see who would stay and bash Sayan with a club while the rest got away. Many times cave men tried blocking off the caves into which Sayan wandered, but a pile of rocks was never enough to keep him inside, since he just raped the rocks into dust. When the wheel was invented and cave men made carts to go down hills faster to get away it didn't work very well, since Sayan would shape-shift into a gorilla, and jump onto the cart with them, and then Sayan would rape all of them while going down the hill.
edit Middle Ages
During the Middle Ages, the reason why the Catholic Church split into Protestant and Catholic Churches wasn't because Martin Luther thought the Church was wrong but because he was the first victim of Sayan's Rape (by then considered a disease, Sayan had passed into legend) who lived to tell the tale. He felt so disgusting after the incident that the only way he saw of purifying himself so that he could go to heaven was to make his own religion. After Martin Luther, Sayan decided that he would rape famous people like the Pope, the Queen of England (apparently Elizabeth enjoyed it, the one reason why she didn't marry at all; Sayan came to visit here once in a month), the King of France, the King of Spain etc... He felt happy even when the great Protestant/Catholic wars started. Of all the lollerheads that died, he had many men to choose from and rape. Apparently it seems he may have enjoyed this. In reality during the marriage of Marguerite and Henry IV it wasn't the Catholics who massacred the Protestants it was Sayan who raped all of them, and the Catholics simply made up the masquerading simply because it would be very horrible to teach children during history class. Sayan also appeared later during the discovery of the Americas by Christopher Columbus, Sayan stowed away on the ship and raped rats, because he knew if he raped the crew then he would have nothing to fuck for a long time and he would die from rape deprivation (although experts aren't sure of that, seeing as nothing can truly harm him). When the boat arrived at the Americas about 20 crew members had gone missing, but luckily for the rest of the crew Sayan slipped out and started raping American Indians. They were so frightened of the thing they called the "Kalotsfuka" which means "Big Strange God Child-Stealer" that by the time the Europeans found them that they couldn't defend themselves and were taken into slavery.
edit Modern Life
Sayan is all around us even though we hear about him nowhere. The news, the newspapers, the internet, - even South Park - every one of them chooses to shun Sayan as a subject because the subject matter is extremely difficult to talk about, because Sayan knows if anyone mentions any one of his names. Then he comes to get you, depending upon who you are. Any man needs to be careful when insulting anyone...if by mistake they utter his name, they might be thoroughly fucked by the next morning. Ring a bell anyone? J.K. Rowling had heard of Sayan, probably got raped by him as well(probably one of the only ones to have enjoyed it), and decided to use this aspect of his powers to put in one of her characters...you know which.
Please, give the URL of this article to your friends, family, anyone you know, even if you hate them. Don't tell them the URL, though, since it contains his name, but rather write it, give it to them and underline the Dark Fucker's name. They've got to know about him. Being raped by Sayan is a fate worse than death; one victim even said: "I'd rather have all my fingernails and toenails ripped out, have all my skin shaved off with a rusty bloody razor and then be thrown into a vat of acidic saltwater and drown slowly then have that... Thing... do that to me again..."
The Iraqi War was caused by Sayan shape-shifting into a man called Saddam Hussein and taking over the country of Iraq. Many people "disappeared" during that time, but it was really due to Saddam a.k.a Sayan taking people into his study and raping them until they turned to dust (ever heard the expression blown into smithereens?). Sayan was not George W. Bush, as I explained earlier he was just the result of mass raping. Also, the only quality of Sayan is his vast intelligence (along with his ingenuity at math), with which he used to solve the problem of raping multiple people at one time (We still don't know the solution. Sayan does though.). George W. Bush clearly does not possess vast intelligence, in fact it is questioned whether he has a brain at all due to mass inbreeding and rape on Sayan's part.
edit Sayan Fact File
Names: 'Sayan' ('Satan'), 'The Grim Raper', 'What the Fuck Was That?', and of course, your mom.
Names given by KS followers: The Pleasure God, Metamath, Screwer (they evoke this name in their prayers, usually followed by "screw me again")
Appearance: Currently an ageless, intangible entity, but other forms include a giant lizard, gorilla, shadow, snake (just imagine...), panda, a succubus, and your favourite worst nightmare.
Likes: Any male of any species, mud, curry, cho' pappa bitch.
Dislikes: Bad curry, apples, horror movies (he accuses the makers of plagiarizing his work).
History: See all of above.
Records: Currently holds all speed related records around the world (kept in archives in KS temples). Some even presume he is timeless as he goes faster than light (and probably rapes it as well), and also holds the records of most pairs of jeans ripped apart in a minute (1'023).
edit Sayan's Anthem
(In the rhythm of Iron Man by Ozzy Osbourne, sung with a fake heavy Indian accent)
I am Sayan,
Raping people in my van,
First I calculate their mass,
Then I fuck them in the ass,
Then I rape them in their bed,
Oh yes... I like it.
edit The Kult of Sayan
First and foremost, you should know that there are two branches of the Kult of Sayan. The KS:1 is an unfortunate branch of the KKK. They worship Sayan, singing evil, perverted hymns to him, have buttsex in front of statues of him, and eat huge amounts of extra-spicy curry for him (they later vomit it up). The average lifespan of a KS:1er, if they keep to all the proper rituals, is about a year. They try to live the day-to-day life of Sayan, but obviously since they are mere mortal humans their bodies cannot stand this kind of treatment. Therefore they pray to Sayan, who accords them part of his unimaginable power (but a really really insignificant bit of it) so as to allow them to survive for some time. This cult currently has ninety-four members, half of whom are rednecks.
The second branch, known as the KS:masters, are the perverse few who have enjoyed being raped by Sayan in the past and created temples for him in almost every country. There they lead their unutterable "prayers" and act out, shall we say, their dances to honor him, so that he would rape them again. All the members of this branch are females, as they strictly forbid males to enter this branch and force them to stay in the KS:1 section. These people are usually high placed in society, and they achieve that by using the power of Sayan to entrance rich fat CEOs (and then obviously they do things which shall not be said here. OR ANYWHERE ELSE.) The amount of members in this branch is constant, as some are cured, but new ones join and keep the number static.
== Note to all readers: If you actually believe all the shit that has been written here you are a complete and utter idiot. (Ed) ==