Saxophone

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“Back in my day, saxophones were smeared with various jams and eaten. Wait, no, that's not right.”
~ Oscar Wilde on saxophones

“I have a good sax life. No, that's not right, either.”
~ Oscar Wilde on saxophones
“Sax-o-ma-phone. Sax-o-ma-phone.”
~ Homer Simpson on playing Beethoven's 5th Symphony on a saxophone

Saxophonist: 1. Saxophonists (aka "Sexyphonies") are the awesome muses of the music world. Rejected by other form of organised recitals (including symphony orchestra and the flute choir (obviously)), they are often found in their own special group or jizz band.

2. A saxophone is not a musical instrument, it is a speaker of a Saxon language.

3. A saxophone is a woodwind instrument, the word 'woodwind' coming from a greek translation meaning 'the sound a big tree makes as it is flung through the air during a rather large gale of wind' which later was just shortened to 'ww' for the obvious.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Saxophone.

4. Saxophonists hate all trumpets. They will attack any "trumpoot" on sight.

5. As has been pointed out already been point once - Saxophone players are sexy. However, some varieties of saxophonists are sexier than others; for example, tenors are far more attractive than the so-called "soprano saxophone", which is really just a weak attempt made by clarinet players at being heard over the sexier tenors.

The facts

Complex sax

The saxophone is a highly versatile, if heavy and unwieldy instrument.

Saxophonists are very attached to their saxophone... literally. They are joined with their beloved through a high-tech hooker device known as a neckstrap. This neckstrap, as it is known, helps to keep the saxophone erect, blowable and versatile.

Saxophones have only 2 dynamics (band geek for volume), loud and louder(Saxy and Saxyer). It is well known that saxophonists (those who dabble in sax) "give it beans" in all situations, blocking out all unnecessary harmonies such as the flute and clarinet.

Saxophones do it because they can, and because they know what they are doing.

How to Identify the Breeds

Saxophones come in as many shapes and sizes there are versions of Linux. (Yes, there are 17 types, but only 4 are the most common.)

Soprano Players: A cross-over breed called upon for sappy solos and to melt the ice of every crazy PMSing bitch in the hall. It becomes a contest to see who can move their eyebrows the most, and most often than not, makes them easily mistaken for clarinet players. This makes them reclusive moreso. That and their only role model is Kenny G. This makes them unstable emotionally, but they WILL cut you if you ask them "What kind of clarinet is that?" Warning! - If at all possible, avoid approaching this species. It will subtly attempt to lure you in until you (and indeed, itself) have passed "The Shrieking Range", a torture too horrid to describe without the ability to turn lemon juice into sound.The sapranos evolved from the elven archers of isildurs forces and have no respect for anyone other than themselves.

Alto Players: Are the ego. They honestly are The Sax. Haulling thier own brass infront of the section every single freggin time they solo does that to thier minds. They idolise themselves, or, when proven wrong, will justify with "Charlie would have done it better." They also tend to mock trumpets that know nothing. What is the difference in size of an alto and tenor sax? Nothing, it's an optical illusion because the alto players junk is much bigger. The most amazing girls you will ever meet, will play the alto... these are the descendants of the footsoldiers of the legions of Isildur. They can hold their own in the volume of the band especially on high notes. Subspicies The section leader- usualy either a hidden player or the coolest person ever. While the second is preferable you will most often encounter the first use caution when approaching and dont do anything remotely fun around them for they will "slowly suck out your soul". However, they are trying to learn your style, and will burst out into sexyphony-ness the moment you turn your head. The true sexophonist-the best player in the section can play altissimo eighth note runs that the section leader can only gawk at. Normally unnaturaly tall these are always friends with the coolest person ever type section leader. The regular people- this is completely wrong because all saxophonists are far superior to everyone else in the band.

Tenor Players: Evolved from the knights of isildurs forces they are the perfect balance between power and versitility allowing it to blast a high F just as well as a low B flat. The Tenors are in fact the sexiest of all the saxophones. Tenors are also the smartest of the saxophones knowing to respect the tubas and euphoniums due to their common cause in the wars in middle earth. Tenors are constantly complaining of their right thumbs hurting due to having to support 13 lbs of brass on a single finger, although these beasts can do it without complaining they state its just so much fun to complain it has become sub-concious. Tenor sexophonists excell in everything they do from simply dominating the band to fighting wars across the universe (see star wars). Take every jazz solo available, for the tenors sexy sound will seduce any and everyone.

Subspicies

The god- are the best players in the band playing in both flute and baritone ranges in the same run consequently they are despised by both. This person will normally do 2-3 sports throughout the year and will be equipped with bulging muscles and a six-pack thus enhancing their sex life immenseley. The heroes- everyone else in the section because tenors are either awesome or awesomer. these people are the heart of the band undoubtedly if they left the band would completely collapse and resort to killing each other.

Baritone Players: Let's face it, when you play an instrument that big and sexy, you've gotta have a sense of humour. These people are random and make cracks like they were a cool Oscar Wilde. Generally, you'll find an extra-awesome kid playing the bari, because they are the only ones who can afford to break their back playing it and still have chops to play the thing.Typically a bari player will be a converted tenor player. Asian bari players DO exist [EDIT: The ones who do are godly]. However, when you find a female bari player: Run; They bring sexy back in a way that will make the world explode. GOOD LORD THEY ARE SMOKIN' HOT!!! If you do find a girl bari player maybe you should consider asking them out because they know how to blow extremely well and they're obviously a sex god.

Bass Sax Players: Usually have body odor and autistic spectrum disorders.

Kenny G: He's fucking awesome!

Saxophone Life Cycle

All saxophones are born as Altos which feed of sexy jazz solos and concert pieces. Then the males separate from the females as the males will become tenors then bari saxes while the females will live the rest of their life as the sad, small sopranos.

Main Music Genres

The Saxophone mainly plays music such as... well, a saxophone is such a flippin' saxy instrument that people can't relate it to any music genre. That's because what the saxophone really plays can not be considered "music" - it is far too awesome to be considered. A more appropriate term would be "the sound of a thousand angels". Many have been persuaded to not commit suicide just by hearing a saxophone's beautiful tone. And on the contrary many have commited suicide because they know they will never be able to match the awesomeness of it.

The Origin of the Saxophone

Saxophones originated as one of the origional fighting forces under Isildur during the origional conquest of middle earth. In this conquest the evil trumpets and trombones had taken the great ring for morgoth. The future saxophonists were rallied into the war when their colonies in mordor were destroyed. Once the tubas and euphoniums (not baritones because they suck) had the backing of the future saxes they surged forth and took mordor. Once the great king Isildur had obtained the one ring the captain of the saxophones tried in vain to convince the king to destroy the ring which would later be reforged into a sousaphone (see tuba page). After the death of Isildur at the hands of goblin archers the saxophones broke away from the army and became sentinels waiting for the heir of Isildur to claim the throne.

During this period of silence some of those destined to be saxophones turned their idle time to use. A group of those to become tenors and a couple altos built a grand armada and sailed westward. Soon the survivors of multiple sea battles with serpents, even the mighty hydra fell to this extremely sexy and awesome fighting force. Soon the group of just future tenors reached the continent of Ansalon and quickly made their way to the province of Solomnia. These travelors quickly became idols of the solomnics due to their feirce sense of honor and their great battle (and sex) skills. The future tenors created the third branch of the solomnic Knighthood the order of the rose.

The great Ansalonian god Paladine smiled upon the newly created order and gifted them with the first saxophone (records show it was an alto). The newly named saxophonists (origionally derrived from the elven word sexofonius meaning sexiest person ever) realized the instrument was too small to pay true tribute to Palidine. The greatest engineers of the order of the rose meet in Palanthas for three weeks and the product was a set of ten new Tenor Saxophones. When the saxophonists played these new instruments Paladine smiled on them yet again and blessed all who play these instruments great strength and power and honor.

The tenor saxophonists continued to keep residence in Ansalon through the time of the cataclysm. during this time they fought in the first dragon war against the Queen of darkness an evil diety who rose to oppose Paladine. The Queen of darkness had not counted on the saxophonists who had Palidine's blessing. The tenors while origionally taken by surprise by the dragon armies but once again the council of engineers met and designed the dragon lance (which is actually a tenor saxophone which has ben bent into the shape of a lance) which could kill a dragon instantly. The resourceful saxophones had also obtained an advantage over the dragons they had learned to ride the beasts. So riding on the dragons armed with dragon lances the saxophonists under the command of Huma (one of the greatest saxophonists ever) sent the queen of darkness back to her prison amongst the stars.

Meanwhile the other future saxophonists explored middle earth and dicovered an ancient portal. The great council fo the saxophonists agreed to send a force of warriors (made up of sopranos, altos,and baris because the tenors were in ansalon at the time with the exception of a small group who brought the gift of the saxophone back to middle earth) into the portal. They immerged into the magical land of narnia. Here they met people of a future time who were filming a documentary known as "the lion the which and the wardrobe" the great saxes not only were starred in this documentary but they also provided all the music for it (some people claim to have heard flutes and tubas but they are really hearing soprano and alto saxes).

The saxophonists were critical to many battles fought in narnia but the side the saxes were on always came out victorious. In the end the saxophones were not given the thrones a cair paravel due to them not being humans but beings of pure awesomeness and sex. The saxophonists stayed in narnia and were featured in two more documentaries before Aslan (a good friend of Paladine and Aragorn) informed the saxophonists (altos, sopranos,and baris) that the heir to the throne had returned to middle earth.

Once the great heir came about the saxophones came out of hiding to aid the dunedain once more. While they did not fight in the final battle to destroy the tuba of destruction, they did ride with the rohirrim to liberate Helms Deep and Minas Tirith. In these battles the trumpets which were besieging the cities instantly broke formation at the sight of tenor saxophonists riding with Aragorn (this includes the oliphants being ridden by dark baritiones) allowing the alto footsoldiers to easily reclaim the cities. Once the mighty tuba and euphonium forces destroyed the instrument that had shamed them the saxophones once again waited and watched.

Over the next thousand or so years the saxophones were sighted aiding William Wallace. One sighting documented in 37A.D. the saxophones were marching with the roman legions and led a very successful campaign across Europe. The leader of the legion of saxophones knew his warriors were too strong to be following the commands of a deficient empire and broke away to aid the germanic tribes pushing romes borders.

Several hundred years later the great saxophone warriors rose to the public eye again as U.S. soldiers. Once again they took the lead of the pacific forces leading the marines on a very successful purge of the pacific isles, the sopranos once again picking up their age old occupation of snipers while the stronger tenors were hailed as Navy S.E.A.L.s. The altos became the footsoldiers of the U.S.M.C. and baritone players excelled as tank commanders. Today they focus on more important battles such as keeping the peace between brass players and woodwind.

Role In History

Originally called the sexophone, the saxophone was traditionally viewed as a unifying instrument between the brass and woodwinds. Before the invention of the saxophone, entire orchestras were wiped off the face of the Earth through civil wars which would often break out during Baroque pieces. Ten thousand clarinets were slain at the hands of hundreds of trombones in The Great Clarinet Massacre of 1337.

The next such civil war ended in tradgety for both sides. The clarinets aided by the trumpoots charged out of the woods to the east while the trombones and baritones (not euphonium because they are too cool to get involved in civil wars) charged from the east. Both sides ran into a double line of saxophones who engaged the assailants in vicious instrument to instrument combat. The battle ended with both the trumpoot-clarinet alliance and the trombone-baritone alliance being decimated while the saxophones only lost a few of their own. This is the basis for the hatred between saxophones and trumpoots.

The saxophone laid low in the weeds for many years while the musical world recreated itself. It emerged again and took the world by storm in 1841, when an ex-French Horn player decided to put up his boring stupid insrument and pick up the far superior saxophone. His name was Aldophe Sax; he renamed the sexually naughty instrument the saxophone after his surname.

The saxophone eventually decimated the worlds of jazz, military band, and even forced some of the orchestras to accept it and create the henceforth named symphonic band. The entire world bowed to the amazingness of the saxophone.

In more recent times the saxophone has been used to make sweet love to the ears of anyone in range. There have been 16 reported cases of saxophone related sex in the past week. The number of children conceived to or from sax music now numbers in the hundreds of thousands. That is why saxophones are banned in China.

See Also

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