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“Back in my day, saxophones were smeared with various jams and eaten. Wait, no, that's not right.”
“I have a good sax life. No, that's not right, either.”
“2-5-I play the saxophone! See how I resolved to that statement?”
“Practice safe sax.”
“I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite instrument on the Citadel.”
Saxophonist: 1. Saxophonists(aka "Sexyphonies") are the awesome muses of the music world. Rejected by other form of organised recitals (including symphony orchestra and the flute choir (obviously)), they are often found in their own special group (or jizz band).
2. A saxophone is not a musical instrument, it is a way of life. A friggin shit awesome way, but nonetheless a way of life.
3. A saxophone is a woodwind instrument, the word 'woodwind' coming from a greek translation meaning 'the sound a big tree makes as it is flung through the air during a rather large gale of wind' which later was just shortened to 'ww' for the obvious.
4. It is a commonly known fact that every saxophonist hates any and all trumpets. They will attack any "trumpoot" on sight.
5. As has been pointed out already been point once - Saxophone players are sexy. However, some varieties of saxophonists are sexier than others; for example, tenors are far more attractive than the so-called "soprano saxophone", which is really just a weak attempt made by clarinet players at being heard over the sexier tenors.
Saxophonists are very attached to their saxophone... literally. They are joined with their beloved through a high-tech hooker device known as a neckstrap. This neckstrap, as it is known, helps to keep the saxophone erect, blowable and versatile.
Saxophones have only 2 dynamics (band geek for volume), loud and louder(Saxy and Saxyer). It is well known that saxophonists (those who dabble in sax) "give it beans" in all situations, blocking out all unnecessary harmonies such as the flute and clarinet.
Saxophones do it because they can, and because they know what they are doing.
- STACY GRAY
Bleeding Gums Murphy (Look out for his number one record "sax on the beach" its a real WINNER!)
Charlie Parker (AKA Birdy bird)
Nicole Cuntapay (AKA the best sax player Asian ninja ever)
Michael (Star) Trecker
Sun E. Raw Lin
Andrew Stihl, inventor of the chainsaw, from which most saxophonists take their inspiration.
Bob Vila (I mean come on he rocks!)
Bill Clinton (since he gets laid every night, even if by fat chicks, and was the president)
Sexy Sax Man
Saxophones are told to look up to the french horns, but as they grow, they realize that... it's too easy. Horn players can't actually get jobs in jazz bands.
SCREW YOU ELI WEIS!!!
Thomas Curtis. (He's also the bad ass woodwind captain that everyone loves, I'm just saying.)
Clarence Clemons (R.I.P.) (Man did Born To Run and Jungleland with Bruce Springsteen. He was and is more than half of the appeal of the E Street Band)
Zoot, from [Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem]
How to Identify the Breeds
As aforementioned, saxophones come in as many shapes and sizes there are versions of Linux. (Yes, there are 17 types, but only 4 are the most common.)
Soprano Players: A cross-over breed called upon for sappy solos and to melt the ice of every crazy PMSing bitch in the hall. It becomes a contest to see who can move their eyebrows the most, and most often than not, makes them easily mistaken for clarinet players. This makes them reclusive moreso. That and their only role model is Kenny G. This makes them unstable emotionally, but they WILL cut you if you ask them "What kind of clarinet is that?" Warning! - If at all possible, avoid approaching this species. It will subtly attempt to lure you in until you (and indeed, itself) have passed "The Shrieking Range", a torture too horrid to describe without the ability to turn lemon juice into sound.The sapranos evolved from the elven archers of isildurs forces and have no respect for anyone other than themselves.
Alto Players: Are the ego. They honestly are The Sax. Haulling thier own brass infront of the section every single freggin time they solo does that to thier minds. They idolise themselves, or, when proven wrong, will justify with "Charlie would have done it better." They also tend to mock trumpets that know nothing. What is the difference in size of an alto and tenor sax? Nothing, it's an optical illusion because the alto players junk is much bigger. The most amazing girls you will ever meet, will play the alto... these are the descendants of the footsoldiers of the legions of Isildur. They can hold their own in the volume of the band especially on high notes. Subspicies The section leader- usualy either a hidden player or the coolest person ever. While the second is preferable you will most often encounter the first use caution when approaching and dont do anything remotely fun around them for they will "slowly suck out your soul". However, they are trying to learn your style, and will burst out into sexyphony-ness the moment you turn your head. The true sexophonist-the best player in the section can play altissimo eighth note runs that the section leader can only gawk at. Normally unnaturaly tall these are always friends with the coolest person ever type section leader. The regular people- this is completely wrong because all saxophonists are far superior to everyone else in the band.
Tenor Players: Evolved from the knights of isildurs forces they are the perfect balance between power and versitility allowing it to blast a high F just as well as a low B flat. The Tenors are in fact the sexiest of all the saxophones. Tenors are also the smartest of the saxophones knowing to respect the tubas and euphoniums due to their common cause in the wars in middle earth. Tenors are constantly complaining of their right thumbs hurting due to having to support 13 lbs of brass on a single finger, although these beasts can do it without complaining they state its just so much fun to complain it has become sub-concious. Tenor sexophonists excell in everything they do from simply dominating the band to fighting wars across the universe (see star wars). Take every jazz solo available, for the tenors sexy sound will seduce any and everyone. Subspicies The god- are the best players in the band playing in both flute and baritone ranges in the same run consequently they are despised by both. This person will normally do 2-3 sports throughout the year and will be equipped with bulging muscles and a six-pack thus enhancing their sex life immenseley. The heroes- everyone else in the section because tenors are either awesome or awesomer. these people are the heart of the band undoubtedly if they left the band would completely collapse and resort to killing each other.
Baritone Players: Let's face it, when you play an instrument that big and sexy, you've gotta have a sense of humour. These people are random and make cracks like they were a cool Oscar Wilde. Generally, you'll find an extra-awesome kid playing the bari, because they are the only ones who can afford to break their back playing it and still have chops to play the thing.Typically a bari player will be a converted tenor player. Asian bari players DO exist [EDIT: The ones who do are godly]. However, when you find a female bari player: Run; They bring sexy back in a way that will make the world explode. GOOD LORD THEY ARE SMOKIN' HOT!!! If you do find a girl bari player maybe you should consider asking them out because they know how to blow extremely well and they're obviously a sex god.
Bass Sax Players: Usually have body odor and autistic spectrum disorders.
Saxophone Life Cycle
All saxophones are born as Altos which feed of sexy jazz solos and concert pieces. Then the males separate from the females as the males will become tenors then bari saxes while the females will live the rest of their life as the sad, small sopranos
Main Music Genres
The Saxophone mainly plays music such as... well, a saxophone is such a flippin' saxy instrument that people can't relate it to any music genre. That's because what the saxophone really plays can not be considered "music" - it is far too awesome to be considered. A more appropriate term would be "the sound of a thousand angels". Many have been persuaded to not commit suicide just by hearing a saxophone's beautiful tone. And on the contrary many have commited suicide because they know they will never be able to match the awesomeness of it.
The Origin of the Saxophone
Saxophones originated as one of the origional fighting forces under Isildur during the origional conquest of middle earth. In this conquest the evil trumpets and trombones had taken the great ring for morgoth. The future saxophonists were rallied into the war when their colonies in mordor were destroyed. Once the tubas and euphoniums (not baritones because they suck) had the backing of the future saxes they surged forth and took mordor. Once the great king Isildur had obtained the one ring the captain of the saxophones tried in vain to convince the king to destroy the ring which would later be reforged into a sousaphone (see tuba page). After the death of Isildur at the hands of goblin archers the saxophones broke away from the army and became sentinels waiting for the heir of Isildur to claim the throne.
During this period of silence some of those destined to be saxophones turned their idle time to use. A group of those to become tenors and a couple altos built a grand armada and sailed westward. Soon the survivors of multiple sea battles with serpents, even the mighty hydra fell to this extremely sexy and awesome fighting force. Soon the group of just future tenors reached the continent of Ansalon and quickly made their way to the province of Solomnia. These travelors quickly became idols of the solomnics due to their feirce sense of honor and their great battle (and sex) skills. The future tenors created the third branch of the solomnic Knighthood the order of the rose.
The great Ansalonian god Paladine smiled upon the newly created order and gifted them with the first saxophone (records show it was an alto). The newly named saxophonists (origionally derrived from the elven word sexofonius meaning sexiest person ever) realized the instrument was too small to pay true tribute to Palidine. The greatest engineers of the order of the rose meet in Palanthas for three weeks and the product was a set of ten new Tenor Saxophones. When the saxophonists played these new instruments Paladine smiled on them yet again and blessed all who play these instruments great strength and power and honor.
The tenor saxophonists continued to keep residence in Ansalon through the time of the cataclysm. during this time they fought in the first dragon war against the Queen of darkness an evil diety who rose to oppose Paladine. The Queen of darkness had not counted on the saxophonists who had Palidine's blessing. The tenors while origionally taken by surprise by the dragon armies but once again the council of engineers met and designed the dragon lance (which is actually a tenor saxophone which has ben bent into the shape of a lance) which could kill a dragon instantly. The resourceful saxophones had also obtained an advantage over the dragons they had learned to ride the beasts. So riding on the dragons armed with dragon lances the saxophonists under the command of Huma (one of the greatest saxophonists ever) sent the queen of darkness back to her prison amongst the stars.
Meanwhile the other future saxophonists explored middle earth and dicovered an ancient portal. The great council fo the saxophonists agreed to send a force of warriors (made up of sopranos, altos,and baris because the tenors were in ansalon at the time with the exception of a small group who brought the gift of the saxophone back to middle earth) into the portal. They immerged into the magical land of narnia. Here they met people of a future time who were filming a documentary known as "the lion the which and the wardrobe" the great saxes not only were starred in this documentary but they also provided all the music for it (some people claim to have heard flutes and tubas but they are really hearing soprano and alto saxes).
The saxophonists were critical to many battles fought in narnia but the side the saxes were on always came out victorious. In the end the saxophones were not given the thrones a cair paravel due to them not being humans but beings of pure awesomeness and sex. The saxophonists stayed in narnia and were featured in two more documentaries before Aslan (a good friend of Paladine and Aragorn) informed the saxophonists (altos, sopranos,and baris) that the heir to the throne had returned to middle earth.
Once the great heir came about the saxophones came out of hiding to aid the dunedain once more. While they did not fight in the final battle to destroy the tuba of destruction, they did ride with the rohirrim to liberate Helms Deep and Minas Tirith. In these battles the trumpets which were besieging the cities instantly broke formation at the sight of tenor saxophonists riding with Aragorn (this includes the oliphants being ridden by dark baritiones) allowing the alto footsoldiers to easily reclaim the cities. Once the mighty tuba and euphonium forces destroyed the instrument that had shamed them the saxophones once again waited and watched.
Over the next thousand or so years the saxophones were sighted aiding William Wallace. One sighting documented in 37A.D. the saxophones were marching with the roman legions and led a very successful campaign across Europe. The leader of the legion of saxophones knew his warriors were too strong to be following the commands of a deficient empire and broke away to aid the germanic tribes pushing romes borders.
Several hundred years later the great saxophone warriors rose to the public eye again as U.S. soldiers. Once again they took the lead of the pacific forces leading the marines on a very successful purge of the pacific isles, the sopranos once again picking up their age old occupation of snipers while the stronger tenors were hailed as Navy S.E.A.L.s. The altos became the footsoldiers of the U.S.M.C. and baritone players excelled as tank commanders. Today they focus on more important battles such as keeping the peace between brass players and woodwind.
1. Thou shalt always flirt with all who are in thy band except the flutes for ( the majority of them) art teases and thou wilt never get anywhere with them. However most of them are actually head-over-heels in love with thou ( how could they not be?) and are too shy to show it.
2. Thou shalt flirt with all those outside of thy band.
3. Thou shalt flirt with all those inside another band. The reason for this is because, one) thou art a saxophone and two) thous wishes to bring said other band member into the fold.
4. Thou shalt make sexual gestures with thy mouth piece.
5. Thou shalt play thy Saxophone on the right or in the middle, nay the left.
6. Thou shalt always mock thy Trombone players, even if they are right.
7. Thou shalt always play louder, for thy Band Director can never get enough Saxophone sound.
8. Thou shalt get extremely excited over a new box of reeds.
9. Thou shalt always refer to thy self as Sexyphone.
10. Thou shalt decree all Trumpet players as obnoxious posers with small penises who can not tongue as thou can.
11. Thou shalt fight with the Dumb Majors, as the Dumb Majors are always wrong.
12. Thou shalt not date musicians who are saxophonists. But why? Thou may ask? Because it is rare to have a girl sexaphonist in thou section, and unless thou art gay, thou shall not date your section members. If you are lucky enough to have a female in thou section ASK HER OUT for she is a SEXY beast!
13. Thou shalt never regard the French Horns as equals, for this is never the case, you are better than them, no matter what anyone says.
14. Thy musical line shalt always be more important than the line of the clarinets and flutes.
15. Thou shalt not play without a neckstrap, for this is sacrilegious and does not make thou cool.
16. Thou shalt not glorify spit.
17. Thou shalt build a Wall of Sax in thy jazz band for Saxophones are the most important.
18. Thou shalt decree the tempo, dynamic and balance of every piece.
19. Thou shalt always consider using thy sax as a weapon (if need be of course).
20. Thou shalt always carry thyself proudly after all thee do have a noble bloodline.
21. Thou shalt always respect the tubas unless given a good reason, as they are thy ancient allies.
22. Thou shalt never consider the drum line as an equal section.
23. Thou shalt always strive to outplay the trumpet in every aspect of music.
24. Thou shalt enjoy the mellophone as an instrument, for its success at replicating the glorious saxophone sound.
25. If thine dumb major decrees that thou needest increase thine volume increase it by no more than 3 steps.
26. Thou shalt always blame anything wrong with thy band on the trumpets.
27. Thou shalt never complain of the weather during a rehearsal.
28. Thou shalt decree the baritones as kiss-asses and raise thyself above them.
29. Thou shalt always make fun of the clarinets for being small and quiet and painful to thine ears.
30. Remember the band is thy domain so rule it like a boss.
31. Thou shalt play careless whispers at random and inappropriate times.
32. Thou shalt always covet your placements, especially in jazz band. None shall play thy part but thee.
33. Have confidence in thy playing, for none play better than thou.
34. Thou shalt always practice safe sax
35. Thou shalt respect thy SAXtion leader.
36. Thou shalt refer to saxophone sectionals as either SAXtionals, or GROUP SAX.
Role In History
Originally called the sexophone, the saxophone was traditionally viewed as a unifying instrument between the brass and woodwinds. Before the invention of the saxophone, entire orchestras were wiped off the face of the Earth through civil wars which would often break out during Baroque pieces. Ten thousand clarinets were slain at the hands of hundreds of trombones in The Great Clarinet Massacre of 1337.
The next such civil war ended in tradgety for both sides. The clarinets aided by the trumpoots charged out of the woods to the east while the trombones and baritones (not euphonium because they are too cool to get involved in civil wars) charged from the east. Both sides ran into a double line of saxophones who engaged the assailants in vicious instrument to instrument combat. The battle ended with both the trumpoot-clarinet alliance and the trombone-baritone alliance being decimated while the saxophones only lost a few of their own. This is the basis for the hatred between saxophones and trumpoots.
The saxophone laid low in the weeds for many years while the musical world recreated itself. It emerged again and took the world by storm in 1841, when an ex-French Horn player decided to put up his boring stupid insrument and pick up the far superior saxophone. His name was Aldophe Sax; he renamed the sexually naughty instrument the saxophone after his surname.
The saxophone eventually decimated the worlds of jazz, military band, and even forced some of the orchestras to accept it and create the henceforth named symphonic band. The entire world bowed to the amazingness of the saxophone.
In more recent times the saxophone has been used to make sweet love to the ears of anyone in range. There have been 16 reported cases of saxophone related sex in the past week. The number of children conceived to or from sax music now numbers in the hundreds of thousands. That is why saxophones are banned in China.
The first saxophones were gifts from paladine but he also gifted mankind with the steps to make one. First you must gather platinum, or magma from Mount Doom for the construction process 3lbs for a soprano 5lbs for an alto 13lbs for a tenor 20lbs for a bari. Then you must travel to pluto and get the mineral saxoPWNium (which is only known to saxophonists). Next you slay 19 dragons and a sea serpent and cut out their hearts and take their skins. Tan the hides of the dragons for use as reinforcement for the platinum/Doom magma. Build a fire of the hearts of the dragons and the sea serpent and craft the saxophone over it using a granite hammer weighing 50lbs. Finally you must have sex with Olivia Wilde and have the saxophone present, this fills the intrument with the extreme awesomeness required.
1) Use protection - wear a neckstrap. Safe sax is better than no sax at all. Remember that, kids.
2) Blow hard. NO, harder than that.
3) Look like you know what you're doing. Most saxophonists choose to wear shades to hide the joy in their eyes at that written solo so they seem serious.
4) Tuning - Fuck it.
5) Movement - Always use hardcore body movements so that everyone notices you. Use every part of your body to move.
6) Give it beans - better to be loud, wrong and the center of attention than quiet and lonely.
7) Whack everything in the altissimo range - because you can.
8) Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers around.
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