Saxophone
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“In my day, saxophones were smeared with various jams and eaten. Wait, no, that's not right.”
~ Oscar Wilde on saxophones
“I have a good sax life. No, that's not right, either.”
~ Oscar Wilde on saxophones
“It's not THAT hard to play a saxophone. All you have to do is dub over some John Coltrane piece.”
~ Kenny G on saxophones
“It is hard to play a saxophone. Now shut up. I have to roll over in my grave, thanks to you.”
~ John Coltrane on Kenny G
Saxophonist:
1. Saxophonists(aka "Sexyphonists")are the nocturnal reclusises of the music world. Rejected from all other form of organised reciatals (including symphony orchestra and the flute choir), they are often found in their own special group (or jazz band).
2. A saxophone is not a musical instrument, it is a way of life.
3. A saxophone is a woodwind instrument, the word 'woodwind' coming from a greek translation meaning 'the sound a big tree makes as it is flung through the air during a rather large gale of wind' which later was just shortened to 'ww' for the obvious.
4. It is a commonly known fact that every saxophonist hates any and all clarinetists. They will attack any "clarinut" on sight.
Contents |
[edit] The facts
Saxophonists are very attached to their saxophone...literally. They are literally joined with their beloved through a high-tech hooker device known as a "sling". This "sling", as it is known, helps to keep the saxophone erect, blowable and versatile.
Saxophones have only 2 volumes, loud and louder. It is well known that saxophonists (those who dabble in sax) "give it beans" in all situations, blocking out all unnesseccary harmonies such as the flute and clarinet.
Saxophones do it "because they can"
[edit] Saxophone Idols
Charlie Parker (AKA Birdy bird)
Rascher
Cold-Train
Saxophones are told to look up to the french horns, but as they grow, they realize that... lol french hornz r nubz they cant hit 15va G
[edit] How to Identify the Breeds
As aforementioned, saxophones come in as many shapes and sizes there are versions of Linux. (Yes, there are 17 types, but only 4 work right.)
Soprano Players: A cross-over breed called upon for sappy solos and to melt the ice of every crazy PMSing bitch in the hall. It becomes a contest to see who can move their eyebrows the most, and most often than not, makes them easily mistaken for clarinet players. This makes them reclusive moreso. That and thier only role model is Kenny G. This makes them unstable emotionally.
Alto Players: Are the ego. They honestly believe they are The Sex. Haulling thier own brass infront of the section every single freggin time they solo does that to thier minds. They idolise themselves, or, when proven wrong, will justify with "Charlie would have done it better."
Tenor Players: Are so very VERY shy. But don't be too confident about it, oh no, they'll kick your ass when you're not looking as they solo the shit out of that 12 bar blues. These, my friends, will make you fantastise about having your very own as a pet. Oh, and they were probably a big black guy in a past life, it's just they're a little dweeb with glasses in this one, so they gotta make the best of it by taking you by suprise. If they ever say " I pity the foo'." something big is going down of apocolyptic size.
Baritone Players: Let's face it, when you play an instrument that big and anti-sexy, you've gotta have a sense of humour. These people are random and make cracks like they were a cool Oscar Wilde. Generally, you'll find the jock playing the bari, because they are the only ones who can afford to break thier back playing it and still have chops to play the thing. Asian bari players do not exist. However, when you find a female bari player: Run; They bring sexy back in a way that will make the world asplode.
Kenny G: He's fucking awesome!
[edit] Main Music Genres
The Saxophone mainly plays music such as... Well, a Saxophone is such a multi-genre directioned instrument that people can't relate it to any music genre there is. That's because what the saxophone really plays can not be considered "music". A more appropriate term would be "God-like". Many have been persuaded away from suicide just by hearing a saxophone's heavenly tone.
[edit] Role In History
Originally called the saxofizzle, the saxophone was traditionally viewed as a unifying instrument between the brass and woodwinds. Before the invention of the saxophone, entire orchestras were wiped off the face of the Earth(zorz) (olde Englishe) through civil wars which would often break out during Baroque pieces. For example the great clarinet massacre of 1337 (commonly known as the hundred years war) wherein ten thousand clarinets were slain at the hands of 300 trombones (the alto and bass clarinets revolted at the sight, and utterly destroyed many of the opposing trombones) was pacified by the courageous efforts of a few good saxophones trained in special-ops. Among their ranks were such influential characters as Oscar Wilde, Rudolf Hess, The Giggle Cannon, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and the infamous Bleeding Gums Murphy.
Today the saxophone continues to be awesome and come in five different flavours: Mariah Carey (much too high), Michael Jackson (slightly too high), just right (a favourite of young Dutch-Irish jailbait girls), tenor (frequently on sale for a fiver), and Barry White (amazing). All of which are quite influential in the process of making whoopee, and the preservation of musical harmony. It is a little known fact that a saxophone player was the reason for the Decembrist Revolt in 1825; he called the Tsar a "donkey-dick"
[edit] Construction
Does it shine? Yes
Is it heavy? Yes
Does it have a big bell? Most definitely
Then you, my friend, have identified the saxomaphone.
[edit] The method
1) Use protection - wear a neckstrap. Safe sax is better than no sax at all.
2) Blow hard. NO, harder than that.
3) Look like you know what you're doing. Most saxophonists choose to wear shades to hide the fear in their eyes at that written solo.
4) Tuning - never stay in tune; you can be heard more that way.
5) Give it beans - better to be strong and wrong than not the centre of attention.
6) Whack everything in the altissimo range - not cos it sounds better, just because you can.
[edit] See Also
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
