Saxophone
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“In my day, saxophones were smeared with various jams and eaten. Wait, no, that's not right.”
~ Oscar Wilde on saxophones
“I have a good sax life. No, that's not right, either.”
~ Oscar Wilde on saxophones
Saxophonist:
1. Saxophonists(aka "Sexyphonists") are the awesome butt kicker superheroes of the music world. Rejecteing all other form of organised reciatals (including symphony orchestra and the flute choir (obviously)), they are often found in their own special group (or jazz band).
2. A saxophone is not a musical instrument, it is a way of life. A flippin awesome way, but nonetheless a way of life.
3. A saxophone is a woodwind instrument, the word 'woodwind' coming from a greek translation meaning 'the sound a big tree makes as it is flung through the air during a rather large gale of wind' which later was just shortened to 'ww' for the obvious.
4. It is a commonly known fact that every saxophonist hates any and all trumpetss. They will attack any "trumpoot" on sight.
5. As has been pointed out already been point once - Saxophone players are sexy.
6. What girls find attractive about a guy with a large golden instrument hanging out of their mouth is obvious. Everybody else does, to, which is not why you normally find saxophonists clustered in a small area talking amongst themselves.
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[edit] The facts
Saxophonists are very attached to their saxophone...literally. They are joined with their beloved through a high-tech hooker device known as a "sling". This "sling", as it is known, helps to keep the saxophone erect, blowable and versatile.
Saxophones have only 2 dynamics (band geek for volume), loud and louder. It is well known that saxophonists (those who dabble in sax) "give it beans" in all situations, blocking out all unnecessary harmonies such as the flute and clarinet.
Saxophones do it "because they can", and "because they know what they are doing."
[edit] Saxophone Idols
Bleeding Gums Murhpy ( lookout for his number one record "sax on the beach" its a real WINNER!
Charlie Parker (AKA Birdy bird)
Rascher
Thrascher
Cold-Train
Andrew Stihl, inventor of the chainsaw, from which most saxophonists take their inspiration.
Bob Vila (I mean come on he rocks!)
Saxophones are told to look up to the french horns, but as they grow, they realize that... it's to easy. Horn players can't actually get jobs in jazz bands.
[edit] How to Identify the Breeds
As aforementioned, saxophones come in as many shapes and sizes there are versions of Linux. (Yes, there are 17 types, but only 4 are the most common.)
Soprano Players: A cross-over breed called upon for sappy solos and to melt the ice of every crazy PMSing bitch in the hall. It becomes a contest to see who can move their eyebrows the most, and most often than not, makes them easily mistaken for clarinet players. This makes them reclusive moreso. That and thier only role model is Kenny G. This makes them unstable emotionally.
Alto Players: Are the ego. They honestly are The Sex. Haulling thier own brass infront of the section every single freggin time they solo does that to thier minds. They idolise themselves, or, when proven wrong, will justify with "Charlie would have done it better." They also tend to mock trumpets and other lame brass instruments that know nothing. Also Altos are amazing in bed. they have a 95.327654 satisfaction rating. However they must always mate outside the section because all girls that play sax are ugly.
Tenor Players: Are so very VERY shy. But don't be too confident about it, oh no, they'll kick your ass when you're not looking as they solo the shit out of that 12 bar blues. These, my friends, will make you fantastise about having your very own as a pet. Oh, and they were probably a big black guy in a past life, it's just they're a little dweeb with glasses in this one, so they gotta make the best of it by taking you by suprise. If they ever say " I pity the foo'." something big is going down of apocolyptic size. HECK YES!!!
Baritone Players: Let's face it, when you play an instrument that big and anti-sexy, you've gotta have a sense of humour. These people are random and make cracks like they were a cool Oscar Wilde. Generally, you'll find the jock playing the bari, because they are the only ones who can afford to break thier back playing it and still have chops to play the thing. Asian bari players do not exist[EDIT: The ones who do are godly]. However, when you find a female bari player: Run; They bring sexy back in a way that will make the world asplode. GOOD LORD THEY ARE SMOKIN HOT!!! If you do find a girl bari player maybe you should consider asking them out, because they know how to blow extremely well and because they're obviously a sex god.
Bass Sax Players: Usually have body odor and autistic spectrum disorders.
Kenny G: He's fucking awesome!
[edit] Main Music Genres
The Saxophone mainly plays music such as... well, a saxophone is such a flippin awesome instrument that people can't relate it to any music genre. That's because what the saxophone really plays can not be considered "music" - it is impossible for the educated ear to make sense of the noise coming from any of these beasts. A more appropriate term would be "the sound of the happy jolly soul". Many have been persuaded to not commit suicide just by hearing a saxophone's joyfull tone. However there are depressed people that play the saxophone and they invented the blues.
[edit] Role In History
Originally called the saxosexy, the saxophone was traditionally viewed as a unifying instrument between the brass and woodwinds. Before the invention of the saxophone, entire orchestras were wiped off the face of the Earth(zorz) (olde Englishe) through civil wars which would often break out during Baroque pieces. For example the great clarinet massacre of 1337 (commonly known as the hundred years war) wherein ten thousand clarinets were slain at the hands of 300 trombones (the alto and bass clarinets revolted at the sight, and utterly destroyed many of the opposing trombones) was pacified by the courageous efforts of a few good saxophones trained in special-ops. Among their ranks were such influential characters as Oscar Wilde, Rudolf Hess, The Giggle Cannon, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Bob Vila, and the infamous Bleeding Gums Murphy.
Today the saxophone continues to be awesome and come in five different flavours: Mariah Carey (much too high), Michael Jackson (slightly too high), just right (a favourite of young Dutch-Irish jailbait girls), tenor (frequently on sale for a fiver), and Barry White (amazing). All of which are quite influential in the process of making whoopee, and the preservation of musical harmony. It is a little known fact that a saxophone player was the reason for the Decembrist Revolt in 1825; he called the Tsar a "no good trumpet lover"
[edit] Construction
Does it shine? look at it shine!
Is it heavy mang? Yes. but only if you are feeble.
Does it have a big bellend? Most definitely. but not as big as that one in london
Does it ever play in tuna? Always
Is it super sexy? indeed it isnt yes!
Then you, my friend, have identified the saxomaphone.
[edit] The method
1) Use protection - wear a neckstrap. Safe sax is better than no sax at all.
2) Blow hard. NO, harder than that.
3) Look like you know what you're doing. Most saxophonists choose to wear shades to hide the joy in their eyes at that written solo so they seem serious.
4) Tuning - never stay in tune; you can be heard more that way.
5) Movment - Always use hardcore body movements so that everyone notices you. Use every part of your body to move.
6) Give it beans - better to be loud, wrong and the centre of attention than quiet and lonely.
7) Whack everything in the altissimo range - cuz it sounds better, and just because you can.
[edit] See Also
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
