Saw
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Saw | |
|---|---|
 The writing to the fifth paragraph saw the Saw article reach greater depths. | |
| Written by | Me |
| Co-Directed by | Your mom |
| Release date(s) | Never |
| Starring | You |
| Running time | Now |
| Preceded by | Seen |
| Followed by | See |
“I've seen saw, that is to say I saw it...”
~ Noel Coward on seeing Saw
“It was easy... The solution was right under my nose.”
~ Michael Jackson on Saw
“Saw starts with an S and rhymes with Law.”
~ Captain Obvious on Saw
Hello, <insert name here>. I want to play a game. Several seconds ago you entered this article, in which you saw an oppertunity to get a share of torture porn in the cover of reading a humour website; Now you will get a chance to see yourself.
Each of the next paragraphs will make you suffer from endless amount of suck, but will also bring you closer to the ultimate test. Then, you will discover if you are seen by other people as you see yourself. But you better hurry: Your mindset and eyeballs are connected to this page using real human neurons; By the time you get to the end of this article, if you have gazed at it for too long, they might suffer enough damage to make your eyes pop out and your brain pour out of your eye sockets. Here's a hint, you must CONTROL+ the uncontrollAble parts of your lewd desires.
Contents |
[edit] Let the games begin
[edit] Link how I link
This paragraph leads to a page which has been described by one of the Uncyclopedia admins as "the worst page on the intarweb", and which elements from it were compared to sex diseases. It has been connected to such terms as Lemon Party, and could easily be referred to as "the Cannibal Holocaust of Uncyclopedia pages". The link to it in this paragraph is disguised; If you can get over your sick desire to witness this filth and move on to the next paragraph, you might save yourself some precious moments and some mental damage too. you're probably wondering where you are, I'll tell you where you might be, you might be inthe room you are going to DIE in.
[edit] Predict what I predict
When you saw the title of this paragraph, you automatically predicted it will contain some kind of a prediction. These kinds of assumptions are dangerous. [1]
One of the authors of this entire article also made a prediction once, one that is perhaps too up-to-date. This person recently wrote an Unnews article which contains a source which is, while relevant to the report, is not from the current day but from the next one. This page you are reading links to that report.
Now you have two choices: The first one is to keep your original prediction that this paragraph indeed contains a prediction and assume it is the prediction of this paragraph's author that you will indeed look up for this Unnews article and see the prediction in it; The second one is to just continue to the next paragraph, predicting that you will not miss much by not looking up the said prediction, meaning that the prediction act described in the title reffers to this new prediction you have just made.
One may even predict that the maneuver depicted in this photograph will come to be known as a “Ken”.
[edit] Prick like my prick
This test will probe a little deeper into the origins of what brought you to read this article in the first place. But in order to do that, you might want to learn a thing or two about this article's own history. The very first version of it was of a somewhat gay nature, and was discovered and huffed by Canadian admin Todd Lyons by using a special gaydar known as The Lyons-Gaydar, or in short Lyonsgayd, or Lionsgate in American accent. Not a long time after that, the Lions Gate Entertainment was formed, specializing in developing gaydars and torture instruments for recovering gay articles and punsihing their authors. Since then, the article has been huffed for several more times.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find the total number of the huffs, get the number of bytes in the version of this article that matches the number of the huffs, and find the American President who died in the year that matches that number of bytes. Now check your result: As closer you are to George W. Bush, the more you suck; If you chose to do nothing of the above, you get Hillary Clinton.
[edit] Twist as I twist
Now you have reached your final test. Throughout this article you have been given several chances to avoid reading this filthy Uncyclopedia material, and now you can make your final choice: Should you continue reading until the end, or should you overcome your sick desire, and find it in your soul to exit this article and have a nice wank to a Bon Jovi album, or whatever sick bastards like you use to spend your days doing.
But I see you couldn't resist your passion to continue reading. You might want to know, however, that this article you're at the moment finishing up reading has been all along not a parody on the American Saw film series, but actually a parody on you, the reader of this article; You was the subject of all these shitty jokes you have been reading. This has been suggested to you in several ways since you first entered this article, by inticating what seemed to be facts regarding your own nature; Thus, the way you see yourself is exactly the way this article described you:
- The Wikipedia template links to the article about the tool. This was to show you you are nothing but a tool in the author's hands;
- Your desire was referred to as "sick"[citation needed];
- Your desires were described as dangerous: Unsourced statement;
- It is assumed you are able to determine the exact deathday of each American person: Original research;
- The jokes in this article are referred to a "shitty": Lies.
Now would be a good time for you to scream the word No over and over again for a few times, [2] just to make this thing closer to a parody on the film series, and perhaps save some of your dignity. Game over.
Here's how to "take care of" Sir I Saw Saw II, king of New York Duchy:
1. Take fiery razor or knife, swiss knife, cafeteria knife, butter, KFC chicken, large book, cocaine (see Eric Clapton for further elaboration), needles, water balloons, copper pipes, kryptonite, radioactive uranium, some old CDs, string, David Bowie or Queen knife, steak knife, USB cable, lamp, and some old cabbage.
2. Heat the aforementioned metals ONLY.
3. Shove aforementioned articles up his @**. Be sure to shove it with as much force as possible (force = mass X acceleration). You gotta shove it up hard, reeeeal hard. I'll wait. (Jeopardy theme song.) (Jeopardy theme song ends.) Yup, I think that will do it. Make sure final article is at least 20.36747364375874857475834856174554123 centimeters up the you know what.
Thank you, thank you very much; elves have entered the building and cast a spell on your TV, making it see the ring movie (you know, the dumb well movie with the ring dude) instead of saw, to "take care of the ring dude," just add water and some Barbara Streisand songs, this is the antimatter for the ring dude and aforementioned ring dude will disintegrate into nothingness, or Nirvana. By the way, did you hear about the Nirvana baby turning 2000 or something? I'm outie. (Nirvana plays as I go outie).
You think it's over? The references are just beginning...
[edit] SAW
SAW!
[edit] References
- ↑ Even in national scale: see UnNews:Having already decided results of 2008 elections, U.S. media moves on to predicting 2012 results.
- ↑ A simple oh noes might do.
[edit] See Also
See also, Saw infinity: infinite putzizity and crap
