Why?:Save the mooses?

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People save all the time. They save documents, embarrassing old baby pictures, leftovers that slowly mutate into semi-intelligent beings, even strange thin strips of green paper with dead people on them. Some people even get jobs as superheroes to save damsels in distress or babies falling from burning second-story windows. Somebody once got nailed to a tree for trying to save mankind, and was determined enough to come back. It is part of the human condition to save, save, and save some more; yet humans tend to neglect certain things, namely, animals and the environment.

Who doesn't love a moose? Where would the world be without such famous figures as Bullwinkle or Moose Head Beer? Well, according to the latest scientific projections, the moose population may disappear off the face of the earth in as little as ten million years. But you can help prevent or at least delay a disaster of this nature, by putting your human saving skills to use and learning how to save the mooses. [1]

What mooses are

Moose crossing

A moose crossing the road to get to the Other Side.

A moose (rhymes with "caboose") is a big animal that looks something like a deer, except with rather large antlers. Evolutionary theory states that mooses have evolved such large and downright ugly things jutting out of their heads to better pick up television signals, to prevent the race from dying and eventually becoming extinct of boredom. Mooses tend to have hair and a shape that is almost entirely unlike that of a duck's.

Mooses (rhymes with "loosey goose") have no sense of religion, which plays a key role in the quality of life in the moose population. Having no sense of commitment, their population tends to expand rapidly and uncontrollably. This makes life for the children more difficult, with less food to go around and too many siblings blocking the signal for Fox News. Because of their lack of spirituality, mooses are easily depressed and will attempt to move on to the next world. Lately, they have found that moving onto a path of dark black in the middle of the night will eventually bring a sudden bright light that sweeps them onward into the spiritual moose world. This answers the question of what mooses need in life: A sense of spiritual fulfillment, just like you and me. So, what are moose? Just humans with fur and built-in TV antennas. These, just like many other animals in the great animal kingdom, are our brothers and sisters in need of help. [2]

Types of mooses

Different kinds of mooses are endangered in different ways. Some mooses may survive for longer periods than others. These are just a few categories of mooses that are suffering the most.***

Arctic Moose

The arctic moose population suffers from bitter cold and darkness every day. How exactly they got there is uncertain. These mooses are threatened not only by snow and ice, but because the nearest eye doctor is over 200 miles away, severe nearsightedness without corrective glasses makes life difficult for these precious animals.

The Hair Moose

There was a sharp decline in the Hair Moose population in the 80s when people started using all kinds of hair mooses. In the 90s however hair mooses went out of fashion thankfully. Since then we have witnessed an increase in both the Hair moose population and bad hair days.

Chocolate Moose

The chocolate moose survives on a solid diet of M&Ms and chocolate bunnies. Unfortunately, greedy humans are taking naturally occurring M&Ms and eating them for their own, and melting the chocolate bunnies with our greenhouse gases, depriving the frail chocolate moose of most of its food and damaging the fragile ecosystem. Nowadays chocolate moose, starved and deprived of their chocolate, will keep sharp eyes out for rainbows and the ever-present possibility of skittles. Unfortunately, many of the rainbow-chasing chocolate mooses do not pay attention to where they are running, and often cross that black path, never to be seen again.

Steam powered moose

Steam powered mooses are often dependent on non-renewable resources to run smoothly.

Steam-Powered Moose

A rarity in these days, the steam-powered moose is closer to extinction than its cousins. Running merely on fossil fuels such as coal, they are susceptible to the rapidly-approaching day when the planet will run out of these old fuels.

Additionally, steam-powered pollute the environment, slowly contributing to the melting of the polar ice caps and the eventual death of their cousins, the arctic moose. Slowly, however, the steam-powered moose's story is beginning to take a new turn, as volunteers come out to the wild to convert these old-fashioned mooses to solar power. Unfortunately, this does cause them to be overly lethargic at night, and they can break down unexpectedly.

How you can help

Heard enough of the plight of the moose? Want to help save the mooses and make the world a better place? Try one of these methods.

The Biblical method

This method is one of the more difficult and time-consuming methods, but you can save dozens of mooses at once with a careful amount of practice. By venturing out into the wilderness and preaching the Good Word of God, you will be able to enlighten these creatures to Jesus and, with any luck, save them. It does help if you are a priest.

The jar method

As detailed in So You're Out of Jam, Now What: 1001 Uses for the Common Jar, virtually any animal can be saved using an ordinary, cleaned out jar. The only difference between saving fireflies and mooses is, naturally, a much larger jar.

Important note: Please remember the air holes. Many amateur moose rescuers forget this critical step, only to see their saved moose lying dead on the bottom of the jar the next day. Don't let this happen to you or your moose.

Moose menu

A man demonstrating the easiest and most efficient way to save a moose.

The menu method

Anyone skilled in computers can try this method. Simply bring your laptop out to a moose-filled area and right-click on the moose. Press "Save Moose As..." and pick a safe location. [3] Congratulations, you've just saved a moose!

Go out and save a moose today!

I'm sure you've heard more than enough reasons to save the mooses of our fragile island home Earth. It's quick, it's easy, and it only takes a few minutes of your time (or a few megabytes of your space). With your efforts, we may delay the inevitable extinction of our moose brothers and make the world a less depressing place for mooses everywhere.

Notes

  1. Pluralized for your reading pleasure.
  2. Except perhaps for mosquitoes, which are more like in-laws.
  3. You can also copy and paste the moose to help them reproduce faster!

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