Sauron
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“He is just misunderstood, he never even knew his father”
~ Gandalf
“He lost his contact lens, it's not his fault!”
~ Sean Jarvis aka Jarhead
“Hobbits are responsible for all the wars in the world”
~ Sauron on being caught drunk driving
“Little shit didn't even say thanks when I offered my allegiance, just "Build me an army worthy of Mordor" white wizards have their feelings you know..”
~ Saruman on Sauron
“That fucking prick...I forged the One Ring to spy on little boys and this bastard steals it and starts yelling about how he's going to use it to "rule them all". All he's ever going to rule is my foot up his ass!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sauron
“YOU BET YO FUKIN CYBORG ASS I CAN OUTDO YOU, SITH BOY!”
~ Sauron on Darth Vader
Sauron is known as the Lord of the Dance and the Saint of the Step. sHe is the current Lord of the Ring of Mordor and the current prime minister of New Zealand. sHe is said to be all that and more, even though he had his ass kicked by a dog, a flood, two old and exhausted people, three midgets, and finally, JANITOR MAN!!!. Sauron is confirmed to be the 2012 Libertarian Party Presidential candadit.
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[edit] History of Sauron
Sauron the Great and Mighty has always been gassy. He worked at fifteen clubs a day, while ruling over the city of Santa Fe at the same time. First perfecting her moves in the dark void of Space, circa 1979, it wasn't long before Sauron was burning up the dance floors all across the Discoverse. From blasting her way through 15 interstellar dance battles to achieving the highest-ever recorded score on Dance Dance Revolution, she never stopped dancing and dreaming. Sauron has never lost anything.That is except for the gassy contests. Sauron originally launched a full scale invasion on sweden in attempt to steal the supply of Jigglypuff repellent. This turned out to be a failure as he stopped at the quarintine trying to smuggle stoat furs into the country.
Subsequently, it is rumoured that Sauron might just happen to be the physical manifestation of Ian Paisley, the woman with the golden gun, who had heavily invested in the light arms manufacturer ‘Durex’. It should also be noted however, that due to Sauron’s transcendental limitations, the accuracy of Vin Diesel’s ‘Theory of Relativity’ should also be questioned.
Concerning Sauron's gender, reports vary (see above). Some say that after undergoing her recent surgery at Mount Doom University Hospital Sauron currently has nothing but an eyeball and hence no visible signs of gender. Others report that sHe still has a flaming vagina. Still others claim that it is not the vagina, but the long black tower pointing toward it which is actually Sauron. This is the sort of thing that scholars will debate for centuries. Hence it is beyond the scope of this article. It is interesting to note however, that Sauron could be both the flaming vagina and the tower which serves as his penis, and thus be a shemale, and be able to have sex with himself. Scholars are still debating whether or not this classifies as masturbation.
The most conclusive and probing work on Sauron's gender was done in the groundbreaking documentary Borat: Cultural Learnings for Make Glorious Kazakstan look more like Even More Glorious Nation of Mordor. However, the film sequence for the key scene in which Sauron's gender is revealed fell into the Firey Casm of Mount Doom when a naked dispute between filmakers Borat and Frodo about Pamala Anderson turned deadly.
The issue thus remains open for further discussion by those who are truly too bored to discuss anything else.
[edit] Speech
Sauron suffered from a speech impediment that left his raspy, booming voice sounding like a turtle attempting to sing the national anthem in Polish, who naturally has no knowledge of the Polish languge. He also had a habit of making small shiny objects speak to Hobbits and Wizards. The palantir and One Ring were two of his most annoying vessels of banter, and he would frequently yell at Frodo and Aragorn about "seeing" them and sleeping elf women.
[edit] Controversy over undefeated record
A small number of experts in the field discovered an ancient text from the Middle Ages that describes an epic battle between Henry Rollins and Sauron, where Rollins is the victor. While the mythological event is considered plausible by many prominent Sauronical scholars from France, many of her followers deny that Rollins' victory could be possible. Fundamentalists contend that Henry Rollins never existed. In 1239 BC Rollinsians countered with an official denial of the existence of Sauron, but were smitten by the Lord of the Dance. Or rather, they would have been if Sauron was not dead by that point.
Narsil didn't cut his finger. Two incredibly minor characters killed him in combat, and Isildur came along and cut off the dead Sauron's finger. This is widely considered proof that the Rings of Power didn't grant literal power. One wonders what they even did in that case.
When the world was young, a woman named Luthien came to Sauron's fortress and demanded that Sauron release her boyfriend Beren. Even though Sauron could have looked out the window and noticed that she had a wolfhound for protection, he instead sent out his army of werewolves one by one until they all died. Sauron then turned into a wolf (or dressed up in a costume he stole from a furry) and was owned. It is said that afterwards, the mentors of Sauron, Aule and Morgoth Bauglir, drank many kegs of ale while asking themselves "Where did I go wrong in rasing that boy?"
Her oddest recorded loss by far was when three midgets, one fat, one emo and one starved, managed to throw a piece of jewelry in a volcano, causing Sauron to freak out over property damage until he had a heart attack and died
[edit] Descendants
Sauron knew that he would be destroyed and needed successors, so he had many children, though not all followed in his footsteps. Some were obliterated but others are still alive and at large.
- Lord Voldemort - Inherited Saurons magical powers
- Magneto - Inherited Saurons temper
- Simon Cowell - Inherited Sauron's arrogance
- Palpatine - Inherited Sauron's "1337" Lightsaber skills.
- Lex Luthor - Inherited Sauron's Non-hair.
- Jimbo Wales - Inherited Sauron's suckage. If said suckage was like a vacuum cleaner and not all-around stupidity and lameness, it would bring the Sun into direct contact with the Earth itself.
- Lich King - Inherited Sauron's looks. Duhr.
- Martha Stewart - Inherited Sauron's gender.
[edit] The Sauron Particle
Saurons are often emitted as radiation from the eye of angry cyclopes, and can bend your will upon penetration of your brain. The only known protection is a facial chastity belt.
[edit] Miracles
- The genius design of Chuck Norris - His best achivement and his downfall
- Giving cancer and STD's to children that asked for them
[edit] See also
- Lord Sauron
- Rhombicuboctahedron
- Alex Trebek
- The Lord of the Rings
- Vagina
- Randy Orton
- Bored of the Rings
- Morgoth Bauglir
- Vodunius Nuccius - Sauron's heir (in your face, Isildur)
