Sault Sainte Marie

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“They stole my name!”

~ Buffy Sault Sainte Marie on Sault Ste. Marie

Sault Ste.(Sainte) Marie is the capital of the Upper Peninsula and its forward outpost against the hostile Canada Empire. It was founded in 1668 by a time-traveling Patrick Stewart, which makes it the third-oldest city in the United States.

[edit] Overview in Brief

The Sault is surprisingly small and backwards for its age, due primarily to the fact that it was almost completely destroyed in 1894 when Paul Bunyan set down his mitten to make the Lower Peninsula. (Many textbooks speak of the Lower Peninsula's existence before this time, but such tales are propaganda and lies spread by Troll Supremecists.)

[edit] Notable landmarks

[edit] The Tower of History

Built by the Chippewa to commemorate the victory of Patrick Stewart and his Howling Commandoes against the legions of Kang the Conqueror, a warlord from the 41st century. (It should be noted that the grateful colonists made Stewart an honorary Frenchman for his bravery, which undoubtedly explains why he was chosen to play Jean Luc Picard in Stargate SG-1.)

[edit] The Soo Locks

Built in 1797 by some idiot who thought it would be fun to misspell "Sault" and force boats to pause in their voyage between the Great Lakes and wait for huge gates to grind open and closed for no apparent reason. It also serves the important dual functions of drawing terrorist attacks and attracting flocks of tourists to disrupt traffic, vandalize, pollute, mock the locals, pillage, loot and keep the waterfront gift shops in business. Every year, thousands of these tourists flock to Sault Ste Marie so they can stand there and watch the lock's enormous basin S-L-O-W-L-Y fill with water and allow a thousand-foot boat into Lake Superior (named for its snobbish insistence that it's better than all the other Great Lakes.)

[edit] Fort Brady

Founded by Father Jaques Marquette, the Mutant Master of Magnetism. Though allegedly destroyed still exists deep underground beneath Lake Superior State University. It is here that a government funded cabal of supervillains works to create a genetically engineered army of giant monsters with which to enslave the Earth. A small battle was fought over the control of Fort Brady when bizarrely, the Mexican Army attacked it in 1923. Casualties consisted of a moose and chihuahua.

Fun Fact: Fort Brady is completely unassociated with Wayne Brady, who is much cooler than Sault Ste. Marie.

[edit] Lake Superior State University

The former Fort Brady. One of the shittiest colleges on earth.

"An attention starved, second tier, state university"- Stephen Colbert (real quote)

[edit] The International Bridge

The only conduit of trade between Sault Ste. Marie and its much larger sister city in the Canadian Empire. There is a strong movement for its demolition due to the nightly raids by the Canadian Myrmidons, but this does not seem likely. For one thing, the legal age to buy alcohol in the Empire is 19, which allows hordes of young Yoopers (a slang term for people of the Upper Peninsula) to travel northward and get wasted. Too, the powerful spells etched into the bridge's pylons are all that keep the Dread Cthulu locked in slumber beneath the dark waves.

[edit] The People

The natives of this backwards hick-ass town are starved of education and more than likely have some type of vinerial disease. (it is said that one living here long enough, one can contract g-dubs from the airborn epidemic) g-dubs is a slang term used to describe genital warts i.e. G=genital and dubs, like dubs on a car due to the fact that everybody in this town is related, they have a numerous amount of remedial, "yooper", inbreds which have the mental capacity of a flaming bag of dog shit. The old people smell like biscuits and ben-gay and the kids find it funny to stick their hands down there pants and wipe the contents on the lip of an unsuspecting pedestrian. Because there is nothing to do in this town, many of it's residents smoke weed and play guitar hero. Another thing they do in this mind-fuck boredom is experiment with halucinagenic drugs like mushrooms, and they are determined that they are some form of inanimate object such as a piece of mud. The native kids like to hang out in the woods. As if by some form of indian magic, at any given time there will be 3 to 47 of them in the woods smoking their sugar island ditch weed. Overall the women of this town have the sex appeal of a pencil sharpener.

[edit] Industry

Algoma Steel technically lies in its Canadian sister-city, but is a fixture on the Sault Ste. Marie skyline. By day it gives rise a sinister black cloud that blots out the sun, while at night the baleful Eye of Sauron gazes from its peak over the terrified city. When crossing the International Bridge, one can look down and see vast piles of wood in the yards about the Paper Mill; this is the lumber of the damned, chopped down in Hell and brought through a daemonic portal to be used in infernal forges as they create weapons which will be used in Canada's endless war against all that is good and pure in the world. Luckily the mighty virgin lawyers swung their hammer and closed that devilish gate forever, leaving hundreds doomed to the welfare office, and ultimately my pocket.

[edit] Obligatory Tourism Plug and Warning of Impending Doom

Be sure to pay Sault Ste. Marie a visit if you want to spend some time in a pleasant, sleepy little town where you're in constant danger of being consumed by madness when Great Cthulu finally rises from the depths!