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The sixth planet out from the Sun in the Solar System, the gas giant Saturn has 62 moons orbiting it. This is one less than Jupiter but Angelina Jolie has promised that if anyone offers her a spare moon to adopt, she will give it to her favourite ringed planet.
Saturn's moons are a diverse lot. Like a family, some are huge and take up all the space on the family sofa while others sit on the floor with Kentucky Fried Meteors to chomp on. The very tiny moons of Saturn can be easily overlooked but they are impossibly cute.
Saturn's largest moon is called Titan. It is surrounded by a thick bra, probably a padded one, that hides the true surface from view. In 2005, the Huygens probe was sent there where no man has tried (without getting slapped) and touched down on Titan's surface. The moon appears to be covered in lakes of liquid milk, and has a soft, spongy surface. However the cameras stopped working when the Huygens probe started to send private photos of itself in the bathroom to another moon but by mistake sent them around the Solar System by mistake. The probe quietly dissolved after that solar system wide boob!
Titan has two huge volcanoes, quivering, erect and ready to explode in a cosmic orgasm of unexpected intensity. Astronomers predict this will cause an Event Horizon and may vibrate Saturn enough to get get everyone arrested at NASA headquarters in the ensuring excitement.
Mimas is also known as the Death Star. It was the home of Darth Vader, the mighty space villain. Its huge crater Herschel is named in homage to the South African cricket Herschelle Gibbs when he smashed a ball in the direction of Mimas and left it with a big dent. Mimas also acts as a place for the space cops to hide in and zap speeding spacecraft. The money collected in fines helps keep the Dark Side in business during lean times (i.e. when George Lucas finishes rendering the Star Wars films into 3D).
iApetus is the only satellite of Saturn owned by Apple. It is a moon that comes in two types - black iApetus and silver iApetus. The moon looks like a giant sphere, half dark, half light. It can store up to twenty thousand songs within its huge bulk. Television ads often show Saturn dancing while listening to iApetus.
As well as being a delicious Mexican treat, Enceladus is a moon of Saturn. Its surface is glossy, icy, and wrapped in spicy tortilla bread. Water eruptions have been seen, implying the moon has an ocean. Blue markings have been seen in the white ice, nicknamed "tiger stripes," which the furry fetish astronomers on the Cassini team fap to while everyone else is fapping around on Titan.
When Enceladus gets close to iApetus, the latter moon begins playing La Bamba, and shouting Arrrrriba! Arrrrriba!! Enceladus does not find this remotely funny and has in fact asked that its irritating neighbour be forcibly relocated round the other side of Saturn.
Princess Dione is the people's moon of Wales. It was once linked in a fractious binary system with Carolus Absurdus or the 'Jug Eared Moon'. A passing asteroid shower (the Legal-Eagle belt) disrupted this set up and the Jug Eared Moon got sucked into the Camilla void.
Dione suffered a large impact which placed a crater on it in 1997. Astronomers debate whether this was an accident or whether another moon was plotting to destroy Dione. Its new companion moon, Dodi, was shattered, and now forms one of Saturn's Onion rings, known at the Fayed Interweave.
This is Phoebe's song:
- Smelly cat, smelly cat,
- What are they feeding you?
- Smelly cat, smelly cat,
- It's not your fault.
It has a better meter in the original French. Anyway, Phoebe is a cute, fluffy little moon but does have sharp claws and a squeaky laugh.
Phoebe also appears in a dream sequence in the film Fast Times at Ridgemont High where she is seen climbing out of a swimming pool and removes her top to reveal her atmospheric qualities to Cassini (played by a jerking Judge Reinhold).
Hyperion Whopper is Saturn's hamburger shaped moon. It comes with cheese and pickles. Hyperion Whopper is America's second favourite satellite in the solar system, for obvious reasons. If we could mine Hyperion Whopper, we'd get all the grease we need. Vegetarians are not welcome.
Ronald McDonald Junior
Little is known about this moon. It was formerly called Wendy's but McDonalds bought them out and renamed it Ronald McDonald Junior.
This moon seems to be growing more obese since it was added to McDonalds Solar System franchise. Astronomers have recently detected a large wobble in its orbit, which would indicate the presence of an unseen double fries moon or that some overweight astronauts have recently landed and are stomping around, waiting to be served. However, Ronald McDonald Junior has never been on the Value Menu but you will get a free McFlurry there as well if the astronomers find this fatty moon's secretive satellite sibling.
Teethys is a small toothy female moon, with one big crater and lot of cavities. In this crater lives Odysseus, on the run from all those boring Greek Myths. Or he is there for solar tax reasons. Teethys recently turned down an offer to remove her outer cloud layers and pose for Playboy but is considering a counter offer from Hustler. However, there are no counters nearby for Teethys to lie on so this could be what celebrity space trackers call a 'decaying orbit of cheesecake opportunity'.
Rhea is another female moon, this time with feathers and a beak. She is Saturn's wife, but they have no children. Rhea is in a distant orbit from her husband which makes it difficult for her to see what Saturn is up to. This is why she missed her husband's recent escapade with his planetary mates Uranus and Neptune when they visited the Oort Cloud, gravity defying lap dance venue. Rhea found out and now Saturn is in the proverbial dog-house. She is an angry, menopausal moon.
These are little boring sods that buzz around Saturn like flies. Janus and Epimetheus are gymnasts that share the same orbit and keep jumping around each other, and they are very pretty. People call this a cosmic orgy, but it merely annoys Saturn as he was brought up by Jesuits.
Some of the moons hang around in gangs. There is the Gallic Group or the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Cluster. They are Asterix, Obelix, Jean-Paul Sartre and Vanessa Paradis. The Gallic Group tend to orbit in a cloud of thick smoke and leave a trail of cigarette ash in their wake.
Nearby are the Inuit Moons. They were formerly known as the Canadian or Eskimo Nell Satellites but their British Imperial legacy names like Victoria, Prince Alberta, Stanley and Tim Horton have since been changed to Hueyq, Louieq, Dewyq and Curly. All the new names apparently them mean snow in the Inuit language.
Also in the vicinity are the gloomy Norse Moon group.To be frank, they prefer to keep their own company and skin live seals. If you want to know their names they are Cadaver, Mayhem and Enslaved. With them is the captured comet a-Ha.
Other minor moons include Pan, Luminiferous Aether Moon (Atlas), Pandora, Prometheus, Helene, Calypso, Jazz, Blues, Rock, Classical, Oprah, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Ok, some of those may not be correct but as astronomers are always finding more satellites around Saturn, I am sure these names will be allocated in due course.