Satteloid
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A satteloid is like a sattelite, except it can fight, and it fights like a dirty motherfucker. Production was banned by NATO, so most of them are made by Russia or by aliens from Proxima Centauri. Centaurian sattteloids helped decisively in defeating General Oberleutnant Hakenkreuz and his evil Nazi invasion force from Betamax.
One famous incident of a Russian satteloid was encountered by Richard "Rockhead" Swinn in 1958. Rockhead claimed to have outraced a Russian satteloid in his F-Zero Fire Stingray. He claimed that the satteloid tried to kill him, but was no match for the speed of his "sweet ride". Most people believed that Rockhead was on drugs.
An American satteloid once came close to attacking an astronaut engaged in Extra Vehicular Activity. The astronaut was trying to """". Now it's rather difficult to """" when you're in a bulky spacesuit. This astronaut was really frustrated and tried very hard. Now George W Bush and the Christian Conservatives don't like astronauts to """". So the satelloids are programmed to attack astronauts who do that. Nasa needed to contact Dubya fast and get the sattteloid programme altered. It wouldn't have been at all good for publicity it an astronaut got attacked doing that.
One of the biggest supporters of Rockhead's story was Michael Kelso, who in 1977 tried to convince the entire town Point Place, Wisconsin that Russian Satteloids truly did exist, and that they carried death rays that could destroy brain cells. However, he was discredited by his friends, one of whom insists that Kelso read about Russian Satteloids in a comic book.
Some ardent conspiracy theorists, who have probably never read Kelso's comic book, have accused Russian satteloids of the following crimes:
- Tampering with beer, so it kills brain cells.
- Altering the vision of women, so they mistakenly see handsome, dashing men as bald, fat slobs.
