Satanism

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“Hell? Meh. Beats Mexico”

~ Satan on Hell

Picture of Anton "Howie" LaVey at Christmastime

Satanism was invented when some loser got beaten up and locked in his locker by a bunch of jocks, similar to the way Wicca was created. It's followers are a bunch of retards who think it's Halowe'en everyday, attracting several hundred people, most of them morbidly obease who dress like Count Dracula everyday, and act hurt and persecuted when people treat them like a joke. It is also practiced by 24 billion people worldwide, and the fastest growing religion.

The main principles of Satanism are as follows:

• "I am my own God, I am the Alein Elite! I just wish my mom would stop raggin' on me! When I get a part time job I'm moving out!"
• "I can take on anybody in the whole trailer park!"
• "Negative attention is the only good attention!"
• Always have a good bail bondsman's number handy!
• Jack off, in the name of your god. (How awesome is that?)[Not very, loser. Get a life and stop trying to defend Satanism.]

As Head Satanist Britney Spears once noted:

"To the untrained eye it might be difficult to differentiate between Satanists and Hippies. Both act pretentious, Satanists because they believe themselves their own Gods, Hippies because they think the Earth is their God. Both smell like rotting flesh, Hippies because they don’t bathe, Satanists because they eat rotten flesh. The main difference is that Satanists actually eat Hippies, and not vice versa."

And of course, only a Satanist would rag on Hippies, who haven't existed since the 1960's. This is an important lesson of Satanism: Always attack the weak and defenseless! This is why Satanists sacrifice cats, chickens, and infants, rather than something that could fight back, like a Grizzly Bear in heat.

[edit] History

Nerds who make "The Comic Book Guy" on the Simpsons seem like Brad Pitt constantly point out LaVey looks like Ming The Merciless, a character from a comic strip that hasn't run in a zillion years and no one gives a shit about.

Satan decided he would launch his super duper un-religion in 1966 in San Fransisco, California of all places. He searched the earth relentlessly and upon finding the wisest man, commanded him to write The Satanic Bible. But the man answered, "No fucking way!" So, Satan found the second wisest man, who said the same thing. And he asked the next, and so on and so forth, and when there was no one else, he asked Howie Levey, who agreed since he was a psudeo-intellectual loser with too much time on his hands. The Devil changed Howie's name to Anton LaVey, so he wouldn't sound like such a nerd. Satan later found out LaVey was a wife beating pimp and scumbag, so he tried to renig out of the deal, but it was too late. Now idiots married to their own cousins in trailer parks all throughout Idaho have a religon they could call their own!

[edit] Anatomy of Satanism

Got to be there.

Types Of Satanism

Satanism is not for everyone. First, you have to think you're better than everybody...even though you're a goth idiot. Two, you have to practice things that expand your mind and bring you closer to the darkside...like huffing. And C, you have to have be capable of deluding yourself on a massive scale.

Once you meet this criteria, you can choose which Satanism is right for you.

• Traditional Satanism (Devil Worship) - This involves worshiping Satan directly. This is the type of Satanist that does kewl things, like kill people and make butter out of them. Wicca is not the same thing as Satanism (But you know it really is, they just don't want to tell you because Wiccans, the Illuminati, and Simon Cowell of American Idol are part of the conspiracy to keep this fact silent! That's the REAL reason Paula Abdul left, because she knew too much. SHE KNEW TOO MUCH I TELLS YA!).

• Temple of Set - After firing LaVery in 1975, the Devil hired Michael Aquino, and changed the name of his company to The Temple of Set. Aquino SEEMED like a good choice at first--Eagle Scout, an actual College Degree, Army Colonel, nice smell--but things quickly went south. The Temple of Set's number-two man, Lord Egan, joined N.A.M.B.L.A. for "shock value." Oddly enough, it was the Temple of Set who got shocked when the cops raided them. Aquino also turned out to be a racist asshole, to make matters worse. The Temple of Set tried to save the day by creating a new ad campaign that read "If you're a gay Neo-nazi pedophile, WE WANT YOU!" Satan did the facepalm and said "Why does God get all the good people, but I get all the retards???", But the Prine of All Evil made a comeback a few years later with the creation of such totally evil things as "Roller Disco," "Muzak," and "New Riders of The Purple Sage."

• Celebrity Satanist These are the kewlist Satanists of the bunch! People in this group include - Though including a few truly hardcore psychos men like "Night Stalker" serial killer Richard Ramirez or Charles "The Beatles are Jesus" Manson, this is usually just the kind of crazy that blames God for all of his problems and turns to Satan for revenge. To join this group, simply go totally off-the-wall-nutso and kill a lot of people for no apparent reason. Once in prison, you'll be famous, and have all the sex you could ever dream of (that is, if you don't mind being gang raped by white supremacists in the shower and felating big black penises). You'll also be guaranteed room and board for life, free color TV, and a stainless stell toilet. Awsome dude! Of course, you might get the chair, but then you'll get to meet the man downstairs in person! That is so kewl!

• LaVeyan Satanist - Also known as the Atheistic Satanist or "Persecuted Crybaby Satanist". This type of Satanisnt does NOT worship the devil...instead they worship Anton LaVey, a 250lb wife beating asshole. Ironically, LaVey serves as a substitute father figure to take the place of the drunken alcoholic abusive father figure they had...when in fact LaVey probably would have aborted them. LaVeyian Satanists are superior to the other Satanists mention. LOL! No seriously. LOL! Oh, who am I kidding, they're biggest losers of all! Right now one is reading this entry and about to change it because he just can't stand it. Ha ha, looser! They spend much of their time whining that the aforementioned Celebrity Satanists give "true Satanists" a bad rep, and blame the whole thing on "Xian propaganda."

But they thrive off negative attention anyway, so it's a win-win situation!

Becoming A Satanist

The first steps in becoming a Satanist are to be an anti-social misfit loser, dress in black, and lose your mind (not necessarily in that order). Being a pariah is absolutely necessary, but if you crave negative attention and keep your dead grandma's false teeth in a Mason jar under your pillow, you're more than halfway there!

Next, start getting into a lot of fights for no real reason. This will enable you feel entitled to say "I can stand on my own two feet!" In reality, you'd just be an asshole and a thug like your daddy, Anton LaVey, but of course, Satanism isn't about the so-called "real world." Huzzah!

(If the last point irritates you, it's because, like I said, reality isn't your bag. Just ask the losers who keep changing this Uncyclopedia entry to actually promote Satanism! LOL! )

Satanic Magic

Next comes the best part of the whole Satanic gig: Satanic magic! Or, rather, "Magick." It's super secret, and can only be obtained by people who have $8 to spend at Books-A-Million. The 3 spells in it include revnege (now you can get back at that guy that tripped you in lunch line in the 8th grade!), lust (but it won't work and you'll just spend your nights jacking off to internet amputee porn as usual) and a spell to get stuff through Satan's compassion (lol! Good luck on that last one!) It claims to be a book on philosophy and psychology, but it's really just a bunch of horseshit, as all occult stuff is. A new expanded edition of the Satanic Bible is slated for release in 2011 with rituals for popular pursuits of the Alien Elite including, but not limited to: "Scorin' Weed," "Gettin a Higher Score on Warcraft," "Making Mom Stop Raggin' on Me," and "Scorin' Meth."

If your spells don't work, and your math teacher doesn't die for giving you an F that you probably deserved anyway, don't panic and do something stupid, like forgetting about the whole damn occult thing altogether! You probably just didn't believe hard enough. And consider this: should the pathetic reality of your existence set in at any time, the effects can be quickly nullified by huffing glue. In no time you'll be back to chanting the Enochian Keys or The Invocation to Set to Marylin Manson's "The Beautiful People" while you masturbate, and you'll be your old deluded self once again!

[edit] Being a Satanist

Popular Satanist activities include

• Constantly updating this Uncyclopedia entry to make Satanism sound less like an activity for sociopaths, and somehow thinking no one notices.
• Jacking of...um...practicing Satanic Sex Magic
• Becoming an expert at typing with one hand...if you know what I mean (see above).
• Shouting at pigeons (right before you sacrifice them)
• Finding subtle Satanist morals in songs and snickering (which is what Fundamentalist Christians do, oddly enough)
• Playing LP's backwards for the "secret messages" the Devil is sending (another thing Fundamentalists do)
• Roasting next door's cat Mittens on the barbecue
• Memorizing the words to every Monty Python sketch, and somehow tell yourself you're a normal well adjusted person.

Every June 7, the Satanists celebrate Anti-Christmas, which marks the birth of the Antichrist a.k.a. Andy Griffith. On the preceding night, Satanist children anticipate presents from the Anti-Claus, who lives in Mexico. The adults don't exchange presents with one another. They eat lots of fruitcakes, which is one reason the Church of Satan is based in San Francisco. Va-voom! The kids all receive to which the parents promptly smash them right in front of them and then burn them with cigarettes, and it's yet another memory they have to repress. So it's good fun for everyone!

[edit] The Satanic Bible

Satan released his masterpiece at an unspecified time, though the book was copyrighted by Anton Szandor LaVey in 1969 (under command of Satan and Avon Books). LaVey was a high school dropout, a carnival hustler, and a reported all-around loser,(he lied about screwing Marylin Monroe AFTER she was dead and couldn't refute it! How kewl is that?). He obviously knew the secrets of how to be a success in life: he was a wife beating pimp, a self-admitted host of a "cannibal feast", and he lived on food stamps a good portion of his life before dying bankrupt. The Satanic Bible is a prime example of this magnificent religion, which is practiced by geeks who live in their parent's basements and post on online forums 17 hours a day. If you want a copy, just ask the 350 lbs. white supremacist in the jail cell next to you if you can borrow his...although he may expect "certain favors" in return, so be carful! Alternatively, ask some emo kid or a goth, or someone who had a serious head injury.

[edit] External Links

• Something every Satanist needs sooner or later...Hail Satan! Remember what celebrity Satanist Ricky Kasso said "Satanism is like sex with a Cheerleader...if you don't wind up in prison for it, you didn't do it right!"
• An evil video about SATANISM!! WARNING: Not for the faint of heart!!

C R I M E S

Arson · Assassination · Baby farming · Baby-snatching · Battery · Bestiality · Blarging · Burglary · Cannibalism · Cat Juggling · Child abuse · Child porn · Clown rape · Conspiracy · Copyright infringement · Cow arson · Cow tipping · Cyber Terrorism · Deicide · Dog Fighting · Drunk driving · Extreme Sarcasm · Gambling · Genocide · Grand Theft Auto · Hacking into a Computer · Hatespeech · Heresy · Home Invasion · Homosexuality · HowTo:Become A Rapist - Human sacrifice · Illegal Immigration · Incest · Kleptomania · Littering · Looting · Lynching · Masturbation · Murder · Pedophilia · Piracy · Pornography · Rape · Rock and Roll · Rioting · Robbery · Shoplifting · Smoking · Sodomy · Stalking · Stealing · Suicide · Suspicious Eyeball Movements · Terrorism · Tittyfuck rape · Trafficking · Treason · Vandalism · Video Piracy · Weed · Witchcraft

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