Satanism
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“Sure, I'm a gay pedophile, but I hope they never say I'm one of THEM!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Satanists, who converted to Christianity on his deathbed just to make sure illiterate people didn't call him a Satanist after he died.It didn't work, sadly enough.
“Hell? Meh. Beats Mexico”
~ Satan on Hell
“In Soviet Russia, Satan worships you!”
~ Russian Reversal on Satanism
“The Devil made me do it!”
~ Flip Wilson as Geraldine...or was it Gerladine as Flip Wilson???
“LOL nOObZ! ”
~ Michael A. Aquino on Satanism
Satanism is the term given to a bunch of retards who think it's Halowe'en everyday. It was invented when some kid got locked in his locker by a bunch of jocks, similar to the creation of Wicca! Recently, it's gotten a little out of hand, attracting several million members, all of them twats. It's most important tenet is that you wear a baphomet, dress like Count Dracula everyday, and then act hurt and persecuted when people think you're a psycho.
The main principles of Satanism are as follows:
- I am my own God, and no one gives me shit. I just wish my mom would stop raggin' on me!
- Beat your slutty wife,lie about your accomplishemnts,bone your daughters, just like your idol, Anton LaVey, PBUH.
- You use your superior intellect and natural charm like this: If your neighbor talks smack, hit him upside the head. That way you'll be King of The Trailer Park! Hail Satan! Woo hoo! Play some Skinard!
- Always have a good bail bondsman's number handy!
- Think you're hot shit just because you jack off. Seriously.
As Head Satanist Britney Spears once noted:
"To the untrained eye it might be difficult to differentiate between Satanists and Hippies. Both act pretentious, Satanists because they believe themselves their own Gods, Hippies because they think the Earth is their God. Both smell like rotting flesh, Hippies because they don’t bathe, Satanists because they eat rotten flesh. The main difference is that Satanists actually eat Hippies (well, dead ones), and not vice versa."
And of course, only a Satanist would rag on Hippies since they aren't around anymore. This is an important lesson of Satanism: Always attack the weak and defensless! This is why Satanists sacrifice cats, chickens, and infants, rather than something that could fight back, like a Grizzly Bear in heat.
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[edit] History
The Devil decided he would launch his un-religion in 1966 in San Fransisco, California of all places. He searched the earth for the wisest peron he could find. He commanded this person to write The Satanic Bible. But that guy said "No fucking way!" So, Satan asked the next wisest person, and...same thing. So he asked the next, and the next, and...when he couldn't find anyone else, he got a wife beating hack organ player high school drop out named Howie Levey. The Devil changed his name to Anton LaVey, so he wouldn't sound like such a nerd.
Satanism is a religion of the "Alien Elite"! Many of these alien elite can be found living in trailer parks married to blood relatives, and living in their parents basements posting "lively exchange" on usenet forums. Here's an example: "Why Azazel89887, you made the embarrassing mistake of posting that Aleister Crowley had bacon and eggs on april the 12th 1912. It was kippers and eggs! Oh tee hee! Tee hee! I proved myself superior!". In other words, they're the kind of people you'd like to kill even if they weren't Satanists.
[edit] Anatomy of Satanism
Types Of Satanism
You have many options as a Satanist. From the pale skinned sexless nerd who uses Linux to the 300lb white supramcist inmate, and every shade in between! Yes, any loser can be a Satanist. In fact, every Satanist IS a loser!
Traditional Satanism (Devil worship)- This involves, as any idiot could figure out, worshiping Satan directly. Most followers of this path are horribly ugly, hopelessly retarded goths who want to appear 'edgy'. Most of them have the living shit knocked out of them on a daily basis, as can be seen in the biting documentary MTV's "Beavis and Butthead Do America".
Temple of Set- After LaVey turned out to be a wife beating pimp, the Devil fired him in 1975 and hired Michael Aquino and changed the name of his company to The Temple of Set. Aquino SEEMED like a good choice at first...Eagle Scout, an actual College Degree, Army Colonel, nice smell...but things quickly went south. The Temple of Set's number two man, Lord Egan, joined N.A.M.B.L.A. for "shock value". Oddly enough, it was the Temple of Set who got shocked when the cops raided them! Aquino also turned out to be a racist asshole, to make matters worse. The Temple of Set tried to save the day by creating a new ad campaign that read "If you're a Neo-nazi pedophile, WE WANT YOU!" After this the Devil did the "palm face" and said "why does God get all the good people and I get all the retards??!?!" But the Devil would bounce back a few years later with the creation of such totally evil things as "Roller Disco", "Muzak" and "New Riders of The Purple Sage"!
Celebrity Satanists- Though really just crazy guys like "Night Stalker" serial killer Richard Ramirez or Charles "The Beatles are Jesus" Manson, this is the kind of crazy that blames God for his problems and turns to Satan. You become one by going totally off the wall nutso and then killing a lot of people for no reason (Well, I guess being a crazy Satanist is the reason they kill people,come to think of it). Once in prison, you'll be famous, have all the sex a boy could ever dream of...that is, if you enjoy being sodomized by big hairy bikers and performing fellatio on big black penises! You also get guaranteed room and board for life, proving your 'Dark Master' loves you after all. Of course, you might get the chair, but then you'll get to meet "the man downstairs" in person! Totally kewl dude!
LaVeyan Satanist- Also known as the Atheistic Satanist or "Persecuted Crybaby Satanist". These Satanists like to call themselves "Atheists", but real Atheists, even if they are annoying sometimes and come of as bitter, are just too smart to be Satanists, and they hate them even more than Christians because at least Christians don't pretend to be Atheists. This is the type of Satanist that follows the ideals set down in the Satanic Bible, while at the same time dissing LaVey. They spend much of their time whining that the "Celebrity Satanists" mentioned above aren't "real" Satanists, and give true Satanists a bad rep and blame the whole thing as "Xian propaganda". And like all Satanists, they whine and cry about "persecution", even though they secretly crave all the negative attention. So it's a "win-win" situation!
Becoming A Satanist The first step to become a Satanist is becoming an anti-social misfit and loser, dressing in black, and losing your mind (not necessarily in that order). If you crave negative attention and keep your dead grandma's false teeth in a Mason jar under your pillow...you're halfway there!
Next, learn to get into a lot fights for no real reason. This will enable you to say "I can stand on my own two feet!" when in reality you're just a petty thug. But of course, if you're a Satanist, reality ain't your bag no how! Hoozah!
If the last point irritates you, it's because, like I said, reality ain't your bag.
Satanic Magic Next comes the awsome Satanic magic! It's super secret, and can only be obtained by people who have $8 to spend at Books-A-Million. This is marketed as advanced pseudo-psychology (or wishful thinking, like all witchcraft crap),but it's really just a bunch of horsehit, like all occult gobbledygook. It's supposed to gain you Revenge (which every kid picked on in Jr. High wants), Lust (again, what every kid in Jr. High wants) or <snicker> Satan's Compassion. Good luck with that last one! A new expanded edition of the Satanic Bible is slated for release in 2011 and will also include rituals for popular pursuits of the Alien Elite including, "Scorin' Weed", "Gettin a higher score on Warcraft", "Making my mom stop raggin' on me", and "Scorin' Meth".
Soon you try Satanic magick, and realize Satanic Magick doesn't work...except apparently for psychotics who kill their girlfriends and make lard out their fat and then fry their cat in it. That's because Anton LaVey was a big fat lying douchebag carny hustler, and he just scammed you out of $8! Cha-ching! Who's your daddy now, bitch? WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW?
When it doesn't work, and your math teacher doesn't die for givivng you an F (that you really deserved anyway) don't panic and do something stupid...like forgetting about the whole damn occult thing and getting a life...merely console yourself with telling everyone "See, it's a philosophy. I can stand on my own two feet! Thanks to my Daddy, Anton LaVey." Of course, the sad reality is, you're not standing on you're own two feet. What you are really doing is merely being a pathetic member of a personality cult, and the man you idolize was a lying, wife beating pimp who died bankrupt. If this reality should ever set in, quickly nullify the effects by huffing glue...a sacrement for Satanists. In no time you'll be reading the Enochian Keys to Marylin Manson's "The Beautiful People" while you jack off, once again!
Speaking of which...the best part about this is...the "Lust ritual" is simply just jerking off. Why not say a little incantation while watching some she-male internet porn? I know I would. Hmmm... Back in a few.(<---loser. Loo-ha-hoo-hoo-zerrr!)Of course you could simply jack off anyway as do all the other 6 billion people on the planet do, but then you wouldn't have a spooky soundin' name for "jerkin' yo' gerkin"! Pathetic? Naw, you're the "Alien Elite"!
[edit] Being a Satanist
The activities of Satanists include
- Fending off insults (which you seek out because you relish the negative attention!)
- Jacking off...er..."Satanic Sex Magick", that is!
- Insulting poser Satanists (Which includes every Satanist in the entire world...um, except YOU of course! Heh, heh.)
- Shouting at pigeons (right before you sacrifice them to Satan)
- Finding subtle Satanism morals in songs and sniggering (which is what Fundamentalist Christians do, oddly enough).
- Playing LP's backwards for the "secret messages" the Devil is sending (which again, is what Fundamentalist Christians do, oddly enough)
- Hugging your inflatable sex doll (or "android" as you insist on calling it) and pretending it's a real woman.
- Roasting next door's cat Mittens on the barbeque. In their defense, she DID piss on the steaks. You would've done the same...although you probably wouldn't have eaten the steaks anyway. You also probably wouldn't have eaten Mittens, either!
- Kicking everyone you meet in the genitals as hard as you can.
- Owning a collection of left shoes.
Despite claiming to be the "Alien Elite", most Satanists have been deemed 'gothtards' by society at large (and they're right!). These gothtards hate the world because they don't fit in and for some baffling reason, can't figure out why they can't make friends just because they dress like the Addams Family and carved a Pentagram into their skull. These particular Satanists invented the online chatroom and the News Group, so they would have something to do while they live in the basement in their parent's house (and jack off, of course!).
Satanism is rumored to be the official faith of Seaworld, a micro-nation off the coast of England. This is probably crap, as the guy who runs that kip is just a nutbag. More media attention is drawn to supposed secret rituals designed to end the world. This may seem kinda stupid if you're trying to keep something a secret, yes. Well, this is again the poser disease taking hold, and what do you expect from stoned goths who spray paint "Ozzy Rulz" on highway underpasses?
Every June 7, the Satanists celebrate Anti-Christmas, which marks the birth of the Antichrist a.k.a. Andy Griffith. On the preceding night, Satanist children anticipate presents from the Anti-Claus, who lives in Mexico. Their alcholic Satanist parents, to toughen the kids up (which is nicer than saying "abuse"), break the toys right in front of them, and then laugh about it while the kids are traumatized, and have yet another memory to repress. The adults don't exchange presents with one another, instead they enjoy eating fruit cakes which is why Church of Satan headquaters are in places like New York and San Fransisco. Those citites have tons of fruitcakes year round with names like "Raul" and "Jeffy"! Oh sister, behave!
[edit] The Satanic Bible
Satan released his masterpiece at an unspecified time, though the book was copyrighted by Anton Szandor LaVey in 1969 (under command of Satan and Avon Books). LaVey was a high school dropout, carnival hustler and all round loser (he lied about screwing Marylin Monroe AFTER she was dead and couldn't refute it! How kewl is that?). He obviously knew the secrets of how to be a success in life, although you never know it judging by the fact he was a wife beating pimp, self-admitted host of a "cannibal feast", and he lived on food stamps a good portion of his life before he died bankrupt. The Satanic Bible concludes all that upholds this magnificent religion, and why his followers own the average individual big time (well ok, not really). If you want a copy, just ask the 350 lbs. white supremacist in the jail cell next to you if you can borrow his (although he may expect certain "favors" in return, if you know what I mean, so be careful!) Alternatively, ask some emo kid, because they're the main classes of loser who read it.
The Book of Santaism was due to become a holiday special. Unfortunately, Satanists don't celebrate Christmas (except for the cat roasting, previously mentioned), so this book is yet to be published. Instead, Satan expressed his creativity by causing the Gulf War, creating HIV and giving everyone in the civilized world a paper cut. Hey, what do you expect? He's the Devil, bitch!
It should be stressed again that, if you hear someone say that they are a LaVeyan Satanist, they DO NOT worship Satan. They instead worship Anton "smack dat ho" LaVey, who reminds them of the abusive alcholic step-father who used to molest them. LaVeyan Satanism refers to the evil parts inside of you as "Satan", like your lower intestine. AND just like you're lower instetine, it's packed full of shit! LaVeyan Satanists do not believe in God OR Satan. Instead, they worship the flabby, bald, wife beating lying pimp mentioned earlier, (while at the same time, dissing him). It doesn't make their lives any easier, so it makes no sense why they do it (it also makes even less sense to idolize someone and dis them!)so they blame everyone else for their problems.
[edit] Developing Satanic Powerz
OK, this is how you do it...First take an M80 and stick it up your ass and light it. Use your awsome power of Will to defuse the M80. YES YOU CAN DO IT! Now stop reading this right now and don't come back until you do it.
Did you do it? LOL! Man, what an ididot! Congrats, you're Satanist material after all.
[edit] External Links
- Something every Satanist needs sooner or later...Hail Satan! Remember what celebrity Satanist Ricky Kasso said "Satanism is like sex with a Cheerleader...if you don't wind up in prison for it, you didn't do it right!"
- An evil video about SATANISM!! WARNING: Not for the faint of heart!!
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