Satanic Bible
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Contents |
[edit] The thought behind Satanism
“The true Satanist is selfish, sets himself and others on fire, and likes red, pointy horns.”
~ Satan on Satanists
As this would directly describe Republican practices, Satan was forced to disguise the inherent message by making it biblical and mythological. Satan looked far and wide and found the wisest person he cold to write the Satanic Bible. But when he said no, he got some high school drop out named Anton LaVey instead.
Later on, LaVey noticed some smarter Christians (yes, they are rare, but do exist) made a connection between Satanism and Satan. To cover up the whole plot, he made all his fellow Satanic buddies swear they’d proclaim to the outer world that Satanism and Satan had nothing to do with each other.
Unfortunately, the spellcasting done by Satanic high priests, blooddrinking, orgies preformed by members, sacrificing of young christian virgins, partaking of hot chili- and tabasco sauce for refreshment, prevented the LaVey version of Satanism to be accepted altogether.
As Satan was writing in his LiveJournal, the comments he got made him realize he was a great writer.
“OMG U r00l s0 much I luv u 4EVA <3”
~ MissB00tY_34 on Satan’s LiveJournal
“ROFLMAO U SUX LOLZ”
~ Leet_killar on Satan’s LiveJournal
“I sincerely think you should stop offending people with your outrageous comments and setting people on fire and torture and stuff. It’s just so uncool.”
~ Random Prep Kid With An Attitude on Satan’s LiveJournal
So from there on he decided to make a book about equal rights for women. The manuscript for that book never made it to the publisher, because LaVey was a mysoginistic wife beating pimp who even fucked his own daughter and he was like "A book about bitchez? WTF?". LaVey threw away the manuscript and told Satan he "lost it", and Satan was like "Yeah, whatever". After that he started to read articles about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and decided he could start a perculiar religion too.
After writing loads of unrelated nonsense and watching Dr. Phil, he decided to get some help. He made his Secretary of Human Punishment write the final version, after which it was sent to the editor, Anton Szandor LaVey.
[edit] Contents of the Satanic Bible
The Satanic Bible consists of the following parts:
[edit] The introductory pages
In these pages the mind is made numb with sappy love stories from teen magazines. This part contains subliminal messages such as:
BUY THIS BOOK! Oh wait....
Afterwards there is an autobiographic story by Satan, which was later replaced by an autobiography by the even more arrogant LaVey. LaVey left out the cool stuff about how he smacked around his wife and kids, pimped out followers, and stuff like that and made up stuff about being a lion tamer instead.
[edit] (Fire) The Book of Satan
This part of the book makes people familiar with the nifty ways in which demons (mostly inhabitants of France) set things on fire. This book was used as evidence in the investigation of the Hindenberg disaster, after which Satan was condemned to life sentence. Satan couldn’t bare the punishment and cut his wrists, for which he was sent to hell.
[edit] (Air) The Book of Lucifer
This book was supposed to be about fire too, but as that would be too repetetive, Satan wrote this part about how to behave totally abnoxious in front of others. But soon realised he had once again been outdone by the French
[edit] (Earth) The Book of Belial
This book, also known as “The Standard Book Of Spells Part 1” describes Satan’s view on using magic to have a successful living. Due to the fact that Satan’s ‘succesful living’ consists of him being locked up underground with condemned souls and French people, many readers have their doubts about this book.
[edit] (Water) The Book of Leviathan
This book describes the incantations required to sound spiritual to your friends. It has many sexual references, and some believe Oscar Wilde to be a guest writer in this section of the Satanic Bible. Also magic does not exist which has thrown the entire authenticity of this book into question, because obviously something worshipping satan MUST be true.
[edit] The copyright crisis
When LaVey unleashed the vile Bible upon civilization, Conservative nutjobs had to ruin his (and Satan’s) debute. The name “Bible” was said to be copyrighted by Moses just the day before. LaVey fixed this problem by promising the Conservatives to focus his followers’ anarchistic lifestyle upon the Democrats.
CONFEDERATE DAISY
